If there’s a contradiction that never ceases to amaze me when it comes to marriage, it’s the fact that it’s typically more women (than men) who desire to get married, and also it’s more women who initiate divorce (around 70 percent, to be exact; some stats say 80 percent within the Black community. Wow). When it comes to all of this, if there’s a consistency that I’ve noticed in the counseling sessions that link these two points, it’s that a lot of women went into marriage thinking it would be one way and then opt to leave when they find themselves being utterly disappointed.
As a matter of fact, that reason tends to come up far more than affairs, abuse, or even financial troubles do. Even though vows are supposed to be sacred and taken very seriously, unfortunately, a lot of people—husbands and wives alike—will break their commitment to their partner simply because they aren’t “feeling it” anymore. I’ve said it many times before because that’s just how much I mean it: unfortunately, the way a lot of people date, it teaches them to get divorced than to be married because they fall in love, break up, move on…fall in love, break up and move on…over and over and over again. So, by the time they do actually say “I do,” it doesn’t hold very much value. And yes, that is unfortunate. Sad even. Sometimes quite tragic as well.
Today, though, we’re not going to get deep into what people should strongly consider before getting married and definitely before getting divorced. No, what we’re going to explore is the fact that while a covenant union is beautiful (and purposeful) beyond measure, it’s also not for the faint of heart. As I also oftentimes say, “marriage ain’t for punks,” and it’s really not. No matter how much you love and (hopefully) like the partner you’ve chosen, there are going to be days when the last thing you want to do is stay married—maybe because you grieve your single life, maybe because of the sacrifices and constant compromising that marriage requires, maybe because marriage wasn’t what you thought it would be.
Whether you’ve been married for two or 20 years, if you clicked on this article because you can totally relate to having moments when you are simply sick and tired of being married, I’ve got some questions that I think you should ask yourself; ones that will hopefully help you to connect some dots and get the fuel that you need to stay in the love/marriage/until death parts us game.
What Was Your Perception of Marriage Before Jumping the Broom?
A quote that I’m not sure is exactly 100 percent true is “perception is reality.” The reason why I say that is because reality is based on truth and facts, and so, just because you see something a certain way, that doesn’t automatically make it factual or rooted in truthfulness (lawd, I could do an entire TED Talk on that alone).
And you know what? Marriage is no exception here. So, let’s start there. When it comes to what you thought marriage was gonna be, did you think you were going to be Cinderella with her Prince Charming (fairy tales, by definition, are stories told to children that aren’t even true. Plus, we don’t know what happened after the “and they lived happily ever after” part)? Maybe you thought it would be reminiscent of your favorite rom-com (that’s a script, and those are characters).
Perhaps you envisioned that it would be like a couple you know (people only tell others what they want them to know; always remember that). Or maybe, you fantasized that it was going to be more about someone giving you all of what you want and you doing very little or, as I tell brides often, that you were going to be a bride all of your life instead of just for one day (the rest of the time, you’re supposed to be a wife).
The reason why this question is super important is that it’s important to separate perception from reality/facts. Because sometimes, people leave marriages, not because anything is necessarily “wrong”; it’s simply because they have been so caught up in what they thought it would be that they lost sight of what it really is. The Bible often refers to this as “vain imaginations” — the ego feeding the mind with all kinds of random ideas…oftentimes ones that are so unrealistic that it causes people to participate in self-sabotaging behaviors.
Why Did You Get Married?
I’m not sure if I have a favorite Tyler Perry movie. I’ll just leave that where I put it (as a writer, I’m a big fan of people who actually hire writers, feel me). What I will say is a movie of his that I’ve seen, lawd, how many times has BET played it is Why Did I Get Married? and when it comes to what we’re discussing today, that’s something else that definitely needs to be explored to the utmost.
