12 Monthly Self-Love Themes That Will Make This Your Best Year Yet
Something that my mother used to say is, "You can't really clean more than one room at a time." Whenever I reflect on that little pearl of wisdom, it reminds me of how a lot of folks tend to brag about how good they are at multitasking, when there is plenty of data to support that you can't really do more than two things well at one time. And honestly, I think that might be why so many people struggle with keeping their New Year's resolutions or even really making any progress at all in life—it's because they overwhelm themselves by trying to do way too much…all at one time.
In 2021, let's take a different approach. Let's "clean one room at a time" so to speak by breaking down each month into a particular theme. A way that I came up with how to do this is I revisited the history of the name of each month and how it came to be, along with some of the different things that each one specifically represents/symbolizes. If you want to make some real strides in your life, perhaps applying this approach to your own world can have you feeling really great about all of the developments you've made, by the time 2022 rolls around.
1. JANUARY: Gateways and Doors
A popular saying that I hear folks say often, that absolutely drives me up the wall, is "When God closes a door, he opens a window." What in the world? So, the Almighty prevents something from happening (which is usually a blessing in disguise) and then turns around and replaces it with something less? Chile, please. What life has taught me is when a door shuts, a path tends to open up that is wider than I ever expected (Ephesians 3:20-21)! It might not be one that I predicted, yet sometimes, the surprise is a part of the fun.
That's why, to me, it would only be fitting that January, the start of a new calendar year, would be all about gateways and doors. A gateway can be an entrance to a structure (like a new office building or place to live) or even an entrance to a region (like moving to another state or continent). Also, a door isn't just something that you can open in order to get from one room to another; it's also "any means of approach, admittance, or access". So this month, take some time out to think about what gateways and doors the universe is shutting and, at the same time, making available to you. Trust me, it's better to walk through something that is wide open than to keep banging your head against a wall…if you know what I mean.
JANUARY'S THEME QUESTION: What gateways and doors are making themselves available to me at this time in my life?
2. FEBRUARY: Purification
February is all about purification and I really dig that. The reason why is because purify is a really layered word. Freeing yourself from anything (or one) that debases you is a form of purification. Freeing yourself from anything (or anyone) that causes you to feel guilty or bad about yourself is a form of purification. Purging yourself of anything (or anyone) that is counterproductive, unhealthy, or flat-out toxic in your life is a form of purification.
When you let all of this resonate, purification can be about detoxing your system, ending a relationship that just isn't good for you, or breaking a habit that you know, at the end of the day, is only holding you back. Unfortunately, a lot of us are unable to progress in life because we skip a very important step when it comes to making that happen—purifying our mind, body, and soul so that we're more capable of making strides, both personally as well as professionally.
FEBRUARY'S THEME QUESTION: What can I do to free myself from anything that makes me feel unhealthy or bad about myself?
3. MARCH: Making Peace
There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men." (Romans 12:18—NKJV) That said, it really is crazy how a lot of people claim to be Bible followers yet they conveniently edit Scriptures out like God not being the author of confusion (and whew, this world is confused about A LOT of things—I Corinthians 14:33) and peace being something that God calls us to have within ourselves and make with those around us.
The thing that I adore about peace is the fact that the Hebrew word for it is shalom and shalom means a ton of things. It means to be complete, whole, and safe. It also means to prosper, to rest, to rid yourself of agitation and discord. If you put all of this together, March is really about doing what you need to do in order to make yourself more whole, to be at rest with the people, places, things, and ideas in your life, and then to get out of a state of discord with those around you. For the sake of internal peace. And peace? There is nothing quite like it.
MARCH'S THEME QUESTION: What can I do this month so that I can feel more whole and complete?
4. APRIL: Love and Beauty
Personally, I don't think there is anything more beautiful than a woman who truly loves herself. I don't mean that someone who says it because it sounds good. I mean someone who is comfortable looking at herself in the mirror. I mean someone who can go out of the house, with or without make-up on, and feel totally fine. I mean someone who is confident enough in how the Creator made her that she sees no need to be jealous of how others look. I mean someone who doesn't fear aging because she knows that one more day—let alone one more year—on this planet is a true blessing. I mean someone who gets that, at the end of the day, beauty isn't just about what is on the outside—it's also about having character traits like femininity, grace, and a signature sense of style that is unique and unmatched.
Although the first day of spring this year is March 20, it's typically April when this season gets into full swing. That's why, it would make perfect sense that, as the flowers are in bloom, we should focus on "blooming" too.
