
I Pressed Pause On My Ambitions For A Year To Embrace Healing And Self-Discovery

I was sitting on the floor, in the candlelight. It was a random December evening and the house was quiet. It was just me, my records, and my wine. There I was, reflecting on 2019, and everything that went on that year in my life.
My mother's unexpected passing at the top of the year, the new exciting job that I was so ecstatic about, not working out. My boyfriend's father passing a month later. My world was literally shattered at the start of a year that I looked so forward to.
And the wild part is that the year progressively became more and more difficult.
I sat immersed in the moment, continuing to reflect.
Wishing I smoked or even had ganja on me to cleanse the year. This wine and candlelight will do.
"No one in the world can love me like you do baby."
Anita is blaring. She makes everything better.
A few months prior to this day, I made a note in my phone labeled, 'Two Thousand Nineteen'. It had items listed that had a major effect on me in a year's time frame. When I added them all up, the total came out to 29.
Twenty-nine.
I figured if I saw it written out loud, I could wrap up those 29 negative things, and throw them out with a simple 'delete' option. But in reality, they were there whether I deleted them or not.
I didn't say much to anyone throughout the year, even though I knew they just wanted to make sure I was okay. Text message responses got slower. I tried with everything in me to give myself just a few months to get back to normal. But every high was met with just as many rock bottoms. Every plan I made for myself was thrown to the side. I had fallen into a silent depression over something only the universe and a higher power had control over.
And I needed to figure out how to heal, but had no clue where to start.
After all, there was too much to do, I was on a mission to be promoted to a director-level position within my industry in a year. I had all these events I needed to plan and network for, buying a new car was a priority, and I needed to find a board to sit on. There was absolutely no time to be anything other than what I had always known: an industry hustle.
Go, Charmin. Figure out how to buy that property and help build this other brand. Also, go be a good friend, go check on your family. Go. Go.
Whew.
And one day, it occurred to me: like sis, you're not going to be able to accomplish anything. So, stop. Especially now. Especially in this headspace.
I remember that moment like yesterday.
It was so unfamiliar, yet a moment that would ultimately reshape my outlook on life. But I knew it was what I needed.
We as women say that we need a break all the time, or we need a vacation to get away from everything. This time was different. This time, I needed healing. I decided then and there to take a break from everything. So, I metaphorically packed my bags and told my dreams I'll see you in a year.
Deuces.
In the initial stages, being ambitionless was tough. Our generation is so programmed to always go after the bag. It's almost as if we have some soul tie to advancement—and I was no different. I knew I had to structure out a plan if I was going to succeed.
My plan was written as:
Date yourself.
Do things that make you happy.
Give people who give you the most peace, the most time.
Re-evaluate.
Find a purpose.
And as a grand finale, create an escape plan from everything you need an escape from.
This allowed me to be more aware of what potentially stressed me the most. I knew my stress triggers would present themselves and I'd act accordingly to what was revealed.
Now, to clarify, my break was not an opportunity to be a bum and sit home and wallow in sorrow. This was instead a time to not directly work toward any of the goals that I've had for myself, and that had developed over the course of 33 years.
My only goal was to work on nurturing my mental health.
So, I would often unapologetically leave work and take myself to the movies, or on lunch dates, I'd spend time researching local activities. I discovered new podcasts and worked on forming new habits. I focused on actively redirecting my thinking to more supportive, positive places. I am someone who never buys anything for myself, so I rediscovered shopping (I know, right). I would visit family 600 miles away or invite them into my space (major key). And I spent time seeking experiences and activities such as skiing road trips (experiences were also a huge factor).
Slowly, I began to feel welcomed back into my body. Soon, meaning returned back into my consciousness.
Ladies, I've learned that it is okay for us to take a moment. Just step outside of yourself and take a moment. Not every hour of the day has to be dedicated to "winning." Sometimes, what we're after is silently killing us. As adults, if you think about it, we deal with so much trauma, yet dust ourselves off and continue to work in mental chaos. I personally sought refuge in my home, simply because it was where I was happiest. And combining my home life with activities that I learned to love out loud, satisfied my healing process.
Today, I am happily back in the swing of life. My year is complete, and I am on a path that I literally had no idea I would be on 365 days prior. Everything is looking up. And that's all I wanted. To look up.
At the time of this article, I hadn't visited a therapist just yet, but maybe one day. I know that's probably where this final stage of healing lies.
But for now—just for now—I can truly say that packing those metaphorical bags to take that year off, saved my life.
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Originally published on March 15, 2020
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
Colman Domingo’s Career Advice Is A Reminder That Our Words Shape Our Reality
When it comes to life, we are always here for a good reminder to shift our mindsets, and Colman Domingo just gave us one we didn't know we needed.
In a resurfaced clip from an appearance at NewFest shared as a repost via Micheaux Film Festival, the Emmy award winner dropped a gem on how he has navigated his decades-spanning career in Hollywood. The gem in question? Well, Colman has never identified with "struggle" in his career. Let that sit.
Colman Domingo On Not Claiming Struggle
"I’ve never said that this career was tough. I’ve never said it was difficult. I’ve never said it was hard," Colman said. "Other people would say that—‘oh, you're in a very difficult industry. It's very hard to get work and book work.’ I’m like, I’ve never believed that."
Instead of allowing himself to be defined by other people's projections about their perceptions of what the industry is or was, Colman dared to believe differently even if his reality was playing catch up with his dreams:
"Like Maya Angelou said words are things. And if you believe that, then that's actually what it is. Actually I've just never believed it. Someone told me some years ago, they said, 'I remember you were, you're a struggling actor.' I'm like, 'I don't.'"
"I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living..."
He continued:
"Even when I was bartending and hustling and not having opportunities or anything, I never believed that I was struggling because I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living and creating and being curious."
Colman’s philosophy of attaching to living instead of struggle has blossomed into an enduring career. He first made his mark on stage in acclaimed Broadway productions before transitioning to the screen, where his star began to rise in the 2010s following his role as Victor Strand in Fear The Walking Dead. From there, his presence only grew, landing memorable supporting roles in If Beale Street Could Talk, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, and the hit series Euphoria.
In more recent years, Colman has stepped fully into the spotlight with standout leading performances in Rustin and Sing Sing, both of which earned him widespread critical acclaim and Academy Award nominations for Best Actor.
With all that said, Colman's advice is no doubt powerful, especially for those who are chasing their dreams, building something from the ground up, or have question marks about what's next in their careers. Words shape our realities, and how we speak about our journeys even in passing matters.
Words Create Our Reality & Colman Is Living Proof
"I tell young people that. To remember the words that you say about yourself and your career are true. So, I choose to make it full of light and love and it's interesting and every day I'm going to learn something new even if it looks like I don't have what I want but it's important to be in the moment... you really build on the moments moment to moment.
"And you're looking back at your career as I've been in it for what 33 years and you're like, 'Wow, that's what I've been doing.' And I've stayed strong to that so I think that is truly my advice."
Let this be your sign to give your path a reframe. When the path you're on feels uncertain, the journey is still unfolding. Like Colman said: "I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living."
That's a Black king right there.
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