As a marriage life coach, I’ve talked to women who got married solely because they didn’t want to be single moms; women who didn’t want to deal with financial stresses and pressures alone; women who just assumed that was what they were supposed to do (either due to family, religion or social pressure); women who were afraid of being alone (this includes not wanting to be the only unmarried friend); women who thought that marriage had so many more perks than single living (eh, depends on who you ask and when you ask them) — the list is endless.
Here’s the thing about this particular point: when you know your why, it’s easier to navigate through your when and what. Example. I know a wife who got married (young) because she hated her home life, and she knew that her husband adored her. Problem was, he felt more strongly about her than she did about him, and so, when he lost his job, he wasn’t able to spoil her like he used to because she didn’t love him as much as he loved her, so she left.
A big part of the reason why she left is that her “why” was pretty shaky right out of the gate. See what I mean? Sitting within yourself in your “why” can be extremely revelatory. Definitely make sure that you do it.
Why Did You Marry…HIM?
There’s marriage. Then there’s the person you got married to. That said, there’s someone in my world who is currently going through a divorce (actually, sadly, there are a few folks). Something that she is currently unpacking is this very question. Oh, the layers. One is that the way he dated her isn’t the way he acted after marriage (he got lazy, he got entitled, he got assuming). Another is she ignored several red flags, thinking that they would just…go away (like his really unhealthy attachment to his mother). Another is because she believed he would support her career when he turned out to just want to control it.
Y’all, this is reason one billion why premarital counseling is crucial (for starters, you have a 30 percent higher success rate if you participate in some). When you’re all caught up in how someone makes you feel, you need an objective person to basically be like, “I mean, that’s cool ‘n all, but you do know that marriage is about a lot more than that…right?” And then, throughout your marriage, you should at least see a reputable marriage therapist/counselor/life coach a couple of times a year to “take y’all’s temperature” to make sure that things are still running (relatively smoothly).
Anyway, the thing about this particular wife is she and her husband have been in some form of therapy their entire marriage. I know him personally and can vouch for the fact that he’s arrogant and unteachable (basically because he thinks he knows better than everyone else). She’s also realized that she was looking for him to feel voids to the point where she didn’t make the time to get to know him better. And now she gets that her reasons for choosing him had very little to do with him at all. The therapy that she is getting outside of her marriage has revealed that she picks men who sweep her off of her feet only to expect her to do most of the heavy lifting once a commitment is in place — and she keeps doing that because she’s a colossal people pleaser...and people-pleasing is oftentimes tied into trauma.
She’s leaving her marriage because he refuses to actually let therapy do its job (he does it more to pacify her than anything else), and they really are at a stalemate because of it — and that has led to constant retraumatization for her, so I get it. However, when it comes to a lot of other women, they will just leave without looking into the mirror and tackling this question. That’s unfortunate, too, because if you don’t get the answer(s) to this one, a new man/marriage isn’t going to change anything. Chances are, all you’re gonna do is pick the same guy over and over again — because you’re on an internal loop that needs some work.
What About Him Has Changed Since Saying, “I Do?”
Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about how we’re trying to figure out how to meet each other’s needs now that they’ve both changed quite a bit since we first became close. I’m telling you that it isn’t addressed enough that one of the main reasons why so many long-term relational dynamics hit walls is because one or both people expect the other person to always remain the same.
Not only is that unrealistic, but it also isn’t fair. And to make matters worse, it can be the ultimate gaslight to try and make someone feel bad for changing just because it might “shake up” your idea of them or result in you having to learn how to become more flexible when it comes to adjusting to their…shifts.
Listen, life is about evolving, and no one is designed to remain stagnant. So, if a part of what’s got you stressin’ is the fact that your man isn’t who he used to be, is that honestly a bad thing, or have you just gotten so comfortable that you don’t want to learn how to adjust?
In order for you to answer this question, you’re going to have to really think about how he’s changed — and then you’ve got to be honest with yourself that if the changes are improvements that require you to do some growing up…that’s a good thing. On the other hand, if the changes are simply different and unfamiliar, that’s what you need to discuss with him — not berate or condemn…simply discuss.
