As little people – as children – we tend to grow up idolizing our parents. And, for better or worse, we tend to emulate them in so many ways. But the truth is, we cannot be sure which point of view is steeped in our parents' belief system and those that are our own until we do some living. Soul searching, if you will. Arguably, many children (especially teens) have an innate curiosity about the world and may begin to slowly realize they’re not interested in sharing their parents’ P.O.V. on topics such as … let’s say…parenting. But I’m not entirely sure you can fully self-actualize until you’re an adult.
This is the developmental stage where you’re allotted autonomy that prior generations (sans conscious parenting) of children haven’t had access to. According to Allison Sharp, this is a spiritual process known as “decentering” our parents–particularly urging women to decenter their mothers. You’ve probably never heard this language, and that’s because it’s unique to Sharp’s work. And, with its impending popularity, she recently sought out a trademark to ensure she is properly credited for the phrase.
Now, before you get ready to tussle under the assumption that this is a diss track to all the healthy, happy mother-daughter duos. This is not that! In fact, decentering our mothers is a process that should happen regardless of the dynamic of that relationship, according to Sharp. And if we’re being completely transparent, I can attest to the fact that our mothers are our mothers no matter how much of a headcase they also are – and with that comes a desire for approval.
So now imagine you actually come from a mother who is loving and not at all narcissistic – frankly, I’d imagine that I’d value her opinion all the more because I’d idolize her even more.
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Still, this work may feel extremely challenging if you happen to come from a toxic upbringing. Sharp explains, “It is challenging for a woman coming from a narcissistic [and/or] toxic mother because you were told every day to go against your own spirit, and if you follow your spirit, you must be punished. The soul is seen as a liability to a mother who wishes to dismantle you.”
With all of this in mind, it sorta does make sense that the evolution to centering self begins with decentering our mothers rather than men or anyone else. If one is able to “identity outside of the woman [she] shared a body with, drank milk from and came out of, what makes you [men] think [she] can’t find [an] identity outside of you? There is a beautiful confidence that is born from that realization.”
The unfortunate reality is that by seeking her approval, you’re not actually living authentically. Because how could you live in your truth if you value her opinions above all else?
Sharp goes on to paint the picture of how we even come to center our mothers, referencing Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ book, Women Who Run with Wolves.
“It talks about how ‘the Ambivalent mother’ is taunted for having a daughter who is different, and because she is divided emotionally, she eventually gives in and bends her desires to please the village instead of aligning with her daughter. This is oftentimes a pattern within motherhood.” She goes on to add, “For us daughters, we are taught to center our mothers and to center the needs of the village while neglecting ourselves. We begin to grow with a distorted self-image, confidence, and self-esteem because we spent our early womanhood building and tending to others rather than ourselves.”
"For us daughters, we are taught to center our mothers and to center the needs of the village while neglecting ourselves."
1. Reflect on Your Beliefs
Take the time to reflect on your beliefs and opinions. Consider which ones align with your authentic self and which ones may have been inherited from your parents. This self-reflection is crucial in understanding your true values.
2. Establish Boundaries
It's essential to set boundaries to ensure that your decisions and choices are guided by your own needs and desires rather than the expectations or desires of your mother. Clearly define what is acceptable and what is not in terms of influence and interference.
3. Seek Independence
Embrace your autonomy as an adult. Make decisions independently, and don't let the fear of disapproval dictate your choices. Seeking independence allows you to live life on your terms, fostering personal growth and self-discovery.
4. Communicate Openly
Engage in open and honest communication with your mother. Express your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, even if they differ from hers. Healthy communication is key to building understanding and breaking free from the pattern of centering your mother.
5. Forgive and Let Go
Holding onto resentment or an idealized image of your mother can hinder your journey to authenticity. Forgive past misunderstandings, acknowledge imperfections, and let go of unrealistic expectations. This process is liberating and allows you to reclaim your own narrative.
6. Focus on Self-Care
Prioritize self-care and self-love. Redirect the energy you might have spent seeking approval toward nurturing your well-being. This includes physical, emotional, and mental self-care practices that contribute to your overall happiness and fulfillment.
7. Build a Support System
Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, mentors, or like-minded individuals who encourage your individuality. Having a strong support system outside of the mother-daughter relationship provides additional perspectives and validation.
8. Embrace Your Individuality
Celebrate your uniqueness and embrace your individuality. Understand that it is okay to have different beliefs, dreams, and goals from your mother. Embracing your own path allows you to lead a more fulfilling and authentic life.
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Though doing the work on your own is possible, if you’re anything like me, you may want a therapist to help the process along. Frankly, I imagine this is actually the perfect nontraumatic scenario to reach out to a therapist. In fact, I spoke with Nicole Lewis, LCSW, a Mental Health Therapist and Coach for Black women, and she was able to provide insight on what therapy surrounding this topic may look like.
