I Didn’t Care About Titles Until This Happened To Me
There was a point in my life when titles didn't hold much weight in terms of the situationships I found myself in. When I started dating in college, my only goal was to meet guys and discover my likes and dislikes in a potential partner before getting into anything too serious.
But as most romantic stories go, I fell in love and everything shifted.
When I first met him (we'll call him Pete), we were merely long-distance associates. The goal was to help him start his fashion blog since I had experience in the area and go on our way. It started off casual, but the more we talked, the closer we grew and before we knew it, we were smitten.
Things didn't get complicated until I started to take a few points into consideration: 1.) he lived miles away in Pennsylvania while I was just finishing up my junior year of college in South Carolina and 2.) he had just gotten out of a yearlong relationship just 4 months before we met. Not to say that this was a recipe for disaster but I'd be lying if I didn't at least consider it.
Being in a long distance relationship forces you to get straight to the point on certain things since your time with one another is both precious and limited. When we first met, he made the 13-hour trek to see me and we made sure to make every moment – and word – count. The first thing up for discussion was of course, what are we?
Chop it up to my 21-year-old ways of thinking, but after six months of dating, I needed to know what it was that we were doing here. Still, I couldn't quite pull out a straightforward answer for whether he would stop playing with my emotions and officially make me his girlfriend. I asked only once during the five days we spent together and his answer was the most compassionate "no" I had ever been told. He goes, "You know I love you, but I'm just not ready for that right now." I wasn't completely crushed, if anything it only made me more determined to "change his mind" and see how much of a good thing I was for him. (Again, I was 21.)
We continued our relationship for another few months and would meet again for our first Thanksgiving together. I couldn't be more thrilled to not only see him, but to be introduced to his family. Funny enough, the moment that I had been anticipating with excitement to define our relationship would become the catalyst of its ending.
If you've ever made it the "meet the folks" round of the relationship, you know that you'll typically be introduced to a number of people a number of times. When I first met his mom, she greeted me with a warm smile and an even warmer embrace. Both of which I assumed to be sincere. She mentioned that she had heard a lot about me and that it was nice to finally meet her son's "girlfriend." That was the first time that him or I had even heard those words in reference to the two of us, and as soon as they exited her lips, he sent them right back where they came from. He corrected her with quickness, saying, "Yeah, she's my friend."
Initially, I didn't take that as a red flag. I mean, maybe he was as nervous for me to meet his mom as I was. No biggie. We each exhaled as the first introduction was complete.
The next day was Game Day, literally. Thanksgiving was filled with meeting cousins, brothers, and childhood friends. With each introduction, he would refer to me as his friend, correcting anyone who would dare to put "girl" as its prefix.
The entire day left me exhausted both physically and emotionally. To be constantly put in my place and have the verbal line drawn for where I stood in his life bruised me in a way I didn't know was possible. I couldn't pick my face up from off the ground. No matter how much I wanted him to commit to me and claim me as his own, he made one thing very clear that night: we were nothing more than friends.
Suffice to say, that was the end of our chapter together and the beginning of me learning an important lesson about men: 89.9% of the time, men mean exactly what they say. Most of them don't have the emotional intelligence to fabricate their feelings – unless you're dealing with a narcissist or sociopath and then we have a whole other problem on our hands. When you're looking for a man to put a title on what you all have, listen to how he's introducing you to the people closest to him. If he's introducing you as his friend to his friends, that's all you are to him. If he proclaims you to be his "girl," "girlfriend," "lady friend" or any other variation of the word, then that's what you are to him.
In order for a man to claim you, he has to want you so bad that he can't imagine his life without you in it. When a guy wants you, he's going to show you with his actions and by how he talks about you. There's no need in beating the "what are we" conversation down his throat or even forcing him into an ultimatum.
If you have to ask too much and too often where you all stand, you already have your answer.
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Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy