Whether you are an expectant mother or a woman who plans to have children in the future, at some point one of the most important decisions you will make is whether or not you will breastfeed your child.
Breastfeeding is fundamental and can contribute to the quality of life and connection between a mother and her child. It's one of the reasons why Ashley Wright's journey through life and motherhood hits home for women who happen upon her site and become avid readers -- because it is a journey that is easily relatable from one woman to the next.
Ashley Wright is the mother and force behind Ms. Wright’s Way, a website featuring a timeline of her life and moments of others; a space filled with experiences, lessons, teachings, and laughter. She calls it a resource for all.
After a video of her engaging in pole dancing with her toddler daughter nearly went viral, Ms. Wright has continued to vocalize her thoughts on the importance of breastfeeding and self-actualization. During mass reports of indecency and violating protocol on social media, Wright has remained an advocate for natural feeding and has advanced forward in shedding light on the subject.
“Breastfeeding is deeper than just nutrition,” she says. “We continue to post, to build. Facebook taking me down for posts that obviously didn’t violate community guidelines doesn’t stop us from progression and ascension. It doesn’t stop us from sharing truth.”
And Wright is persistent in getting that message out, even if it means having to breastfeed a sleepy toddler during a speech at a convention.
"And when it comes to breastfeeding on stage, well, many people talk the talk, yet do not walk the walk. Yes, we are told often, "breast is best." They can read journal after journal, one pamphlet after another with an abundance of written text, however, people are not seeing it. They are not seeing how to incorporate this new stage of life into their current routine, without losing themselves. I’d like to think of Ms. Wrights Way as a resource of "'Yes, we can! Watch me!'"
Through national speaking engagements and public appearances, Ashley Wright has gained a massive following of over 135,000 followers on her Instagram account, mostly fellow mommies who aren’t afraid to pop their bosom’s out publicly. Through that alone, the need to stop the message–the truth–hasn’t ceased. In her interview with xoNecole, Wright delves into her personal need to share such an intimate moment with her daughter on social media, breastfeeding during a convention as the speaker, and of course, pole dancing and why she won’t slow down anytime soon.
Why did you decide to breastfeed your daughter, and more so, publicize your journey as a breastfeeding mommy?
I always knew that I wanted to breastfeed as a mother. I was made aware that this was something you do. Prior to having my own child, I had yet to see the act take place, yet I remember conversations about mothers trying to breastfeed or having breastfed for a certain amount of time. Being a fairly healthy consumer of foods, aware of nutrition, I knew this was what was necessary for my child.
When I decided to share my journey, breastfeeding was something that was a part of it; an everyday act. I didn’t see it as anything to hide and initially, I wasn’t aware that public breastfeeding was considered indecent. To a pole dancer, with videos dropping it like it’s hot to the floor in a split and everyone cheering, the notion that breastfeeding is indecent, was essentially a joke to me.
The backlash on social media resulted in your Facebook account being blocked and shut down. Every time, you went back and shared additional footage of you feeding your daughter. Why were you adamant on getting this message of breastfeeding out?
I was adamant because I saw us as women suffering. I saw our babies suffering. I saw our whole family suffering. This was something that I can identify and relate to because I once was a person who suffered; sat in the suffering and didn’t even know I was suffering.
[Tweet "I once was a person who suffered; sat in the suffering and didn't know I was suffering"]
We as women–and I state "we" as I speak with the village and a multitude of other women who support Ms. Wrights Way–are aware that when you are not breastfeeding, nor supplying breast milk to a child, it is not ONLY the child that is being slighted. The mother, too, is missing what is so essential to her health as well.
It is no secret that postpartum depression is high here in the States. Even worse, the Black infant mortality rate is just downright SCARY. Part of balancing out the chemical makeup, the hormones in the woman’s body after birth is through breastfeeding. When a woman is breastfeeding, she is releasing oxytocin–the feel-good hormone. Breastfeeding just doesn’t keep her physically healthy, as it contracts the uterus back in place along with reducing risks of major illnesses, it supports her mental and emotional health as well. It is a sacred act that is vital in establishing a healthy foundation for child and continued health for mother; for thriving and for survival.
Ms. Wright's Way isn’t solely about breastfeeding, which is why so many women, along with myself, fought to keep it up and running. My overall message is holistic living, self-care, and love. I have stated many times before if you unapologetically love yourself, you no longer compromise the quality of care for your loved ones and those around you.
[Tweet "If you unapologetically love yourself, you no longer compromise the quality of care for your loved ones and those around you."]
