I realized I had issues, issues about a year ago when I was on my therapist's couch and she asked me if I was thinking about harming myself. I've used charm, wit, and charisma to mask my inner turmoil since middle school, so without skipping a beat, I said, "Even if I was thinking about harming myself, I couldn't because I have to be at work on Monday at 9 a.m." I've been seeing her for the past 10 years, and she's helped me navigate through toxic environments---some I was born into and some I've created myself.
With the help of therapy, I have been able to graduate from college, become financially independent, and thrive in the professional world.(All of these experiences required me to shut myself down emotionally. It's like for the past 10 years I've been living my life on low-battery mode, and when I get burned out, I recharge to about 10% and keep going.
My therapist knows me well enough to know that at the moment, I needed her to laugh with me because if I started crying, I would probably suffocate. That Monday, she placed me on a medical leave of absence from work for six months due to depression, anxiety, and exhaustion. She saved my life.
Around the same time, a friend of mine referred me to an energy healer. I figured, hey, at this point, as long as I am not doing some devil shit, I have nothing to lose. Plus, a guy that was supposed to be my dick appointment/antidepressant ghosted me. (Yes, I know my priorities were all messed up, but where do you think I get this material?)
At the very least, the healer would be able to read the cards and tell me if he was coming back. I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown and didn't have the energy to go hunting for penis.
I put my deposit down, called in, and gave her my full name and birthday. I heard cards shuffling and for 45 minutes she read me for filth, mentioning people, places, and things that only I would know. I was shooketh, yet comforted. During my first reading, I walked away with two important messages: I am a very powerful woman, and my grandma is pissed because I'm not still enough for her to reach me spiritually. Wow.
My grandmother raised me to have a high vibration and a deep respect for the spirit world, and she nurtured my creativity and empathic abilities. She basically was the Mary Poppins to my whole family. When sickle cell anemia took her at 60 years old, my life drastically changed for the worse. Her house was my safe haven from the hostile and high conflict environment I was born into, and where I could be my creative quirky self. She missed my first kiss, my first abusive relationship, my first heartbreak---even a devastating rape I endured.
I'd retreated so far within myself that if you handed me an invisible cloak, I would have kissed your feet like you just handed me $10 million. I hated myself, and I hated life without her here. Period.
So, here I am with this energy healer telling me my grandma is mad at me because I'm too anxious to receive insight and messages from her and to see the universe working in my favor.
By the time I got off that call, my wig was on a 90-degree tilt and I felt overwhelmed by all the messages I received. I then felt a sense of peace wash over me that no prescription or shot of alcohol could give me over the years.
The healer was able to remind me that I have ancestors on the other side guiding me. They aren't sitting up in heaven sipping wine and watching me as if I were on a surveillance camera. They are actually helping me navigate and trying their best to push me to my highest self, working very hard behind the scenes to assist.
I spent so much time aching in agony, feeling like I'll be alone and misunderstood for the rest of my life, only to find out that's simply untrue. There is another side---in this lifetime and the next---and by harming myself I would be robbing myself of the opportunity of experiencing the magic of it.
I wish I could tell you that as soon as I hung up the phone my credit score went up 50 points, my husband appeared out of thin air, and I became a millionaire with abs. Nope. Working with this energy healer made me have to face my shadow head on. Consciously, I have reached a level of depth but now I have to make my life reflect my healing instead of my surface-level comfort zone.
I had to call myself out for my shallow self-care regimen, my surface level version of self-love, the shallow relationships I participated in, the way I worked myself into a depression. I've had to re-evaluate my current position in my own life, have some very hard conversations, and watch towers fall. Without God, my support system, and my energy healer, it would seem like my world was falling apart, but I know better.
My world is being renovated. It is under construction.
The most important thing seeking spiritual guidance from an energy healer helped me with was connecting back to myself and my life's path.
I am a performer who yields high results. It's a gift and a curse because when people are used to you yielding high results, they are often not concerned about your well-being. They often wonder where you get the energy and they just want to consume and utilize it. If you don't recognize your own power, value, and magic in this lifetime, someone else will else will suck you dry and accuse you of liking it. This is why self-care and self-love is so important. Meditation, prayer, nature walks, dream journaling are all the self-care practices that come second nature to me because it is now intentional.
Find your own flow! Right now mine is a tsunami which is often misunderstood because I have to pull back, retreat, and recharge but when I come, it's not to play, it's to flood. The investment that I made into seeking spiritual advice has allowed me to live in a vibration of gratitude that is healing and restorative. The most beautiful souls gravitate toward me because I walk in my power even when stumbling. It is God's gift, and I am just a vessel.
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Feature Gif by Tory Burch
Originally published on January 8, 2020