Every Major Win In My Life Came After A Breakdown
I was 22 years old and jobless when I stepped out of a taxi cab in Brooklyn, New York after leaving my California life and relocating to a city I had never even been to.
My college friend had secured an apartment for us and I had three interviews lined up for the week. It was November, cold and rainy. The coat I bought at my favorite shop in Oakland was the only New York weather-appropriate item of clothing I owned. I didn't care. I was riding on a high and I had no plans for that high to go down. I was young without a single tie to anyone and now I was 3,000 miles away from everyone who knew me.
My life was finally beginning.
The next night, I cried so hard in my shower that I almost threw up.
This became my nightly routine.
All of it was so overwhelming. A brand new place, a brand new culture, and with only one friend in my east coast roster, suddenly it all felt like a terrible decision. I called my mom a week later and confessed that things weren't going as well as I thought they would and she immediately offered to send me a flight back home. I grappled with the idea of heading back, tail between my legs, my attempt at adulthood a short-lived failure. I couldn't do it. So, instead of packing my things and moving back home, I learned one of the most important lessons of my life:
Breaking down is a sign that you're about to build yourself back up.
As women, we're all very familiar with the feeling of breaking down. It may come in the form of depression or anti-social behavior or intense procrastination or just uncontrollable weeping. Usually when we're on the brink, we do our best to prevent it.
"I need to take a vacation because I'm on the edge of a breakdown," is something we've all said at some point. But, since breaking down is an inevitable part of life, maybe it's time we changed the way we approach it.
Instead of tapping out or avoiding it completely, try this instead: do your best to embrace the breakdown.
We walk around all day showing our best face to the world as we encounter things like intersectional oppression and constant criticism. Not to mention the addition of life's little gems, like break-ups, financial strain, friends letting us down, or injury and illness. When life feels really heavy and you think you're about to lose it, take a moment and allow yourself to lose it. Cry in the shower, cut off the world for a week, sleep for an entire day, scream into the night.
Why?
Because letting it out makes room for the glow up.
It's in there, hiding underneath the pressure and stress you've been holding onto. It's waiting for you to deal with all the emotions that are simmering just below your surface.
Once you admit to yourself that you can't handle what's in front of you, the next step is to forgive yourself. You're not superwoman, you can't do it all and you've been trying your best. Say it in the mirror, "I can't do it all, and that's okay."
Back when I was crying in the shower, the thing that pulled me through was not some magical solution that fell into my lap. I admitted I was overwhelmed, forgave myself for being weakened by a new situation, and decided to change my step. I started going out more, met new people, and began building a new circle of friends. I got a job that I liked and started having more fun. But those actions would have never been possible if all I did was sit under the feeling of being overwhelmed pretending everything was ok. How could I walk into a room and make an impression on new people if I'm awkwardly trying to smile through unresolved pain?
Freeing myself was key.
Now, when I feel a breakdown coming on, the narrative is different.
I cry or sleep or run away for a weekend but then I tell myself that it's time to make some life changes. I forgive myself for needing to shift my plan based on my emotional health and I'm reminded once again that I'm my closest ally. Life will inevitably get to be too much sometimes, especially for a woman of color.
Take the time and space to allow yourself to feel it, and know that another shining moment is waiting on the other side.
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xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Originally published on December 29, 2017.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images