Believe you me, I've had my share of dates that were, let's just say, less than impressive. But I always try my best to give credit where credit's due and when it comes to what inspired this lil' write-up, it was an article that I happened upon entitled "29 Women Reveal Their Absolute Worst First Date Stories".
MAN. One woman said she went on a first date with a guy who gave her a heads up that $10 was her limit on the menu. Another woman said that her date brought a friend who was 1) dressed up like Michael Jackson and 2) decided to do a concert for people as they waited in the ER (right…the date ended in the emergency room). Another woman said that she experienced one of the worst kisses ever while trying to tell her date about her mom being in the hospital (awk-ward). Still, another woman talked about how a dude spent the entire date reminiscing about his exes—how he lived with all of them and when they broke up, he had to go back to live with his mom. Then he proceeded to ask her about the size of her own place (SMH…this guy).
But the one that probably inspired this piece the most is the lady who went out with a guy who stole gas (she knew because he pulled up to her house with the hose still attached to his car's tank). Yeah, that sucks but, guess what? She's been married to him for 22 years now (just wow)!
Although dating—let alone marrying—someone who does a criminal act is a bit of a red flag for me personally, it does co-sign on something I do personally believe. No matter how much a date sucks, that doesn't mean that it can't come with its own silver lining or two.
Before you roll your eyes and click off of this, give me about five minutes (give or take) to explain where I'm coming from. Then think back on some of your own bad dates and see if you can pull some actual benefits out of them. Perhaps ones like the following:
You Can Figure Out What “a Date” Is to You
Personally, I don't get down with that whole, "If you don't have any expectations, you won't be disappointed" mentality. I say that because the people I know who claim to live like that are actually some of the most jaded and cynical people I've ever encountered. At the same time, I do think that a lot of us find ourselves unnecessarily disillusioned because we assume that just because we think that something should go a certain way that everyone else has the same mentality.
Absolutely not. Recently, I watched a video of Savannah Chrisley talking about how chivalrous her new fiancé was to the point that, on her first date, he called her dad, Todd to say he would call him once he picked her up and again once he dropped her off. Savannah also said that she hasn't touched a door since they've met. Meanwhile, I know folks who stay in relationships with guys who've never paid for a date (at most, their guy will do Dutch) and hasn't done anything to write home to dad about.
Why do women put up with Column B? I think a part of the reason is they don't really think about what a date means to them—what standards they have. For instance, do you want to be picked up? Do you want him to plan the date himself? Do you always want him to pay?
A good thing that can come from going on bad dates is it can give you clarity on what you expect, moving forward. Like, if you want a man to go through the effort to plan the date and the next guy asks you out and says, "I dunno. What do you want to do?" -- you can already decide if he's worth two hours on a Saturday night. Or not. If you want chivalry to be in full effect but the guy doesn't open a single door, maybe there doesn't need to be a second date.
You’ll Learn How to Sense Red Flags Quicker
They say that hindsight is 20/20, but just think about all of the time, effort and energy (not to mention all of the blood, sweat and tears) that could be spared if we learned how to recognize red flags in someone out the gate.
Some first date red flags—a man who shows up late (he doesn't value your time); a man who flirts with your server (he's disrespectful); a man who orders for you (unless he already knows what you like, he's too pushy); a man who checks his phone (he's flippant and distracted); a man who brings up sex too quickly (ugh…just ugh) and a man who's all talk and no listen (he's confrontational and probably a know- it-all).
Some after the first date red flags—he's an exaggerator (that's a step away from being a liar); he never really makes plans in advance (again, he doesn't value you as much as he should); he doesn't make good on his promises (he can't fully be trusted); he always makes the date/relationship decisions (he's inconsiderate and selfish) and you're doing most of the work to make the relationship work (he isn't all in).
If you experience any of these things on your date, it's uncomfortable and unfortunate, there's no doubt about that. But sometimes, seeing these kinds of flags spelled out in black and white can help you to realize how to detect them quicker…just in time for the next date, with the next man.
It Has a Way of Making You a Better Communicator
Sometimes dates are a dud, not because the guy isn't attractive or a gentleman; it's just that there doesn't seem to be much of a connection. Sometimes, that's because something within the communication is a bit off.
If you were to be honest with yourself, that might not have been all on him. It can be challenging to strike up conversations with someone that you barely know. If you totally feel where I'm coming from, it can't hurt to think about what you would do differently, communication-wise, on your next date. What would you like to know? What kind of questions would you ask? How would you approach awkward moments of radio silence?
Although it would be nice if all dates flowed seamlessly, this is not a rom-com, it's the real world. Sometimes there needs to be a plan of action, even as it relates to communication.
It Can Boost Your Confidence Levels
There are the kind of dates that, even as you're on them, you end up telling yourself that you probably won't go on a second one. Not because anything is wrong per se; it's more like something doesn't feel quite right. Then there are the kind of dates that makes you get up to call a ride before dessert is even served. Either the guy is rude to the rest of the staff or the stuff he says (or asks) you is totally inappropriate.
Column A sucks but Column B is much worse. There still is an upside, though. When a bad date happens and you decide that you deserve more (column A) or better (column B) and you make a conscious decision to not go on another date (column A) or continue the one that you're currently on (column B), the boundaries that you set can be super self-affirming. It can remind you to not settle for less, even when it comes to a two-hour outing.
It Can Also Make You More Empathetic and Compassionate
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Suppose your date was a set up and 20 minutes into it, you think to yourself, "Yeeeeah, this isn't gonna work." Maybe you're not physically attracted to him. Maybe you don't feel a spark or any real chemistry. Maybe he's already said or did something that has automatically made you want to friend zone him. Before you text one of your girlfriends to call you so that you can cut your date short, now is the time to implement the Golden Rule. How would you feel if he abruptly left you in the middle of the date because there was no romantic connection?
Another good thing that can come out of a bad date is it can test your level of empathy (putting yourself in someone else's shoes) and compassion (wanting to relieve the suffering that someone may be experiencing). If you put these two things into practice, it will only benefit you in the long run because even when you do meet "the one", you're going to need to extend empathy and compassion to him in order for the relationship to go the distance. (Just ask any married person that you know.)
You Will Get a Better Sense of What You Want
One of my favorite dates of all-time consisted of going zip-lining in the morning and a four-star dinner in the evening. Everything was a total surprise. At the end of the all-day-date, I asked the guy how he came up with the idea. He said he wanted us to both do something we'd never done before together and, because some of our best memories consisted of being around food, he then wanted us to enjoy a new high-scale restaurant. The proactiveness, the thoughtfulness and the reasoning behind it all caused me to raise the bar of expectations when it comes to dates moving forward. No longer do I just want dinner and a movie, simply because I now know, firsthand, that men can be a lot more creative than that—when they want to be.
So, when another guy thought bringing fast food over to my house to watch On-Demand was the idea of a first date, his visit got cut short. His lack of investing into the date was like…a forecast into what our future would be like.
So yeah, to me, another benefit that can come from a sucky date is it can provide you with clarity regarding what you want from dates (and relationships), moving forward. #givethanks
It Can Make YOU a Better Date
Something that I think far too many of us overlook is, whether a date is good or bad, it can be a teachable moment. It can reveal to you what your expectations and triggers are. It can show you how good (or not so good) you are at engaging another individual. It can help you to discover the strengths that you have in dealing with others, along with your weaknesses.
Keeping all this in mind, if you take nothing else from this lil' write up, at least be willing to use your bad date experiences as an opportunity to learn more about yourself. If you do that—and I mean really do that—you significantly increase your chances of heading bad dates off before they even begin. Guaranteed.
Featured image by Getty Images
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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