

It's safe to say the New Year is the self-proclaimed time to do a complete 180 in every area of our lives. At the same time, it's so easy to get caught up with wanting to reinvent our lives and do said complete 180 between 11:59 on December 31st and 12:01 on January 1. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we feel like we have to give in to the pressure of becoming a different person when the New Year gets here?
While I'm a lover of all things new, all things resolutions, and all things vision board parties at the top of the year, before we get into it all, ask yourself these questions:
What Do I Love About Myself?
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Trust me, I don't think I'm close to perfect. Not. Even. Close. But there are things about myself that I actually want to take into the new year. While there are changes I would like to make, I don't think I necessarily need to do a complete turnaround because there are things that are the core of who I am that I don't want to change.
Evolve? Yes. But not completely change for the sake of having something to cross off in the new year.
I think before we get into the reinvention of ourselves, we have to be careful not to let the things we love about ourselves be found guilty by association and fall by the wayside. In the middle of this process of becoming a completely new you, be sure to maintain those positives. Cause you're the bomb diggity baby girl.
Who Am I Doing It For?
I was listening to this church message recently and the speaker was discussing how sometimes we have faith for God to do things in our lives because we subconsciously want to prove other people wrong. For example, to show the person who dumped us that it was their loss, or to prove to someone we're dating that we really are good enough. Even though I can't deny I love the feeling of having someone else realize how dope I am (or like to think I am), whether they've treated me amazingly or the opposite, I can't make my whole life about how they see me; self-reinventions included.
It really boils down to making sure that this reinvention and new lease on life is truly about you. Because you deserve to have what you feel is your best self, instead of spending life's most precious moments attempting to live up to what you want others to think about you.
What Do I Want To Change?
If we're honest with ourselves, there are probably a lot of things we can do better. From not procrastinating (me!) to learning how to say no (also me) and just taking better care of ourselves from the inside out, it's no secret that very few of us, if any, are completely happy with every detail that encompasses who we are. If for you, the new year is the best time to take on these challenging changes, I would suggest seriously taking time to think about what it is you want to change and why.
All of us are human so it might be easy to lose count of everything we aren't necessarily happy with. But prioritizing the things you want to change and knocking them out one at a time could be the definite key for you to reinvent yourself one change at a time, otherwise you may be feeling overwhelmed about having to do it all at once.
Who’s In My Circle?
A lot of times, reinventing ourselves can impact the people around us just as much as it does our actual selves. Before you begin this journey, you should definitely do an evaluation of who's on your side. Who has been a ride or die friend for you through thick and thin, in the toughest moments? Those are the people you can count on to support your desire to become a better version of yourself. And for the ones who haven't, you don't necessarily have to cut them off. You just might have to redefine the roles they play in your life. It's not about thinking that you're better than them or that you're a new person and no longer have the time, it's about maintaining the part of you that you will work so hard to be, and not letting anyone or anything get in the way.
What Do I Really Want…Periodt?
When you think about what 2019 will bring, what do you hope to see? What is it that will make you happy? There's a quote that says, "Whatever makes you happy, do that." When you reinvent yourself, upgrade yourself, or whatever you want to call it, I hope one of the things you consider is your true desires and wants. I'm in no way saying to be selfish, I'm just saying to think about yourself as much as you might have thought about pleasing others in the past for whatever reason.
We can't take any positivity for granted, especially when it comes to the vibes that surround becoming a new and better us.
But if our actual desires and dreams that cause us to take on this journey of reinvention is forgotten, then what was it all for?
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
6 Tabletop Sex Positions That'll Unlock You & Bae's Most Primal Desires
Something I will never tire of is finding new ways to bring new layers to intimacy. A wall you use as momentum, a bathroom sink to help you keep your balance as he worships you on his knees, a shower that is usually for cleansing but evolves into a sacred ritual of shared intimacy.
My favorite kind of sex is the kind of sex that prioritizes pleasure and connection. So, technically and thankfully, I can say most of my sex life has been quite pleasurable throughout the years. But the memorable encounters for sure take the cake. One such encounter actually took place on a kitchen counter, and with it unleashed inhibitions in ways I never anticipated while unlocking levels to top-tier sex. And that, that involved a kitchen counter.
