The Self-Care Checklist Every Woman Needs
Y'all, I promise you that if there's one thing that I think is at the root of most of the challenges a lot of my clients have, it's that they don't have a clue what it means to put self-care into practice. If they did, they would approach work differently, they wouldn't settle in a lot of the relationships that they do and they would be in a much better space—mentally, emotionally and physically. It's like, we spend so much time making sure that others are good that we don't even take a few moments to see if we're OK as well.
That's why I came up with this list. It's a list of 15 ways that each and every woman can take better care of her entire being. While I'm pretty sure there are at least a dozen of other things that I could've added, as someone who has been putting all of these into practice for a while now, I can personally attest to the fact that the quality of my life has gotten so much better once I made these paramount in my life.
1. Have a Pampering Budget
I can't tell you how many times I've talked to a woman about the importance of pampering herself and she's replied with, "I don't even know what that means." For the record, taking bubble baths and getting your nails done is cool but technically that falls under the category of self-maintenance. Pampering is "to treat or gratify with extreme or excessive indulgence, kindness, or care" which means, yes, going a little over the top when it comes to doing things for yourself.
Pampering is doing things like buying a pair of shoes that you don't need but you know would be killin' on you or booking a room in your favorite hotel, for the weekend, just to sleep or read in. And yes, every single woman on the planet should have a budget for that.
If you're wondering where or how to start, "tithing to yourself" (setting aside 10 percent of each paycheck) is a good starting point. That way, it's in the budget and you don't have to worry about spending more than you should.
2. Set Social Media Hours
The reason why we write articles on this site like, "Social Media: How To Take Back Control Of What You're Consuming", "Why Taking A Break From Social Media Is Critical For My Self-Care Routine" and "What I Learned From My Two-Month Social Media Fast" is because, who needs to be "plugged in", consuming data and talking to people ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT long? While social media does have its benefits (such as networking, brand development and getting news as quickly as it's produced), too much of anything can work against, rather than for, you. Case in point. I've got one friend who is so addicted to her smartphone that she's basically an insomniac; her sex life with her hubby is suffering as well.
While that might sound crazy to some of y'all, there are articles out in cyberspace like, "Excessive Social Media Use Comparable to Drug Addiction" that confirm it is oh so very real. Social media is cool, but you don't actually need it. All you need is food, water, air, shelter—and your faith. This means that you can totally do without it from time to time. Do your holistic health a favor and make sure that you do so by setting hours for when your notifications are on and…when they are off.
3. Use Your Bedroom “Appropriately”
It can't be said enough that bedrooms are to be used ONLY for sex and for sleeping. Not too long ago, I was talking to a fellow worker about her totally insane sleep patterns. One of the things that she mentioned was, that she had a hard time falling asleep because she did most of her writing in her bedroom. Do you get how hard it is to see the place where you work as the place where you rest? Even if you're in a studio apartment, designate a corner where you do all of your "heavy lifting". While you're at it, set aside a few (more) bucks to make your bedroom a haven for calm, peace, and utter tranquility (on top of being a sex den, if you're presently "occupied"). If there is one room in your house that should make you feel totally chilled out and sexy as hell at the same time, it would be your bedroom. Does it?
4. When You’re Away from Work…STAY AWAY FROM IT
The United States is the most overworked developed nation in the world. That's not my opinion; that's actually the title of an article I recently read. And don't even get me started on how many people who bust their asses are underpaid—and underappreciated—in the process. While we all need to work in order to pay the bills, it's important to remember that we have work hours (and if you're an entrepreneur, you should definitely implement some) for a reason.
Start your week or day off with to-do lists. Manage your time wisely so that you can complete what's on it. And then, when you're done for the day, BE DONE.
Thankfully, being raised to be a Seventh-Day Sabbath observer taught me that Friday sunset through Saturday sunset was a non-work option (via Exodus 20:8-11). But whatever your personal faith journey is, please make sure that you make rest a top priority. Work is supposed to support your life, not take over it. Don't feel guilty for setting limits in this area. Your mind, body and spirit need you to do just that.
5. Date Yourself
Tell the truth and shame the devil. When's the last time you took your own self out on a date? If your immediate response is "that sounds awkward as hell", if you happen to be single, ask some of the wives you know how important it is and how much they envy you that you can "kick it alone" more than they are able to now that they're married (come to think of it, when I had a blog for single women, a close friend of mine shared what she misses about being single entitled "A married lady's words to single sisters". Check it out when you get a chance).
