How To Own The Power Of Your Single Season
People say time heals all wounds, but they never say how much time. Last month, I learned that, for me, time meant a little over two years. It is just now that I'm finally settling into a breakup that I had experienced back in 2016.
The breakup affected my belief in God and the very foundation I set my faith on. While, I've been constantly affirmed and comforted throughout this healing process – by God and my loving friends – it wasn't until recently that I've accepted the fact that I am actually single.
My ex and I have worked hard to maintain a friendship and be strictly platonic in doing so. But his presence made it hard to actually feel single. I still, for some reason, felt like I owed him the same level of loyalty I afforded him throughout our three-year relationship; and because I was committed to doing so, I delayed the true beauty of my singleness.
Now that I'm finally settling into this season, I've been tapping into the true essence of what it is: My singleness.
So often people frown on the beauty of our single season. People want to avoid it like the plague – thinking that being single means being lonely or unloved. But in fact, being single means far greater things than that. Singleness means solitude, self-love, self-discovery, self-appreciation, and selfishness (there's nothing wrong with that). It means figuring yourself out, learning what you do and don't like, and understanding who you are at your core. Singleness means you have time to cater to yourself in the way you catered, so lovingly, to your ex. It means finding your own joy and learning to maintain it.
Settling into singleness means doing for you, not them.
During my recent revelation, I realized that I no longer had to do the things for my ex that I used to. I didn't have to be a listening ear if I didn't want to. I didn't have to sacrifice my schedule for the sake of his, or change my plans to accommodate his desire to see me. Shoot, I didn't even have to answer the phone if I didn't want to. I could be as present, or as absent, as I desired.
This was liberating. All my time, resources, and energy could be dedicated to me. I didn't have to be there – physically or emotionally – anymore. I didn't have to consider his feelings when it came to big decisions or limit certain friendships to make him comfortable. I was able to do me without considering anyone else but me.
That's what singleness is – dedicating time to focusing solely on you; your growth; your healing; your joy. Singleness is a moment of freedom and liberation – of exploration and discovery – not sadness and defeat.
So, in your season of singleness, own your power to do and live for self.
Cook what you want and eat as much of it as you want. Have sex with whomever you want, whenever you want – or don't have sex at all. Go out as frequently as you want, as late as you want. Manage your schedule around your own activities, and not anyone else's (unless you have kids). Purchase those concert tickets, or book your flight, without waiting for someone to check their calendar. Let the Instagram likes and heart-eyed emojis fly. Watch all the ratchet TV you can, or binge watch all the Netflix series' your heart desires.
Hang out with your friends – the "good examples" and the "bad" ones. Switch jobs. Move into a new apartment. Spend all your money on Chick-Fil-A. Drink all the wine. Use one dish for the whole month. Tweet your favorite celebrity crush; make them your phone wallpaper. Do your hair – or don't. Look at your phone while it rings, then text the person once they hang up. Dedicate more time to family. Find your new favorite bar and go there every week. Launch your business. Start your website. Make new friends. Change your wardrobe. Organize your life. Cleanse your energy. Repent for your mistakes; forgive yourself, too.
Simply do what feels good and right to you for you.
Settling into my singleness meant settling more into me. In doing so, I've unleashed a power of self-sufficiency and unwavering peace. I have let go of the hope of rekindling an old relationship and stopped feeling sad for my situation. Instead, I've become empowered in my ability to do what I desire, when I desire, how I desire.
Being single isn't a disease or a disorder. It's a level of freedom that you may not have once you settle down. It's an invitation to find and learn yourself, first. And if we look at it that way – learning how to please ourselves fully, understand our own processes, and truly explore joy and peace in our lives – we'll enter our next relationship better women and better partners.
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Solo Dating In Your Single Season & How It Preps You For Relationships - Read More
Tracee Ellis Ross Doesn't Subscribe To Society's Deadlines - Read More
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Zoe Hunter is the writer, speaker, and creator behind the women empowerment brand DEAR QUEENS. She uses vulnerability, storytelling, and spiritual development to empower women toward healthy decision-making. Stay connected to Zoe's work by visiting DEARQUEENS.com or following her on Twitter @zDEARQUEENS.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images