What About You Has Changed Since Saying, “I Do?”
When it comes to relationships, I’ve shared before that one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” Keeping this in mind, just like he’s changed, it’s fair to say that you have as well — and the interesting thing about marriage is sometimes two people change at different times and paces.
I think that’s why a lot of people will end their marriage and simply chalk it up to “Hey, we grew apart” when it really isn’t that simple. Even the Bible says that when a husband and wife get together, they “shall become one” (Genesis 2:24-25), and there is absolutely no timetable for that. That’s because marriage, Scripturally, is designed to last until death parts two individuals (a foreign concept these days, I know). And that’s a huge part of the reason why The Love Chapter of the Bible starts off by saying that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and patient is where the big kids play.
Patient: bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like; quietly and steadily persevering or diligent, especially in detail or exactness.
And this is why I oftentimes find myself rolling my eyes when folks profess how “in love” they are very early on because if it’s not shown with patience, I highly doubt that its roots go very deep.
All of what I just said, it’s setting the stage for how to handle things if you’ve realized that you’ve changed. Just like you should evaluate how your changes have impacted you, your man, and the relationship, you also need to talk to him about how he feels about said changes because looking for a way out under the guise of “we grew apart” is not honoring your vows or giving your marriage a fair shake.
Besides, it’s okay to change — to not be the same woman you were on your wedding day. What’s not okay is not communicating how all of that has altered needs, wants, and expectations. And so, instead, you just…leave.
What Kind of Tired Are You?
Tired Black Girl GIF by MonA Hayslett - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphy"Tired" is an interesting word. The reason why I say that is it doesn't have just one general meaning. It can mean that you're fatigued. It can mean that you're bored (check out "Bored All Of The Time? Here's What's Really Going On.”) An informal definition is that you're disgusted.
So, you already know where I'm going with this particular point, right? If you feel like you're tired of being married, another thing to ponder is what kind of tired are you? Don't just assume that the word itself is all-encompassing or a good enough reason to end it because, if you're fatigued, that's to be expected. A lot of things wear us out — rest and rejuvenation can get us back on track.
If you're bored, yeah… that's not a good enough reason to end a marriage either. In fact, that's got all kinds of immaturity written all over it because to break a promise, to end such a significant union (and, let's be real, business arrangement) and, if you have children, to intentionally put them at the well and long-term documented odds that come with the brokenness of divorce (you can read about some of it here, here, here and here), being bored just isn't good enough.
Now if you're disgusted — that is something worth unpacking on a few different levels. Are you disgusted with how your spouse is acting or not acting? Are you disgusted that you've shared your needs, and they keep going unmet? Are you disgusted by the fact that nothing seems to change no matter how much you want them to? Maybe you're disgusted with yourself for being so…disgusted. Perhaps there are things that you've been hiding from your spouse that you're disgusted about.
If disgust is the issue, it's time to speak with a professional. And in the meantime, you've probably heard somewhere before that it's never wise to make serious decisions when you're tired, hungry, or angry. Pinpoint what's got you feeling the way that you do, manage your emotions with a mental health specialist, and then decide where to go from there.
What Do Your Vows Mean to You…Now?
Sometimes, I feel like one of the best things that could ever happen to two people who are experiencing a low spot in their marriage is that they really think about what a vow is. It's not just something you say. A vow is rooted in serious intent. A vow is rooted in integrity. A vow is something that goes beyond how you feel at any given time. A vow is defined as being "a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment." And if you got married believing that God was a part of the union, it's also "a solemn promise made to a deity or saint committing oneself to an act, service, or condition," and there's a Scripture that speaks on that part:
"When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; for He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed—Better not to vow than to vow and not pay." (Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 — NKJV)
So, let's say that you said traditional marriage vows during your ceremony:
"In the name of God, I, _____, take you, _____, to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death."
