

Showering. Brushing your teeth. Eating meals. Drinking water. Sleeping. If there is one thing that all of this has in common, it's the fact that they are a part of our daily routine. We do them in order to stay healthy and also in order to (hopefully) prevent any issues up the road. Well, this list that I'm about to provide you has a similar agenda. It's all about 10 things married couples should do, each and every day, so that their relationship can remain strong and so that, they too, can avoid problems up the road.
Yeah, it's 10 things and, at first, that can seem like a lot. But once you read them all, you'll see that all you need to do is a bit of tweaking to what you're (probably) already doing. And, with a little effort and time under your belt, you might just realize that these tips could be the very things that your marriage was looking for in order to truly thrive.
1. A Morning Ritual
Inc. once published an article about the five most important times of the day. The second one that made the list was early morning. The author said that the reason why mornings were so vital is that the first 30 moments of our day pretty much set the tone for how the rest of the day is going to go. Whether it's morning sex (in the shower or out), cuddling together, taking out a little time to meditate and/or pray together, or even saying why you are grateful for each other or giving each other a word of encouragement, before jumping into the hustle and bustle of the day, wake up, pause, and share some quality time with your partner. Being able to mentally and emotionally connect with them, each and every morning, can empower you and strengthen your relationship.
2. Mutual Respect
Almost every time that I'm in a premarital counseling session, I advise that the couple get the bookLove & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. The premise of it is that women need love and, in order for a man to feel love, what he needs is respect (it's biblical; check out Ephesians 5:33; especially, the Classic Amplified Version of it). Now, it's another message for another time, how men's need for respect translates a bit differently than how we need it (the book delves into that too), but there is a certain amount of mutual respect, on a consistent basis, that all marriages need as well.
When two committed people truly respect each other, they trust each other; they can rely on each other; they honor the boundaries of their union; they don't try and change one another (check out "The Right Relationship IMPROVES Not CHANGES You"); they support one another's purpose and goals; they listen and speak the way they want to be listened to and spoken to; they make each other a top priority, and they honor the position that their spouse holds in their life. A lack of respect is one of the greatest causes for the breakdown in a marital relationship.
I promise you, if you and yours make it a point and purpose to respect one another in these ways, you'll be planting good seed into your marriage for years to come.
3. Each Person’s Love Language Being Spoken
I'm pretty sure that most people know what love languages are at this point. But just for clarity's sake, the categories are words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts. Since one of the leading causes of divorce is poor communication, and love languages are all about "speaking love" in a way that your partner is able to understand it, it is extremely important that you and your spouse 1) know what each other's top two love languages are and 2) that you speak them on a daily basis. If you need a little inspiration in this area, feel free to check out "I Discovered My Husband's Love Language ...And It Changed Everything" and "15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language".
4. Woo
It's funny because, at first, the word that I had here was "flirt". However, when I looked up the actual definition of the word, I was like "Nah". To flirt means "to behave or act amorously without emotional commitment; toy or play with another's affections", and that's definitely not something that I would recommend that you do with your spouse. On the other hand, to woo is "to seek the affection or love of someone". In fact, wooing is probably a big part of what caused you to marry your spouse in the first place (because it also means "to seek the favor, affection, or love of, especially with a view to marriage").
Whether it's a passionate kiss before you head out of the door, a note in the lunch that they are taking with them, a "random" text or email during the day, a toast that the two of you make every night—be intentional about doing something to remind your partner that you appreciate and enjoy the affection that they give you. Make a mutual decision that you will find little ways to not take each other's love for granted by engaging in some wooing.
5. Honesty
I recently checked out a movie that came on BET entitledOpen (Essence Atkins, Keith Robinson). It's about a married couple who tried to have an open relationship and…all that comes along with doing that. Anyway, in one scene, another married couple was having a discussion about why the husband doesn't tell his wife everything. There was a line that hit me in a way that made me write it down—"Since men can't be honest in their marriage, they spend half the time being quiet."
I do enough counseling that I totally get this. A lot of wives claim that their man can come to them about anything yet when their man does, he is berated and/or chastised and/or dismissed and/or nagged and/or treated in a way that makes them be like, "Yeah, I won't be talking to you about that anymore." It doesn't have to be about anything related to other women either. It can be about finances, their job, their innermost fears, their sexual fantasies, their issues within the relationship—you name it.
Unfortunately, when a lot of people say, "You can tell me anything", the part that they leave out is, "So long as it's something I want to hear." However, a healthy marriage consists of two people who give each other the floor to be totally open, raw, and real. The married couples I know who are the tightest are the ones who are the very closest of friends. And, a big part of what makes them friends is being able to be very honest with one another, all without the fear of what could come from doing so.
6. Forgiveness
I say this as often as I can because, trust me, one of the reasons why a lot of people divorce is because someone should've said this to them before they jumped the broom. People who are grudge-holders and poor forgivers are people who need to remain single. To forgive is "to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.)" and "to cease to feel resentment against".
You're human; that means you are flawed. Your spouse is human; he is flawed as well. So, if you're out here thinking that both of you aren't going to offend each other or do something that would trigger resentment in each other from time to time, I don't know what kind of fantasy world you live in. In fact, I think that one of the main purposes of marriage is to teach us how to be better forgivers—how to extend the same kind of mercy and grace to our partner that we would like them to bestow upon us.
It might be that he didn't unload the dishwasher when he said that he would, that he forgot to pay the cable bill on time or that he told your mama something that you didn't want her to know, but believe you me, something is probably gonna happen today that you are going to need to forgive your husband for. For the sake of your personal growth and development, along with the health and well-being of your union, do it.
