November 2016, I met who I thought was going to give me everything I needed. I was right in the thick of my post-grad depression, finding myself, figuring out what I wanted out of this life, and how I could make the most out of it. We met via social media (of course) and I remember telling my friend that it just seemed way too good to be true. He was just "too perfect". Well, he was.
It began as any normal relationship, however, that quickly changed as time went on.
He didn't want me to be around any of my male friends. He would get jealous of what I wore or try to check my phone to see who was texting or calling me. But, he made me feel a way, a way that made me look past all the red lights that were constantly being thrown at me. A little over a month into our relationship is when the psychical abuse actually began. He got mad at me for something so dumb, so we argued about it, and then he hit me. I remember being so shocked that someone had the audacity to put their hands on me.
It was the first time, but it was not the last.
For the next six months, we fought. We went back and forth. We'd fight and then he would apologize. There were plenty of times where I thought that I was for sure going to be killed, but I was so terrified of what people would think of me, a girl who thought things like this wouldn't happen to her. I didn't say anything. The only one who knew at that time was one of my best friends and my roommate at the time. Still, all the while, he'd observe my insecurities and use them to his advantage, which pulled me into a deep depression. I lost weight, dealt with suicidal thoughts, and allowed myself to be consumed by this toxic environment.
Every time I said I was done, he would do something to make me think he would change. I was always the strong friend, the one who other people would call when something bad or crazy happened. So, for me, being the girl who's life had completely hit rock bottom, I was beyond embarrassed. Embarrassed of what my family and friends might do or say. Embarrassed that I allowed something to continue for way longer than it should have, because I knew better. I knew deep down that the situation would never change but maybe I was just too scared to actually leave him.
After a few weeks went by of me trying to get the actual courage to leave, I found out that I was pregnant, and then I really felt stuck. I was so depressed, because I knew that having this baby would mean that I was connected to this man for the rest of my life and that was something I did not want to do. Maybe it was God, or just the negative energy I was giving out, but I ended up having a miscarriage. And while of course losing a baby was hard, the sense of relief I got made me realize that THIS was my sign, my chance, my opportunity to let him GO!
Once I finally found the strength to walk away, I still dealt with the aftermath of the remnants from that relationship. It was not easy at all.
Picking up the pieces and trying to find myself again, I found myself at rock bottom, pleading with God to give me a reason to keep going. None of my family knew about the abuse, so I was dealing with it all on my own. Holding that pain in is too much for anyone to deal with by themselves.
I remember sitting on my couch literally talking to Him and asking Him what was my purpose? I was trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, but I just could not. So, everyday I would write and journal my thoughts and feelings. It took real work to acknowledge that I was in such a dark space, and maybe that's what God was waiting for: For me to actually acknowledge that I was in a very dark space and I couldn't come out of that alone.
A few months later, He gave me the idea for Glow Candle Bar. It would become the business that saved my life and changed me. I always had a love for candles, the way they made me feel when I lit one and how the different scents lifted my mood, even when I was at some of my lowest points. I started just making them for fun and I found out that I was actually pretty good at it, so I decided to see if I could make this into an actual business. I wanted the candles to be a reminder of the light I found at the end of the tunnel, and in turn being that same light for someone else who might be going through a certain situation and they can't find hope. I wanted my candles to be the thing that held everyone accountable for their own happiness and journey.
Courtesy of Brianna A.
Once I started sharing my mental health journey, at first, I was so scared. I thought if I revealed this about myself, I would be made to feel like I was a victim and that I would be judged. But the exact opposite happened. Even though in the beginning of that journey, I did not share the parts of my abusive relationship and miscarriage because I didn't want to reveal that part of me, writing this and sharing it all with you now is the biggest breath of fresh air I've had in years. I'm grateful.
Nowadays, people from all walks of life tell me how sharing my truth has inspired them. I was overwhelmed. A few months after launching Glow, I started "Mind Your Business", a mental health event in Charlotte, NC that is catered to black and brown women and men to help bridge the gap on the stigma we have in our community. I realized that creating safe spaces for people who look like me is also a part of my purpose.
The light at the end of the tunnel.Courtesy of Brianna A.
Finding the light at the end of the tunnel from my situation is helping others find their light. I sit here grateful that this made me realize 1) I am not a victim, I am a survivor, 2) I can use my story to help others find their light, 3) I rebuilt my life and became a new person who speaks her truth always.
And lastly, I am not weak, I am stronger than I could ever imagine.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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I remember calling my grandmother, who has since transitioned, and hearing the passion in her voice when she explained how she’d never thought she’d see something like this happen and how much it meant to her. As I reflect, I realize it’s a combination of memories like this that undoubtedly encouraged my will to vote.
However, as an adult, my reasoning behind the practice has developed. It’s no longer just about “the right thing to do.” I feel a responsibility to myself and my future to know the issues, how they impact me, and make a difference for others.
In the times we’re in, there's so much “news” everywhere. It’s hard to distinguish fact from opinion and bias from beliefs. This is why it was such a pleasure speaking with Jara Butler, Chief Impact Officer of Supermajority. Supermajority is an organization focused on making women the most powerful voting bloc in the country. During this authentic and informal conversation, we talked about so much.
I learned about her time working with the Obama campaign and how she masterfully worked in multiple industries, and we shared some of our favorite female rap moments. However, in the snapshot you’ll read, we focused on the issues. Jara walked xoNecole through what’s most affecting women of color in this election and what we can do to be more aware. Whether you’re a politics girlie or like me, just trying to gain more insight, hopefully this convo connects with you.
