10 Married Couples Told Me How They Deal With 'Pet Peeves'
The lead quote that I just shared? For the record, I hope that most of y'all know that it's shared I jest. Well, kinda. While it definitely should be no one's life goal to find ways to annoy someone else (lawd), the reality is we're all human. And when we sign up to share a living space with another person, long-term, there are going to be things that they do that annoys us just like there are gonna be things that we do that annoys them. Not on purpose. Just because.
Another term for annoy is "pet peeve" and if there's one thing that I find myself dealing with, when it comes to married couples, it's them figuring out how to navigate through their own pet peeves about one another, so that they can have more peace—even fun—so that they're less irritated, bothered…annoyed with one another.
Thankfully, 10 couples that I know were willing to share with me how they get through some of the things about each other that would technically fall into the pet peeve category. My goal in you seeing them is, if you take note of their issues and approach, it can either help you to work through what annoys you in your own marriage or, if you're single, further prepare you for what could definitely be in store someday. Are you ready to figure out how to deactivate daily marital triggers? Let's go.
1. The Taylors. Married 3 Years. Morning Routine.
Husband: "The thing that I wasn't prepared for was the fact that my wife is an early riser. I mean, early. And she wakes up hyper, happy and sometimes horny. I know that sounds awesome to you single folks but when you've got kids and sometimes have only had 4-5 hours of rest, someone humming and opening curtains at 5-6 a.m. isn't fun. I used to snap about it which got us off to a bad start. Now, I ask her to cuddle for 10 minutes or so. It helps me to ease into waking up. And not being jolted makes me more pleasant. Even though I prefer sex at night, it can make morning sex more appealing too."
Wife: "Can you see me rolling my eyes? I know you can. Who turns down morning sex? This guy. This guy right here. What caused me to feel less rejected was realizing that I'm basically my husband around midnight when he'd prefer to get it in. As far as him hating the morning, I used to feel like we should begin the day together. For the past year or so, I usually just leave him alone and take advantage of the quiet time by myself. At least once a week, he's got to get up, though. He knows why."
2. The Johnsons. Married 7 Years. Living Habits.
Husband: "I hate a messy kitchen. My wife hates a messy bathroom. For me, when dishes are left in the sink, I'm pissed. For her, if there are towels on the bathroom floor, I won't hear the end of it. The solution? I clean the kitchen most of the time and she cleans the bathroom. Life gets a lot easier when you accept that your spouse isn't gonna see life the way that you do. Rather than us both arguing over why our partner doesn't see things our way, it's best to just figure out the easiest way to get things done. Remember that and you'll have a lot less drama in your life."
Wife: "My husband's closet looks crazy. I mean, CRAZY. It drives me up the wall, but we don't share one. Ladies, men didn't sign up to marry their mama, auntie or big sister. Walking around, dictating how they should live is the best way to cause them to shut down and shut you out. I rarely have to go in his closet for anything, so that's how I handle it. What I don't see won't hurt me. I just make sure he knows that I don't want what's in his closet to be in our shared living space. It took a minute, but we've found our groove on that."
"Life gets a lot easier when you accept that your spouse isn't gonna see life the way that you do. Rather than us both arguing over why our partner doesn't see things our way, it's best to just figure out the easiest way to get things done."
3. The Richardsons. Married 11 Years. Finances.
Husband: "S—t. This is what no one really gets until they get married. It's really hard to always find your spouse appealing when you're arguing over bills and budgeting. A business partner for a wife is A LOT. Plus, my wife and I don't see the same way about money. At all. She's more of a 'If I got it, why not spend it?' while I'm more of a 'We don't have it if we don't have passive income yet'. I used to get really pissed because she seemed reckless with spending. Eventually, we found a way to set aside a certain amount of money each month that she can go ham on and a certain amount that we save. I can't tell you that I'm thrilled with our arrangement because a lot of what she gets seems like a waste of money to me but hell, marriage is about compromise, right? If you ain't ready to do that, damn near every day, don't get married. Don't. Get. Married."
Wife: "When we were dating? Girl, my husband could romance with the best of 'em. A big spender too. That's why I was thinking that we saw money from the same perspective. We absolutely don't. It was like the minute he put my three-carat ring on my finger, he damn near became a miser. What I had to learn was a man wooing you and providing for you can be very different things—he wooed me to get me and now he's more concerned with providing for my needs. That way of thinking is something that I had to learn to respect and appreciate. Don't get me wrong, a brotha still has to date a sistah. I've just learned that him pulling back the coins is about making sure I'm good."