When you said it, did you mean it? And when it comes to where you stand now, do you still mean it? If so, what can you do to push through the "tiredness?" If not, what are you gonna do about the fact that you took vows and vows are nothing to play with?
You know, we live in a culture where very few people live by the code "my word is my bond" anymore. How much stock do you put into your marriage vows? How much does your husband? It's something else worth discussing with him as soon as possible.
Would Life Actually Be Better After Leaving or Just…Different?
GiphyYou know, it’s been reported that at least one-third of individuals who get divorced end up regretting their decision. One reason is that the person you were going into your marriage isn’t the person you are going out and the dating pool tends to shift drastically over the course of time. Another reason is that if you don’t do some serious self-introspection, hopping into another relationship isn’t going to change much.
In fact, divorce rates tend to jump almost 20 percent per remarriage. Another reason is that, even if you don’t feel about your partner the way you once did, oftentimes it’s still irrefutable that they are a good person — and good people can be hard to come by out in these streets.
So yeah, let’s end here. If you’re tired, you don’t need to ignore that. Being tired is definitely signaling some things. Yet before throwing in the towel (or doing something that could jeopardize your marriage, like cheating), please don’t romanticize that things would be better if you left.
If that’s what you’re thinking, this is something else to tackle with a therapist/counselor/life coach so that you can see past the rose-colored glasses of what you think reality would be like into the facts of the truth. Because, oftentimes, leaving a marriage doesn’t make life better; it just makes things different…and the differences can come with a whole ‘nother set of issues that can end up wearing you out too.
_____
Yeah, I know this was A LOT to tackle, yet hopefully, if tired of being married is exactly what you’re feeling right now, this all has given you some real food for thought.
In the meantime, remember that being tired is oftentimes fleeting.
Ending a marriage? It is not.
Please choose wisely, sis.
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- 10 Men Told Me How They Feel About "Marriage Pressure" ›
- What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person? ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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How 10 Couples Reignited Their Sex Lives After Facing A Sexless Marriage
No matter which client (of mine) you talk to, if you were to ask them about one thing that I’m going to inquire about, during pretty much every session, it’s how their sex life is going. There are a ton of reasons why; however, the main one is because, when two people sign up to share their lives, intimately, only with one another until death parts them, a part of what comes with that is well, a consistent sex life— and if sex ain’t happening, that ain’t good; this includes if it’s only happening 10-15 times a year because that, my friends, is considered to be a sexless marriage.
Now if you’re married (or planning on getting married) and you’re wondering how often you “should” be sleeping with your partner (check out “Married Folks: Ever Wonder If Your Sex Life Is 'Normal'?”), research says that (at least) once a week (or four times a month because…you know…life) falls into the category of being a “healthy marriage.” Why? Because at least this often shows that you are prioritizing intimacy, quality time, and even pleasure with (and for) your partner.
So, you know what that means, right? If it’s less than this, it could be a telling sign that you’re doing quite the opposite — and y’all, when sex is suffering in a long-term relationship, it’s only a matter of time before other areas do as well…because if there is no intimacy, quality time or pleasure transpiring, does that sound like a happy place for spouses to you?
And although (and oddly), a sexless marriage isn’t blatantly listed as being a formal cause for why couples divorce, the reality is that many folks will end their marriage under the grounds of “irreconcilable differences” when really, what they are saying, is the intimacy is lacking — and they’ve had enough. Case in point: I once read an article that said that out of 18,000 people who were surveyed, 13.5 percent of married people hadn’t had sex in five years or more. FIVE. DAMN. YEARS. Y’all, that’s not thriving or even living in a relationship — that is barely existing.
That said, because things like different sleep schedules, shifts in sex drives, and even boredom or laziness can cause spouses to put sex on the back burner, if you just read all of this and thought, “Yeah, this sounds a lot like my marriage right now” — before you do anything else, read how the following 10 married couples got through their own season(s) of a sexless marriage. It could help you to figure out what needs to be done in order to get your own relationship out of its current sex rut…for the sake of your intimacy needs and your marriage.
