

How I Reinvented Myself After An Abusive Relationship
November 2016, I met who I thought was going to give me everything I needed. I was right in the thick of my post-grad depression, finding myself, figuring out what I wanted out of this life, and how I could make the most out of it. We met via social media (of course) and I remember telling my friend that it just seemed way too good to be true. He was just "too perfect". Well, he was.
It began as any normal relationship, however, that quickly changed as time went on.
He didn't want me to be around any of my male friends. He would get jealous of what I wore or try to check my phone to see who was texting or calling me. But, he made me feel a way, a way that made me look past all the red lights that were constantly being thrown at me. A little over a month into our relationship is when the psychical abuse actually began. He got mad at me for something so dumb, so we argued about it, and then he hit me. I remember being so shocked that someone had the audacity to put their hands on me.
It was the first time, but it was not the last.
For the next six months, we fought. We went back and forth. We'd fight and then he would apologize. There were plenty of times where I thought that I was for sure going to be killed, but I was so terrified of what people would think of me, a girl who thought things like this wouldn't happen to her. I didn't say anything. The only one who knew at that time was one of my best friends and my roommate at the time. Still, all the while, he'd observe my insecurities and use them to his advantage, which pulled me into a deep depression. I lost weight, dealt with suicidal thoughts, and allowed myself to be consumed by this toxic environment.
Every time I said I was done, he would do something to make me think he would change. I was always the strong friend, the one who other people would call when something bad or crazy happened. So, for me, being the girl who's life had completely hit rock bottom, I was beyond embarrassed. Embarrassed of what my family and friends might do or say. Embarrassed that I allowed something to continue for way longer than it should have, because I knew better. I knew deep down that the situation would never change but maybe I was just too scared to actually leave him.
After a few weeks went by of me trying to get the actual courage to leave, I found out that I was pregnant, and then I really felt stuck. I was so depressed, because I knew that having this baby would mean that I was connected to this man for the rest of my life and that was something I did not want to do. Maybe it was God, or just the negative energy I was giving out, but I ended up having a miscarriage. And while of course losing a baby was hard, the sense of relief I got made me realize that THIS was my sign, my chance, my opportunity to let him GO!
Once I finally found the strength to walk away, I still dealt with the aftermath of the remnants from that relationship. It was not easy at all.
Picking up the pieces and trying to find myself again, I found myself at rock bottom, pleading with God to give me a reason to keep going. None of my family knew about the abuse, so I was dealing with it all on my own. Holding that pain in is too much for anyone to deal with by themselves.
I remember sitting on my couch literally talking to Him and asking Him what was my purpose? I was trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, but I just could not. So, everyday I would write and journal my thoughts and feelings. It took real work to acknowledge that I was in such a dark space, and maybe that's what God was waiting for: For me to actually acknowledge that I was in a very dark space and I couldn't come out of that alone.
A few months later, He gave me the idea for Glow Candle Bar. It would become the business that saved my life and changed me. I always had a love for candles, the way they made me feel when I lit one and how the different scents lifted my mood, even when I was at some of my lowest points. I started just making them for fun and I found out that I was actually pretty good at it, so I decided to see if I could make this into an actual business. I wanted the candles to be a reminder of the light I found at the end of the tunnel, and in turn being that same light for someone else who might be going through a certain situation and they can't find hope. I wanted my candles to be the thing that held everyone accountable for their own happiness and journey.
Courtesy of Brianna A.
Once I started sharing my mental health journey, at first, I was so scared. I thought if I revealed this about myself, I would be made to feel like I was a victim and that I would be judged. But the exact opposite happened. Even though in the beginning of that journey, I did not share the parts of my abusive relationship and miscarriage because I didn't want to reveal that part of me, writing this and sharing it all with you now is the biggest breath of fresh air I've had in years. I'm grateful.
Nowadays, people from all walks of life tell me how sharing my truth has inspired them. I was overwhelmed. A few months after launching Glow, I started "Mind Your Business", a mental health event in Charlotte, NC that is catered to black and brown women and men to help bridge the gap on the stigma we have in our community. I realized that creating safe spaces for people who look like me is also a part of my purpose.
The light at the end of the tunnel.Courtesy of Brianna A.
Finding the light at the end of the tunnel from my situation is helping others find their light. I sit here grateful that this made me realize 1) I am not a victim, I am a survivor, 2) I can use my story to help others find their light, 3) I rebuilt my life and became a new person who speaks her truth always.
And lastly, I am not weak, I am stronger than I could ever imagine.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Black women are not a monolith. We all are deserving of healing and wholeness despite what we've been through, how much money we have in the bank, or what we look like. Most importantly, we are enough—even when we are not working, earning, or serving.
Welcome to Black Girl Whole, your space to find the wellness routine that aligns with you! This brand-new marketplace by xoNecole is a safe space for Black women to activate their healing, find the inspiration to rest, and receive reassurance that we are one small act away from finding our happiness.