Why Kitchen Counter Sex Just Hits Different
What is it about having your hips pressed into the edge of a kitchen counter that lets out something so primal in you? The cool-to-the-touch feel of the countertop against exposed skin as you rise to meet him again and again. The urgency in every movement. The playfulness of repurposing an everyday space for something far more erotic. If you’re looking to bring that energy into your own sex life, keep reading for positions and tips to explore.
1. The Bounce House
They don’t call it Bounce House for nothing. In this position, the penetrating partner lies flat on their back on a sturdy table or counter while the receiving partner straddles them, knees bent and facing away. With their hands gripping the edge of the surface for support, the receiving partner slides or bounces at their own pace, owning the rhythm, the motion, and the view.
According to sex therapist Michael Aaron, Ph.D., who spoke with Women’s Health, the receiving partner placing their legs between their partner’s creates a tighter sensation, while staying fully astride allows for more bounce and range of motion. Either way, this one puts the receiver in full control, and you know we love a good woman on top position. Pleasure and power? Say less.
2. The Bicycle
Well, you know what they say about riding a bike. In the case of this table top position, it's the receiving partner who is the rider...but not in the way you think. While lying back on a sturdy surface or a table, the receiver will bring their knees toward their chest, bending them as if in a cycling motion. The penetrating partner stands at the edge of the surface, grabbing the receiver's ankles, and guides themselves inside, slowly so as to savor the moment. This angle puts everything on display for the penetrating partner while allowing for deep, connected thrusting for the receiver.
To take things up a notch , the receiving partner can touch themselves or flex their thighs to control the depth or the rhythm. Because, who says only one person gets to have control?
3. Counter Offer
How could we be at the table and not use it to eat? Enter: Counter Offer. In this oral-focused sex position, the receiving partner perches on the edge of a counter or table, lying back or sitting upright with legs parted or bent for comfort. The penetrating partner kneels or stands between their thighs, depending on the setup and the kind of attention they’re ready to give. No doubt, this one’s all about access and intention.
With the vulva front and center, the height makes it easier to maintain eye contact, use hands freely for things like breast play or incorporating toys, and take their time with every moan-inducing taste. And that’s on five, six, seven, ATE.
4. Standing Doggy
Standing Doggy is what happens when a classic like doggy style gets an upgrade. Instead of being on all fours on a bed, the receiving partner bends over a hard surface like a table or counter, keeping their hips aligned at its edge. The penetrating partner stands behind and enters from the back, using the angle to go deeper and create a strong, steady rhythm. This one offers maximum control and visual appeal, especially if the penetrating partner reaches around for a little extra clitoral stimulation throughout thrusting.
This angle can get intense quickly, so bonus points if the receiving partner engages their pelvic floor muscles or shifts their weight to adjust how the pressure hits, especially if your goal is to hit that G-spot sweet spot.
5. Top Shelf
Men's Healthcalls this one "Yourself on the Shelf," but we like to call it "Top Shelf" because it's giving full view, full grip, and climax potential that's hard to top. The receiving partner sits on the edge of a sturdy table or counter while the penetrating partner stands in front of them and slowly slides in, thrusting while keeping them in position. From there, legs can wrap around their waist, arms can encircle their back, and the closeness at peak ecstasy? Chef's kiss.
If you have the core strength, add lifting to the menu for the final strokes leading to orgasm. Otherwise, allow the surface to the heavy lifting and enjoy the pleasure.
6. The Thumper
What better way to remind yourself that you're both the snack and the entrée than with a little tableside service courtesy of The Thumper? This position has the receiving partner kneeling on a sturdy table or counter (keyword: sturdy), hands gripping the edge or braced in front for support. The penetrating partner can then either kneel behind them (if there's room for two), or stay anchored on the ground with both feet planted on the floor (similar to the previously mentioned Standing Doggy). It all depends on the mood.
Kneeling on the table offers just the right amount of leverage for deep, steady strokes. The receiving partner can play with tightness by either keeping their knees closer together for a snug grip, or open their knees wider to invite more access, depth, and stretch. The Thumper is versatile that way, and the most important thing? The receiver gets to be the main course. Yum.
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