This Is How To Avoid Taking Your Spouse For Granted
If someone were to ask me to, right now, off the top of my head, to list one of the most overlooked causes of divorce, I would definitely have to say that taking your partner for granted is up in the top five. No matter how close you are with your spouse, no matter how long the two of you have been with each other, when you don't take out the time to share how much you value your partner being in your life, it can start to take a toll on their feelings and, eventually the relationship as a whole.
Being the kind of spouse who doesn't succumb to this, let's be real, "potential divorce trap", requires daily effort. But if this is an area where you know you could stand to do better but you're not sure where to start, my hope is that this article can begin to point you into the right direction.
Ask. Don’t Assume.
There's a client I've got who has one of the pushiest wives on the planet. It's gotten to the point where he's kind of at his wit's end. When he asked me what I thought he should do to make her less bossy, I said, "Try and approach her in question form." What I mean by that is, "Would you mind if…?" or "How do you feel about…?" Since one of the greatest causes of the breakdown in marital unions is poor communication, based on a person's personality type (and whether they are a control-freak-in-denial or not), sometimes you have to cautiously approach someone in a way that discourages them from going on the defense—in order to get your point across and also in order to keep the peace (in your home).
Along these same lines, if there's one thing that I hear both men and women say is a HUGE pet peeve when it comes to dealing with their spouse, it's the fact that they assume that they should or will do something rather than simply asking first. Meaning, they hate that their partner acts like it should be a given that just because they want something done or desire something from their partner, that it should automatically happen. Some have even said that since that is how their partner comes at them, they make sure to say "no", even if something isn't that big of a deal, just to make a point.
It's important to remember that, just because you are with someone who pledged sacred vows to have your back, no matter what, that they are still adults with the power of choice. Therefore, they don't have to do anything. When we make it a point to make a request, we are conveying that we are perfectly aware of this fact; that we are grateful for their consideration and even more grateful if/when the request is honored.
Say “Please” and “Thank You”
If you check out the Love Chapter in the Bible (I Corinthians 13:4-8), something that it says is "love is not rude". Yet, as much as a lot of married couples profess to love each other, it's kinda crazy, just how rude they can be towards one another. An example? Do you make it a point and purpose to say "please" when asking your spouse to do something and/or follow it up with a "thank you" once they do? Even though I'm a single woman, I've got to say that, whenever someone approaches me with these three words, I am much more willing to honor their requests than when they don't. There's something about "please" that makes something feel more like a request rather than a demand and, when it's followed up with a "thank you", I feel like the person gets that complying is within my power and my power alone. "Please" and "thank you" always translate that they totally get that, and that's something that I definitely appreciate.
Show Appreciation
Speaking of appreciation, while on the surface the word means things like gratitude and recognition, a dictionary definition that I totally dig is "the act of estimating the qualities of things and giving them their proper value". Showing your spouse that you not only appreciate what they do for you and bring into your life, but that you appreciate them as individuals, that is a superpower; one that's definitely underrated. Think about it—when's the last time you made time (outside of their birthday, y'all's anniversary or a holiday) that you actually reflected on your partner's qualities and then asked yourself, "What can I do to make them feel like I appreciate their value?"
This is why doing things like speaking their love language is so important. So is doing things for no reason at all like making them their favorite dinner, handwriting them a letter, planning a staycation or a weekend road trip out of the blue, praising them in front of your children, offering to give them a break from their usual household duties, etc. are all very important proactive steps to take. Everyone needs to feel like they are acknowledged for the good that they do and the good that they are. One day soon, I'll pen a piece on how to "divorce-proof" your marriage. Showing appreciation to your partner—as they do the same thing for you—most certainly tops the list.
Acknowledge What They Are Actually Doing Right
Sometimes, while I'm in the middle of a counseling session, I find myself in awe that a spouse has remained even remotely sane with their partner for as long as they have. My awe is due to one thing, in particular. Their spouse nags…and nags…then criticizes…and then nags some more. UGH. Something that you signed up for, when you looked into your partner's eyes and said, "I do" is to love them until death parts you (a great read on this very topic is "Until Death Do Us Part — For Real"). What comes with that is loving someone who is flawed and makes mistakes—just like you are flawed and make mistakes.
But you know what? If all they are in your eyes is their colossal mess-ups, why did you marry them to begin with? (More on that in a sec.) Surely, there are some awesome qualities that they also have. And, if you think really hard, surely there is at least one thing that they did today that is praiseworthy.