Want to discover where you are on your wellness journey? You don't have to look far. In partnership with European Wax Center, we're bringing you a customized wellness quiz to help you up your wellness game. Answer our short series of questions to figure out which type of wellness lover you are, what you need to bring more balance into your life, and then go deeper by shopping products geared towards clearing your mind, healing your body, and soothing your spirit.
Ready to get whole? Take our quiz now!
From Monogamy To Polyamory: 'I'm In An Asexual Poly Marriage With My Husband Of 7 Years'
Have you ever wondered what it's like to be asexual and in an open marriage? Relationship Coach Mikki Bey shared her first-hand experience with us as well as answered some of our burning questions.
Like a lot of people, Mikki met her now husband, Raheem Ali, online. As soon as they met, they instantly fell in love and got engaged on their first date. Just 90 days after they met, the couple tied the knot and have now been married for seven years. Raheem and Mikki aren’t your typical married couple, and despite being married for almost a decade, their marriage is anything but traditional. Mikki and Raheem have what she calls an "asexual polyamorous marriage."
Defining Her Sexuality
It wasn't until last summer that Mikki found the language to define her sexuality. "I didn't have the language for it until last summer," she explained to xoNecole. "Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing.”
Mikki always thought she was broken because she had no interest in sex. Mikki noticed after her friends came to visit and started discussing their sexual fantasies that she realized something was different about her. “At that point, I knew something was definitely different about me since I do not have sexual fantasies at all. It was truly news to me that people are at work thinking about sex! That was not my experience.” This led to Mikki researching asexuality, which she soon realized fit her to a T. “It felt like breathing new air when I was able to call it by name," said Mikki.
"Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing it."
Asexuality refers to people who experience little or no sexual attraction, experience attraction without acting on it sexually, or experience sexual attraction differently based on other factors. Like most things, asexuality falls on a spectrum and encompasses many other identities. It's important to remember, however, that attraction and action are not always synonymous: some asexuals may reject the idea of sexual contact, but others may be sex-neutral and engage in sexual activity.
It's possible that some asexuals will have sex with someone else despite not having a libido or masturbating, but others will have sex with a partner because it brings a sense of connection.
From a Traditional Marriage to Kitchen Table Polyamory
Although Mikki never really had a high sex drive, it wasn’t until after the birth of her son, that she noticed her sex drive took a real nosedive. “I never had a high sex drive, but about a year after my son was born, I realized I had zero desire. My husband has a high sex drive, and I knew that it would not be sustainable to not have sex in our marriage at that time.”
She was determined to find an alternative to divorce and stumbled upon a polyamory conversation on Clubhouse. Upon doing her own research, she brought up the idea to their husband, who was receptive. “It’s so interesting to me that people weigh sex so heavily in relationships when even if you are having a ton of sex, it’s still a very small percentage of the relationship activity," Mikki shared.
They chose polyamory because Mikki still wanted to be married, but she also wanted to make sure that Raheem was getting his individual needs and desires met, even if that meant meeting them with someone else. “I think that we have been programmed to think that our spouses need to be our 'everything.' We do not operate like that. There is no one way that fits all when it comes to relationships, despite what society may try to tell you. Their path to doing this thing called life together may be different from yours, but they found what works for them. We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us,” Mikki explained.
"We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us. We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sex partners to lifetime partners if it should go there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it."
She continued, “We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sexual partners to lifetime partners if it should get there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it. Our dynamic is parallel with kitchen table poly aspirations.”
Kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a polyamorous relationship in which all participants are on friendly terms enough to share a meal at the kitchen table. Basically, it means you have some form of relationship with your partner’s other partner, whether as a group or individually. A lot of times, KTP relationships are highly personal and rooted in mutual respect, communication, and friendship.
Intimacy in an Asexual Polyamorous Marriage
Mikki says she and her husband, Raheem, still share intimate moments despite being in a polyamorous marriage. “Our intimacy is emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical, although non-sexual. We are intentional about date nights weekly, surprising and delighting each other daily, and most of all, we communicate our needs regularly. In my opinion, our intimacy is top-tier! I give my husband full-body massages, mani-pedis and make sure I am giving him small physical touches/kisses throughout the day. He is also very intentional about showing me his love and affection.”
Raheem and Mikki now use their lives as examples for others. On their website, thepolycouplenextdoor.com, they coach people interested in learning how to be consensually non-monogamous. “We are both relationship coaches. I specialized in emotional regulation, and Raheem specializes in communication and conflict resolution. The same tools we use in our marriage help our clients succeed in polyamory."
Mikki advises people who may be asexual or seeking non-monogamy to communicate their needs openly and to consider seeking sex therapy or intimacy coaching. Building a strong relationship with a non-sexual partner requires both empathy and compassion.
For more of Mikki, follow her on Instagram @getmikkibey. Follow the couple's platform on Instagram @thepolycouplenextdoor.
Featured image by skynesher/Getty Images