

Do y'all remember the movie The Wedding Planner (Jennifer Lopez, Matthew McConaughey)? If you do, you might recall how Jennifer's character claimed that a telling sign a marriage was on its way to Doomsville is if the couple's first dance was to Olivia Newton-John's "I Honestly Love You". Well, to me, a clear sign that two people who claim they want to share their lives together should pump the brakes as soon as possible is if one of them says something along the lines of, "I hate when my partner does such-and-such, but I'm hoping that will change after we get married." I tend to hear that a lot and, unfortunately, I must admit that, who I tend to hear this from the most are women.
Although it's not my intention to take everyone to church on this topic, I do think it's important for me to share a theory as to why I personally believe that a lot of ladies are hung up on the hope that they will be able to change their man once he actually becomes their husband. I think it goes all the way to the beginning of the Bible when the Lord said that he would provide Adam with a helper (Genesis 2:18). Help means "to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid; assist". But, for whatever the reason, a lot of women think that "help" means to change someone. Yeah, that's unfortunate. It really is. I think it's unfortunate for a few reasons. Let's dive into why.
What’s Wrong with Trying to CHANGE a Person, Anyway?
If you're already reading this and thinking, "What's wrong with wanting to change someone if it's going to make them better in the long run?", you're just the individual I am writing this for—and to. First of all, one of the best ways for me to counter your point is to ask you to put yourself in the shoes of the individual you'd like to change. How would you feel if they felt that way about you? Isn't there at least a part of you that would wonder what was wrong with you being just the way you are? Isn't there also a part of you that would feel anxious and even slightly manipulated in your relationship—like you were being seen as and treated like more of a project than an actual person? And wouldn't that make you want to wait for someone who would love, embrace and celebrate you without trying to actually change you?
Case in point. There is one guy I was in a relationship with for a while who was always trying to get me to grow my hair out and to have different perspectives on certain matters. I must admit that all of the "desires for change" didn't fall solely on him. I semi-hated his sense of style and, when it came to his approach to romance and wooing, I was less than impressed. Then there was how he kissed. Eww. Why did we stay together? At the same time, there were countless things that both of us really liked about each other too (which is why we probably stayed together far longer than we should have). Still, by the time we did actually decide to call it quits, there was a significant amount of resentfulness and pain on both sides.
A part of the reason is because we both spent more time, effort and energy trying to change each other than actually enjoy each other. We were out here trying to alter (one definition of change) each other. We were out here trying to convert each other (we weren't on the same page spiritually either). We were out here trying to revise, modify and correct each other constantly, all the while believing that it was a form of love when really, it was nothing more than a manifestation of our own expectations and egos.
But really—who died and assigned us the role of trying to change each other? Greater than that, why did we automatically think that, just because we weren't exactly how we wanted each other to be, for each other, that anything needed to actually change? Maybe it wasn't us who needed to change, it was the kind of relationship that we were in with each other (hmm…).
A very simple definition of the word change is "to become different". To say that we love someone, but we want them to be different, is that really love? More specifically, do we really love that individual? I'm going to lean towards "no" because if we're consumed with trying to make a person different than they are, while we might love the human Build-A-Bear project that we've volunteered ourselves to take on, we don't actually love them if we're not happy with them…as they are—right at this very moment.
Because a part of what love is about is having a personal attachment and warm affection for who someone is—not when we wish they would be or become.
Does that mean that we should sit back and tolerate the things that we don't like? No. But if it's that deep, why are you with them at all? Rather than using all of that energy to try and change them, why not let them go so that you both can be with someone who complements you better overall?
OK, so does that mean I think that couples aren't supposed to challenge each other, motivate each other and inspire growth and development? Absolutely not. But when that kind of focus is healthy (and non-manipulative), what we end up seeing is two people who are less interested in changing each other and more interested in improving each other. And yes, there is a difference between change and improve.
Why Is It Better to Strive to IMPROVE Someone Instead?
Now improving your partner? That is something that I can totally get down with. The definitions of the word pretty much break down the reasons why. To improve something or someone is "to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition" and "to make good use of". Some synonyms for improve include—advance, better, increase, promote, upgrade (cue in Beyoncé's "Upgrade U" right here), cultivate, elevate, polish, purify and mend. Yaaaaaas.
What I like about all of this is 1) it gives the impression that you already like something or someone, just as they are and 2) what you are striving to do is bring the goodness of yourself to their life in such a way that it won't change their being but take the core of who they are to another level. It's one thing to try and totally alter someone; it's another thing to increase them. See the difference?
Something else that I like about the word "improve" is it keeps the "improver" humble. Take the word "cultivate", for example. To cultivate something requires labor, attention and education. You can't be out here all willy-nilly if you want to be successful at doing it. You have to really study the object of your cultivation. You have to handle it in such a way where you don't harm or damage it in the process. You've got to be willing to put in the time, effort and energy to ensure that it grows—not into what your ego wants it to be but into a greater version of what it was always meant to be in the first place.
