7 Things That Make Marriage Different From Seriously Dating
Anyone who knows me has heard me say, shoot, at least a dozen (times two) times that I think one of the most underrated causes of divorce is the fact that too many people "act married" in their dating dynamics before ever jumping the broom. Another way to look at what I'm saying is, the way a lot of us act in before-I-do relationships, it actually teaches us how to divorce rather than how to remain in a marriage until death parts us from our spouse (more on this in a bit). And you know what? I actually think that's a huge part of the reason why so many folks dismiss the sacredness of the marital union and instead, take on the attitude of, "I mean, if it doesn't work out, just end it and find someone else"…because that's what happens when we date. RIGHT?
While being in a serious non-marital relationship is nothing to be flippant about and it indeed holds a lot of value, for the sake of doing all that I can to prevent future walks down the aisle from turning into two individuals later standing before a judge, I wanted to take a time to shout the magnitude of marriage out. For those who are considering it. For those who are engaged. And for those who are married, so that we all can bring the beauty, purpose and gravity of marriage—back.
1. Marriage Is a Contract
I'll never forget something that a husband of over a couple of decades once told me. He said, "One of the hardest things about being married is trying to see the relationship as sexy when your spouse is also your business partner." Listen, I was just recently talking to some men who tried to pull that "Why do I need to marry my girl? Marriage is just a piece of paper" line when they were talking to me about their girlfriends. I loathe that statement just about as much as that, "If you like it, I love it" thing that a lot of people say.
Umm, the title to your car isn't "just a piece of paper" and neither is the deed to your house—and you definitely would flip out if you didn't have those. A marriage license brings along with it some responsibilities that no one who is just dating or living together is expected, even by the government, to uphold. Plus, there are consequences if you don't uphold those responsibilities too.
That said, I will say that it is definitely well worth your time to do some research on how marriage licenses came to be. Long story short, we didn't even use them in America until the 1920s and it was actually to keep tabs on interracial couples (the more you know, right? You can read more about that here). That's why some people prefer to go with a marriage certificate than an actual license. That's another article for another time. For now, though, since an overwhelming majority of people go the marriage license route, and a license, by definition, is "formal permission from a governmental or other constituted authority to do something" and "a certificate, tag, plate, etc., giving proof of such permission; official permit" and then since a contract is "an agreement enforceable by law", this definitely tops the differences between having an official spouse vs. dating someone on a serious level. Marriage comes with a contract. Signed contracts are nothing to take a casual attitude about.
2. Vows Are Heavy Promises. Very.
If you're someone who is a bible follower, it's worth checking out what Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11 and Malachi 2:13-17 has to say about God's views on divorce. And when it comes to vows specifically, Ecclesiastes 3:4-5(NKJV) is pretty sobering. It says, "When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; for He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed—better not to vow than to vow and not pay." That said, how many times have you sat in a wedding service and heard the pastor or officiant say, "What God has joined together, let no man separate" (which is also in the Bible, by the way. It's a direct quote from Matthew 19:6)? This speaks to two people being joined, by God, in marriage. This means that the vows they are saying to each other, they are saying to him as well. This means that if they break said vows, it's not just to their partner. God is in the mix too. That's pretty heavy.
Yet even if you're not a bible-based person, vows are still a really big deal. It's literally "a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment". Some of y'all might remember India.Arie's song "Promises" from back in the day. The hook says, "A promise, is a promise in my eyes/Can't say you're gonna just to compromise/The very thing that keeps two hearts intertwined/A promise is a promise you can't deny, there's no way." Indeed.
A promise speaks to more than intent. It's a commitment. It speaks to one's character. One's maturity. One's focus on honoring their word, even when they may not want to or feel like it. A promise is all about integrity. That's why I like that a wise person once said, "People with good intentions make promises. People with good character keep them."
Speaking of character, when it comes to honoring one's marital vows, it's been reported that atheists are better at it than Christians are. When I once discussed this fact with a married atheist couple they simply said, "We don't need religion to keep our word." And won't that preach? So yeah, marriage is quite different from seriously dating in the sense that, while you should always do what you say you're gonna do, marriage vows take that up a few notches. Then add tax. Spiritually and as far as one's character goes.
3. Marriage Consists of Obligations That Dating Doesn’t
Yeah, while some of y'all might not sit well with the word "obligation", that doesn't make the reality any less true because when you're obligated to something, it means that it's "something by which a person is bound or obliged to do certain things, and which arises out of a sense of duty or results from custom, law, etc." Did you see that "law" word again? There is definitely a sense of duty that comes with the custom of marriage. No doubt. There is the obligation to remain faithful. There is the obligation to make each other the top priority, no matter what. Husbands traditionally have an obligation to provide and protect. Wives traditionally have the obligation to be their husband's strong support system and partner. Spouses don't do this stuff just because they feel like it; it comes with being married.
If in your mind you're like, but I am seeing someone and I do these things too—I get that. However, you aren't obligated too. For instance, if the understanding in your relationship is that the two of you aren't going to see other people, that is a choice, not exactly an obligation because if your partner finds out, all they can really do is break up with you. A divorce is far more complicated than a break-up.
Then there are the rights that come with marriage. Married couples can file joint tax returns. If a divorce transpires, alimony typically comes into play. Spouses can inherit their spouse's property should they die. Should they pass on, they can also collect their spouse's Social Security, pension, worker's compensation, or disability benefits. This is because a marriage license basically obligates the government to uphold these kinds of things. A dating dynamic never has these kinds of things coming into play. Another thing that makes the two statuses worlds apart.
