People say time heals all wounds, but they never say how much time. Last month, I learned that, for me, time meant a little over two years. It is just now that I'm finally settling into a breakup that I had experienced back in 2016.
The breakup affected my belief in God and the very foundation I set my faith on. While, I've been constantly affirmed and comforted throughout this healing process – by God and my loving friends – it wasn't until recently that I've accepted the fact that I am actually single.
My ex and I have worked hard to maintain a friendship and be strictly platonic in doing so. But his presence made it hard to actually feel single. I still, for some reason, felt like I owed him the same level of loyalty I afforded him throughout our three-year relationship; and because I was committed to doing so, I delayed the true beauty of my singleness.
Now that I'm finally settling into this season, I've been tapping into the true essence of what it is: My singleness.
So often people frown on the beauty of our single season. People want to avoid it like the plague – thinking that being single means being lonely or unloved. But in fact, being single means far greater things than that. Singleness means solitude, self-love, self-discovery, self-appreciation, and selfishness (there's nothing wrong with that). It means figuring yourself out, learning what you do and don't like, and understanding who you are at your core. Singleness means you have time to cater to yourself in the way you catered, so lovingly, to your ex. It means finding your own joy and learning to maintain it.
Settling into singleness means doing for you, not them.
During my recent revelation, I realized that I no longer had to do the things for my ex that I used to. I didn't have to be a listening ear if I didn't want to. I didn't have to sacrifice my schedule for the sake of his, or change my plans to accommodate his desire to see me. Shoot, I didn't even have to answer the phone if I didn't want to. I could be as present, or as absent, as I desired.
This was liberating. All my time, resources, and energy could be dedicated to me. I didn't have to be there – physically or emotionally – anymore. I didn't have to consider his feelings when it came to big decisions or limit certain friendships to make him comfortable. I was able to do me without considering anyone else but me.
That's what singleness is – dedicating time to focusing solely on you; your growth; your healing; your joy. Singleness is a moment of freedom and liberation – of exploration and discovery – not sadness and defeat.
So, in your season of singleness, own your power to do and live for self.
Cook what you want and eat as much of it as you want. Have sex with whomever you want, whenever you want – or don't have sex at all. Go out as frequently as you want, as late as you want. Manage your schedule around your own activities, and not anyone else's (unless you have kids). Purchase those concert tickets, or book your flight, without waiting for someone to check their calendar. Let the Instagram likes and heart-eyed emojis fly. Watch all the ratchet TV you can, or binge watch all the Netflix series' your heart desires.
Hang out with your friends – the "good examples" and the "bad" ones. Switch jobs. Move into a new apartment. Spend all your money on Chick-Fil-A. Drink all the wine. Use one dish for the whole month. Tweet your favorite celebrity crush; make them your phone wallpaper. Do your hair – or don't. Look at your phone while it rings, then text the person once they hang up. Dedicate more time to family. Find your new favorite bar and go there every week. Launch your business. Start your website. Make new friends. Change your wardrobe. Organize your life. Cleanse your energy. Repent for your mistakes; forgive yourself, too.
Simply do what feels good and right to you for you.
Settling into my singleness meant settling more into me. In doing so, I've unleashed a power of self-sufficiency and unwavering peace. I have let go of the hope of rekindling an old relationship and stopped feeling sad for my situation. Instead, I've become empowered in my ability to do what I desire, when I desire, how I desire.
Being single isn't a disease or a disorder. It's a level of freedom that you may not have once you settle down. It's an invitation to find and learn yourself, first. And if we look at it that way – learning how to please ourselves fully, understand our own processes, and truly explore joy and peace in our lives – we'll enter our next relationship better women and better partners.
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