And so, when you're trying to assist in cultivating an actual person, there first needs to be a mutual agreement that both parties want to improve (some folks do, some folks don't), then there needs to be communication, respect, patience, love and good timing that goes into the cultivating process. There also needs to be the understanding that not only one person needs to improve—both do. Otherwise, why is either in the relationship to begin with? And what all of this does is create a safe space where no one feels pushed, controlled or unappreciated. It makes both individuals feel like their partner wants to see them win, not change.
Improvements in relationships are dope. Two people out here trying to change each other…is not.
So, take a moment and ponder. If you're currently in a relationship, are you out here trying to change your partner or improve them? Are they trying to change you or improve you? The first word is uncomfortable and a bit insulting, if you ask me. The second one speaks of partnership. Bottom line, a healthy relationship improves two people while an unhealthy one focuses on trying to change folks all of the time. I know the kind of relationship I desire, moving forward. What about you?
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have
This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship
I Stopped Texting My Partner For A Week & Our Relationship Changed Completely
After A Breakup, I Moved Overseas And Ended Up Finding True Love
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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You Don’t Have To Choose: How Black Women Can Care For Others Without Self-Sacrifice
One of the primary instructions we receive before a flight takes off is to prioritize putting on your life vest first if there’s an emergency, even before assisting others. It’s funny how this rule rarely translates to the daily routine of women.
As women we are taught, directly and indirectly, to put others first. Whether it’s our romantic partners, kids, parents, friends, or even our jobs. Mental health survivor and founder of Sista Afya Community Care, Camesha Jones-Brandon is challenging that narrative by using her platform to advocate for Black women and their right to self-care.
Camesha created the organization after her struggles with mental health and the lack of community she experienced. The Chicago native explains how she created Sista Afya to be rooted in “culturally grounded care.”
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“So at my organization, Sista Afya Community Care, we focus on providing mental health care through a cultural and gender lens,” she tells xoNecole. “So when we think about the term intersectionality, coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw, we think about the multiple identities that lead to certain experiences and outcomes as it relates to Black women.
“So in the context of culturally grounded care, being aware of the cultural history, the cultural values, and then also the current issues that impact mental health outcomes.”
Words like “strong” and “independent” have long been associated with Black women for some time and many of us have begun to embrace the soft life and are using rest as a form of resistance. However, some of us still struggle with putting ourselves first and overall shedding the tainted image of the “strong, Black woman” that had been forced on us.
Camesha shares that while there’s more and more communities being created around empowerment and shared interests like running, she still questions, “are Black women really comfortable with being vulnerable about sharing their experiences?”
Being vulnerable with ourselves and others play an important role in healing the instinctive nature of always being “on” for everyone. “I'm currently facilitating a group on high functioning depression, and yesterday, we talked about how when Black women may be struggling or have shared their concerns with other people. They may be minimized, or they're told to just be strong, or it's not so bad, or I went through something worse back in Jim Crow era, so you should be thankful,” she explains.
“So I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people. So that is probably a very common theme. I think we've made a lot of progress when we talk about the superwoman syndrome, the mammy stereotype, the working hard stereotype, the nurturing stereotype. I think we're beginning to unpack those things, but I still see that we have definitely a long way to go in that area.”
I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people.
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While we’re unpacking those things, we know that we’re still women at the end of the day. So as we continue to serve in various roles like mothers, daughters, sisters, and caretakers, we have to make caring for ourselves a priority. Camesha reveals four ways we can still care for others without abandoning ourselves.
Trust
First things first, trust. Camesha explains, “Some of the burdens that Black women have can be linked to not feeling like you can trust people to carry the load with you.
“It's hard because people experience trauma or being let down or different experiences, but one of the things that I found personally is the more that I'm able to practice trust, the more I'm able to get my needs met. Then, to also show up as my best to care for other Black women.”
Know Your Limitations
Another thing Camesha highlighted is Black women knowing their limitations. “The other thing that I would like to bring up in terms of a way to care for yourself is to really know your limitations, or know how much you can give and what you need to receive,” she says.
“So often, what I see with Black women is giving, giving, giving, giving, giving to the point that you're not feeling well, and then not receiving what you need in return to be able to feel well and whole individually. So I really think it's important to know your limitations and know your capacity and to identify what it is that you need to be well.”
Don’t Take On A Lot Of Responsibilities
Next on the list is not taking on so many responsibilities, sharing herself as an example. “The other thing is taking on too much responsibility, especially in a time of vulnerability.
“One thing that I personally struggled with was being so passionate about community mental health for Black women, and saying yes to everything and taking on so much responsibility,” she reveals. “That affected me to do well in serving Black women and then also impacting my own well being.”
Practice Self-Care
Lastly, she notes the importance of practicing self-care. “The last thing is really practicing regular self care, regular community care, so that it's embedded into your daily life. So for me, having prepared meals, going to the gym, getting eight hours of sleep, spending time with friends and family, all of those things are part of my self care that keep me at my best,” she explains.
“Then community care, leaning into social networks or social groups, or spending time with other interests or hobbies. That's a part of my community care that keeps me going, so that I can take care of my needs, but also to be able to show up best in care for others.”
Find out more about Camesha and Sista Afya Community Care at communitycare.sistaafya.com.
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