Have you ever received negative comments publicly in the street about feeding your daughter? How do you handle the attention?
Not to date. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t hesitate to say, “You gon learn today.”
Let's talk about the importance of Black Breastfeeding Week that passed (August 25-August 31). There's been comments that the need for the word "black" to be there is unnecessary. What are your thoughts on that?
The comments that Black Breastfeeding Week, emphasis on the Black, is unnecessary doesn’t strike a chord with me, nor does it surprise me, which is why I do not make statements debating, nor addressing them. I am completely aware of white privilege and racism as a system, so I am not at all urged to seek approval from many of my white brother and sisters who do not agree or become uncomfortable with BBW.
During this week, they (meaning my white brothers and sisters) can either support or state what they must. The focus is reaching those who closely resemble me. As long as my melanin brothers and sisters feel supported and encouraged to breastfeed, increasing the rates from what we have now, then I am happy. That is the focus and concern for that week; Not, who doesn’t get it.
You also received some national coverage of you pole dancing in your home with your daughter watching close by, and even picked her up at one point and continued on. What do you want your daughter to know about that moment given the negative stereotypes surrounding pole dancing?
I want her to know mommy loves playing with her and dancing with her, and will always make a conscious effort to be present with her, with us. I would like her to see that we are not defined by other’s opinions, nor should we feel shame from others, including shaming ourselves. I want her to see ME. All of me and know that I feel no reason to hide myself from her.
It’s just dancing. And it was you wanting to dance with your mother, with the pole or without it. That’s the beauty in being a woman; the great multi-taskers that we are.
What I love is that you continue to defy these norms with public breastfeeding and pole dancing. What do these things do for you, personally? Is there a sense of fulfillment that comes from partaking in these things behind closed doors or publicly?
Public breastfeeding is attending to my child and I, while we are out and about. Pole dancing is a passion of mine, a way to express myself through movement with grace and strength. When I am dancing, I feel understood and allow that movement to resonate with whomever, however.
Whether done at home or publicly (social media included), it is a projection of my freedom. And it most certainly is me feeling myself due to all the feel-good hormones that are being produced during these acts.
I willingly share my life, in complete transparency and vulnerability to be light for all those who seek it, who need it. All are welcome to be lost in this love.
What will you tell your daughter about sharing those intimate moments with her publicly?
Intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean private and it is certainly subjective, depending on how one perceives/defines it, such as hugging, kissing etc. Breastfeeding my child is not a private act, nor is it an indecent one, yet I understand others may perceive it that way.
[Tweet "Breastfeeding my child is not a private act, nor is it an indecent one."]
In sharing our moments, I pray she will see and understand us being chosen to help guide and heal, sharing the power we possess to be of encouragement and strength to the people, to our village. An aid in a much-needed shift during our current times of self-hatred, high racial tension, misogyny, and artificial living. I pray she understands under my guidance, the importance of support, growth, and true connection through vulnerability and transparency, yet still respecting her boundaries. For one cannot love without being transparent and true with self.
Ultimately, I pray she continues to know mommy loves her and is doing the best she can with what she knows, at any given time. The sharing of our moments is a projection of that–to share love, life, and freedom for all.
As a parent and an avid user of social media, we're advancing as a society that's increasingly dependent on technology. But because our children will be raised in a world entirely different from ours, the need to be more protective than ever is real. By you documenting these moments of you connecting with your daughter, what do you think you're showing her about our bodies on the Internet?
I am showing her our bodies are amazing and we can do whatever the hell we want with it. It is yours to own, no one else. Honor it!
Your speech at the WIC Conference was focused on help and support systems, and you spoke about your own experience of "finding comfort in a WIC office." There's this longstanding stereotype of WIC recipients being unemployed women that are depending on the government. What was your experience like and what are some things they spoke to you about in regards to being a first-time breastfeeder?
My experiences with WIC as a participant, as well as, a partner in organizing awareness events, have been very pleasant. They have been extremely instrumental in building my knowledge and awareness on what breastfeeding is and looks like amongst our communities nationwide.
When I was a participant of WIC, they were adamant about breastfeeding and really excited that I wanted to breastfeed. The Breastfeeding Peer Counselor assigned to me, had nursed her children up to age two, so she was very supportive. It was her duty to inform me of what to look for in diapers, invite me out to peer groups to discuss, teach me nursing cues of when my baby wants me, and to always nurse on demand. She also informed me of proper nutrition and healthy foods.
