

What If You're Just (Sigh)...Tired Of Being Married?
If there’s a contradiction that never ceases to amaze me when it comes to marriage, it’s the fact that it’s typically more women (than men) who desire to get married, and also it’s more women who initiate divorce (around 70 percent, to be exact; some stats say 80 percent within the Black community. Wow). When it comes to all of this, if there’s a consistency that I’ve noticed in the counseling sessions that link these two points, it’s that a lot of women went into marriage thinking it would be one way and then opt to leave when they find themselves being utterly disappointed.
As a matter of fact, that reason tends to come up far more than affairs, abuse, or even financial troubles do. Even though vows are supposed to be sacred and taken very seriously, unfortunately, a lot of people—husbands and wives alike—will break their commitment to their partner simply because they aren’t “feeling it” anymore. I’ve said it many times before because that’s just how much I mean it: unfortunately, the way a lot of people date, it teaches them to get divorced than to be married because they fall in love, break up, move on…fall in love, break up and move on…over and over and over again. So, by the time they do actually say “I do,” it doesn’t hold very much value. And yes, that is unfortunate. Sad even. Sometimes quite tragic as well.
Today, though, we’re not going to get deep into what people should strongly consider before getting married and definitely before getting divorced. No, what we’re going to explore is the fact that while a covenant union is beautiful (and purposeful) beyond measure, it’s also not for the faint of heart. As I also oftentimes say, “marriage ain’t for punks,” and it’s really not. No matter how much you love and (hopefully) like the partner you’ve chosen, there are going to be days when the last thing you want to do is stay married—maybe because you grieve your single life, maybe because of the sacrifices and constant compromising that marriage requires, maybe because marriage wasn’t what you thought it would be.
Whether you’ve been married for two or 20 years, if you clicked on this article because you can totally relate to having moments when you are simply sick and tired of being married, I’ve got some questions that I think you should ask yourself; ones that will hopefully help you to connect some dots and get the fuel that you need to stay in the love/marriage/until death parts us game.
What Was Your Perception of Marriage Before Jumping the Broom?
A quote that I’m not sure is exactly 100 percent true is “perception is reality.” The reason why I say that is because reality is based on truth and facts, and so, just because you see something a certain way, that doesn’t automatically make it factual or rooted in truthfulness (lawd, I could do an entire TED Talk on that alone).
And you know what? Marriage is no exception here. So, let’s start there. When it comes to what you thought marriage was gonna be, did you think you were going to be Cinderella with her Prince Charming (fairy tales, by definition, are stories told to children that aren’t even true. Plus, we don’t know what happened after the “and they lived happily ever after” part)? Maybe you thought it would be reminiscent of your favorite rom-com (that’s a script, and those are characters).
Perhaps you envisioned that it would be like a couple you know (people only tell others what they want them to know; always remember that). Or maybe, you fantasized that it was going to be more about someone giving you all of what you want and you doing very little or, as I tell brides often, that you were going to be a bride all of your life instead of just for one day (the rest of the time, you’re supposed to be a wife).
The reason why this question is super important is that it’s important to separate perception from reality/facts. Because sometimes, people leave marriages, not because anything is necessarily “wrong”; it’s simply because they have been so caught up in what they thought it would be that they lost sight of what it really is. The Bible often refers to this as “vain imaginations” — the ego feeding the mind with all kinds of random ideas…oftentimes ones that are so unrealistic that it causes people to participate in self-sabotaging behaviors.
Why Did You Get Married?
I’m not sure if I have a favorite Tyler Perry movie. I’ll just leave that where I put it (as a writer, I’m a big fan of people who actually hire writers, feel me). What I will say is a movie of his that I’ve seen, lawd, how many times has BET played it is Why Did I Get Married? and when it comes to what we’re discussing today, that’s something else that definitely needs to be explored to the utmost.
As a marriage life coach, I’ve talked to women who got married solely because they didn’t want to be single moms; women who didn’t want to deal with financial stresses and pressures alone; women who just assumed that was what they were supposed to do (either due to family, religion or social pressure); women who were afraid of being alone (this includes not wanting to be the only unmarried friend); women who thought that marriage had so many more perks than single living (eh, depends on who you ask and when you ask them) — the list is endless.