No one wants to constantly hear the list of their wrongs or be in the never-ending space of negativity. Grandma used to say that we can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. No what else we can "catch" by praising our partner? Someone who is willing to do even more to make us happy. Beyond that, someone who actually likes coming home to us too.
Remember Why You Married Them in the First Place
An exercise that I typically recommend every couple I work with do is write down a list of the reasons why they decided to marry their partner—and then post it in a place where they both can see it on a daily basis (whether it's a bedroom mirror, the refrigerator, or they blow it up into a piece of art and hang it up someplace in the house). Sometimes, once people settle into the reality of what marriage is really all about (if you're a believer, more than anything, it's about showing you how to love in the way that God loves you; just think about all that HE puts up with—Ephesians 5), it can be easy to forget about why you and yours signed up for something as challenging, as demanding and, if you do it right, radical as marriage. A list like this can help to remind you that no, you're not crazy for being a wife (or fellas, if you're reading this, a husband). Marriage has its difficult times, no doubt about it. But you are with who you're with for some really good reasons, right? Jot down what drew you to their mind, body and spirit. It'll be good for your "love endurance levels" and great for their self-esteem as well.
Treat Each Day As Your First—and ONLY—Day with Your Partner
November 3 of this year marks the 25th anniversary of my late fiancée's passing. I oftentimes share that while there were signs, even in our last conversation (like "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey and Boys II Men playing and that one of the last things Damien said to me was, "Death is a part of reality"), I didn't treat our final moment together like it was our last. I assumed that the date that we made for later that day was going to happen. It didn't. He died that night in a very freak car accident, and the last thing I remember saying to him is not "I love you" but "See you later". Anyone who has lost someone close to them before will certainly vouch for the fact that nothing drives home the point that tomorrow is not promised and do not take anyone you love for granted quite like death—especially sudden death—does.
Take it from me, the pain of regret of doing just that never ever fully goes away, so please make a point to wake up, each and every morning, with a spirit of profound gratitude, first to the Most High for continuing to bless you and yours with life and then to your spouse for remaining in this thing called "life" with you, one more day.
'Cause y'all, with what life is like right through here, if having that kind of heart and mindset doesn't prevent you from taking your partner—and your marriage—for granted, I honestly don't know what will. Honor and appreciate your partner. Don't wait. DO. IT. NOW.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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The Black Girl's Guide To St. Maarten, An Island-Hopping Paradise
Having explored the Caribbean extensively, choosing a favorite island is hard. Each island has its own unique charm, but St. Maarten stands out for a few reasons. Travelers can explore two countries on one trip: the southern side, St. Maarten, is part of the Netherlands, while the northern side, St. Martin, is French.
With 37 beaches, charming French bakeries, and Dutch wine and cheese shops, the island is great for those craving variety. It also serves as a perfect base for exploring the neighboring islands of Saba, Anguilla, and St. Barths - all just a ferry ride away.
If you’re looking for a destination for an upcoming solo or girls’ trip that combines adventure, beachfront relaxation, and great dining, here’s why St. Maarten should be at the top of your list.
Sonesta Ocean Point Resort
Sonesta Ocean Point
Where To Stay
To get to St. Maarten, I booked a flight to Princess Juliana International Airport, which is on the Dutch side of the island. After landing, I checked into Sonesta Ocean Point Resort, an adults-only, all-inclusive property about 10 minutes from the airport. The property has 24-hour room service, four bars, and three restaurants. My favorite restaurant was the cliffside Azul, where some menu standouts included mushroom ravioli, grilled swordfish, and braised lamb shank.
If you want to party, you’ve come to the right place. The resort also offers poolside DJs, nightly live entertainers, and the largest casino on the island, Casino Royale. You can also spend some quiet time at the Serenity Spa getting a bamboo massage in the Japanese Zen garden or enjoying an Island Flow massage in the outdoor gazebo.
The hotel is also located on Maho Bay, just steps from the famous Maho Beach. Nicknamed “airport beach,” the beach is a popular place to snap pictures of the planes landing or departing just a few feet above you. If you want to know the best time to hit the beach, check out the Sunset Beach Bar, which has a chalkboard with a schedule of landings and departures.
Downtown St. Maarten
Credit: St. Maarten Tourism
What To Do
While you could easily spend your whole vacation at the resort, there’s so much to do in St. Maarten. One of the best ways to discover the island is by ATV through Xplore SXM, which offers daily rentals and the option of a tour guide. The rental office is just steps from the resort, and I opted for a guided tour of the island.