What many are unaware of is, that WIC also provides food vouchers for many people who do work and have jobs. Yes, there are income requirements, yet, with the current state of unemployment and the high cost of living, I do not waiver on the message of reaching out for support. The last thing a person should have to worry about is food, and allowing shame and embarrassment to prevent them from seeking out available resources.
Connect with Ashley Wright on social media at @mswrightsway and tune into her insightful blog, Ms. Wright's Way, here.
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Now if you’re married (or planning on getting married) and you’re wondering how often you “should” be sleeping with your partner (check out “Married Folks: Ever Wonder If Your Sex Life Is 'Normal'?”), research says that (at least) once a week (or four times a month because…you know…life) falls into the category of being a “healthy marriage.” Why? Because at least this often shows that you are prioritizing intimacy, quality time, and even pleasure with (and for) your partner.
So, you know what that means, right? If it’s less than this, it could be a telling sign that you’re doing quite the opposite — and y’all, when sex is suffering in a long-term relationship, it’s only a matter of time before other areas do as well…because if there is no intimacy, quality time or pleasure transpiring, does that sound like a happy place for spouses to you?
And although (and oddly), a sexless marriage isn’t blatantly listed as being a formal cause for why couples divorce, the reality is that many folks will end their marriage under the grounds of “irreconcilable differences” when really, what they are saying, is the intimacy is lacking — and they’ve had enough. Case in point: I once read an article that said that out of 18,000 people who were surveyed, 13.5 percent of married people hadn’t had sex in five years or more. FIVE. DAMN. YEARS. Y’all, that’s not thriving or even living in a relationship — that is barely existing.
That said, because things like different sleep schedules, shifts in sex drives, and even boredom or laziness can cause spouses to put sex on the back burner, if you just read all of this and thought, “Yeah, this sounds a lot like my marriage right now” — before you do anything else, read how the following 10 married couples got through their own season(s) of a sexless marriage. It could help you to figure out what needs to be done in order to get your own relationship out of its current sex rut…for the sake of your intimacy needs and your marriage.
*I always use middle names in pieces like these, so that people can speak freely*
1. David and Chrystiana. Married 11 Years.
GiphyDavid: “People like to make this complicated when it’s pretty simple: what you prioritize, you’ll do. The reason why so many single people have a lot of sex isn’t because they don’t have lives and aren’t busy; it’s because they prioritize it. When you’re married, it’s easy to take sex for granted since your partner is in the bed with you every night. Before you know it, a week [of no sex] has turned into three. But just like food, sleep and your favorite streaming show matters to you, you can find a way to make sex happen. My wife and I had to choose to see it this way — then things started to change for the better.”
Chrystiana: “He’s right. When you’re single, especially when you live alone, you plan sex. When you’re married, so many other plans get in the way that you can forget to plan sex. It’s not that you don’t like it, want it, or miss it — it’s just that there is only so much time in the day. Some people frown on a sex schedule; it’s worked great for us. Every Sunday and Wednesday, we have sex, and because it’s on the schedule, the rest of the days give me time to get ready for it, so that it doesn’t just ‘happen’; it’s an event.”
Shellie here: Check out “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex” and “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day.”
2. Benson and Denyse. Married for 16 Years.
GiphyBenson: “We weren’t each other’s first but we did wait until marriage to have sex with each other. We should’ve talked about sex more before marriage because I assumed that we were on the same page — and we weren’t. [My wife] is very affectionate but she can kind of take or leave sex, so that meant that I had to up the foreplay. It’s not that I wasn’t someone who didn’t ‘warm up the engine’ in the past; it’s just that she needs way more than even 30 minutes, so I’ve come up with creative ways to make that happen. That has made her more interested in intercourse which has made sex more consistent over time. Talk about sex prior to jumping brooms. You and your spouse could end up riding some if you don’t!”
Denyse: “I’ve always been more affectionate than sexual, so I have always liked to cuddle, even naked, more than the act of intercourse. What I had to accept is, when you’re married, it’s not just about your preferences and what you want. I think that’s why a lot of folks don’t go the distance: they are selfish and only care about their own needs. You asked about sex, so I’ll stay focused. If you’re like me and you like sex but you love intimacy outside of sex, tap in with your spouse to see what their needs are. My husband is fine having sex a few times a month and so I make sure that he gets it. Sometimes people are in a sexless marriage because they don’t see what their partner wants and their partner doesn’t want to be the one to bring it up all of the time. That’s fair [for them to feel that way]. You need to initiate sexual conversations.”
Shellie here: Check out “These Tips Will Keep Foreplay From Becoming Boring AF (No Pun Intended)” and “Want Your Man To Be Better In Bed? Give Him A Book.”