Here’s the thing about this particular point: when you know your why, it’s easier to navigate through your when and what. Example. I know a wife who got married (young) because she hated her home life, and she knew that her husband adored her. Problem was, he felt more strongly about her than she did about him, and so, when he lost his job, he wasn’t able to spoil her like he used to because she didn’t love him as much as he loved her, so she left.
A big part of the reason why she left is that her “why” was pretty shaky right out of the gate. See what I mean? Sitting within yourself in your “why” can be extremely revelatory. Definitely make sure that you do it.
Why Did You Marry…HIM?
There’s marriage. Then there’s the person you got married to. That said, there’s someone in my world who is currently going through a divorce (actually, sadly, there are a few folks). Something that she is currently unpacking is this very question. Oh, the layers. One is that the way he dated her isn’t the way he acted after marriage (he got lazy, he got entitled, he got assuming). Another is she ignored several red flags, thinking that they would just…go away (like his really unhealthy attachment to his mother). Another is because she believed he would support her career when he turned out to just want to control it.
Y’all, this is reason one billion why premarital counseling is crucial (for starters, you have a 30 percent higher success rate if you participate in some). When you’re all caught up in how someone makes you feel, you need an objective person to basically be like, “I mean, that’s cool ‘n all, but you do know that marriage is about a lot more than that…right?” And then, throughout your marriage, you should at least see a reputable marriage therapist/counselor/life coach a couple of times a year to “take y’all’s temperature” to make sure that things are still running (relatively smoothly).
Anyway, the thing about this particular wife is she and her husband have been in some form of therapy their entire marriage. I know him personally and can vouch for the fact that he’s arrogant and unteachable (basically because he thinks he knows better than everyone else). She’s also realized that she was looking for him to feel voids to the point where she didn’t make the time to get to know him better. And now she gets that her reasons for choosing him had very little to do with him at all. The therapy that she is getting outside of her marriage has revealed that she picks men who sweep her off of her feet only to expect her to do most of the heavy lifting once a commitment is in place — and she keeps doing that because she’s a colossal people pleaser...and people-pleasing is oftentimes tied into trauma.
She’s leaving her marriage because he refuses to actually let therapy do its job (he does it more to pacify her than anything else), and they really are at a stalemate because of it — and that has led to constant retraumatization for her, so I get it. However, when it comes to a lot of other women, they will just leave without looking into the mirror and tackling this question. That’s unfortunate, too, because if you don’t get the answer(s) to this one, a new man/marriage isn’t going to change anything. Chances are, all you’re gonna do is pick the same guy over and over again — because you’re on an internal loop that needs some work.
What About Him Has Changed Since Saying, “I Do?”
Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about how we’re trying to figure out how to meet each other’s needs now that they’ve both changed quite a bit since we first became close. I’m telling you that it isn’t addressed enough that one of the main reasons why so many long-term relational dynamics hit walls is because one or both people expect the other person to always remain the same.
Not only is that unrealistic, but it also isn’t fair. And to make matters worse, it can be the ultimate gaslight to try and make someone feel bad for changing just because it might “shake up” your idea of them or result in you having to learn how to become more flexible when it comes to adjusting to their…shifts.
Listen, life is about evolving, and no one is designed to remain stagnant. So, if a part of what’s got you stressin’ is the fact that your man isn’t who he used to be, is that honestly a bad thing, or have you just gotten so comfortable that you don’t want to learn how to adjust?
In order for you to answer this question, you’re going to have to really think about how he’s changed — and then you’ve got to be honest with yourself that if the changes are improvements that require you to do some growing up…that’s a good thing. On the other hand, if the changes are simply different and unfamiliar, that’s what you need to discuss with him — not berate or condemn…simply discuss.
What About You Has Changed Since Saying, “I Do?”
When it comes to relationships, I’ve shared before that one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” Keeping this in mind, just like he’s changed, it’s fair to say that you have as well — and the interesting thing about marriage is sometimes two people change at different times and paces.
