I'm pretty sure that some of y'all are already hip to the woman who is known as nappyheadedjojoba. Me personally, I just started watching her videos a few months ago. She's quirky. She's super eloquent. Her humor is dry yet mad entertaining. In short, I dig her. So, when it came time to sit down and pen this particular piece, I smiled to myself because I already knew that she would serve as the ideal spokesperson, all thanks to a video that she posted last December entitled, "I Don't Want Kids. No, I'm Not Going to 'Change My Mind.'" She breaks her reasons down in seven minutes and one second, so it's worth your time to check it out in its entirety. But for those who simply want the gist, I transcribed some of her main points below:
"Simply because I'm still within my 'childbearing years', whenever I express that I'm not interested in having children, the response is typically like, 'Hmm, you'll probably change your mind' or "Hmm. Are you sure?' And, quite frankly, that response, in my opinion, is extremely dismissive and disrespectful. I'm not 15 years old, I'm not 20 years old; I think I would know by now if I were going to change my mind."
"Equally invasive is the fact that people constantly want to ask 'Why?' when I express that I don't want to have children. And, quite frankly, it isn't anyone's business. I don't owe anyone any explanation as to why I don't want kids. Nonetheless, the answer is pretty simple—I don't want kids because, I don't like them. I simply don't have that maternal urge to reproduce."
"As far as marriage goes, that also is not an aspirational thing for me; never has been. I never fantasized about some huge wedding, a giant white dress, even when I was a little girl…My aspirations in life have always been professional, aside from wanting a house with a yard so I can have a lot of dogs. And, it doesn't make me any less of a woman or any less feminine simply because my top priority isn't 'finding a husband' or starting a family."
Yeah, this part bears repeating: "It doesn't make me any less of a woman or any less feminine simply because my top priority isn't 'finding a husband' or starting a family."
Even as someone who counsels married couples, is a huge fan of that particular relationship dynamic and does want to get married someday, what she said still resonated all throughout my bones. As far as kids go, I made some decisions in my past that I regret; I regret, but I am at total peace about (trust me, my clock is screaming at this point but these days, let it). As far as a husband goes, if the right man comes along, I am all about a small wedding, a long honeymoon and foregoing a diamond ring for a new car or something (just sayin'). So yeah, clearly this means that nappyheadedjojoba and I are not exactly on the same page. But what I can celebrate is how intentional she is when it comes to how she feels about becoming a wife and/or a mom, along with how responsible she's being as it relates to her future, in general. To me, "planned parenting" isn't just about putting on a condom or popping a pill (y'all, I just read something a little crazy about the pill, by the way; you can check it out here).
It's about knowing what you want or don't want and then living your life according to those principles, preferences and personal standards.
If you listen to the video in its entirety, you'll peep that, aside from not wanting to be a mommy, nappyheadedjojoba doesn't really have marriage on her menu either. That doesn't mean she's not open to dating, however. And yeah, I totally get that too. Just because you may not desire to be someone's life partner (or to make that kind of relationship official by signing on the dotted line of a marriage contract), that doesn't mean you don't want—or shouldn't have—companionship.
So, if after reading all of this, you are trying to not exclaim "YES! FINALLY!" while you're at your desk or you're walking in the grocery store, I just wanted to say, "I support you in wanting what you want". I also wanted to share a few quick tips on how to make this point of personal resolve a lot less of a taxing issue for those who might be more like "Huh?" than "OK" about you being all about dating but totally turned off to marriage.
No, You Are Not a Walking Contradiction
A guy by the name of Jefferson Bethke once said, "Dating with no intent to marry is like going to the grocery store with no money. You either leave unhappy or take something that isn't yours." I'm pretty sure some of y'all have heard of Tony Gaskins. He once said, "If marriage isn't the goal, why are you dating? That's like working a job and saying you don't want benefits or a retirement plan." I get where both of these men are coming from; they are speaking about dating with the intention to marry. But there is a couple that I had a brief chat with a few weeks ago who are both widows (around in their 50s). They've been dating for a few years now. When I asked them if marriage was the goal, both of them looked at me like I cussed them out. "Absolutely not," the woman said laughing. "We love each other, but we've 'been there, done that'. We just like each other's company."
Because I personally think that a lot of people confuse dating and courting (dating is about getting to know someone; courtship is what happens when the intention is to head towards marriage), they tend to be like, "If you don't want to get married, what's the point of dating?" But dang. Folks can't check out a movie, enjoy dinner or mutually decide to hang out without wanting to jump a broom?
