Although I tend to take in a lot of content on a weekly basis, I'm pretty intentional about looking for information—sometimes in the form of podcasts—that feature nothing but men and their thoughts and insights. To me, other than questioning my male friends (which I also do a lot), it's the best way to find out what actually makes men tick—and what doesn't. Why is this so important to me? It really can't be said enough that, a lot of women find themselves in the situations and/or patterns that they're in, due to the fact that, they are always asking women about what happens in the mind of a man rather than actual men. Sometimes, that is counterproductive, at best.
A great way to illustrate my point is a movie—one that seems to run on E! like Baby Boy runs on BET—He's Just Not That into You. While one of the main character's girlfriends was telling her that she wasn't hearing back from a guy she recently met because he was trying to figure out his approach, a guy in her life shot it straight and told her that ole' boy simply wasn't interested; that if he wanted her, he'd make the time and make it plain. Simple as that.
I thought about those scenes when I listened to a recent episode of Joe Budden's podcast. He and the guys were discussing the seemingly unavoidable question that so many of us seem to ask in our situationships—"What are we?" (at around the 45:00 mark). Joe's response was, "I be thinking that we both know what we are, we're just never gonna bring it up 'cause we're ashamed." (For context, he meant ashamed that he and a woman are basically doing all of the stuff that makes for a relationship, but at least one of them has absolutely no intention of making things official.) As they continued the dialogue, Rory said, "They think if it's not a relationship or marriage, it was a waste of time. And I think that's the weirdest concept on earth. We enjoyed the time, right? What was wasted?" (Again. It's always a good idea to see how men see things; they are not us, so it tends to be quite different.) As they continued to go deeper, Rory said something else that A LOT of women need to accept as being a part of a man's psyche—"If you have to question if we're together, we're not."
Let's rinse and repeat that—If you're wondering if you and some guy are together, no matter what you two may be doing or how long you've been doing it, you probably aren't. Not at least in his eyes. Ouch. And indeed. It's like guys friend zone women that they sleep with, without women even realizing it. Or rather, women think because they are sleeping with someone that it will get—or keep—them out of the friend zone. Clearly not.
That podcast discussion reminded me of another podcast that I checked out a while back. It's called Advice From A F*ck Boy. While I wasn't thrilled (at all) with women being referred to as bitches all throughout it (geeze), when Clint's guest said (at the 19:16 mark) that, "I flourish in the friend zone", it got me curious about how men actually perceive the friend zone. It also got me to thinking about why it can be relationally counterproductive for people to be so quick to put folks there. And just what do I mean by that? Let's back up in order to move forward.
What Exactly Is the Friend Zone?
Not too long ago, I wrote an article on the site entitled, "The Word 'Platonic' Is Sacred. Literally." The CliffsNotes is that we use the word "platonic" way too loosely; that it only applies if you are in an opposite-sex friendship where neither person has a romantic or sexual interest in the other. And sis, that is rare. Very. Otherwise, whether we realize it or not, our friendships with men are "friend zone" ones. The reason why I say that is based on the very definition of the phrase—"a situation in which a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has an unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest in the other". Crazy, right? While most of us are out here thinking that we put people in friend zones, the reality is most friendships between a man and a woman automatically have friend-zone qualities, at the very least.
But because a lot of us don't see friend zones in this fashion, I'll tackle it from the angle that is most popular. You meet someone, they like you, you don't feel quite the same way, and so you send strong signals that you want to be just friends. This brings me back to the F*ck Boy podcast that I referenced. While a lot of us tend to think that we are slick-wit-it when it comes to putting a guy into the friend zone, apparently men are paying closer attention than we think. Clint and his guest (and friend) Steph shared how they know that a woman is actually in the process of friend-zoning them (this is transcribed, by the way):
When women send one-word texts. "I'm gonna ask you questions because I wanna get to know you. And, if you're not gonna ask me questions, then I'm pretty much am like, I'm pretty much gonna get to a point in the conversation where I'm like, 'Aight. You pretty much don't give a f—k, so…' Respect other people's time; I'm not on your schedule."
When guys receive "Homie" and "Bro" references. "You're going out of your way to let me know I'm your bro."
When women go out of their way to talk about other guys. "If she's being that open with you about guys that she's dating, f—kin' or is into, she's probably not for you, dog."
