How To Own The Power Of Your Single Season
People say time heals all wounds, but they never say how much time. Last month, I learned that, for me, time meant a little over two years. It is just now that I'm finally settling into a breakup that I had experienced back in 2016.
The breakup affected my belief in God and the very foundation I set my faith on. While, I've been constantly affirmed and comforted throughout this healing process – by God and my loving friends – it wasn't until recently that I've accepted the fact that I am actually single.
My ex and I have worked hard to maintain a friendship and be strictly platonic in doing so. But his presence made it hard to actually feel single. I still, for some reason, felt like I owed him the same level of loyalty I afforded him throughout our three-year relationship; and because I was committed to doing so, I delayed the true beauty of my singleness.
Now that I'm finally settling into this season, I've been tapping into the true essence of what it is: My singleness.
So often people frown on the beauty of our single season. People want to avoid it like the plague – thinking that being single means being lonely or unloved. But in fact, being single means far greater things than that. Singleness means solitude, self-love, self-discovery, self-appreciation, and selfishness (there's nothing wrong with that). It means figuring yourself out, learning what you do and don't like, and understanding who you are at your core. Singleness means you have time to cater to yourself in the way you catered, so lovingly, to your ex. It means finding your own joy and learning to maintain it.
Settling into singleness means doing for you, not them.
During my recent revelation, I realized that I no longer had to do the things for my ex that I used to. I didn't have to be a listening ear if I didn't want to. I didn't have to sacrifice my schedule for the sake of his, or change my plans to accommodate his desire to see me. Shoot, I didn't even have to answer the phone if I didn't want to. I could be as present, or as absent, as I desired.
This was liberating. All my time, resources, and energy could be dedicated to me. I didn't have to be there – physically or emotionally – anymore. I didn't have to consider his feelings when it came to big decisions or limit certain friendships to make him comfortable. I was able to do me without considering anyone else but me.
That's what singleness is – dedicating time to focusing solely on you; your growth; your healing; your joy. Singleness is a moment of freedom and liberation – of exploration and discovery – not sadness and defeat.
So, in your season of singleness, own your power to do and live for self.
Cook what you want and eat as much of it as you want. Have sex with whomever you want, whenever you want – or don't have sex at all. Go out as frequently as you want, as late as you want. Manage your schedule around your own activities, and not anyone else's (unless you have kids). Purchase those concert tickets, or book your flight, without waiting for someone to check their calendar. Let the Instagram likes and heart-eyed emojis fly. Watch all the ratchet TV you can, or binge watch all the Netflix series' your heart desires.
Hang out with your friends – the "good examples" and the "bad" ones. Switch jobs. Move into a new apartment. Spend all your money on Chick-Fil-A. Drink all the wine. Use one dish for the whole month. Tweet your favorite celebrity crush; make them your phone wallpaper. Do your hair – or don't. Look at your phone while it rings, then text the person once they hang up. Dedicate more time to family. Find your new favorite bar and go there every week. Launch your business. Start your website. Make new friends. Change your wardrobe. Organize your life. Cleanse your energy. Repent for your mistakes; forgive yourself, too.
Simply do what feels good and right to you for you.
Settling into my singleness meant settling more into me. In doing so, I've unleashed a power of self-sufficiency and unwavering peace. I have let go of the hope of rekindling an old relationship and stopped feeling sad for my situation. Instead, I've become empowered in my ability to do what I desire, when I desire, how I desire.
Being single isn't a disease or a disorder. It's a level of freedom that you may not have once you settle down. It's an invitation to find and learn yourself, first. And if we look at it that way – learning how to please ourselves fully, understand our own processes, and truly explore joy and peace in our lives – we'll enter our next relationship better women and better partners.
Related Stories:
All My Single Ladies: Real Women Reflect On Being Single for 3+ Years - Read More
It's Okay To Be Single - Read More
Solo Dating In Your Single Season & How It Preps You For Relationships - Read More
Tracee Ellis Ross Doesn't Subscribe To Society's Deadlines - Read More
Featured image by Getty Images
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Zoe Hunter is the writer, speaker, and creator behind the women empowerment brand DEAR QUEENS. She uses vulnerability, storytelling, and spiritual development to empower women toward healthy decision-making. Stay connected to Zoe's work by visiting DEARQUEENS.com or following her on Twitter @zDEARQUEENS.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images