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About To Date A Friend? This Is What You Should Know.
OK. I'm gonna start this off by saying, out the gate, that dating a friend is a bit of a complex topic. On one hand, I'm a huge advocate of it because I wholeheartedly agree with what the late and great R&B singer Johnny Kemp once said when he sang, "the best of friends can be lovers, after all". Indeed. In fact, let me tell it, a lot of marriages would go the distance if folks actually married, not just "a friend" but someone they consider to be their best (highest quality, highest standing, most excellent, most suitable) friend. Why? Basically, because we tend to have so much more tolerance, understanding and willingness to work things out when someone is our very best friend. When we see them as anything less, not so much.
There is a flip to this, though. As someone who was once in a relationship with one of my best friends for several years and is no longer friends with that person now, there are a few things that you should think about long and hard before making that kind of shift in your relational dynamic. For me, I regret getting involved with this particular close friend for all kinds of reasons. Again, not because I don't rally for friends transitioning into more-than-friends. It was because he was into me, I wasn't all that into him and yet I convinced myself that, since he was such a good guy, I should talk myself into making "it" happen anyway. For the skimmers out here, let me just say that if you've got to convince yourself to be with anyone (or it looks like they are trying to "talk themselves into" being with you), that is absolutely NOT a good reason to make a relationship happen. You deserve to be with someone who you're totally into, "they" deserve to know what that feels like — and vice versa.
Still, if you and your friend have a mutual attraction, you do feel a bit of a mutual spark, you're both currently single and there is a part of you that wonders if you both should take things to the next level, here are some things that I highly recommend that you strongly consider — so that making that move can significantly up your chances of proving itself to be totally worth the risk.
Know That Yes, a Relationship WILL Change Things
When it comes from going from friends to more-than-friends, where some people mess up is they actually tell themselves that not much will change after the switch is made. In their minds, all that will really happen is they'll go out more and maybe become sexually involved. First of all, becoming sexually involved with someone changes things (it's designed to); if not immediately, eventually. Secondly, the mere fact that the two of you decided to become "more", that speaks to an immediate shift and you wanting one. And sometimes — no, most times — there's no going back once you do.
Can you see the future? Oh, the power we would have if we could. We can't and so yes, making this move is a bit of a gamble. All I'm saying is this is definitely not something that should "just happen". You need to be realistic about the fact that going from friends to more-than-friends can have a ton of benefits. It could also bring about some regret if you're not careful as well.
Whatever You Expect to Switch Up, Discuss It. Beforehand.
There's someone I know who was friends with someone else, dated them to the point of being engaged, broke up with their fiancée, remained friends (see, it happens) and now, all of these years later, he and his ex are considering making a go of it again. What's the hesitancy? Well, back in the day, the goal was marriage. He's divorced now and has no real interest in getting married again while his ex has never been married before. While she's not sure if jumping the broom is a true desire of hers, he cares enough about her and what they currently share that he wants to make sure that he doesn't end up wasting her time or standing in the way of the kind of relationship that could lead to marriage for her, with someone else, in the future.
That's some grown-up ish right there. Problem is, he's been discussing all of this with me more than with her because he wonders if expressing all of this could make things super awkward and possibly ruin the potential of something romantic. Maybe. Yet what's worse is to go ahead and start dating and/or having sex, with both of them assuming one thing, when they both couldn't be further off the mark.
If there is a benefit that comes with dating a friend, it should be that the two of you already are pretty good at communicating, so why feel uncomfortable with sharing your heart about being in a relationship or even what your fears are concerning it? The best that can happen is you both discover you're on the same page. The worst is realizing that you're not and so you continue on as friends. Right?
Don’t Do It As a Form of Settling
Sometimes, people consider dating a friend out of pure loneliness — shoot, even sheer desperation. Since there are no current prospects in their space, they tell themselves that since they've been spending so much time with their friend in the first place, why not test things out to see if becoming more serious is a good idea.
The guy that I was talking about in the intro? That is a part of what I had going on. I wasn't desperate. I had semi-recently broken up with someone else and so I was a little lonely, though. However, the biggest point was I told myself, "I mean, we hang out all of the time and I tell him everything anyway. All I've got to do is have sex with him. It can't be that big of a shift." Oh, yes it was. Suddenly, the guys I used to tell him about and get advice on, he didn't want me talking to and the hangouts that used to happen so effortlessly, we both wanted more from (he wanted them to happen more often and I wanted him to be much more romantic when they did).
