7 Solid Reasons To Strongly Consider Eloping
Ever since I was a toddler, I've been a Nashville girl. That's why it brought a smile to my face when I recently read the headline "Couples from Around the World Visit Middle Tennessee to Elope." Cool. Very cool.
Since I'm a marriage life coach, I oftentimes get asked what I think about eloping. Honestly, if I were to ever jump a broom, I'd probably be the rent-a-vacation-home-and-have-a-really-small-wedding-there kind of gal. But when it comes to big weddings vs. eloping, let me just say that I personally believe eloping sometimes gets a bad rap; specially since a lot of people think that it's some sort of consolation prize rather than a well-thought-out plan.
You might be shocked about how much of the hype surrounding throwing a big wedding is rooted in debt and superstition. The diamond engagement ring? It came out of DeBeers going broke and then convincing us that it's a symbol of love in order to keep their doors open. Big white wedding dresses? In the Bible, women wore colorful attire; it's actually Queen Victoria back in the 1800s who started the white dress, long veil, and ridiculous huge wedding cake thing. Bridesmaids all looking alike? Supposedly, that's to confuse evil spirits (so is being carried over the threshold).
So yeah, whenever I hear that a couple is taking the "No thanks, we'll pass" approach to the idea of having a huge ceremony and reception (or even not wanting folks present), I don't look at eloping as being cheap or not thinking things through. For (at least) the following seven reasons, I find it to be quite smart, financially-savvy, and a wise approach to marriage overall.
7 Reasons To Consider Eloping
1.Eloping Is MUCH Cheaper
The average wedding right now? It runs somewhere around $33,340. I promise you, if there's one thing I still can't manage to figure out is how a couple comes up with that kind of cash when monthly bills have the potential to take us all out sometimes.
Anyway, the cost to elope? If you went the City Hall route, based on where you live, you're looking to spend no more than about a hundred bucks. If you decided to have a super intimate affair in your home or a friend's house, you could pull that off for $1,000-3,000 easily.
Just think about the kind of down payment you could put on your starter home or the amount of student loan debt you could pay off if you went this route. Isn't the savings alone just a little bit tempting?
2.It Leaves Room for All Sorts of Other Possibilities
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No one said that just because you're not going the traditional route that you're forced to see the Justice of the Peace. The true definition of elope is "to run off secretly to be married," so what immediately comes to my mind is having a destination wedding. The two of you can go to Hawaii or you and a few of your closest friends can head off to a resort in Colorado (there are some really nice ones during the fall and winter seasons).
Or, if it's time for you or your beloved to get a new vehicle or you want to start a company together, the thousands that would've went to one day can now go to something that will last even longer.
3.You Can Have the Honeymoon of Your Dreams
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Here's something else that's pretty interesting. There are studies that indicate that big wedding marriages actually increase a couple's odds of ending in divorce. Meanwhile, going on a honeymoon improves a couple's chances of staying together.
I get that too. While weddings are (or at least should be) a public declaration of two people's decision to commit their lives to one another as their loved ones celebrate that fact along with them, the honeymoon is all about just the two of them. It's about building intimacy and making quality time a top priority.
Keeping all of this in mind, did you know that only 1 in 4 married couples say they had the honeymoon of their dreams? If you elope, you don't have to be this kind of statistic. The Bahamas, Italy, Greece, Belize—these are just some of the fantasy spots you can actually afford to visit because you've got more money in your pocket (Google "affordable dream honeymoons" for more info on how).
4.It’s Virtually Stress-Less
Another article that I checked out on this topic is "Stressed-Out Americans Embrace Elopement." Although it's several years old, since eloping is actually a current wedding trend, it still holds relevance.
A lot of marriage therapists and couple counselors believe that if there are two things that can really test an engaged couple, it's a road trip and planning their wedding. On the wedding planning tip, it makes sense why they would say that. If you want to really see how someone handles money, pressure, family, and expectations, watch them in the months leading up to their nuptials.
Why choose to be stressed out if it can be avoided? Marriage is going to come with enough challenges without volunteering to put some on your plate. If you want to enter into your union cool, calm, and collected, this is another reason why eloping may be the best thing to do.
5.You Don’t Have to Worry About Naysayers
Now, I'll be the first person to say that if the 10 people closest to you are looking at you like you are absolutely crazy for getting married, it would behoove you to ask them why. Like I said in another article, until you're officially a man's wife, you're not. This means that until you say, "I do," YOU are your top priority. You need to make decisions that are best for YOU alone. If the ones who truly care about you see red flags, pause and look into them.
But then there are just haters. Folks who are being critical, just because that's how they are. That said, what you don't have to do (ever) is get someone's permission to get married. Blessings are nice, but you are grown and so is your beloved. With all of the energy that you might be tempted to spend while trying to get everyone on board with your decision, the two of you could already be married and done with it—and by "it," I mean the (potential) drama.
6.It Frees Up Romantic Space
Some of y'all remember when Beyonce played the love interest in Case's music video "Happily Ever After" (that song is still the jam!). That marriage proposal was dope! I was the bridesmaid in a wedding where the husband did something very similar for his own bride, including having a car pick her up from work with her outfit awaiting her.
Why am I bringing this up? I can't tell you how many wives I've talked to who have hindsight regrets as they've run down the list of concessions they ended up making when it came to their wedding, all because something wasn't in the budget or they felt pressured to please—and by that, I mean appease—a picky or dissatisfied family member. I also can't tell you the amount of husbands who've said they wish they could've done some extra-special things for their bride but they didn't feel like their voice was being heard during the wedding planning process.
When two people elope, since it's just them, not only does it keep the background noise down to a minimum, it frees up cash to be all kinds of romantic and extravagant. With no budget worries or regrets.
7.It’s Just About You and Yours
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Why is this article bringing all sorts of slow jams to my mind? Somebody please cue in "Just Me and You" by Tony Toni Tone because out of all of the reasons why I am Team Elope, this is probably the biggest one. I say that because, honestly, probably one of my favorite things about eloping is it puts the focus right where it's supposed to be—on two people who are in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together. No more, no less.
They don't need an audience. They're not caught up in a lot of extras. So long as they've got together, it's all good. And you know what? It really is.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images