*I always use middle names in pieces like these, so that people can speak freely*
1. David and Chrystiana. Married 11 Years.
GiphyDavid: “People like to make this complicated when it’s pretty simple: what you prioritize, you’ll do. The reason why so many single people have a lot of sex isn’t because they don’t have lives and aren’t busy; it’s because they prioritize it. When you’re married, it’s easy to take sex for granted since your partner is in the bed with you every night. Before you know it, a week [of no sex] has turned into three. But just like food, sleep and your favorite streaming show matters to you, you can find a way to make sex happen. My wife and I had to choose to see it this way — then things started to change for the better.”
Chrystiana: “He’s right. When you’re single, especially when you live alone, you plan sex. When you’re married, so many other plans get in the way that you can forget to plan sex. It’s not that you don’t like it, want it, or miss it — it’s just that there is only so much time in the day. Some people frown on a sex schedule; it’s worked great for us. Every Sunday and Wednesday, we have sex, and because it’s on the schedule, the rest of the days give me time to get ready for it, so that it doesn’t just ‘happen’; it’s an event.”
Shellie here: Check out “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex” and “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day.”
2. Benson and Denyse. Married for 16 Years.
GiphyBenson: “We weren’t each other’s first but we did wait until marriage to have sex with each other. We should’ve talked about sex more before marriage because I assumed that we were on the same page — and we weren’t. [My wife] is very affectionate but she can kind of take or leave sex, so that meant that I had to up the foreplay. It’s not that I wasn’t someone who didn’t ‘warm up the engine’ in the past; it’s just that she needs way more than even 30 minutes, so I’ve come up with creative ways to make that happen. That has made her more interested in intercourse which has made sex more consistent over time. Talk about sex prior to jumping brooms. You and your spouse could end up riding some if you don’t!”
Denyse: “I’ve always been more affectionate than sexual, so I have always liked to cuddle, even naked, more than the act of intercourse. What I had to accept is, when you’re married, it’s not just about your preferences and what you want. I think that’s why a lot of folks don’t go the distance: they are selfish and only care about their own needs. You asked about sex, so I’ll stay focused. If you’re like me and you like sex but you love intimacy outside of sex, tap in with your spouse to see what their needs are. My husband is fine having sex a few times a month and so I make sure that he gets it. Sometimes people are in a sexless marriage because they don’t see what their partner wants and their partner doesn’t want to be the one to bring it up all of the time. That’s fair [for them to feel that way]. You need to initiate sexual conversations.”
Shellie here: Check out “These Tips Will Keep Foreplay From Becoming Boring AF (No Pun Intended)” and “Want Your Man To Be Better In Bed? Give Him A Book.”
3. Nassir and Payten. Married for Seven Years.
GiphyNassir: “My wife will probably tell you that it was shaky at first because sex was something that she would use to get me to do things — or not do them. After a while, I got tired of that and I resorted to masturbation because it was less drama to deal with. You don’t want to be the solution, though, because you can easily look up and it’s been weeks without sex. Whatever is wrong, talk about it. Don’t use sex to hint around about other issues.”
Payten: “I hate to admit it but I’m not alone — my girlfriends tell me so. Back when I was single, I used to use sex as a weapon. Not that I don’t like sex — I like it A LOT. I’m saying that when a man would piss me off, I would withhold sex and when you’re married, it can’t work that way. You can’t expect a man to promise you faithfulness and you turn around and not give him any whenever he doesn’t clean the kitchen. It’s childish but it also creates a wedge. During the first 16 months or so of our marriage, I was being a ‘sex brat’ and it was really causing my husband to resent me. Then we went on a marriage retreat where I learned that weaponizing is what I was doing. Now I’ve learned how to communicate my frustration instead of withholding sex. It corrects the issue quicker and it keeps walls from going up in our relationship.”
Shellie here: Check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why.”