Looking back, because we had been such good friends and that served as the foundation of our relationship, that's what made everything last for as long as I did. Yet I would be lying if I didn't say that I settled — big time. I didn't love him as more than a friend. I was in love with the idea of loving him as more than a friend. And, because of that, I tolerated more than I ever should have. He sucked at birthdays and special occasions. Financially, I was in a more stable place (read between the lines on that one). When he had sex with someone else, I stayed because I processed it as "holding down my friend" when I should've taken it as my "get out jail free" card. Literally.
The takeaway here is, when you know that you're settling, in anything, it usually starts to bring on feelings of resentment — and that can never (ever) be good. So, if you're considering dating a friend because "you've got nothing better to do" — don't. Take it from someone who did it that way and lost time that I will never get back.
What Are the Benefits of Going to the Next Level?
I mean, if you're going to think about this from all perspectives, I had to share with you some of the downside potential. Now let's hit on some of the immense perks. Dating a friend means you're getting involved with someone you already know (I mean, really know). Dating a friend means you're taking things up a notch with someone you trust. Dating a friend means that you can move past that "dating the representative" BS that leaves a lot of people totally disillusioned; while there is another side to one another that you will encounter, because you started out as friends, you tend to already know a lot of their flaws, triggers, history and issues (as they do you). And since you both decided to move forward anyway, it's all good.
If they are a close friend, chances are, your family members and other close friends already know them (or know a lot about them) and have accepted them as a part of your world. Dating a friend also means that you can be certain that you both have each other's best interest at heart — that you're not just "playin' each other". All of these are huge wins. They really are.
Remember to Keep the Friendship Your Top Priority
I'm thinking that we all can pretty much agree that the foundation of any relationship should be a friendship. That's why, although there are certainly exceptions to the rule, overall, I'm a bit leery of folks going from 0-100 in only a few months.
I mean, if it took you a couple of years to really trust your girlfriends, why would you marry a guy you've only been seeing (including just met him) for a half a year? While it's kind of a rhetorical question, the answer I've got is a lot of folks are so busy trying to be "in love" that they underestimate how important it is to be "in like" and if you ask any married couple which will get you through the hard times, I can guarantee that at least 90 percent will say that it's the latter.
That's why, if you and your friend do indeed decide to date each other, there's got to be a mutual commitment to keep your friendship as the top priority. What I mean that by that is you need to remain real with one another (even if something is hard to hear), that you both are practical about where things stand (even if it's tempting for one of you to romanticize things to where you are being a bit unrealistic about your expectations) and that you nurture the friendship over feeding the relationship. What I mean by that is you both check in to make sure that you feel like the friendship is still intact.
Because, take it from me, sometimes, when you're dating a friend, you can be so focused on what you think a relationship should be like that you don't even ask yourself if your friendship (and friend) is good — if all of the things that caused you to become friends in the first place are still in a healthy space.
Be Honest: Are You Willing to Risk Ultimately Losing the Friendship?
I was recently talking to someone about how heartbroken they currently are because they dated a friend, it didn't work out and what they are now grieving is the end of the relationship and the friendship. Why did it have to cost them both? Because the reality is, even when you are super close with someone on a friendship level, there are some things that you can only experience in a relationship and if things like disloyalty, wanting different things from the relationship, being emotionally hurt on a relational level happens, sometimes that can taint the friendship because you just don't see your friend in the same way.
Personally, if I had really thought about if I was willing to lose my friendship for a chance at a relationship, with all that I now know, the answer wouldn't just be "no". It would be "hell no" because, although he and I are now peaceful, there's just too much water under the bridge at this point.
Again, I hope you don't close out this article and be like, "Damn. Dating a friend sucks" because it really doesn't have to. It's just important that you and your friend are open, honest and really clear about why you're doing it and what you ultimately hope to gain from it. If that happens, again, your odds of success are really good. On the flip, if you're not sure, keep what you already know is great — the friendship.
Because if it's meant to be, you both will know at the right time, there will be a mutual level of peace and the relationship will also move forward into something else — a long-term commitment. If you or he just doesn't feel right about all of that, at least for now, leave well enough alone, chile. Please. Thank me later.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."