3. Nassir and Payten. Married for Seven Years.
GiphyNassir: “My wife will probably tell you that it was shaky at first because sex was something that she would use to get me to do things — or not do them. After a while, I got tired of that and I resorted to masturbation because it was less drama to deal with. You don’t want to be the solution, though, because you can easily look up and it’s been weeks without sex. Whatever is wrong, talk about it. Don’t use sex to hint around about other issues.”
Payten: “I hate to admit it but I’m not alone — my girlfriends tell me so. Back when I was single, I used to use sex as a weapon. Not that I don’t like sex — I like it A LOT. I’m saying that when a man would piss me off, I would withhold sex and when you’re married, it can’t work that way. You can’t expect a man to promise you faithfulness and you turn around and not give him any whenever he doesn’t clean the kitchen. It’s childish but it also creates a wedge. During the first 16 months or so of our marriage, I was being a ‘sex brat’ and it was really causing my husband to resent me. Then we went on a marriage retreat where I learned that weaponizing is what I was doing. Now I’ve learned how to communicate my frustration instead of withholding sex. It corrects the issue quicker and it keeps walls from going up in our relationship.”
Shellie here: Check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why.”
4. Vernon and Evelyn. Married for 20 Years.
GiphyVernon: “I think that every couple goes through a sexless period; the red flag is why that’s happening. Is it due to illness or scheduling or is it because there’s a lack of connection in the marriage. Since we’ve been married, we’ve probably gone without sex at least a dozen times but it’s three or four that I can think of that caused us to go to counseling. That’s my advice: figure out why the two of you aren’t having sex and then seek a professional if you need help getting back on track.”
Evelyn: “People talk about menopause when they need to be talking about perimenopause. The last two years before my period stopped, completely, my hormones were all over the place. The bloating made me not feel very attractive, my vagina wasn’t responding like it used to and for a minute there, I thought my orgasms had completely disappeared. He’s right, see a therapist for the emotional stuff but all women should see their doctor to get their hormone levels checked once they enter their mid-40s.”
Shellie here: Check out "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through" and “Sex And Menopause. What You Should Know."
5. Christopher and Jenavieve. Married for Nine Years.
GiphyChristopher: “Sex is what keeps you from seeing your spouse as a roommate — and that’s easy to do if you’re not careful. I’ll let [wife’s first name] tell you how long we went without it one time, but it was a long while. We weren’t mad at each other — we just started to act more like best friends and less like lovers. I don’t talk about this a lot but the few people who do know ask if either of us cheated. I mostly watched porn which creates its own issues. Bottom line, your spouse shouldn’t become ‘just a friend.’ Prioritize sex so that never happens. Your marriage is in some serious trouble if you do.”
Jenavieve: “For about three years of our marriage, we basically went without sex. The worst part about it to me is when I brought it up to some of my girlfriends, they acted like it was no big deal due to not having sex with their husbands either and that just made it easier to keep going. Since we weren’t really fighting and there was still some affection, we let it slide longer than we should have. Eventually, he got into pornography and I had an emotional affair — both are no better than [physically] cheating, in my book and both happened because we weren’t having sex. If you’re married, have sex to protect your marriage.”
Shellie here: Check out “5 Signs You're In An Emotional Affair And Don't Even Know It."
6. Paul and Apryl. Married for 11 Years.
GiphyPaul: “I see sexless marriages differently. Even if you’re having sex regularly, if your needs shift or one or both of you aren’t really enjoying it, having sex on a technicality shouldn’t count. There have been a couple of times when we’ve gone sexless because of that. The first time, we didn’t talk about it and that made us both resentful. The second time, my wife brought it up and we talked through it. Never think that what worked on your wedding night or fifth anniversary will work in the moment. People change and sexual needs can too.”
Apryl: “I agree. Does sex count, fully, if body parts come together but no one is really satisfied? After about our seventh year, we started taking sexcations, buying books and listening to podcasts about sex, and, thanks to you, creating bucket lists every year. It can be easy to have a ‘If it worked before, it should work now’ approach to sex when you’re married and that’s what can drive a wedge in between you. Never assume that your partner is satisfied. Ask.”
Shellie here: Check out “8 ‘Kinds Of Sex’ All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation” and “Married Couples, It's Time For A Sexcation!”