When women attempt to project onto men that it's the guys who are too busy to hang out, so that bailing doesn't "fall" on them. "If time is even remotely one of your love languages, you will make time for people…If I wanna see you, I'm gonna f—in' see you."
When there is a lack of effort and energy. "That's what we, as guys, have to be really able to peep…if you're not putting no effort in, I'm not about to be out here chasing you."
I mean, if a lot of us were truly honest with ourselves, we'd have to admit that these signs are pretty spot on.
To me, that's kind of the sad thing about friend zoning (or at least attempting to friend zone) someone—it's not very forthcoming or honest. There's so much game-playing and manipulation that, ironically, trying to do it can actually cost you a friend because it can make it hard for someone to trust you. Anyone who has been friend-zoned before knows exactly what I'm talking about.
But that's not the actual reason why I'm touching on this topic today; I just shared that because if you're doing any of those things to a guy, he probably knows what you are up to. No, I thought it would be important to explore friend zoning because, not a week goes by when a single woman isn't hitting me about with some variation of, "Why God why…when God when?" in reference to where her man is. Then, as we talk about some of the guys who are already in her life—good men, mind you—she flippantly and dismissively says, "Oh…they're just my friends." OK, but my question is WHY are they just a friend?
Your Man Could Be in Your Friend Zone—and You Don’t Even Know It
OK, I'm about to show all of my age by bringing this song up. Are any of you familiar with "Friends and Lovers" by Gloria Loring (fun fact: she's Robin Thicke's mother) and Carl Anderson? They used to play it back in the day on Days of Our Lives when Beau and Hope were trying to figure out what the heck they were doing. Anyway, the hook of the song says "So, I'll be your friend and I'll be your lover/'Cause I know in our hearts we agree/We don't have to be one or the other/We could be both to each other". Now looka here—there is some big time wisdom in that 80s pop song. Let's break it down in sections.
First, they didn't sing I'll be your lover and then your friend. But, unfortunately, that is exactly what a lot of us do. Either we are solely looks driven (check out "Should You Consider Dating Someone You're Not Attracted To?"), and by "looks driven" what I mean is, we have a type and we stick to it as if our lives depended on it (also check out "According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'" and "Can Having A Type Hold Your Love Life Back?"). Or, we have sex way too soon with someone who we are physically drawn to. If we repeat this patten enough, we think that it's more important for there to be a sexual chemistry than an actual friendship. Not only does that way of thinking set us up to need to read other articles like "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner", it can also program us into believing that an attraction is more important than a connection. I'm not saying you shouldn't have both; you most certainly should. What I am saying is the foundation should be the connection—the friendship. Most people live their lives like it should be the reverse.
Second point. A cute movie that I recently checked out isA Second Chance (Chico Benymon, Jennifer Freeman). It was all about two besties and their journey towards discovering that there were right for each other. A lot of the push back that they—catch this—put themselves through consisted of them thinking that, although they adored each other, liked the same things, could talk about anything, had each other's back and found each other attractive…they were friends and should be nothing more than that. What in the entire world?
I've been a marriage life coach for quite a while now and I'm here to tell you that what causes a lot of people to divorce is that they never really were good friends. Not only that but, what holds a lot of marriages together is, true friendship. "Just friends" can be a horrible way to look at a real connection with someone. If you've got something like what I just described with a man and you both are single, it's at least worth pondering why you don't think you two can be more than that. Why you can't be friends and lovers? In that order too.
Final point. Time is precious. Do you know how many people end up taking the long route, unnecessarily so, when it comes to realizing that they need to take a friend out of their friend zone and explore the possibility of being more than "just friends"? Please hear me when I say that YES, you need to have chemistry with someone and YES, you need to be attracted to them, including sexually. Yet also hear me when I say that NO, you don't have to have drama and challenges for something to qualify as being a relationship and NO, you don't have to rip each other's clothes off before bonding mentally and emotionally. In other words, don't think that just because someone is a good friend that they can't be a great lover too. Ideally, the friendship should come first and if you're not so busy out here "zoning" folks, you will be more open to seeing what else they could be in your life.
Because here's the thing that is also true about male and female relationships—oftentimes, our male friends are drawn to us on some level; they simply don't act on it out of respect to us. This means that they aren't nearly as quick to friend zone us as we are to friend zone them. This means, you may be in your own way when it comes to finding "the one". You may already have—he's a friend of yours.