4. Vernon and Evelyn. Married for 20 Years.
GiphyVernon: “I think that every couple goes through a sexless period; the red flag is why that’s happening. Is it due to illness or scheduling or is it because there’s a lack of connection in the marriage. Since we’ve been married, we’ve probably gone without sex at least a dozen times but it’s three or four that I can think of that caused us to go to counseling. That’s my advice: figure out why the two of you aren’t having sex and then seek a professional if you need help getting back on track.”
Evelyn: “People talk about menopause when they need to be talking about perimenopause. The last two years before my period stopped, completely, my hormones were all over the place. The bloating made me not feel very attractive, my vagina wasn’t responding like it used to and for a minute there, I thought my orgasms had completely disappeared. He’s right, see a therapist for the emotional stuff but all women should see their doctor to get their hormone levels checked once they enter their mid-40s.”
Shellie here: Check out "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through" and “Sex And Menopause. What You Should Know."
5. Christopher and Jenavieve. Married for Nine Years.
GiphyChristopher: “Sex is what keeps you from seeing your spouse as a roommate — and that’s easy to do if you’re not careful. I’ll let [wife’s first name] tell you how long we went without it one time, but it was a long while. We weren’t mad at each other — we just started to act more like best friends and less like lovers. I don’t talk about this a lot but the few people who do know ask if either of us cheated. I mostly watched porn which creates its own issues. Bottom line, your spouse shouldn’t become ‘just a friend.’ Prioritize sex so that never happens. Your marriage is in some serious trouble if you do.”
Jenavieve: “For about three years of our marriage, we basically went without sex. The worst part about it to me is when I brought it up to some of my girlfriends, they acted like it was no big deal due to not having sex with their husbands either and that just made it easier to keep going. Since we weren’t really fighting and there was still some affection, we let it slide longer than we should have. Eventually, he got into pornography and I had an emotional affair — both are no better than [physically] cheating, in my book and both happened because we weren’t having sex. If you’re married, have sex to protect your marriage.”
Shellie here: Check out “5 Signs You're In An Emotional Affair And Don't Even Know It."
6. Paul and Apryl. Married for 11 Years.
GiphyPaul: “I see sexless marriages differently. Even if you’re having sex regularly, if your needs shift or one or both of you aren’t really enjoying it, having sex on a technicality shouldn’t count. There have been a couple of times when we’ve gone sexless because of that. The first time, we didn’t talk about it and that made us both resentful. The second time, my wife brought it up and we talked through it. Never think that what worked on your wedding night or fifth anniversary will work in the moment. People change and sexual needs can too.”
Apryl: “I agree. Does sex count, fully, if body parts come together but no one is really satisfied? After about our seventh year, we started taking sexcations, buying books and listening to podcasts about sex, and, thanks to you, creating bucket lists every year. It can be easy to have a ‘If it worked before, it should work now’ approach to sex when you’re married and that’s what can drive a wedge in between you. Never assume that your partner is satisfied. Ask.”
Shellie here: Check out “8 ‘Kinds Of Sex’ All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation” and “Married Couples, It's Time For A Sexcation!”
7. Davis and Ireland. Married for Four Years.
GiphyDavis: “I don’t know how many men read your articles but some of us have wives whose sex drives we totally underestimated. Sh-t, for the first year or so, I felt damn near emasculated because I thought that my drive was high but [my wife] has me all the way beat! For us, while we’ve never really had what you would say is a ‘sexless marriage’, we did have trouble in our sex life because I wasn’t always in the mood when she was and that was bothering her. I know you say that a sexless marriage is sex that’s only 10 times a year, but I think there’s also the kind where your partner needs more than you are giving. Couples need to find compromise with that. It can cause problems later on too.”