Whatever you need to do to feel more beautiful—both inside and out—this is what you should focus on. Nurture your self-esteem. Embrace more of what makes you a woman. Do things that make you feel more beautiful like getting a new lipstick color, updating your hairstyle, or figuring out what you want to do to upgrade your closet. Relationships with other people don't matter if you don't start with loving yourself and feeling good about yourself. This should be what April is all about.
APRIL'S THEME QUESTION: What are the things that I can do to make me feel more beautiful so that I can love myself (even) more?
5. MAY: Greatness
The late track and field phenom, Wilma Rudolph, once said, "Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit. We are all the same in this notion: The potential for greatness lives within each of us." You know what? She's right. At the end of the day, being great is about using your gifts, talents, personality and individuality to leave your mark on this world.
While you might think this means that greatness isn't achieved without becoming really popular or wealthy, nothing could be further from the truth. Some people are super successful because their marriage is healthy. Some people are super successful because their kids adore them. Some people are super successful because their reputation is intact. Some people are super successful because they are able to make a comfortable living off of their passion. Some people are super successful because they love their life and have very little regret.
Greatness isn't something that others can define for you. It's also not a measure that you can compare with other folks. It's simply focusing on doing what you feel, in your spirit, will help you to make your own special mark upon this world. In May, get clear on exactly what you would desire for that to be.
MAY'S THEME QUESTION: How do I define greatness? What steps should I take to embody that definition?
6. JUNE: Well-Being. And Marriage Preparation.
I know, right? It does seem like June is kind of all over the place, but if you really stop and think about it, not really. Actually, let's tackle this one in reverse. Knowing that one of June's focuses is marriage preparation, that actually makes sense considering the fact that June and October continue to be the top months for wedding ceremonies. And listen, I counsel far too many women who were more interested in being a bride than a wife—meaning, they put more into making sure their day went off without a hitch than their actual relationship…and now they are paying dearly because of it. So, if you desire to be a wife someday, using this month to get whole from past break-ups; to get clear on what you want in a spouse while becoming that person (so many folks ignore that last part); to put your finances in order; to take your purpose to the next level; to spiritually elevate; to feel better about your body image—all of these things can put you in the position to become an awesome complement to your future king.
And what if marriage either right now or ever (check out "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?") isn't on your priority list? No worries. A lot of what I just said will still help you to become your best self, right? Devoting your time, effort and energy in June to doing whatever you can to become a better person overall is something that is well worth the investment. Spouse or no spouse.
JUNE'S THEME QUESTION: What should I do to significantly improve my overall health and well-being?
7. JULY: Youth
July comes from the name Julian and Julian means "young at heart". When I thought about that, the first thing that came to my mind was tending to your inner child. As someone who grew up with a fair share of abuse, I realize that there were certain things about the little girl in me that were not only mistreated but neglected too. For instance, I had a female family member who would say things to me like I wasn't as attractive as someone else; sometimes she even used derogatory words like "slut". And yes, I was an adolescent when she said it.
Growing up, I spent so much time trying just to shield myself from that person that I didn't realize how much those words hurt and I allowed myself to be around others who were also verbally destructive. And so, during a lot of my 30s and 40s, I made it a point to reflect on the things that were said to me that not just affected but infected my psyche. Then I became intentional about tending to those places so that I could really heal.
I say it often because, for better or for worse, it's true—adulthood really is about surviving childhood for so many of us and it's hard to be a thriving adult when areas of your childhood are fragmented. Using this month to tend to the parts of your youth that could use some healing? You won't regret it. I didn't.
JULY'S THEME QUESTION: What is my inner little girl lacking and what can I do to get into better touch with her, so that she can become healed and whole?
8. AUGUST: Self-Care
So, when I read that the emperor of Rome, Augustus Caesar, decided to name this month after himself, at first, I thought, "Gee, wasn't he full of himself?" and then I thought about how sometimes, when we put the focus solely on us, while at first, it can appear to be a selfish act, oftentimes, it's actually an act of self-care. This is what August should be all about—things that are good for your mind, body, and spirit are what deserve your undivided attention.
Read some self-help books. Go on a social media fast. Make a doctor, chiropractor, and nutritionist appointment. Don't skip out on at least a couple of mani/pedi appointments. Put "me time" on your planner. Leave work at your scheduled time. Soak in a bubble bath (or take a shower with nothing but lit candles; it's really relaxing). Tell people who drain you "no". Write yourself a love letter. Upgrade your bedroom and/or office. Cook for yourself more (and learn a few new recipes). Give yourself a scalp or foot massage. Purchase some art. Upload some new podcasts (and actually listen to them). Cultivate some habits (and boundaries) that will de-stress you. Meditate. Binge-watch nostalgic movies or television shows. Create a weekly self-care regimen. RELAX.