7. Davis and Ireland. Married for Four Years.
GiphyDavis: “I don’t know how many men read your articles but some of us have wives whose sex drives we totally underestimated. Sh-t, for the first year or so, I felt damn near emasculated because I thought that my drive was high but [my wife] has me all the way beat! For us, while we’ve never really had what you would say is a ‘sexless marriage’, we did have trouble in our sex life because I wasn’t always in the mood when she was and that was bothering her. I know you say that a sexless marriage is sex that’s only 10 times a year, but I think there’s also the kind where your partner needs more than you are giving. Couples need to find compromise with that. It can cause problems later on too.”
Ireland: “If you are like me and you want sex more than your man does, it’s important to remember that it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with either one of you. Society makes us think that all men think about is sex all of the time and that’s just not true. What I had to learn is he’s the one who needs more foreplay and ‘warming up’; his system calls for it. And, when he’s not in the mood, that doesn’t mean that he’s not attracted to me or doesn’t enjoy sex with me when we do have it. Do talk about those things before marriage, though. It totally threw me for a loop at first because we didn’t.”
Shellie here: Check out “If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.,” “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?” and “Fast Or Slow Sex: Which Does Science Say Is Better? (Girrrl...).”
8. Frederick and Dannika. Married for Six Years.
GiphyFrederick: “Go to premarital counseling. If your counselor doesn’t spend a good portion of time talking about sex, find another one. I’ll let my wife take it from here.”
Dannika: “We’ve never told anyone that the first year of our marriage, we barely had sex after our wedding night. Even though we weren’t virgins when we got married, we didn’t have sex with each other and because we were so focused on not doing it, we didn’t talk about sex much because we thought that it would tempt us into doing it. That was a huge mistake because we both had totally different expectations. I’m more of the romance/rom-com kind of sex person and he is, I’ll just say more adventurous. It took us about three years to find a way to meet in the middle.”
Shellie here: Check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner,” “What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex” and “10 Wives Tell Me What They Wish They Knew About 'Married Sex.'”
9. Goran and Kaia. Married for 15 Years.
GiphyGoran: “I travel a lot for work — probably around 35 percent of the time. Then when I’m back home, it’s catch-up time with kids and bills and stuff to do around the house. By the time it’s time for bed, all we want to do is go to sleep. The thing that you have to be careful of is, even if you are ‘too busy for sex,’ if you go without it too long and then the urge hits you, that’s when you can put yourself in some vulnerable positions. About five years into our marriage, we set a precedent that we would never go longer than 10 days without sex, no matter what. It’s one of the best decisions that we ever made.”
Kaia: “My husband traveled a lot before we got married, so I knew what I was getting myself into. What I wasn’t prepared for was getting so much into my own groove while he was gone that he damn near was ‘wrecking my flow’ of things whenever he got back. Sometimes, he would want to have sex immediately and I would need a day to get used to him being back in the [house] space. My primary love language is words of affirmation, so sexting was a type of foreplay that helped to get me ready for his arrival. It’s one of my favorite types of foreplay to this day.”
Shellie here. Check out “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” and “Let's Talk About Sext: 30 Sexts You Can Send To Bae Right Now.”
10. Radford and Orla. Married for 26 Years.
GiphyRadford: “I’ve got enough years in my marriage to tell you that if you have sex for the same reasons as a married person that you did as a single person, not only will you go through sexless moments often, you will probably end up divorced. Sex, in marriage, isn’t just about recreation. Sex is a sacred experience that connects you with your spouse in a way like nothing else. I can say this because years ago, we would have months when we would go without sex. It took maturing about it on a mental, emotional and spiritual level to learn that it’s not just about ‘getting off’; sex is about tapping into your spouse and bonding with them in a potent way that way. Look at sex like that and you will do your damnedest not to end up sexless. Your marriage won’t survive it.”
Orla: “If you’ve heard somewhere that sex gets better with time in a marriage, that’s true. If you had sex before getting married, the first few years of your marriage, you can go in with the same surface mindset about it — have sex, get an orgasm, end of story. Go through some things, see that your husband isn’t going anywhere, and the intimacy of sex goes way deeper and is more satisfying. And when you’re grateful for that kind of love, you want to express it with your husband as much as possible.”
Shellie here: Check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important.”
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Author Sheila Wray Gregoire once said, “Sex is not just about me; it’s about me knowing you and building us.” Goodness y’all, if all married couples took this quote literally and seriously, imagine how much less sexless marriages would be an issue.
Are sexless marriages common? Hmph, common enough. Can they be prevented? 8.5 times outta 10, absolutely. These 20 married people provide some wonderful insights into how. I hope you will take their great wisdom to heart — in and out of your bedroom.
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