You're Ready For Marriage. So, Where The Heck Is He?
Buddha once said, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." Well, no lie, right as I was sitting down to pen this, the YouTubers and podcasters Aba & Preach loaded a new video and guess what the title of it is? You ain't ready—"'I don't need a man, I'm an independent woman'...Cool story". They intro'd their thoughts with some footage from the talk show The Real. Some of the commentary featured Loni Love's "energy" about being in a relationship prior to actually getting into one vs. how it was once she started seeing someone—and yes, I must say, it was very different (I'll let you watch and check it out for yourself). Following that, Aba made this point:
"Women have often been told that their value lies in finding a partner. And so, counter to that rhetoric is, 'I'm an independent woman. I don't need no man', and the reality is that there is actually a middle ground. You still need a partner. You still need someone to be by your side. But your entire being is not defined by that one aspect…so understand, you responded to a negative stimulus which is women are defined by the man they choose, and your opposite reaction was, 'I don't need a man.'…but the reality is somewhere in the middle. You do. The same way that we need you. Let's be clear—human beings are not independent creatures…we all need each other…it's not a sign of weakness to admit that."
The reason why I think that video and his statement are a great way to kick off this particular piece is because, if you're a woman who really wants to get married and it seems like it's taking for-e-ver for "him" to arrive, please don't allow impatience (which we'll get into in a bit), fear or the temptation to create a jaded perspective cause you to take on the "F—k it. I don't need a man, then" mentality. First off all, it's never a wise idea to put that out into the Universe if it isn't true. Secondly, be careful—a lot of times we get the kind of energy that we project. Instead, it's OK to admit that you want a life partner and, because you're not sure when, where or how he's coming, you wonder if he'll ever arrive at all. A lot of us have been there. Shoot, a lot of us are still there.
So, just what should you do if that's the space that you're currently in—believing you are ready with no man in sight?While there's no way that all of the answers can be provided in just one read, my hope is that the following five points can, at least, offer some clarity—and a bit of comfort.
What Do You Mean by “Ready”?
Although I know that different people see marriage in different ways, I personally see it as a spiritual union. What I mean by that is, I believe that it's the kind of relationship that is not only a covenant, but one that involves three beings—a man, a woman and God. This means that I also believe that three beings are a part of not only the union itself, but how two people come together in the first place—and when. That's why it always tickles me when someone—I'll be honest, usually it's a woman—tells me how "ready they are" for their future spouse to arrive. I mean, sometimes I see why they might think so, but I always wonder if they think the Most High agrees with them. After all, "ready" is a pretty loaded word.
While you might be "willing" to get married (which is one definition of the word), does that automatically or necessarily mean that you are also "duly equipped, completed, adjusted, or arranged" (another definition of ready) or "completely prepared or in fit condition for immediate action or use" (another definition of ready)? Duly equipped? Completely prepared? Before you say "yes" and then follow that up with "I said what I said!", I recommend that you check out articles like "10 Things Married Couples Wished They Paid More Attention To While Dating", "10 Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Truly Understood" and "Dear Single Self: What I Wish I Knew Before Getting Married". Then, as an even greater preventative measure, also check out "What Some People Regret About Their Divorce". Oh, and if you also find marriage to be a sacred union, check out the video "God's Glory In Marriage Paul Washer, John Piper & Voddie Baucham".
If there is one thing that I hear, non-stop, in marriage sessions, it's that couples totally underestimated how selfish and even arrogant they were before getting married. A big part of the reason why is because they didn't realize how much was required to make a marriage work or how ill-prepared they truly were. Being ready is about more than being willing. Chances are, if you're not married yet, God is being merciful; there is some stuff that you still need to do…first—as a single woman.
Things like what? How's your mental and emotional health? Do you have some unresolved issues with any exes? Do you feel like you have a healthy sense of self-worth? Do you know what your purpose in life is and are you at least taking the steps to walk in it? Do you have good boundaries with your family (especially the toxic ones)? What's your money (including your credit) looking like? Are you at peace in your singleness? I could go on, but the answers to these types of questions will reveal if you are a whole person who is "ready" to unite with another whole individual—or if you're someone who believes that two halves make a whole.