4. The Talberts. Married 5 Years. Sex.
Husband: "Married sex is better than a lot of my friends said that it was. I think some of them chose the wrong partner but that's on them. My main pet peeve is that sometimes my wife can get lazy when it comes to sex. Like, she's always down to have it but she's sometimes like, 'How can we get this done in under 10 minutes?' when I like to draw it out like we did when we were dating. She says it's because she likes sex but has a ton of other things to do. I've just learned to get in where I fit in and try and create romantic scenarios where she wants to have sex for longer periods of time. It's not perfect but it's ideal."
Wife: "I married a lover and I love that. The sex is so good and, I'm not just saying this because he's in earshot but, my hubby really is the best partner I've ever had. The thing I wasn't prepared for is having to have sex all of the time. Like, all of the time. When I was single, if I wanted to do it every day for a week or only once a month, it was all good. Everything was on my terms. Married sex isn't like that. You have to take your partner's needs into account. Negotiating sex can be annoying. It's definitely not sexy. But if you want to keep your marriage, afloat, you've gotta do it. Marriage is one big negotiation test. It really is."
"When I was single, if I wanted to do it every day for a week or only once a month, it was all good. Everything was on my terms. Married sex isn't like that. You have to take your partner's needs into account. Negotiating sex can be annoying. It's definitely not sexy. But if you want to keep your marriage, afloat, you've gotta do it."
5. The Wilkersons. Married 15 Years. In-Laws.
Husband: "I can't stand my wife's mother. I really can't. She's nosey. She's controlling. And she is way more involved in my marriage than she needs to be. For the first half of our marriage, it was so bad that I wasn't sure we were gonna make it. Singles, when the Bible says to 'leave and cleave', take that to heart. If you can't leave your family to start your own, marriage may not be for you. My wife still lets her mother into our business more than I would want her to, but counseling has helped us a lot. It's helped my wife to see that her mom has never been good with boundaries. It's also helped her to understand that no one should cost you your marriage. I don't care who they are."
Wife: "I've got to admit that I still have some resentment towards my husband because of how he feels about my mom. What I've had to learn is she's not his mother. She's mine. I've also had to get that just because I really like his parents, that doesn't mean that he has to like my mom, even though I wish things were different. My mother? She's not gonna change. I don't even really want her to. But I have had to let her know that my marriage is important to me. I've also had to learn, sometimes the hard way, that she's not my go-to about him. He is. I still hope things will change someday. I'm not holding my breath. I have found a way to keep them both close without expecting them to be the best of friends. I'm not thrilled but it's finally become much more tolerable."
6. The Andersons. Married 13 Years. Child-Rearing.
Husband: "We've got two kids and didn't realize how different our approach was to parenting until after they were born. Our parents reared us very differently when it comes to spirituality and discipline and it has caused all kinds of fights that we didn't have before our children got here. Assuming that things will just 'work themselves out' is ridiculous when it comes to raising kids with another person. Get as clear as you can on the front-end and be open to seeing a therapist about child-rearing in the process. We've done it to learn how to communicate and compromise. I'm not sure our marriage would've made it without it."
Wife: "Having kids is hard. Lord, have mercy! And you don't really think about how different your spouse sees things until they get here. My husband is right. We have had to walk through some really murky waters when it comes to how we chose to raise our children. I think what has spared us is we ultimately want the same goals for our kids, long-term. We want them to have a spiritual center. We want them to be kind and giving. We want them to value education and be financially independent. Our approaches aren't the same most of the time, but the end goal is. We work on ways to meet in the middle to reach those goals. That has saved us."
"Assuming that things will just 'work themselves out' is ridiculous when it comes to raising kids with another person. Get as clear as you can on the front-end and be open to seeing a therapist about child-rearing in the process. We've done it to learn how to communicate and compromise."
7. The Kendricks. Married 5 Years. Hygiene.
Husband: "Lawd. I didn't live with my wife before we got married. I had no sisters and my mom was super private. So, adjusting to periods was something for me; I ain't gonna lie. My wife does something called 'free bleeding'. I don't know if you know what that is but f—k, it's a lot. For a while, she would come at me on some, 'I'm a woman, deal with it' but when I shared that it affects our sex life, we found a way to make it easier. I've tried having sex with her when she's on her period. It's not my fave but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. And she will wear, what's that thing called, a cup during her heavier days. I'll just say that hygiene habits need to come up before marriage. It can be more of a deal-breaker than people think it is."
