Beyoncé On The Importance Of Seeing Her Self, Her FUPA & Teaching Love To Our Sons
"I've worked long and hard to be able to get to a place where I can choose to surround myself with what fulfills and inspires me." — Beyoncé
The process of growth looks different for everyone, but one underlying constant is the ability to self-reflect and to take what can sometimes look like difficulties and find the lesson hidden underneath.
Beyoncé recently opened up about her life and career, and the insight she exclusively reveals in this year's September issue of Vogue is poignant, introspective, and empowering. The typically private singer and songwriter took full creative control of this cover shoot and hired Tyler Mitchell, a 23-year-old Tisch School graduate, videographer, and photographer, as the first African American to shoot the cover in Vogue's 126-year history.
Although she declined to do the typical sit-down interview, she instead chose to pen her own personal messages to accompany the artistically "stripped" down shots. Regarding her decision to hire Mitchell and present a more natural version of herself, she says:
"I think it's important for women and men to see and appreciate the beauty in their natural bodies. That's why I stripped away the wigs and hair extensions and used little makeup for this shoot…Until there is a mosaic of perspectives coming from different ethnicities behind the lens, we will continue to have a narrow approach and view of what the world actually looks like. That is why I wanted to work with this brilliant 23-year-old photographer Tyler Mitchell."
Inclusion is so important: it gives us our just due and it also reminds us and those around us that our stories and our perspectives are important, too. Beyoncé also recognizes her responsibility to continue to push for more inclusion and representation for people of color in all industries and walk of life.
"When I first started, 21 years ago, I was told that it was hard for me to get onto covers of magazines because black people did not sell. Clearly that has been proven a myth. Not only is an African American on the cover of the most important month for 'Vogue,' this is the first ever 'Vogue' cover shot by an African American photographer…It's important to me that I help open doors for younger artists. There are so many cultural and societal barriers to entry that I like to do what I can to level the playing field, to present a different point of view for people who may feel like their voices don't matter."
Continuing in the topic of inclusion, she also mentions that as the mother of two girls, she wants to empower them in the same way her own mother empowered her: to be able to see herself. Seeing images of women that look like "us" in all different arenas will undoubtedly have an affect on how young girls perceive themselves and the levels of success that they are able to achiever. Ultimately, Beyoncé wants her girls to be "authentic, respectful, compassionate and empathetic." She says:
"My mother taught me the importance not just of being seen but of seeing myself. As the mother of two girls, it's important to me that they see themselves too—in books, films, and on runways. It's important to me that they see themselves as CEOs, as bosses, and that they know they can write the script for their own lives—that they can speak their minds and they have no ceiling. They don't have to be a certain type or fit into a specific category. They don't have to be politically correct, as long as they're authentic, respectful, compassionate, and empathetic. They can explore any religion, fall in love with any race, and love who they want to love."
The mother of three also has a powerful message she wants to pass on to her son. In this internet age, it is also important for our boys to see the many facets of what it really takes to be a man. Outside of being tough and ready to provide, we don't always get enough images of men being vulnerable, loving, and compassionate toward others. Beyoncé wants to help change the narrative for what manhood looks like and reveals that she wants her son to have a "high emotional IQ." She writes:
"I want the same things for my son. I want him to know that he can be strong and brave but that he can also be sensitive and kind. I want my son to have a high emotional IQ where he is free to be caring, truthful, and honest. It's everything a woman wants in a man, and yet we don't teach it to our boys...I hope to teach my son not to fall victim to what the internet says he should be or how he should love. I want to create better representations for him so he is allowed to reach his full potential as a man, and to teach him that the real magic he possesses in the world is the power to affirm his own existence."
Beyonce/Instagram
At 36 years old, Beyoncé has far eclipsed most of her peers in the music arena. And while many of her fans prop her up on a throne of superhero proportions, Beyoncé in fact is just a human being like the rest of us. She has previously shared her struggles with suffering miscarriages, and now she has opened up about having to undergo an emergency C-section for the birth of twins Sir and Rumi. The singer tells Vogue that she and her husband, Jay-Z, spent many weeks in the NICU and the recovery from such a major surgery had her in "survival mode." She reveals:
"I was 218 pounds the day I gave birth to Rumi and Sir. I was swollen from toxemia and had been on bed rest for over a month.
My health and my babies' health were in danger, so I had an emergency C-section. We spent many weeks in the NICU. My husband was a soldier and such a strong support system for me. I am proud to have been a witness to his strength and evolution as a man, a best friend, and a father. I was in survival mode and did not grasp it all until months later...Today I have a connection to any parent who has been through such an experience. After the C-section, my core felt different. It had been major surgery. Some of your organs are shifted temporarily, and in rare cases, removed temporarily during delivery. I am not sure everyone understands that."
Anyone who has had a C-section knows how long the recovery process is and that there are so many layers to it. In addition to the physical body healing, acceptance of the new body many women are left with after any birth is also a process itself. Beyoncé reveals that she watched her entire body changed, so she gave herself time to practice self-care in order to fully embrace her new curves. She's even claiming her FUPA! She says:
"I needed time to heal, to recover. During my recovery, I gave myself self-love and self-care, and I embraced being curvier. I accepted what my body wanted to be...I have a little mommy pouch, and I'm in no rush to get rid of it. I think it's real. Whenever I'm ready to get a six-pack, I will go into beast zone and work my ass off until I have it. But right now, my little FUPA and I feel like we are meant to be."
Though she is an entertainer, wife, mother, and icon, Beyoncé is also a businesswoman. Growth is the ability to take a hard look at all the disappointments we've gone through, be it personal and professional, and take them with us as lessons rather than as pain. She says through all of these experiences, she's able to laugh and grow. She reveals that when she thinks of her 20-year-old self, she feels more beautiful and powerful now than she ever did before.
"I have had disappointments in business partnerships as well as personal ones, and they all left me feeling neglected, lost, and vulnerable. Through it all I have learned to laugh and cry and grow. I look at the woman I was in my 20s and I see a young lady growing into confidence but intent on pleasing everyone around her. I now feel so much more beautiful, so much sexier, so much more interesting. And so much more powerful."
Beyoncé has taken this coveted moment (covering the September issue of Vogue) and made it about more than just herself. She can recognize herself in others and wants other to see themselves in herself, as well. Her ability to tell her story in such a humble and inspiring way leaves the impression that she has become even clearer in her mission and purpose as an artist.
To read more of her excerpts for Vogue, click here.
Featured image by Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Anheuser-Busch
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images