I think that’s why a lot of people will end their marriage and simply chalk it up to “Hey, we grew apart” when it really isn’t that simple. Even the Bible says that when a husband and wife get together, they “shall become one” (Genesis 2:24-25), and there is absolutely no timetable for that. That’s because marriage, Scripturally, is designed to last until death parts two individuals (a foreign concept these days, I know). And that’s a huge part of the reason why The Love Chapter of the Bible starts off by saying that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and patient is where the big kids play.
Patient: bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like; quietly and steadily persevering or diligent, especially in detail or exactness.
And this is why I oftentimes find myself rolling my eyes when folks profess how “in love” they are very early on because if it’s not shown with patience, I highly doubt that its roots go very deep.
All of what I just said, it’s setting the stage for how to handle things if you’ve realized that you’ve changed. Just like you should evaluate how your changes have impacted you, your man, and the relationship, you also need to talk to him about how he feels about said changes because looking for a way out under the guise of “we grew apart” is not honoring your vows or giving your marriage a fair shake.
Besides, it’s okay to change — to not be the same woman you were on your wedding day. What’s not okay is not communicating how all of that has altered needs, wants, and expectations. And so, instead, you just…leave.
What Kind of Tired Are You?
"Tired" is an interesting word. The reason why I say that is it doesn't have just one general meaning. It can mean that you're fatigued. It can mean that you're bored (check out "Bored All Of The Time? Here's What's Really Going On.”) An informal definition is that you're disgusted.
So, you already know where I'm going with this particular point, right? If you feel like you're tired of being married, another thing to ponder is what kind of tired are you? Don't just assume that the word itself is all-encompassing or a good enough reason to end it because, if you're fatigued, that's to be expected. A lot of things wear us out — rest and rejuvenation can get us back on track.
If you're bored, yeah… that's not a good enough reason to end a marriage either. In fact, that's got all kinds of immaturity written all over it because to break a promise, to end such a significant union (and, let's be real, business arrangement) and, if you have children, to intentionally put them at the well and long-term documented odds that come with the brokenness of divorce (you can read about some of it here, here, here and here), being bored just isn't good enough.
Now if you're disgusted — that is something worth unpacking on a few different levels. Are you disgusted with how your spouse is acting or not acting? Are you disgusted that you've shared your needs, and they keep going unmet? Are you disgusted by the fact that nothing seems to change no matter how much you want them to? Maybe you're disgusted with yourself for being so…disgusted. Perhaps there are things that you've been hiding from your spouse that you're disgusted about.
If disgust is the issue, it's time to speak with a professional. And in the meantime, you've probably heard somewhere before that it's never wise to make serious decisions when you're tired, hungry, or angry. Pinpoint what's got you feeling the way that you do, manage your emotions with a mental health specialist, and then decide where to go from there.
What Do Your Vows Mean to You…Now?
Sometimes, I feel like one of the best things that could ever happen to two people who are experiencing a low spot in their marriage is that they really think about what a vow is. It's not just something you say. A vow is rooted in serious intent. A vow is rooted in integrity. A vow is something that goes beyond how you feel at any given time. A vow is defined as being "a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment." And if you got married believing that God was a part of the union, it's also "a solemn promise made to a deity or saint committing oneself to an act, service, or condition," and there's a Scripture that speaks on that part:
"When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; for He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed—Better not to vow than to vow and not pay." (Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 — NKJV)
So, let's say that you said traditional marriage vows during your ceremony:
"In the name of God, I, _____, take you, _____, to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death."
When you said it, did you mean it? And when it comes to where you stand now, do you still mean it? If so, what can you do to push through the "tiredness?" If not, what are you gonna do about the fact that you took vows and vows are nothing to play with?
You know, we live in a culture where very few people live by the code "my word is my bond" anymore. How much stock do you put into your marriage vows? How much does your husband? It's something else worth discussing with him as soon as possible.
Would Life Actually Be Better After Leaving or Just…Different?
You know, it’s been reported that at least one-third of individuals who get divorced end up regretting their decision. One reason is that the person you were going into your marriage isn’t the person you are going out and the dating pool tends to shift drastically over the course of time. Another reason is that if you don’t do some serious self-introspection, hopping into another relationship isn’t going to change much.