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xoNecole: Let’s just jump right in. What are some of the most popular issues that you hear Black women discussing related to this election?
Jara Butler: Our sister organization, the Supermajority Education Fund, recently did some research specifically looking at young women in the age group 18 to 35, and young Black women identified their economic well-being as a priority. Right now, we're in a place where a lot of us, especially young Black women, are finding that meeting those basic needs are harder and harder.
Secondly, is Project 2025. I think Black women see it as not just something that could happen, but actively happening. For example, we’ve all been watching the case with the Fearless fund, and how it's been targeted. We know Black women are very entrepreneurial. We can go back to Madam C.J. Walker and others who have opened the door for all of us to achieve. But if those barriers are in place, we're just not going to be able to meet that.
Lastly, Repro is a very big issue. But I think looking at it holistically and not just about abortion is important. Black women are more likely to talk about this from a perspective of our reproductive health care and the lack of access due to medical racism. As a Black woman myself, who's over 40, a lot of the changes that I am making in my life are because I have to do everything I can to put myself in a position, because I know no matter what my economic status is, if I walk into a medical office, there's a good chance I'm gonna face medical discrimination. Breast cancer screenings, colon cancer screening, ovarian cancer screening, cervical cancer screenings - all of those are part of that network of reproductive health.
xoN: Another issue I’d love your insight into is our missing girls. I think it's so unbelievable how much this is swept under the rug. There are so many stories about Black women that are continuing to go missing; I don’t understand how that’s not a bigger conversation. Is this something that can be pursued on the government level and what can we do to bring more attention to this issue?
Jara: We have this list of majority rules on our website, and my favorite one is: that our government represents us. I think that we have to continue to apply pressure to our government to meet our needs. And again, women are the majority of voters. Black women, especially, are the most reliable voting bloc across all groups, and our interests right now are not being met. So yes, there is something that we can do, but I also am a big proponent of us having these conversations.
My great-grandmother was enslaved, my grandmother was born into Jim Crow, and I watched my mother face economic insecurity. I say that because, as a Black community, we have to have an internal conversation to talk about these issues, and we have to do it upfront. I think we have to get into a position of realizing that we do have power, and how we activate that power.
Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater. And finally, we have to get away from depending on one individual to take us there. It's gonna take all of us.
"Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater."
xoN: I agree completely. Now, when we started, you mentioned money. So let’s talk about it. So many of us are starting businesses and getting degrees, and I love to see it. But everyone seems to still be having a lot of the same issues around finances. What are some of the underlying reasons behind this debt that we're dealing with, and how can voting influence these challenges without getting into the individual candidates?
Jara: Hello! Let’s talk about the money! Black women have been told that if we want to move ahead, we have to have that master's degree. We have to be twice as good. So we met that measure, right? But in order to do that, we have to pay for it. Up until about the 1970s college was absolutely affordable. You could work one job and pay for college with some money left over. That has changed.
Realistically, student loans are a barrier. They are a barrier to access housing. They impact our credit, and really and truthfully, depending on how much your loans are, they could affect you paying rent. It basically creates a cycle of debt. And I have real problems with people who say, get a degree in something that's going to make money. It’s about your skills, and if you have the skills, you should be able to earn a living. That covers that.
But the fact is that student loan debt continues to increase, and there have been attempts, more than once, to try to relieve some of that pressure. The reality is that this is a squeeze. It is a conundrum, and we see efforts by the current White House administration to try to alleviate those things, even when they are stopped.
But truly, Congress needs to step in and support this, but I would take it a step further. We should be considering and looking at what it would look like if we had free community colleges. Because what we have now is two generations of borrowers, because older millennials’ children are beginning to age. Black women have the highest degree of second-degree secondary education, but we carry like 1.7 trillion in debt or something like that. I can't remember the exact number, but basically, the majority of the student loan debt is ours.
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xoN: Speaking of college, obviously there’s a lot of discussion around affirmative action in the schools and the undergoing changes. How important is it to consider this topic, and are there any new laws or policies being proposed around this that we should be aware of?
Jara: Oh my goodness, affirmative action is one of the things that we saw that our sister site, the Supermajority Education Fund, found last year as a number two issue for young women. I actually hypothesized that it was a real thing, and it was. And the reason for that is that affirmative action as a whole has been something that benefited white women more than any other group.
However, what is happening is that we’re using the word DEI in a way that is derogatory. I’ve heard people refer to it as: “didn't even earn it.” And as a Black woman who attended an amazing school, I remember being in class and having someone make that comment, knowing my grades were higher than theirs.
The fact of the matter is that we would not need these policies if we lived in an equal and equitable society. It doesn't do us any harm for us to face the facts that this country was built off the backs of enslaved people and the blood of indigenous people, and off the sweat and the tears of immigrants. But because we are unwilling to face that, we now are demonizing programs that are actually meant to create some symbol of balance.
xoN: Finally, I’ll close with this, what can we do to provide information to young people, and how do we combat all of the less than researched info?
Jara: One thing I encourage is to look at the source. At Supermajority, our social channels are information-based. We strive to provide up-to-date accurate information that is digestible to all. Media literacy is something I believe in, and unfortunately, it is something that we have a responsibility to continue to share with the community at large. So much of our world is centered on immediate info, a lie spreads faster than the truth.
We just saw that with the Olympic women's boxers, and we have to ask ourselves often: is this information accurate? Who is telling the story? Most importantly, how am I an original contributor? Not everything said needs to be shared, and not every thought needs to be public.
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