Head to the movies without having to compromise on which one to watch. Sit in a coffee shop and read for hours on end without interruption. Go to the spa for a couple of hours whenever you feel like it. Take a class or attend a seminar that's related to something you've always been interested or wanted to try. Try a new restaurant. Devote a day to doing absolutely nothing but whatever the heck you want to do (even if that's staying in bed for hours on end). The options really are endless. Just remember that dating is all about getting to know someone better in a pleasant environment. Who said that person can't—or shouldn't—be yourself?
6. Forgive Yourself
Author Miguel Ángel Ruiz Macías once said, "Forgive yourself. The supreme act of forgiveness is when you can forgive yourself for all the wounds you've created in your own life. Forgiveness is an act of self-love. When you forgive yourself, self-acceptance begins and self-love grows." You know what? He's 100 percent correct. You know, there are people I've come across who are so offended by how openly I can speak about things like my abortions or my past sexual history. It's not that I don't have some regrets (all regrets are is expressing remorse; remorse oftentimes brings about real change); it's just that, since I've forgiven myself for a lot of my choices and mistakes (which aren't automatically one and the same, y'all), the wounds are now scars. And, hopefully, I am able to help others with my testimony.
No matter how many things that you check off on this list, they are kinda sorta gonna be for naught if forgiving yourself isn't a consistent practice. Acknowledge your faults. Release the guilt and shame surrounding them. Find ways to do better the next time. Then rinse and repeat. It's not always an easy practice but man, is it a liberating one.
7. Treat Yourself (at Least) Once a Week
An associate professor by the name of Kristin Neff once said, "I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren't more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they'll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be." If that's a radical way of thinking to you, then it's a quote that you should print out and post up somewhere. As someone who now makes a point and purpose to treat myself, at least once a week—whether it's getting a new shade of lip gloss, ordering chicken and waffles from my favorite spot, or purchasing a graphic T-shirt…just because I like it—I am here to tell you that it really does cause me to be a lot more gentle and loving with myself.
A lot of times, we're not taught to be self-indulgent because it can be confused with being selfish. But when the Golden Rule tells us to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you", how can you treat others well when you're not treating yourself in the same manner? Treating yourself isn't frivolous. It's how you program your being into making yourself a priority; into doing things that make you smile, simply because you deserve to.
8. Spend Some Time Outside
Out of all of the things on this list, the one that I personally know I need to get better at is spending more time in the great outdoors. Because I write and counsel for a living (and because I actually enjoy being in cooler and darker spaces), it can easily be days before I spend any significant amount of time in the sunlight. That's not good either because there is plenty of scientific evidence that points to the fact that hanging out in nature can do everything from reduce pain and improve your vision to increase your Vitamin D intake (which is something that a lot of us are deficient in) and strengthen your immune system.
Plus, if you're an avid reader, classic books like The Celestine Prophecy offer some other cool takes on how nature communicates with us (ones that I've personally experienced). Whether it's jogging in the morning, strolling after dinner, or hiking on the weekends, make it a practice to get out from under your roof and into a space where you can look at the clouds—or stare at the stars.
9. “Prune” Your Relationships
Any gardener will tell you that nothing really grows right or well unless you prune it from time to time. Pruning is about getting rid of what's old or unhealthy so that something can flourish. And yes, this definitely needs to happen in relationships just as much as it does in nature. In fact, I think that if this happened more often, a lot of relationships (especially friendships) wouldn't end…they would just transform or shift.
Something that I do with the friendships that I truly value is taking an informal assessment once a year. If everyone involved has been intentional about self-growth and personal development, we've all done some changing within 12 months' time. So, what we discuss is where we are, what we need, and how we see our relationship at the present time. What is no longer serving either one of these, we either remove it or compromise. Trust me, it's so much better than abruptly cutting someone off or resenting someone for feeling like things have to stay exactly the same when you are totally different. No doubt about it, pruning is definitely an act of self-care. Make sure that you do it from time to time.
10. Take Vacation/Personal Days
I work from home and have for many years now. For the most part, it's the complete and total bomb. The challenge is, that when your bosses don't interact with you in the physical sense, you're seen more like content than an actual human being. As a result, it can be hard to get any time off. Apparently, based on an article that I recently read, folks who go into the office aren't much better. According to it, a lot of y'all are out here taking (what?!) only 2.5 sick days off PER YEAR, mostly because you feel like you can't afford to do more than that. From a got-to-pay-the-bills standpoint, I hear you but, you know what you really can't afford?
