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Celebrate Self-Reflection: 7 Questions To Ask Yourself On Your Birthday
Thankfully, I don't have an issue with aging. With all that goes on in the course of one year, I personally find it a true blessing to be able to make it to another birthday in my right mind, in good health and with my needs met. That doesn't mean that I don't trip by how fast birthdays seem to roll around the older that I get, though. Shoot, back when I was an adolescent, it seemed like becoming a year older took FOR-E-VER. Now? Lawd. It's more like after three months tops, I'm trying to get used to saying that I'm a whole 'nother age. Yet, like they say, "If you're not living, you're dying" and you know what—if you're not aging, the same sentiment basically applies.
That said, although there are so many things that make us one of us different people, there are several things that we each have in common too. One of them is we each have a birthday. One that rolls around every 12 months. Whether you're someone who is totally stoked about your big day, no matter how many candles are on your cake, or you're someone who close to hyperventilates at the mere thought of getting older, here are seven questions that would be a good idea to ask yourself (and journal the answers to), every year, just so you can gain even more clarity about how special birthdays actually are—and why it's such a good thing that you've reached a brand spanking new year.
1. What Did the Past 12 Months Teach You?
If I've got a personal motto about birthdays, it's if you've been making the absolute most of the time between your last birthday and the one that is coming up, by the time your official day arrives, you should be more than happy to move on to another year. Yep, I definitely believe that a part of the reason why so many folks struggle with their birthdays is because they don't value their time as much as they should have. Take this year, for me, for example. I spent quite a bit of time learning how to embrace my femininity more, how to make peace with my decision to not conceive children and how to make plans that will prepare me for the next 10 years or so. Adding that to getting some of my financial areas in order and doing some inventory in a few of my relationships, chile, this year was well spent. So much so that by the time June 17 (my birthday) comes around, I'll be more than ready to be on some new ish. This year taught me a lot and I've grown. It's time for a shift.
So yeah, let's start there. Whether your birthday is next week or six months from now, a few days prior to its arrival, pull out a journal and do some writing about what the past 12 months have taught you and, in some ways, even prepared you for. Once you're done, you too might realize that turning a new age is very similar to turning over a new leaf so that you can fully embrace what is to come.
2. If Getting Older Bothers You, Why Is That?
Not sharing your age—your real age—is most certainly your business and your right. What I will say is the women I know who have an issue with it also seem to carry a certain burden of low self-esteem because they seem to be consumed with still looking—and sometimes even acting—like they are 15-20 years younger than they actually are. Listen, as a Black woman with the gift of melanin that you have, you already know that you are on your way to literally aging like fine wine, so if getting older really bothers you…why is that? Is it because your mama (and grandmas and aunties) didn't set a good example? Is it because you don't have some older women in your life who you look up to? Is it because you're not simply entertained by the media (including social media), you are consumed by it, so you think you've gotta keep up with celebrities, IG models and picture filters? What really is the deal?
When it comes to aging, there's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained by living a godly life." (Proverbs 16:31—NLT) Did you catch the part that comes before the semicolon? Gray hair is a crown. Not just a crown but a crown of glory! A crown is a symbol of sovereignty and glory is all about bestowing great praise, honor and distinction to someone. Gray hair does this. Gray hair does this.
I know that society oftentimes seems obsessed with staying young forever. That's not only pretty ridiculous, it's also super unrealistic. And so, if aging bothers you, ask yourself why? I promise you that it's not "just because" and the sooner you get to the root of it all, the easier it will be to make peace with shifting…upwards.
3. In What Ways, Have You Personally Evolved and Matured?
Oprah Winfrey once said, "We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are." Ain't that the truth. Honestly, if you're someone who is all about personal evolution rather than just simply getting older (because there is indeed a huge difference between maturing and simply aging), each day should be about becoming a smarter, wiser and better version of yourself, right? Well, if you're super intentional about holistically advancing in this way, 365 days should add up to a lot of internal—and quite possibly external—change in your life.
And what are some telling signs that you have definitely evolved and matured as an individual? You're clearer than you were last year about who you are, what you want, what it will take to get it, along with who and what you need to release in order to make "it" happen. You've also gotten better when it comes to how to take care of yourself during the "meantime" moments. Personally, when I think about personal evolution, the stages that a caterpillar goes through to become a butterfly come to mind. It ain't easy for the caterpillar to transform and yet man—after all of that waiting, wiggling and struggling, not one butterfly wants to go back to who they used to be. It's time to see and do some new things. Same thing applies to us as we continue to…evolve.