Lewis says, “I approach the concept of ‘decentering’ when a client tells me they're ready to work on that. Some clients are not aware that their relationships with their mothers could be causing them so much distress. Once they acknowledge that this is an issue that they want to work on, we explore the roles that family members played in their lives. We especially focus on the mother-child relationship and how that dynamic has had an impact on them.”
Though each therapist is different, Lewis shares some of the approaches she might take if any one of us were sitting on her couch or telehealth session.
“A few therapeutic approaches that I use to help support individuals through the process of decentering include Family Systems Therapy to understand the dynamics and interactions within the family. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) helps process emotions, memories, and beliefs related to the mother-child relationship. I also connect clients to other communities or support groups to build their support systems, as it is difficult to work through this alone.”
What happens if there’s a bump in the road? Well, “there are many ways to address potential challenges or resistance that clients might face in therapy, including building a rapport with the client so they can feel safe while discussing their thoughts, normalizing and validating their feelings, identifying core beliefs that produce internal conflicts about the mother-child relationship, collaborating with the client on the goals they want to reach when decentering their mother, and providing plenty of psychoeducation on codependency, attachment, estrangement, and fear of abandonment.”
Whatever you take away from this, please keep in mind that decentering your mother is not about severing ties or disrespecting her. It's a transformative journey towards reclaiming your own identity, making choices that resonate with your true self, and living authentically. And, the consequence of never knowing you outside of her – of never removing her from “the pedestal,” Sharp continues, “you will go your whole life searching for answers outside of you that only lie within you.”
But more than anything, I encourage everyone in the process of or beginning the process to give yourself space and grace to feel all the things that may come with that – especially those of us who come from toxic or narcissistic mothers. Remember that every time you’ve attempted to “follow your spirit,” you were likely punished.
She adds, and I think this piece is really important in the sentiment of being gracious with yourself, “A woman who is resurrecting is unlearning all the things that once rang as truth to her. That kind of work is incredibly hard and heartbreaking.”
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Issa Rae Launches New Viarae Prosecco Rosé: ‘It’s The Perfect Next Step’
Issa Rae’s wins are rooted in showing up as her authentic self.
Outside of Hollywood, the actress, writer, producer, and entrepreneur’s organic approach to pursuing business ideas is exemplified in her wine and spirits venture. In October 2023, Rae’s signature go-to drink Prosecco transformed into her founding her own brand. Launched with GALLO, Viarae Prosecco put a new spin on the classic sparkling white wine and debuted as a bubbly that can be sipped on everyday occasions.
Prior to Viarae Prosecco flying off store shelves and earning a 2024 Wine Star Award nomination for Innovator of the Year, Rae told Wine Enthusiast she would be interested in expansion “if people f*ck with” her brand. Two days short of a year since Viarae Prosecco launched, the day has officially come.
Courtesy
On Oct. 14, Rae and GALLO announced the launch of Viarae Prosecco Rosé. Compared to the original Viarae Prosecco, which is made from 100% Glera — also known as the Italian grape used to craft Prosecco — the new addition to the line is 88% Glera and 12% Pinot Noir.
"I am so excited to share the new Viarae Prosecco Rosé with everyone," Rae expressed in a statement shared with xoNecole. "This wine brings together the crisp, refreshing taste of Prosecco with vibrant notes of raspberry, strawberry, and peach, making it the perfect addition to any celebration. Viarae Prosecco Rosé adds that perfect sparkle to every moment."
Courtesy
When Rae was introduced to prosecco by Melina Matsoukas, filmmaker and director-producer for Insecure, it was on a sushi date. Similar to Viarae Prosecco, Viarae Prosecco Rosé can be paired with Asian dishes as well as serve as an overall aperitif for brunch, lunch, dinner, and dessert.
Within the span of five months, Viarae Prosecco transitioned from only being sold in select markets to selling in retail stores across the U.S. Along with retail expansion, the spotlight has been on Rae’s brand from having a featured activation at Broccoli City Festival 2024 in Washington, D.C. to selling out Brooklyn Paramount with special guests Law Roach, Lil Rel Howery, and Erika Alexander.
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With the endless support that’s been poured into Viarae Prosecco, Rae says the timing of expanding the company was opportune.
"The success of Viarae Prosecco has been incredible, and I’m so proud of how it’s resonated with everyone,” she shared, per a press release. “Now, I’m beyond excited to expand the Viarae line with the introduction of Viarae Prosecco Rosé. It’s the perfect next step, bringing even more vibrant, celebratory energy to the table. I can’t wait for everyone to experience this new addition."
Viarae Prosecco Rosé is available at select markets and on-premise establishments nationwide.
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