Tip: Two whole people make for a much healthier marriage than two "halves" do.
Don’t You Want Him to Be Ready Too?
Then there's your husband. One of the reasons why I wrote "If Your Man Is Missing These Things, Wait Before Marrying Him" is actually thanks to something a husband (of well over two decades) once told me about why he thinks there are so many sexless marriages in the world. "Shellie, a lot of people forget how much of a business partnership a marriage is. And when you are constantly 'doing business' with someone, you don't always want to be having sex with them too." These are the pearls of wisdom that come from actually sitting down and talking to married people (which is what I also strongly recommend that you do).
Anyway, I can only imagine how many single people even make it a point to take something like that into consideration; especially guys. Believe you me, just like a lot of women have a tendency to over-romanticize marriage (to the point of having a totally unrealistic perspective), men can too. I've sat down with quite a few men who want a woman to be "Claire Huxtable", but they ain't thinkin' about what is required to attract that kind of woman. To me, a good husband is a spiritual leader; a protector and provider; someone who is strong yet empathetic; an individual who has a good sense of self, who is honest with himself as well as others and desires to be in a true partnership. He's the kind of person who knows that his "one" is to complement him and, because of that, he should do what Proverbs 31:28-29(AMPC)—"… her husband boasts of and praises her, [saying], 'Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all.'"
Y'all, aside from humbling yourself enough to accept that you may not be as "ready" as you think that you are (at least in order to have the quality of marriage you desire to have), it's important to also remember that your future husband has a season of readiness that he needs to go through too. I'm telling you, rather than hemming and hawing about how long he's taking, you'd be much better off praying for him. There is a Black married couple who actually has a free "Pray for Your Future Spouse" challenge that you can participate in, if you'd like. Click here for the details.
The Best Kind of Wife-to-Be Is More than Just That
Back when I was in college, there was a girl that I knew who, upon graduation, had earned straight As. But she still had a difficult time finding a job because while she was in school, she didn't do much else but study. No job. No extracurricular activities. Nothing to show that she was a well-rounded individual. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Many years ago, I wrote a column for a magazine called Relevant. One of them was about the MTV seriesNewlyweds that featured singers Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. If you never knew they were once married or it's been so long that you've forgotten all of the deets, Jessica was a virgin on her wedding day. To me, that's beautiful. At the same time, sexual purity (that pretty much only lasts for a couple of minutes) doesn't keep a marriage together. After a few episodes, it was clear that Jessica struggled with bringing more than that to the table. She didn't cook, clean, budget, had a weird work ethic and, whether it was purely for the show's ratings or not, she also wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. She seemed mad spoiled too (quirky and funny but still spoiled). If you Google either one of them, you'll see that they're both married to other people now.
Here's the point with both of the examples that I provided. There are a lot of single women I know who, unfortunately, are putting their lives on pause because they are consumed by their longing to have a husband. But if you ask any mature and secure man—whether he's single or married—about what makes a woman attractive, it's just how complete she is without having a man in her life. She's thriving in her calling. She has a good support system around her. She takes good care of her mind, body, and spirit. She knows the difference between needing a man and being needy. She may desire marriage, but her life is full enough to keep her from becoming obsessed about it.
There are some women I know who are divorced now. After doing some deep and profound soul-searching, they realize that a big cause of the breakdown in their union is them thinking that either A) their life would really start once they got married or B) they damn near suffocated their spouse because they are overly preoccupied with him and the full life he had.
When it comes to wifedom, one of my favorite Scriptures is "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones." (Proverbs 12:4—NKJV) Just think about all that you would want your future hubby to have going on in order for him to be considered excellent (possessing outstanding quality or superior merit; remarkably good). Whatever those things are, try and become those things in your own life. Your husband and your marriage will only benefit from it.