Wife: "He's over here talking about my period while I'm still trying to figure out how grown men can hit the toilet and not clean up the pee they leave behind. Ugh. When you're dating, everything is sexy because you're both always trying to turn each other on. When you're married, you see it all. I mean, IT ALL. Having a sexual relationship with someone who does things that can seem pretty gross is a fine balance. I would just say, always remember why you chose him, remember that you've probably got some stuff that he doesn't like and always be open to improving. Marriage isn't for folks with a weak stomach. You heard it here."
8. The Gordons. Married 10 Years. Personality Differences.
Husband: "I could go on for days about this. I'll just start and stop with the fact that my wife is an extrovert and I'm absolutely not one. When we were dating, I thought it was cute that she liked to be the life of the party. In marriage, it has definitely been a pet peeve that I've had to manage just because she likes to host things, she wants to be out with her friends a lot and she wishes I wanted to go out more. We spent the first 3-4 years pretty mad at each other because we both were like, 'Why are you like this?' Now, we've learned that we balance each other. Sometimes, going out with her gets me out of my shell and my head and getting her to stay in gets her to slow down and enjoy peace and quiet. You can be 'in love' all you want but if you don't find a way to discover each other's personality needs, you can end up hating each other."
Wife: "My husband can be boring. He's loving. He's affectionate. He's a great listener. He's spiritual. He's fine. And he is BORING. I hate being bored. I really thought that because we love each other so much that, once we got married, we would be the best of friends who would do everything together. Nah. And that's disappointing for me. The good thing is my husband is very confident and not jealous, so he's cool with me hanging out even if he doesn't want to come. I'm still working on that 'balance' thing that he's talking about and I definitely wish he was less of an introvert, but love is about acceptance. I choose to accept how he is."
"We spent the first 3-4 years pretty mad at each other because we both were like, 'Why are you like this?' Now, we've learned that we balance each other. You can be 'in love' all you want but if you don't find a way to discover each other's personality needs, you can end up hating each other."
9. The Moores. Married 8 Months. Space.
Husband: "I can summarize this pretty quickly. Ladies, please stop asking us what we're thinking. If we've got a thought that we want to share, we'll let you know and if you ask that and we say 'nothing', that's what we mean. I really like being married. So far, there are no regrets. But I do think that men and women both have to learn that we are very different people. We shouldn't be out here trying to make our partner think and feel like we do. Just accept the differences and chill TF out. The space to be me is what I've had to fight for the most. We're getting there, though."
Wife: "We're still newlyweds, so I'm sure some more curveballs are coming. What I've had to get used to is just having someone who is always around. You're always sharing a bed. They might always be in the room you're in while you're having a conversation [with someone else]. And even though you love them more than anything, sometimes you really just want to be by yourself; especially if you're in a mood that you can't really explain that you want to just be alone to deal with. My husband isn't clingy, but his top love language is physical touch, so I've had to navigate through not making him feel rejected when I just want some room to breathe and process. He's very different so, just saying what I need usually does the trick. It's when I expect him to know that I want space that things get dicey."
10. The Deckards. Married 7 Years. The Future.
Husband: "It's funny that you would ask me about my marital pet peeve because it's kinda weird. I love just about everything about my wife. But if there's one thing I wish she would do, it's chill TF out more. I'm someone who lives in the moment—you know, I take things as they come. She, on the other hand, wants to have a plan for everything. A plan for tonight. I plan for next weekend. What we're going to do 10 years from now. And don't get me started on all of her damn lists. The first couple of years of our marriage, all of that drove me crazy because I'm calmer than she tends to be. But her focus on looking ahead has helped us to save some money, dodge a few blindsides and get organized in some ways that I've gotta admit probably wouldn't have happened without her. Damn, I never really told her that I appreciate that. I'll get her some flowers or something today, so thanks for asking."
Wife: "He told you that? That's funny because we just got into it last night about making a plan for a summer vacation. Yeah, I'm definitely the planner of the two. I spent a lot of time thinking it was my job to make my husband see things the way I do. That's not what marriage is about. It's about seeing how your strengths and weaknesses can work together to make each person better. If he wasn't with a planner, I'm not sure he'd been financially where he is now. If I wasn't with someone more relaxed, I very well could've stroked out from always being on-10. Recognizing what your spouse does for you gets you through the annoying times. Don't change them. Just see them for what they are."
That last line? It's a keeper. Through pet peeves 'n all.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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