In fact, divorce rates tend to jump almost 20 percent per remarriage. Another reason is that, even if you don’t feel about your partner the way you once did, oftentimes it’s still irrefutable that they are a good person — and good people can be hard to come by out in these streets.
So yeah, let’s end here. If you’re tired, you don’t need to ignore that. Being tired is definitely signaling some things. Yet before throwing in the towel (or doing something that could jeopardize your marriage, like cheating), please don’t romanticize that things would be better if you left.
If that’s what you’re thinking, this is something else to tackle with a therapist/counselor/life coach so that you can see past the rose-colored glasses of what you think reality would be like into the facts of the truth. Because, oftentimes, leaving a marriage doesn’t make life better; it just makes things different…and the differences can come with a whole ‘nother set of issues that can end up wearing you out too.
_____
Yeah, I know this was A LOT to tackle, yet hopefully, if tired of being married is exactly what you’re feeling right now, this all has given you some real food for thought.
In the meantime, remember that being tired is oftentimes fleeting.
Ending a marriage? It is not.
Please choose wisely, sis.
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (missnosipho@gmail.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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15 Women Share Their Personal Hacks For Better Orgasms (And Sex Overall)
I’m pretty sure that I’m basically being redundant when I say that I write about sex quite a bit which means that I spend quite a bit of time doing research when it comes to sex-related intel, tips, and hacks. Yet I have to say that when it comes to getting some much-needed information in the realm of coitus, it’s been my clients (along with random interviews that I do with people because I don’t mind talking to complete strangers about intimate ish) who have garnered me some of the best takeaways.
Take orgasms, for example. Since I’m well aware of the fact that vaginal orgasms (especially) can be a real challenge for a lot of women, I’m constantly on the hunt for what can help to “bridge the gap” in that arena.
And that’s why I decided, this time, to forego science articles, vlogs, and online data and instead ask some women for myself about some of the things that they do to make having an orgasm, improving their orgasms, and their sexual experience overall something that is so much better for themselves.
So, grab yourself a light aphrodisiac snack (check out “Eat Your Way To Better Sex With Aphrodisiacs”) and dig into what 15 Black women told me gets them off, in a mighty big way, just about every time.
*As always, middle names have been used so that everyone can feel comfortable giving up the goods…umm, so to speak*
1. Rochelle. 37. Married for 11 Years.

“While y’all be out here talking about some kegels, what I’m into is my man giving me a hip massage. The key is to make sure you use some sort of massage oil that has menthol in it. Between the tingling of the menthol and him rubbing on your hips, not only is it really relaxing, but the ‘minty feel’ opens your body up so that once intercourse begins, you’re less tense, and that makes having an orgasm so much easier to do.”
2. Karmyn. 27. Single.
“Kiss him the way you want him to penetrate you. Literally, use your tongue as if it were a penis and move it in his mouth like you want him to move inside of you. The kissing will turn you both on, and if he follows your instructions, you should be able to orgasm with no problem."
"I learned this trick when I asked an ex of mine to explain what p — sy feels like, and he said the best way to explain it is what a tongue feels like inside of [the] mouth. He should’ve never told me that, boy! It’s been hell in these streets ever since!”
3. LaChelle. 43. In a Serious Relationship for Two Years.
“If you’re self-conscious about your body, get some lingerie that has cutouts in them. There is a lot of sexy stuff out here that can have you covering up the parts you’re not comfortable with while still giving him access to the ‘main events.’ My man loves one of my lace one-piece teddies that has no crotch, and it’s easier for me to orgasm because I’m not overthinking the entire time.”
4. Trinitee. 27. Married for One Year.

“We’ve only been married a year, but we weren’t exactly abstinent when we were just dating. So, we like to find ways to keep it fresh. One thing that we do is go ‘hotel hopping’ once a month. We find a new hotel and meet each other there. We try and do different hours of the day and come with a surprise in hand. Like he might bring a new sex toy, and I might have on some lingerie that he’s never seen before. Then we text each other beforehand to talk about the best part of the sex we had from the last hotel we visited. The anticipation is foreplay.”