Allow Everyone to Do Their Part
So, there's a woman who goes by Chloe who has a YouTube channel that I already know is out here triggering people left and right. With videos like "Masculine Moves: 12 Masculine Things to Stop Doing in 2020!" and "Masculine Moves: Never Ask a Man to Marry You!", how could she not be? While I don't agree with everything that she says (like I'm sure a lot of y'all feel about some of the stuff that I write), when it comes to her perspective of a "masculine woman", I do get down with a point she made in the second video:
"Moves like this are being made when a woman is being highly territorial, and controlling, and back-leading. And being really extra in staking her claim, and trying to push the needle of marriage ahead. And is low-key trying to control and manipulate her engagement to make the odds of becoming a wife more favorable. And, this is what happens when a woman has the mindset that the man is the prize. 'Cause when a woman, sees the man, as the prize, there will always be a part of her, that will be willing to turn up the volume, on her masculinity, to secure the object of her affection. Which is a move, that puts a woman, in low value territory."
Whew. OK, so here's why I am with what she said. I do find it interesting that while a lot of women don't want to be in a traditional wife role, when it comes to things like marriage proposals, suddenly, they wouldn't dream of doing it because it's "a man's job" (which puts him into a traditional role, correct?). But I'll leave that alone.
My main point is this. 11 years ago, I published a blog entitled "So, How Did You Know?" It has a ton of different stories of how different married couples got together. Since I do reference the Bible quite a bit, and I know that Eve was brought to Adam (no, he did not pursue her; he was asleep—Genesis 2:18-25), I am not hung up on how folks come together. What I am big on is people acknowledging that in a male/female marital dynamic, the two energies are designed to balance each other. I also am a huge supporter of reminding women that "femininity" is not a dirty word ( authentic masculinity isn't either). A website entitled Chocolate for the Soul actually provides some traits of femininity that I can totally get down with:
A woman worth a million is HEALTHY AND SEXY
A woman worth a million is able to distribute her energy correctly
She is a woman who is self-confident and knows her value
A woman worth a million can have a balanced, intimate and fulfilling relationship with a man
A woman worth a million does not wait for men or the environment to make her happy ...
Yes—all this. The reason why I entitled this section the way that I did is because, as you're wondering where your future beloved is, it's important to keep "BALANCE" in the forefront of your mind. Even if you are tempted to get anxious or impatient (more on that in a sec), all you can do is your part. "He", the Most High and whomever else the Universe deems should play a role in your love story have a role in what needs to happen too. By stepping out of your femininity, by thinking you need to "take matters into your own hands", there is a greater chance that you will do more harm than good.
A great romance consists of two people who already love themselves and know their value. If you settle into this fact, it will be easier to take on that, "I can only do what I can do. But I'm so dope that that is automatically enough."
Remember That Love Is Patient—So, You Should Be Too
One more. As it relates to this particular kind of topic, the word "patient" is usually only thought about in the context of someone "quietly and steadily persevering or diligent, especially in detail or exactness". And while this definition certainly applies, it's important to always remember another definition of patient too—"bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like". Again, when the student is ready, the teacher will certainly appear and another thing that a lot of married people will tell you is, the more you prepare on the front end, the better off you will be on the back.
On the patient tip, do you really think that a stroll down some aisle will automatically turn you into a patient individual? And if you EVER will need to exercise patience, it's in a marriage. So really, no matter how long the waiting season may be taking, it could be the Universe's way of having your back because, the more you master patience now, the better spouse you will be later.
Remember, I'm over here abstinent, counseling couples and still not married; never have been. But I'll tell you what—the more I learn about myself, marriage and what a great one requires, the more grateful I am that "it's" taking as much time as it needs to. Because honestly, if I was ready…I'd be married. Since I'm not, I'll continue the preparation process—and enjoy my single season as I do. Because as awesome as I'm sure marriage is, singleness is pretty bomb too. So bomb that I don't have enough time to worry about where my man is. I just hope he catches up someday. Feel me? Yeah, exactly.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
If You Hate Being Single, Read This
Every Major Win In My Life Came After A Breakdown
Solo Dating In Your Single Season & How It Preps You For Relationships
Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
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- 4 signs that a man's ready for marriage — and 4 that he's not ›
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- He Says He's Not Ready for Marriage. Should I Wait? - Verily ›
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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