Soaring medical bills due to stress-related diseases that came from not taking proper care of yourself. Vacations and personal days aren't luxuries. Sis, you've totally earned them. And while we're at it, sick days are there for a reason and a purpose. You're only going to extend how long you're not well (and potentially get others sick around you) if you don't use those too. Don't feel guilty for off-days that you have coming for a reason. Use them. That's what they are there for.
11. Embrace Luxury Baths
Remember how I said earlier that "regular baths" are nothing more than mere maintenance and upkeep? I totally meant that. What I'm talking about here is setting aside, at least one day a week, to be ridiculously self-indulgent. I'm talking rose petals. I'm talking soaking in chocolate (you can cop a DIY chocolate bubble bath recipe here). I'm talking a glass of wine beside you and soft music playing in the background. Since baths can calm anxiety, improve the health of your heart and even balance your hormones, it definitely deserves to be on the list of what it takes to practice true self-care, don't you think?
12. Get the Answers You Seek
Back in 2015, when I went on what I call the "Get Your Heart Pieces Back" tour, some women gave me pushback, talking about I was only further harming myself by revisiting the past. You know what's interesting about a lot of those ladies? Many of them can't seem to make a relationship work or last to save their life because they are still angry, bitter, or unresolved when it comes to some of the men in their life. It's kinda crazy, but while I was out looking for my exes (whether they were ex-boyfriends or ex-sex partners), I ended up discovering even more about myself in the process. Then, once I had the conversations that I wanted to have with them, clarity, resolve, inner peace, forgiveness, or closure finally came to the point that I know that I am in a good place when it comes to how I process them and my past.
I know that not everyone is going to embark upon that kind of journey; I get it. But if you've got questions, about anything, there is nothing wrong with wanting to get the answers that you seek. It can be by reading a book. It can be by going to counseling. It can be by getting a mentor. All I'm saying is knowledge (especially over assumption) can bring about so much understanding and growth. The quest for resolution is one of the greatest—and underrated—forms of self-care that there is.
12. Pray and/or Meditate
You can read articles like "Does Prayer Help or Harm Your Health?" and studies like "Prayer and healing: A medical and scientific perspective on randomized controlled trials" for proof that praying for yourself (and for others) has numerous health-related benefits, both physically and mentally. Let me tell it, it's because prayer affords us the opportunity to release what we're internalizing while finding comfort that we're not "in this thing" alone; that there is a Higher Power who totally has our back. As far as meditation goes, it does everything from reducing stress and lengthening our attention span to helping us fight substance abuse addiction and making us more empathetic human beings. Know something else that meditation does? If you do it with your partner, it can give you one heck of an orgasm (check out "What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?"). So, if you're not devoting at least 30 minutes a day to prayer and/or meditation…why aren't you?
14. SET. BOUNDARIES.
There's absolutely no telling how much heartache I could've spared myself had I learned to set boundaries earlier than I actually did. You can read articles that I posted on the site like "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members", "The Relationships In Your Life That Are Desperately In Need Of Boundaries", "When It Comes To Relational Disappointments—Do You Have 'Boundaries' Or Are You 'Bitter'?" and "The Art Of Saying 'No' To Things You Don't Want To Do" if you need help getting a grasp on that fact. Not only are setting limits—which is all boundaries are at the end of the day—beneficial, but they are critical if you're serious about keeping your peace of mind and sanity and also flourishing as an individual.
A wise person once said something along the lines of, the only people who have a problem with someone else's boundaries are the folks who had no intention of keeping them in the first place. Hmph. Words to live by, sis. Words to freakin' live by.
15. Create Goals. Reach Them. Celebrate Them.
At the end of the day, all a goal is, is a reached effort. You make a plan, you put in the work to manifest said plan and you don't stop until you accomplish what you set out to do. For each and every time you do that, no matter how big or small that plan may be, you need to celebrate it! Celebrate that you cared enough to create the goal in the first place. Celebrate the fortitude that it took to make it all come together. Celebrate that you didn't quit until you got the job done.
People who celebrate themselves are exhibiting a great amount of self-care because they are exhibiting that they know self-praise is not vanity when it's all about reminding themselves of their own strength and value. All of us have things that we're put on this planet to do. Do them and then find ways to relish in the fact that you are living within your purpose and using your gifts responsibly. If those two things aren't worth celebrating, really sis…what is?
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Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published on June 27, 2020
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
GiphyAbout five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
GiphySociety is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
GiphyThe reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
Giphy“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
GiphyOkay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
GiphyAs we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
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I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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