5. Wren. 33. In a Serious Relationship for Six Years.
“What works for me is doing afterplay as foreplay. What I mean by that is, taking a nap naked with my boo before any sexual activity is one of my favorite things. Being up under him, especially if he’s spooning me, feels really good, sleeping together is very intimate, and — there’s something about being awakened outta my sleep with kisses on my neck and back that almost makes me want to cum right then and there.”
6. Bevalyn. 40. Living with Her Partner for Four Years.
“Get on your back and have him kneel in front of you."
"Put your legs over his, and when he penetrates you, ask him to use one of his hands to apply pressure on your pubic bone — the area right above your clitoris."
"As he’s gently pushing down while he’s inside of you…if you don’t cum from that, I don’t know what else to tell you, sis.”
7. Sophia. 38. In a Serious Relationship for Two Years.

“Shower sex can be a bit much, and I don’t trust a used jacuzzi. What we do is fill up our own inflatable pool and get it on inside of it. It’s perfect during the summer, late at night, because we have a tall fence. Just make sure that you bring some silicone lube to keep things slippery down there. An inflatable pool has been one of the best sex investments that we have ever made!”
8. Averie. 35. Single.
“Wanna know if your man is as into giving you head as he claims? Right after he goes down on you, ask him to immediately penetrate you. If he’s hard, he’s totally into it, and if he catches you soon enough, you’ll be in the perfect position to have a multiple orgasm. Don’t say I didn’t give you the ultimate cheat code.”
9. Victoria. 40. Married for 11 Years.
“Shellie, you actually got me on the cinnamon kick when I read one of your articles that talked about applying cinnamon oil to my clit before oral sex. Since [then], I’ve been doing some research, and it says that cinnamon is also an aphrodisiac because it stimulates blood flow. So, I’ll also drink cinnamon tea throughout the day or share a cinnamon cocktail with my husband. Works like a charm.”
Shellie here: She’s right. I did say that. LOL. You can read for yourself: “Here's How To Have Some Really Great Fall-Themed Sex.”
10. Daniela. 28. Engaged for Six Months.

“Ever been fingered backward? What I mean is, get on all fours and have him insert a finger or two from behind with his palm being flat. That way, the space in between your anus and your vagina will get a massage while your vagina gets penetrated. There’s nothing quite like it.”
11. Saven. 32. Single.
“Ice. Have him rub a little bit of ice on your clitoris and then immediately warm it up with his tongue. There is something about the drastic changes in temperature that gets me every time. And I mean, EVERY time.”
12. Ferynn. 30. Living with Her Partner for Five Years.
“I don’t know about you, but my man loves to put my legs up in the air. It was never really my favorite move until I read that behind the knees are an unsung erogenous zone. Whoever found that out was onto something because if he rubs back there while talking real crazy to me in a deep voice? Here I come…HERE I COME!”
13. Vivienne. 30. Engaged for One Year.

“Never underestimate the power of a foot massage. Just make sure that he applies pressure in the middle of your foot where your arch is. It instantly makes me wet. I asked my doctor why and he said that it’s probably because foot massages tend to increase blood flow, including where the vagina is. Either way, it’s always a good night if I get a foot massage first.”
14. Michelle. 24. Single.
“I’m a doula who owns my own exercise ball…for sex. When I first started showing couples the positions that women can get into to make labor easier, it got me to thinking that some of those positions could work for sex too — and they do."
"Something about the movement of the ball takes the pressure off of the back for both men and women. It also makes getting into certain positions a lot easier so that you can enjoy sex for a lot longer.”
15. Carol. 31. Married for Five Years.
“My husband and I have bets. If he wants me to make some of his favorite meals five days in a row, he’s gotta make me cum five times in a row. If I want him to get me something that’s not in our budget, I’ve gotta attempt one of his sex fantasies. We’re both competitive as hell, so it works for us because honestly, even when we ‘lose’…we win!”
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Listen, I don’t know about y’all, but this was definitely worth my while. After all, ain’t nothin’ like some Black women who can speak from very-personal-and-up-close experience about what makes them happy — especially if it can increase the odds of bringing some sexual satisfaction your way too.
Speaking of, if you want to share the wealth, drop some of your own orgasm-related tips in the comment section. The more of us who can woosah on the regular, the better, chile. Straight up. #havefun #lotsofit
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