Some folks belong in the friend zone; no doubt about it. All I'm saying is, if you can't seem to find "him", he might be closer than you think. A man shouldn't be disqualified just because you were friends first or because he's not "your type". If there is some sort of spark, don't be so quick to put it out. The best of lovers are friends first. The best of married couples can certainly vouch for that.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
When He Just Wants To Be Friends, But You Want More....
My Eureka Moment For Why I'm Not Into 'Nice Guys'
What A Man Should Expect If YOU Ask HIM Out
Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be "Just Friends"
Feature image by Giphy
- Top 5 Texts That Have Put People in the Friend Zone | Grit Daily News ›
- How To Friendzone Someone | Grazia ›
- The friend zone: Why it's not the end of the world | British GQ ›
- "The Friend Zone" Is All In Your Head - P.S. I Love You ›
- The "Friend Zone" Is Real, but Not What You Think - The Everygirl ›
- Escape the Friend Zone: Going From "Just Friends" to More ... ›
- 4 Ways To Politely Push Someone Into The Friend Zone ›
- Avoiding the Friend Zone: Becoming a Girlfriend or Boyfriend ... ›
RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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Either way, we’re breaking down how to harness the alluring black cat energy to attract and cultivate your purrrfect match, or how to deepen your current relationship.
What is Black Cat Energy?
Black cat energy has made a splash all over TikTok since 2021 where users have popularized “the black cat/golden retriever” theory based on the notorious attributes of felines and pups.
Pet owners and those who have had the pleasure of engaging with furry friends know that cats tend to have personality traits of being more independent, cautious, and unbothered until they develop a relationship with you – then you’ll be graced with their loveable side – whereas dogs, much like golden retrievers, are often overly excited to see you, bursting with happy energy, and seeking your affection, even if they just met you.
Black cats especially possess an elusive, regal, and pompous vibe that makes them irresistible. You can’t simply win these mysterious creatures over with your mere presence. You’ll have to earn their affection.
And if by a stroke of luck, they open up to you, they’ll always keep you wanting more of them. That same je ne sais quoi is what TikTokers are raving about, claiming that if you channel black cat energy into your love life, you’ll summon the person of your dreams and make them fall in love with every part of you.
What’s more, according to The Spruce Pets, single women in Japan who own black cats are believed to attract more suitors. In parts of Great Britain, a black cat is the quintessential wedding gift because they’re believed to bring good luck and happiness to the bride.
Why the Black Cat/Golden Retriever Dynamic Works
ArtMarie/Getty Images
Anyone can be the black cat or the golden retriever in the relationship, but TikTokers and some relationship experts say the best way to ensure long-lasting compatibility is for the woman to be the black cat, while the man exudes golden retriever tendencies.
Dating coach Anwar White solidifies finding the yin to your yang, instructing women to find their complement. “Most people look to date their clone and you’re going to need to date looking for your compliment – that is what is going to bring you the most success.”
In the 14 years he’s been a dating coach, he shared the best complementary personalities that make for a good match. “If you’re a type A, boss babe, you’re going to be looking for the optimistic golden retriever guy. This is the guy that wants to get done whatever you want to get done. This is the engineer, the federal employee, or an architect. It’s very much black cat/golden retriever vibes.”
No matter what stage you’re at in your love life, it’s never too late to transition from subservient golden retriever to omnipotent black cat.
TikToker @jaclyn.dasilva explains that she used to be in her golden retriever energy in her marriage – catering to her husband, and what he needed and liked until she learned how to epitomize the black cat energy.
“We have this beautiful energy as women. When we learn to put all that beautiful, nurturing energy into ourselves that is when they want us. That is when they chase us. Now I think about what I want to eat. What do I want to drink? What book do I want to read? And I put my energy into myself.”
She continues, “And now he’s the one chasing me. He’s the one who can’t get enough of me. When we see ourselves as the prize, that is when he sees us as the prize. Stop chasing him. Let him chase you. Be about you, he’ll be about you.”
How To Embody The Black Cat Principles In Your Dating Life
Dating and maintaining a flourishing relationship in today’s technology-driven world is no easy feat. We have abundantly more access to swipe right or left on apps, or serendipitously meet a great catch in person than our parents and grandparent’s generations.