7. Some Type of Intimacy
The married clients that I have, they know that I am all for them reading and then applying "Married Couples, What You May Need Is Sex. Every Day. For A Month. Straight". If you check out another article that I wrote for the site entitled, "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", you'll see that it's because I find sex in a marital union to be about so much more than physical pleasure or even a stress release. There are very few things that we can do with someone else that cultivate a spirit and state of true oneness. And so, it is my very firm belief that the more sex a married couple has, the stronger their bond can become.
But if, for whatever reason, you're not able to get in a sex session on a daily basis—are you sure that you can't pull off a quickie or a little bit of oral?—at least make the time to physically and emotionally connect on some level. Cuddle while the two of you are on the couch. Spoon in the bed. Play footsie while having dinner. Hold hands while taking a walk after dinner. Do something that makes you both feel loved, wanted, and present. In a marriage, this shouldn't be seen as a luxury. Cultivating intimacy is an absolute necessity.
8. A Spiritual “Boost”
Author Brené Brown once said, "We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection." Indeed. I'm a Bible follower, so I personally believe that God is a part of marital relationships ("What God has joined together, let not man separate."—Matthew 19:6—NKJV) That's why, to me, a spiritual boost would be about doing something that would make you feel more connected to your husband and the Lord (like maybe doing a devotional together or even spending time in nature together).
But even if you've got a different set of ideologies, it can do wonders for your marriage to honor the fact that you and yours are spiritual beings; that, as Brené so eloquently said, doing something together that solidifies trust, respect, kindness and/or affection is what can nurture each other's spirit in a very special and significant way. It can be telling each other something that you've been holding in. Or doing something thoughtful for absolutely no reason other than you love your partner.
The married couples I know who have the healthiest marriages, definitely are intentional about feeding their spiritual sides. Out of all that I mentioned, this could've easily gone to the very top of the list.
9. A Selfless Act
It is absolutely mind-boggling, just how many people who are, not only selfish in their marriage, but don't realize that they are. To be selfish is to be self-consumed. An author by the name of Mia Asher explains it in a great way—"The thing about being selfish is that you don't care if someone is at your feet begging you to stay with him, offering you the world, his heart and soul. It doesn't matter. You'll do whatever you want to do. What you need to do for yourself. Nothing matters but what you want. What you think you need." It escapes me right now, the movie or television show that I saw it on, but I remember that when a committed couple got into a heated discussion, one of them said something along the lines of, "When you decided to be in this relationship, you gave up 'me' for 'us'." So true, so true. And yet, why do so many people leave their marriage? Hmph. Just listen to all of the "I, I, I" that is in their answer.
Just like people who suck at forgiveness have absolutely no business getting married, neither do selfish individuals—people who only care about their own wants and needs and how they can get others to meet them. One way that you and your spouse can avoid being that kind of person is by doing something, daily, for your spouse that doesn't really benefit anyone but them. Picking up dry cleaning. Getting a favorite food at the grocery store. Cueing up a favorite program. Doing a house chore that the other hates. Running an errand that would take less stress off of them. A lot of people are miserable in marriages because they are selfish, they are with someone who is selfish, or both. A lot of marriages could be saved if people chose to be more selfless instead.
10. Saying “I Love You”
Is it necessary to say "I love you" on a daily basis? Eh. On many levels, probably not. But to verbally express the sentiment is a way of showing that 1) you are choosing, this day, to remain committed to your partner; 2) that you want them to know that they can feel safe and secure in your feelings for them, and 3) that you have a profound attachment, affection, and desire towards them. Hmph. So, maybe it is necessary to say it every day, huh?
Now, here's an interesting point to consider once one of you has said it. The author of "Why You Should Never Say 'I Love You, Too'" shared that this is why he doesn't do it:
"There is nothing inspiring or original about too. Too is not an action but a reaction. It follows another's ideas and saps power from their concept. Too is the equivalent of saying ditto. Why would we ever add 'too' to 'I love you' then?"
"I love you should be a statement of power. It is something to say to another because it is meant from within the depths of our heart. When we tell someone we love them, it should be organic, brought about because we experience these emotions on a visceral level. Love is a manifestation of feelings we speak because we have lost all other words to describe the intensity we feel in a relationship. A good I love you, spoken at the right moments, compresses all the intimacies of caring for another into a few words that can be said to sum up the deepest feelings of the heart. I love you is often considered the end all phrases for affection. Why cheapen this powerful statement by making it an also?"
Do I think that what he said should be taken super literally? Maybe not. But I do like that it's a reminder to always value those three words. It can be a special sentiment—or even a grand gesture—to not just flippantly yell out "I love you too" as you run out of the door every morning but to instead, pause, take each other by the hand, look each other in the eyes and say, "I love you." It only takes a couple of more seconds, but it conveys that you are making the time to make sure that your spouse knows that. It's a way to honor love, your partner and your relationship with them. And that's something that both of you deserve, each and every day. Amen? Amen.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Hacks To Get Your Marriage Back On Track
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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We've All Heard Of Marriage Red Flags Before. Now Check Out 6 Divorce Red Flags.
Red flags. When it comes to relationships, there is nothing like knowing that there are glaring warning signs that are literally trying to tell you something, and yet, because of how you feel about someone, you choose to totally ignore them. Indeed, as author Steve Maraboli once said, “They ignored all of the signs…Pretended not to see the flags…You can break your own heart loving some people.” Geeze.
And this is why, when it comes to getting married, dating/engaged couples definitely need to pay attention to some potentially serious marriage red flags — lifestyle incompatibility; poor communication; financial instability; sexual incompatibility (you don’t have to have sex to know this by the way — couples need to discuss their intimacy needs and wants regardless); inability to compromise; any forms of abuse or addictions and/or unrealistic expectations.
Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
I promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
I’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
Someone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
I ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
Several years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
Last one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
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I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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