Ireland: “If you are like me and you want sex more than your man does, it’s important to remember that it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with either one of you. Society makes us think that all men think about is sex all of the time and that’s just not true. What I had to learn is he’s the one who needs more foreplay and ‘warming up’; his system calls for it. And, when he’s not in the mood, that doesn’t mean that he’s not attracted to me or doesn’t enjoy sex with me when we do have it. Do talk about those things before marriage, though. It totally threw me for a loop at first because we didn’t.”
Shellie here: Check out “If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.,” “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?” and “Fast Or Slow Sex: Which Does Science Say Is Better? (Girrrl...).”
8. Frederick and Dannika. Married for Six Years.
GiphyFrederick: “Go to premarital counseling. If your counselor doesn’t spend a good portion of time talking about sex, find another one. I’ll let my wife take it from here.”
Dannika: “We’ve never told anyone that the first year of our marriage, we barely had sex after our wedding night. Even though we weren’t virgins when we got married, we didn’t have sex with each other and because we were so focused on not doing it, we didn’t talk about sex much because we thought that it would tempt us into doing it. That was a huge mistake because we both had totally different expectations. I’m more of the romance/rom-com kind of sex person and he is, I’ll just say more adventurous. It took us about three years to find a way to meet in the middle.”
Shellie here: Check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner,” “What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex” and “10 Wives Tell Me What They Wish They Knew About 'Married Sex.'”
9. Goran and Kaia. Married for 15 Years.
GiphyGoran: “I travel a lot for work — probably around 35 percent of the time. Then when I’m back home, it’s catch-up time with kids and bills and stuff to do around the house. By the time it’s time for bed, all we want to do is go to sleep. The thing that you have to be careful of is, even if you are ‘too busy for sex,’ if you go without it too long and then the urge hits you, that’s when you can put yourself in some vulnerable positions. About five years into our marriage, we set a precedent that we would never go longer than 10 days without sex, no matter what. It’s one of the best decisions that we ever made.”
Kaia: “My husband traveled a lot before we got married, so I knew what I was getting myself into. What I wasn’t prepared for was getting so much into my own groove while he was gone that he damn near was ‘wrecking my flow’ of things whenever he got back. Sometimes, he would want to have sex immediately and I would need a day to get used to him being back in the [house] space. My primary love language is words of affirmation, so sexting was a type of foreplay that helped to get me ready for his arrival. It’s one of my favorite types of foreplay to this day.”
Shellie here. Check out “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” and “Let's Talk About Sext: 30 Sexts You Can Send To Bae Right Now.”
10. Radford and Orla. Married for 26 Years.
GiphyRadford: “I’ve got enough years in my marriage to tell you that if you have sex for the same reasons as a married person that you did as a single person, not only will you go through sexless moments often, you will probably end up divorced. Sex, in marriage, isn’t just about recreation. Sex is a sacred experience that connects you with your spouse in a way like nothing else. I can say this because years ago, we would have months when we would go without sex. It took maturing about it on a mental, emotional and spiritual level to learn that it’s not just about ‘getting off’; sex is about tapping into your spouse and bonding with them in a potent way that way. Look at sex like that and you will do your damnedest not to end up sexless. Your marriage won’t survive it.”
Orla: “If you’ve heard somewhere that sex gets better with time in a marriage, that’s true. If you had sex before getting married, the first few years of your marriage, you can go in with the same surface mindset about it — have sex, get an orgasm, end of story. Go through some things, see that your husband isn’t going anywhere, and the intimacy of sex goes way deeper and is more satisfying. And when you’re grateful for that kind of love, you want to express it with your husband as much as possible.”
Shellie here: Check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important.”
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Author Sheila Wray Gregoire once said, “Sex is not just about me; it’s about me knowing you and building us.” Goodness y’all, if all married couples took this quote literally and seriously, imagine how much less sexless marriages would be an issue.
Are sexless marriages common? Hmph, common enough. Can they be prevented? 8.5 times outta 10, absolutely. These 20 married people provide some wonderful insights into how. I hope you will take their great wisdom to heart — in and out of your bedroom.
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