The island is only nine miles long and eight miles wide, and it takes just a few hours to drive around the entire island. There’s no border control (just a sign to mark each side of the island), and you can easily travel between the two sides. As part of my tour, I stopped by St. Martin’s Orient Bay, one of the island’s best beaches. I also spent the afternoon strolling through Phillipsburg, the Dutch capital, and browsing around The Amsterdam Cheese and Liquor Store, which offers gourmet cheese, wines, and even wooden clogs imported from the Netherlands.
Orient Beach
Credit: Mariette Williams
Another popular activity in St. Maarten includes ziplining. If you’re brave enough, book a trip to The Flying Dutchman, the steepest zipline in the world. The ride is over 2,800 ft long and includes a drop in elevation over 1,000 ft. At the top of the ride, you can see neighboring Saba, St. Barths, St. Eustatius, and Anguilla.
During my stay, I also booked a visit to the recently opened We Culture Museum in St. Maarten—one of the highlights of my stay. A visit to the 8,000-square-foot museum includes complimentary drinks and a history lesson on Carnival across the Caribbean. There were instruments and handmade costumes on display, and I tried on some of the Carnival wings and headpieces.
The We Culture Museum
Credit: Mariette Williams
Where To Eat
Of all the islands I’ve traveled to, St. Maarten/St. Martin has some of the most diverse food offerings. On my first night, I took a taxi to Bamboo House, an Asian restaurant overlooking the city. The restaurant offers a variety of dishes like braised duck nachos and a special West Indies Espresso Martini made with Venezuelan rum.
During my ATV tour, I stopped for breakfast at Chez Fernand, an authentic French bakery in St. Martin, where I practiced my French by ordering the pain au chocolat. I also ate eggplant lasagna at Irie Gardens, a local vegetarian restaurant in Phillipsburg. St. Martin also has a big Haitian population, and Villa Royale serves traditional Haitian dishes like djon djon rice, pikliz, and grilled conch.
St. Martin is also home to several beach clubs, perfect for day drinking and lounging in breezy cabanas. Rainbow Cafe has a laid-back, boho vibe, perfect for slow brunches, and Ocean’s 82 is a beachside French restaurant specializing in seafood like roasted sea scallops and lobster fettuccine.
Aerial view of Saba
Credit: Kai Wulf
Where To Island Hop
St. Maarten is one of the easiest places to island hop, and you can collect passport stamps in three nearby countries. Start with a trip to Saba, a Dutch island about a 90-minute ferry from St. Maarten that departs at 9 a.m. twice a week. You could also opt for a quick 15-minute flight and experience landing on the shortest commercial runway in the world. I opted for the plane ride and held my breath as we touched down the 1,300-foot-long runway.
If you’re just in Saba for the day, plan a hike to Mount Scenery. Guided hikes are offered through the Saba Conservation Foundation, and my hike was led by Crocodile James, an expert hiker and local Saban, who took my group on a 90-minute hike to the top of Mount Scenery, the highest point in the Kingdom of the Netherlands.
Mount Scenery Trail
Credit: Mariette Williams
Views of Saba from Mount Scenery
Credit: Mariette Williams
Mariette pictured taking in the views of Saba
Credit: Mariette Williams
After your hike, stop by Tropics Cafe for a refreshing lobster salad or curry coconut shrimp.
I also recommend a day trip to Anguilla. The daily ferry ride is about 25 minutes long, and rides start at 10:30 a.m. In Anguilla, the best beaches are Mead’s Bay and Shoal Bay, and my favorite restaurants on the island are SALT at the Four Seasons Anguilla, Straw Hat at Frangipani Resort, and 20 Knots at Zemi Beach House, which has tables right on the beach. Anguilla is made for beachgoing, but you can also go horseback riding on the beach or enjoy a rum tasting at Zemi Beach House’s Rhum Room, the island’s only rum bar.
St. Barths is another option for a day trip, and the 45-minute ferry from St. Maarten to St. Barths leaves three times a day starting at 7:15 a.m. The island has a reputation for being a hideaway for celebrities and socialites, and like St. Martin, it’s lined with swanky beach clubs and restaurants. Check out Nikki Beach or Ocean Club St. Barths and head to the island’s capital, Gustavia, to check out French boutiques like Louis Vuitton and Cartier.
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Featured image by Kai Wulf