Give Yourself A Break. Not Planning IS Planning.
Recently, I read a tweet that said something along the lines of, "We're not working at home. We're living at work." Y'all, as someone who does work from home (I have for years, even before this pandemic hit), something about that really touched every part of my soul. Because even though I really like working from home, even though I'm an ambivert (which is basically an introvert that is assumed to be an extrovert, at times) and even though I 1000 percent enjoy my own company, I have to accept that something COVID-19 has done—and is continuing to do—is alter our social lives in ways where it seems like we just keep going…and going…and going. No movie breaks. No lunches with friends. No hanging out at other people's homes for a change of scenery. And so, since we're in the house—our house—so much, while oftentimes trying to figure out what to do to break up some of the monotony of our lives, we work. And when we're not working, we plan. And when we're not doing either, it's like for feel guilty for not doing both.
If that resonated with you on levels that you didn't even realize it would until you read it, let me just say that what I'm about to share, I wrote with you specifically in mind. With all that the pandemic has taken out of us, it is so important that you give yourself permission to take a break. I'm not talking about going to sleep or surfing the 'net before you turn in at night. I mean taking real bona fide breaks without any guilt, reservation or apology. And here's why I am fully at peace with recommending that you do so.
What Does It Mean to Plan?
Fail to plan, plan to fail. We've all heard that saying before. Let me tell it, it's a huge part of the reason why a lot of us are either totally overwhelmed or low-key workaholics. It's because society really has programmed us to think that if we're not acting like a human version of the Energizer bunny, we're somehow being irresponsible. That we're not making the absolute most of our time.
So, let's break out of that toxic way of thinking, shall we? By definition, a plan is "a scheme or method of acting, doing, proceeding, making, etc." It's also "a specific project" and "a definite purpose".
We plan what we're going to wear to work. We plan how we're going to spend our time at the office. Then we plan what we're going to eat for dinner—only to get up and repeat this cycle (this semi-vicious cycle) all over again. And shoot, that's not to mention the "bigger plans" that fill up our minds on a daily basis.
It's because of all of this busy-ness that "plan" seems so much like an action verb. Yet look at the definitions again. In reality, the word "plan" is actually a noun. And you know what? Who said that coming up with a plan always had to be about being on the go (or preparing to be on the go) all of the time? The definitions certainly don't. Again, a plan is simply a method of proceeding, a specific project and something that has a definite purpose. So, why can't rest be a plan? Y'all, that's not a rhetorical question because, the reality is, it absolutely should.
What Does It Mean to Rest?
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'". Pardon the pun but, I really encourage you to plan to check it out at some point. For now, I'll just say that the reason why a lot of us do not thrive in life isn't because we don't have the skills, knowledge or expertise. At the end of the day, it boils down to the fact that we're freakin' tired. Worn out. Drained. And you can never make good decisions—plans—or present your best self from this kind of head and heart space. Yet again, because we don't give ourselves permission to rest, when we get to the point of being super fatigued it alters our judgment. Suddenly, we're out here wondering if we're in our purpose, if we should stay in our marriage, if we made the right decision by having kids—the list goes on and on. And if we feed into this psyche for too long, all planning goes out of the window as we exchange it for a truly not giving AF mentality instead. As a result, we find ourselves out here going through the motions—aimless. Never refueling. Just…out here with no real direction or desire…for anything, really.
When it gets to this point and place, there really is only one remedy. Y'all, it's to rest. Resting isn't just about sleeping, yet it's unfortunate how much this very simple point gets overlooked. Resting is about conscious inactivity, especially after working. And the purpose of rest is the refresh and relieve oneself.
OK, let me reiterate that last part. First, rest has a purpose. Second, the purpose is to refresh and relieve oneself—specifically from labor. This means that if whatever you're doing and calling rest isn't refreshing (restoring) and relieving (freeing you from anxiety, alleviating distress, easing you of burdens) you, it…isn't.
The reason why this is so important to put on record is it's very common for a lot of us to crash in the bed for a weekend and come out of it just about as tired as we were before we got in. It's because we were physically exhausted and perhaps we slept yet we still didn't really rest. If your mind was still going in a million directions, if you were still on social media, if you answered every (or every other) phone call—sis, that wasn't resting. Unless you are refreshed and relieved, YOU DID NOT REST (and yes, I am yelling that). No one can say they have rested, unless they are refreshed and relieved by doing it. When's the last time you've been able to say that?How Rest and Not Planning Is the Ultimate Plan
Let's tie this all in, so that you can put a rest plan together, OK? Remember how the title of this said that not planning is planning? That wasn't clickbait. It's the truth. When you make a decision to not do anything that you normally/typically do in the name of refreshing and relieving yourself—how is that not a plan? Again, a plan is a method of proceeding. A plan is a specific project. A plan is a definite purpose. Since rest restores you, planning to do it and nothing else is all about deciding that you are going to proceed with a project that consists of doing absolutely nothing for the purpose of reestablishing you, bringing strength and vigor back to you, and getting to a point and place of holistic health and well-being. Sis, if that ain't one hell of a plan, I don't know what is.
Now that you know this, how are you going to put your rest-and-not-planning plan into place? Whatever "it" is, it can't be work-related. Whatever it is, it can't require doing anything that won't refresh and relieve you. Whatever it is, you've got to come out of it feeling completely restored. Otherwise, you didn't rest at all.
Isn't it crazy that when you take the true essence of rest into consideration, you suddenly realize that you probably rarely ever do it? And yet, there's no time like the present to start. Pull out your journal, pour yourself a glass of wine, put on some soothing music and figure out how to plan to not plan. How to be OK with sitting in a tub for an hour. How to be at peace with turning everything with an "on" button off for an entire weekend. How to not feel guilty for letting your kids stay an extra night with a trusted loved one. How to be good with saying, "I don't know" when someone asks you what your plans are for next week when you want to just not think for a while. How to choose to not plan for next month or year for a couple of weeks so that you can catch your breath and process from a more balanced space.
I know what I'm like when I'm tired. I make plans that I normally wouldn't if I were in a more rested space. That's why, these days, I typically refuse to plan anything until I've gotten some real time off of the clock in order to rejuvenate myself. And y'all, when that happens, I rarely ever regret what I decide to do.
Rest is not a luxury. If you want to live your best life, it is an absolute necessity. Don't let anyone or thing make you feel otherwise. Plan to not plan—soon. Your mind, body and spirit will be all the better for it. And then some.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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