4. What Toxic Habits/Patterns Have You Broken?
On the heels of what I just said, if there's one reason why I get that you wouldn't be looking forward to your birthday, it's if you are still caught up in the same cyclic patterns that you've been in for, shoot, who knows how long? I remember when I turned 45 and I wrote the article on this site about it (check out "What My 45-Year-Old Self Would Tell My 25-Year-Old Self"). When I did some podcast interviews about how I felt about turning the "Big 45", I honestly was pretty excited about it because I had gotten rid of some draining relationships, had created some healthier work patterns for myself and had learned to be more fearless when it came to certain people in my life who I, quite frankly, used to be kind of scared of (adulthood is surviving childhood; that can't be said enough). And because so much of that happened over the course of 44, I was ecstatic to be able to say that I was in a new year where, in many ways, I was a new person.
Remember that your birthday isn't "just a day". It's a totally new year. It's a time to wipe your slate clean and live your life in a way that you may have never done before. If by the time your next birthday rolls around, you've gotten rid of some toxic habits and patterns, awesome. If you haven't, look at your upcoming birthday as an opportunity to use your new year to break some. Once and for all.
5. How Much Closer Are You to Achieving Your Goals?
Motivational author Les Brown once said, "Your goals are the road maps that guide you and show you what is possible in your life." That said, something that I think super ambitious people have in common is time literally flies in their world because they know how to make the absolute most of each and every moment. So much, in fact, that there is no time to sulk over getting older because each birthday reminds them that there are more short- and long-term goals that need to be reached. As a result, they are more about using their birthday as milestones rather than as reminders that they are one year older than they were last year.
Keeping all of this in mind, as it relates to your next birthday if:
- You're single and want to be married. What are you doing to get closer to your goal?
- You hate your job and want to switch gigs. What are you doing to get closer to your goal?
- You feel like your clock is ticking and you want some babies. What are you doing to get closer to your goal?
- You're ready to own a home, buy a car and/or travel the world. What are you doing to get closer to your goals?
- You want to change your life completely. What are you doing to get closer to your goal?
If no matter what you've read thus far, you still just can't get yourself to feel hype about reaching another year, perhaps look at your birthday as an "official goal marker" more than anything else. Each birthday represents 12 months of goals reached and 12 months' worth of goals to set. Goals are a huge part of what drives us. How can you not get hyped about that?
6. Do Your Personal Relationships Currently Complement You?
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the site entitled, "10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins". One of the things that I recommended is that you take, what I call, "friendship inventory". Personally, I think it's a little crazy that we'll take out to the time to clean out our closets or upgrade our bedroom every year, and yet we don't think it's necessary to reflect on our relationships to see if we're getting what we need and if we're providing what others need from us. When it comes to both romantic and platonic relationships, a word that I'm super fond of is "complement". Something or someone that complements us completes us to some degree. Some synonyms for complement include balance, enhance and add.
As we grow and mature every year, it's not a given that the people who complemented us in the past will also complement us in our present. Making the time to think about what you need—and what you have the ability to offer—in your relationships and then to have that conversation with the people you care about most can help everyone to see if they are on the same page.
I'm telling you from personal experience, sometimes the baggage that comes directly from counterproductive relationships can hold us down. Taking inventory on your connections with others is another way to go into a new year right.
7. How Are You Choosing to Celebrate?
I've got some people in my world who make fun of me because I'm so big on celebrating my birthday. They say it's a "Gemini thing". Whatever. I don't observe holidays, so the way I see it, the folks in my life are getting off pretty easy since I'm only semi-high-maintenance once a year. And yes, with all that I've been through—and sometimes even sent myself through—you can best believe that I'm gonna celebrate making it to another year. Since I'm an ambivert, for me, that's not by throwing some big party. I actually have themes each year of different things that I collect. That's how I do my birthday.
We're each unique, so no one is saying that you have to buy a birthday cake, blow up balloons and go the traditional route. Maybe celebrating your birthday consists of taking a day off and binge-watching shows all day. Perhaps it's having a spa day. Maybe it's going out of town for the weekend prior to or the weekend following your day. Perhaps it's spending an insane amount of money on random stuff based on what you've saved in order to do just that. The way YOU celebrate YOUR day is totally up to you. All I'm saying is, because you've made it to another year, please avoid the blasé attitude of "it's just a day". No it's freakin' not. It's the day that you officially made your entrance into this world and since you bring things to this space in a way that no one else ever has or ever will—how is that not something to celebrate? Every year of your entire life!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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