Humans are made for companionship. Not everyone wants it to remain strictly on a platonic level. That doesn't mean they want to become spouses, though. If you like to date because you enjoy meeting new people and making connections, there is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with you.
But because it can be perceived by some as leaning on the side of being counter-cultural, let's move on to the next point.
Be As Upfront As Possible, Right Out of the Gate
A writer by the name of Donna Lynn Hope once said, "I don't make people comfortable; that's what couches are for." I like what she said because a lot of people are totally uncomfortable with someone's truth and boundaries. But you know what? If someone in your world is trying to impose how they choose to live their life on you, that says more about them than anything. So, don't be hesitant, apologetic or yes, uncomfortable about not wanting to get married. You not wanting to is a complete thought. Any more of an explanation that you provide is privileged information. And I'm telling you, life is teaching me more and more that when folks don't accept your initial statement on something, they are already showing signs of disrespecting your boundaries, whether they realize it or not.
That said, as far as your family members and friends go, if they are constantly bringing up marriage to you, be direct—"Y'all, I do not want to get married." When they start to look at you like you are crazy or like you are a stray puppy in need of a home, follow that up with, "It's by choice, not by circumstance." When the "but, but, buts" follow, it's OK to say, "You have your life and I have mine. This is how I choose to live mine." Then kindly direct them to "10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'". Hmph. Although there's no time to get into all of this today, I will say that some people can't fathom folks who choose to never marry because it was never modeled to them how dope that way of life can also be. Oh, and if any of these people are church-goin' ones, kindly remind them that two of the most influential people in the Bible were single—Christ and Paul. BAM!
As far as the dating world goes, something else that nappyheadedjojoba mentions is how, when she's dating online and sees that a man is looking for a future mother for his future children, she is quick to "swipe left". Good for her. You should do the same thing. And if you do make a connection with someone and it gets to first-date-status, feel free to bring up that marriage isn't something that you desire. And, as far as you can see, it's not up for negotiation. No sense in you and "him" getting all attached, only to realize that you both want totally different things.
Oh, and simply because I feel led to say this—make sure these guys out here don't assume that just because you don't want to be their wife that you want to be some casual play toy. There are a lot of possibilities in between "Nice to meet you" and "Will you marry me?" Standards don't only apply to women who are looking for a husband.
Some men think otherwise. If you feel like a guy that you just started seeing is one of them, school them as soon as possible.
Know What It Is That You Do Want. And Pursue That.
There are a few people I know who don't want to get married but do like to date. Something that a couple of them admit that they need to work on is figuring out exactly what it is that they do want from their potentially-more-than-platonic relationships. You don't want to be a wife, but what do you desire? A casual dating companion? A boyfriend? Something somewhere in between that? Something a little more than both?
It's going to be hard for you to find someone who complements your lifestyle if you're not sure what kind of non-marital situation you prefer to be in. The sooner you know, the easier it will be to articulate that to your prospects.
And girl, don't worry—whatever it is, there are more than two handfuls of men (probably per county) who will have no problem with it. Because I'm sure that it is no newsflash that a lot of men don't want to get married either.
Dating with no desire for marriage, really only becomes problematic when the two people who are seeing each other desire something totally different. But again, even though I adore the concept and purpose of marriage, I don't think that individuals who don't want it should be "punished" by not being able to have more than just their homies to go out and spend time with. As long as two people are on the same page, it can still be a beautiful story.
To me, "cheers" to you for knowing what kind of relationship you want—and don't want; a lot of people can't say they are as clear as you are. And, don't feel you the least bit guilty for wanting something that doesn't result in walking down an aisle.
The way I see it, it's better to date without marriage in mind than to do something you don't want to do and end up in divorce court someday. Again, I counsel couples. Several people I work with realized on the backend that the reason why their marriage blew up is because they were better built for the single life. A lot of pain could've been spared if they knew about themselves what you already know—that marriage isn't for everyone, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Refuse to let anyone "single shame" you for not wanting what they expect of you (humans can be a real trip, can't they?). Be direct about your position. Shoot them the hyperlink to nappyheadedjojoba's video. And continue to go on about your life. Some people don't get the concept of "dating not to marry" because they've never seen it done and/or done well before. How about you be the one to show them?
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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