Devoting 31 days to nothing but self-care practices is a great way to get used to doing it, so that it will be almost like breathing, once it's time to focus on the next month.
AUGUST'S THEME QUESTION: What should I do to become better at pampering myself and promoting self-care?9. SEPTEMBER: Playfulness
Do you even know how to have fun? I'm serious. When is the last time that you did something, for no other reason, than the pure enjoyment of it? If you're struggling to find the answer, use a couple of months prior to September to create your own nothing-but-fun bucket list, then devote at least a couple of days each week in this month to check things off. Try a new flavor of ice cream. Play some board games. Spend a day in the city closest to you. Rent a luxury vehicle for the weekend. Order food from a high-end restaurant. Spend the night at a swanky hotel (whether you're with someone or not). Do something for the first time. Try a liquor or weed strain that you've never had. Celebrate your birthday somewhere else. Host an adult field day with some of your friends. Change your hair color. Whatever it is, try not to overthink it. Remember, the focus is having fun. Safe, smart and not-ruin-your-life-come-October fun. Yet fun nonetheless.
SEPTEMBER'S THEME QUESTION: What are some fun things that I can do? All month long?
OCTOBER: Celebration
October is personally my favorite month of the year. I like the fall weather. I like how it's the 10th calendar month (10 is all about completion and perfection). It's also when my late father and fiancé had their birthday, and they were two of my favorite people. So, when I say that October symbolizes celebration, I definitely sat up and took note.
I don't observe holidays. I think a part of the reason is because I've always been a Seventh-Day Sabbath observer and, in Hebrew culture, that is all about celebrating creation (Genesis 2:1-3). And since Friday sunset to Saturday sunset happens every week, there is no need to long for Christmas or any other holiday; a "special day" happens all of the time.
Regardless of what your faith perception may be, I think this is a similar mentality that we should take on when it comes to how we live out our lives, in general. What I mean by that is, if you're paying even a little bit of attention, there is always something to get excited about and/or praise. If you set a goal and reached it, celebrate. If you just made a big choice (or sacrifice) that you know is gonna ultimately be for your betterment, celebrate. If you've noticed that you've been feeling better about yourself, celebrate. And during the month of October, try and celebrate one thing, every single day. Even break out a bottle of wine, on some of those days because, from what I read, October started out being all about wine consumption too. Wonderful!
OCTOBER'S THEME QUESTION: What is something that you can celebrate, each and every day of this particular month?
11. NOVEMBER: Love and Affection
The birthstone for November is topaz and that symbolizes love and affection which is why I went this route for this particular month's theme. When I think about love, it's not what Disney and Hollywood say that comes to mind. It's the Love Chapter in I Corinthians 13. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't envious. Love endures a lot. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, I personally believe that since God is love (I John 4:8&16) and we are made in his image (Genesis 1:26-28), life is all about learning how to become the literal embodiment of love. And that is something we will do until we die. As far as affection goes, that is merely an expression of love. While it can be physical like kissing, hugging, holding hands and cuddling, affection literally means devotion.
In November, think about who you claim to love and also who professes to love you. Does the love resemble the Love Chapter? When it comes to affection, when you say, "I love you" (or when you hear it), is there heartfelt devotion that is attached? Something that I am extremely cautious about, now more than ever, is just throwing the "love" word out there. No, I do not "love" ice cream like I love my godchildren. So, to avoid devaluing the word, I say I enjoy ice cream instead. Love and affection are extremely sacred. Use this month to think about who is worthy of your love, if you are appreciative of the love that is bestowed upon you and if affection is both felt as well as given.
NOVEMBER'S THEME QUESTION: Am I loving, being loved and showing affection in the best ways possible?
12. DECEMBER: Starting Over
While January is usually the year when people begin their New Year's resolutions, I actually think it's best to start applying some of your new plans in December. Not only does it take some of the pressure off (since so many other people talk about switching things up in January), it actually gives you time to ease into a new routine so that, come January, you're already in the swing of things.
Use December to ponder what you did over the past 11 months. Then think about what you want to bring into the next year and what you leave behind, always remembering that one of the beautiful things about time is it keeps moving which always gives you an opportunity to do what? START OVER. Never forget, you can always start over.
DECEMBER'S THEME QUESTION: What about this year do I want to forgive, release and start anew? What steps do I need to take in order to make that happen?
Two of the main things that keep us from making the most of the time that we have is 1) not making plans and 2) putting so much on our plate that we overwhelm ourselves and quit. That's why I definitely think that you should consider breaking up categories and hitting up one of them at a time. Knowing that you are focusing on clearing one path at a time can open up things for you in a way this year that will help you to thrive like no other, sis. Happy 2021. Walk it out. One month at a time.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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