4. Spouses Can Legitimately Make Certain Requirements
I do strive to be a bible follower myself, so something that I take no issue with is submission (umm, because it is biblical. Ephesians 5, Titus 2, Colossians 3:18, I Peter 3:1-6). It's a part of the reason why I don't consider myself to be a feminist; I am a complementarian (also another discussion for another time). However, what I will say is I'm not an advocate of women submitting to someone that they date. For what?
Submission is a gift that is given in marriage to a man who is also pledging to be your provider and protector for the rest of your life. It's my personal opinion that no man deserves something that special without that level of commitment. Yet once that commitment is in place, there are requirements that both husbands and wives can make with one another. Another word for requirement would be boundaries.
A requirement is a request made that comes with a certain level of authority and yes, I think that applies in marriage. "Husband" and "wife" aren't just cute words; they are titles. When we see someone with a wedding band on, it signifies that there is someone in their life who comes before all others and with that understanding, they are things that they both can ask for that no other kind of relationship can. I'm not gonna get into what those things are because every marriage is different. What I will say is if you ask any husband or wife you know if there are obligations in the relationship, I'd be shocked if they said "no".
5. Marriage Necessitates Sacrifices That Dating Does Not
Unfortunately, something that I see far too often in some of the marriage sessions that I have are people who don't want to make sacrifices to make their relationship work. It's like the moment things get too difficult, they're out—again, like their spouse is a boyfriend or girlfriend rather than a husband or wife. I don't know one marriage that has lasted for longer than the traditional seven-year itch that hasn't made some major sacrifices. It could be professional, financial, ones that are related to in-laws or friends—the list goes on and on. Shoot, sometimes the sacrifice is wanting to end the marriage and yet deciding to stay in it for the sake of the kids (yet one more discussion for another time). Maybe it's wanting to live in one state or country and not being able to do it because the spouse isn't interested.
Let me tell it, one of the best things about being single is there aren't continual sacrifices that have to be made for the sake of another person (unless you are a single parent, of course). That's not saying that I don't respect the sacrifices that are made in marriage. After all, a sacrifice is "to surrender or give up, for the sake of something else". All I'm saying is, singleness provides the opportunity to be more selfish—in the solely focused on yourself sense—than marriage ever allows. And if you're not emotionally mature enough to see how sometimes giving up what you want for the greater good of someone else and the relationship that you're in with them is necessary, you are far better off not getting married. Until you do.
6. Sex Is a Priority, Not Just an Activity, in Marriage
Speaking of selfish, I know A LOT of sexually selfish married people. Yep, I said "selfish" and that's the word I'm sticking with because being selfish is all about being self-consumed—and that is something that you can't afford to be in marriage, including in the bedroom. As I once heard someone say on a television show (that escapes me at the moment), "When you get married, you exchange 'I' for 'we'" and that will preach a thousand sermons. And it's definitely one of the things that we have to keep in mind, should we choose to be sexually active prior to marriage.
Here's what I mean by that. Remember how I said that the way a lot of us date—meet someone, "fall" in love, give our all, break up, rinse and repeat…over and over again—teaches us how to divorce because it desensitizes us from what it means to see marriage in a totally different light? Sex can do that too, if we're not careful. We'll be out here, single, having sex solely for our pleasure (and sometimes if our partner wants to), without really thinking about the purpose beyond sex other than our own personal gain. Then, once we get married and realize, "Oh, sex should be a staple in the relationship", we will find ourselves struggling. It happens all of the time.
That's a huge part of the reason why I wrote articles for the site like "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", "7 Spiritual Principles About Sex That Married Couples Should Never Forget", "Bible Verses That Remind Married Couples To Explore Their Erotic Sides" and "What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex". It's to help drive home the point that if marriage kicks a relationship up some notches, sex in marriage most definitely does too.
Sex is to be a top priority in marriage. Sex is a responsibility in marriage. Sex is more than physical pleasure in marriage as well. It's an act that helps to solidify oneness between married people which makes it special and sacred in every way. This brings me to my final point.
7. If You Are Spiritual, There Is True Oneness in Marriage
Let's end this on a biblical and then spiritual (for the non-biblical people) note. When it comes to the Bible, there is only one relationship in the Good Book that defines it in the form of oneness—and marriage is it. The Bible clearly says it in Genesis 2:24-25(NKJV) when it states, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." The Bible doesn't see dating in this fashion (there actually isn't dating in there at all; just betrothing). The Bible doesn't see friendship like this (although Jonathan did love David "as his own soul" in I Samuel 18:3; it wasn't marital oneness). The Bible doesn't even say this about parents and children. Nope. Just husbands and wives. So yes, while the sexual experiences you have with someone you are dating can bring about a certain level of oneness (I Corinthians 6:16-20—Message), the holistic kind that God permits is only within the confines of marriage.
Oneness is dope too. Oneness speaks to sameness. Oneness speaks to a union. Oneness speaks to affinity. Oneness speaks to an agreement. Oneness speaks to uniqueness. Every couple, once they decide to get married, whether they realize it or not, signed up to strive to complement one another in the sense of getting on the same accord, being unified, having a profound affinity for one another, working in agreement and being unlike any other married couple who has made the same commitment to their own partner. This is a huge part of what the Bible speaks of when it refers to oneness and, even if you're not a "bible person", the words that I offered up for oneness are literal definitions. Marriage is about putting forth the effort, daily, to join one's lives together to create a kind of oneness that no other relationship could ever do.
I've loved men before. I once had a fiancé who I still grieve, 25 years later. Yet none of my experiences have been comparable to marriage. Still special. Still real. Still impactful. However, the more I work with married couples, study marriage, and come to understand what it is designed to do, it really is galaxies away from dating dynamics. The more we accept that, hopefully, the more we'll respect the marital union—and the more cautious you'll be, if you're single, about getting married someday. Amen? Amen.
Featured image via Shutterstock
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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