And yet, with all the potential options, somehow it seems more difficult to stumble across Mr. or Mrs. Right or to maintain a long-term symbiotic relationship. Fortunately navigating dating and relationships becomes easier when you know exactly who you are–your different quirks, flaws, and assets–and when you keenly understand the little things that titillate your world and accept the nuances and icks of a person that you know are not aligned with you.
A woman relishing in her black cat energy and femininity knows exactly what she wants and needs and doesn’t detour from who she is for anyone. These are the qualities of black cat women:
High Standards
Nothing says you’re the main character or HBIC like flaunting high standards and sticking to them.
TikToker Anna Kristina, the self-proclaimed creator of the "black cat theory" shared how to become the ultimate black cat and have men eating from the palm of your hand. “You have to be inconvenient. You have to be bitchy. You have to have standards and certain expectations. The higher the expectations, and the more unrealistic, the better.”
Elusiveness
Relationship TikToker Tomisin Atobatele offers women insights into the essence of being elusive. "I want you to stop being eager to tell men everything you’re thinking and feeling, and especially tell men exactly what you desire. If a guy asks you what you want out of a guy, or what you’re looking for, I want you to be vague…When you’re vague, and someone’s interested in you, it forces them to do work in order to get those answers.”
"And just that fast, you’ve created a scenario where he’s thinking about you," he added. "He’s thinking about your needs. He’s thinking about your wants and desires. And in the process of him thinking about your wants and desires, his focus is on you.”
Firm Boundary Setter
Self-preservation, respect, and overall happiness stem from healthy boundaries. A woman basking in black cat energy knows exactly when and how to implement boundaries. Black cats have boundaries. They will let you know when they are done getting petted," said TikToker Marian Bacol.
“They will let you know when they want to give you attention. They will stare you down if they are done with you. They are clear on their boundaries and they’re not afraid to enforce it. They don’t give love and affection to anyone and everyone the way that dogs do. Cats are more selective and that’s how you have to be with your energy.”
Unapologetically Authentic
A sure way to have a man perpetually falling for you is to be authentically you without changing who you are, solely for him.
“If you want him to chase you as opposed to you chasing him, you need to remember this one thing…whatever attributes you have: your style, your hair color, your whatever you’ve got going on – you don’t change for him," said life coach Margarita Nazarenko. "The black cat would never change for a man and that’s what’s going to make him chase you.”
She cements the rule with an analogy: “The rule is: if you make the best chocolate cake and he likes apple pie, make him the best chocolate cake, not a sub apple pie.”
Famous Couples That Successfully Personify Black Cat/Golden Retriever Energy
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These power couples prove why women who helm their black cat energy make their men swoon:
Rihanna & ASAP Rocky
"[The relationship] is going great. I don’t think there’s a more perfect person because when the schedules are hectic, she’s very understanding of that," A$AP Rocky told Billboard about his relationship with Rihanna. "And when the schedule’s freed up, that’s when you get to spend [the] most time together. It’s all understanding and compatibility.
Ashanti & Nelly
Lauren Speed Hamilton & Cameron Hamilton
Lauren Speed Hamilton and Cameron Hamilton are proof positive of the Love Is Blind concept. More recently, the married couple got real on their podcast about the struggles of expanding their family through fertility treatments. "When I saw what you were going through, terms of taking the medications, doing the daily shots, knowing that IVF and all this stuff wasn't really something that you naturally wanted to do but you did it for me," Cameron shared in episode 2 of The Love Seat podcast with Lauren, his voice beginning to crack.
"You showed me a new level of love that I'd never seen before."
Kristy Scott & Desmond Scott
Zendaya & Tom Holland
"You can’t really find anything against Zendaya, she’s kind of like the perfect person," Tom Holland shared about girlfriend Zendaya in a 2021 interview with Backstage. "It was so wonderful to have someone like her in my corner, to help me grow through that process … Having her as a friend has been so valuable to the success and happiness of my career and life."
Gabrielle Union & Dwyane Wade
Ciara & Russell Wilson
"For me, I knew that God had brought me in her life to bless her and for her to bless me," Russell Wilson told Access Hollywood about wife Ciara.
Serena Williams & Alexis Ohanian
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