If you ever wanna make me happy, get me a T-shirt. As a self-professed human billboard, I can't even begin to tell you how many that I have. I adore them so much that I even wrote an article on here about how to start your own T-shirt line. Anyway, back when I was working with a porn ministry, they let me design some of the shirts for them. One of the ones that I created featured some of the words that I'm about to share with you today, along with "single" at the very bottom.
Ah, the porn ministry days. I'll be the first to say that one of the reasons why I'm currently abstinent now is because of how I was able to get a front row seat into how porn affects people in the industry. The more I saw the "darker sides of sex", the more peace I made with choosing to be abstinent until I could get my own self together and embrace my singleness without the need of a man—in any way and on any level; not because I don't want a man in my life but because I never again want to be needy for one.
Hmph. It's funny the things that you can learn, relearn or unlearn when you really put your focus on that thing. And one thing that taking a break has done is show me how to fully respect and honor the word "single". Yes, in the relational sense, it does mean that you're not in a relationship with someone (technically, it means you're not married; your taxes say that you're single until you say "I do"). Yet hopefully, after reading two other definitions and eight synonyms for single, you'll see that it means a heck of a lot more than that.
Single isn't just about not being in a relationship. Single is dopeness personified.
1.Unique
A word that every single woman should be totally in love with is "unique". Not only because it's a definition of "single", but because of all of the different things that it means. To be unique is to be unparalleled. To be unique is to be incomparable. One of my absolute favorite definitions of the word is "having no like or equal". A close second is "without alternative possibilities".
Gee, when you look at "single" from the perspective of being unique, how can you not want to shout out your relational status from every rooftop and social media page that you've got? It doesn't get much better than being unique. And being single is just that.
2.Original
Something that I dig (and respect) about true creatives is they are highly original. They are all about doing what is fresh and new. Not only that, but they thrive off of being independent. Meaning, it doesn't matter what everyone else is doing or how popular something is. If it doesn't sit well with them or if their spirit man is calling them to go in another direction, they do it without reservation or apology. To be original is to be bold, courageous and to truly march to the beat of your own drum. And yes, "original" is a synonym of "single".
What's so cool about that is it's a reminder to approach life with a fresh and new angle; to also be bold and courageous and, when it comes to everything about your world, to be willing to do your own thing instead of what's expected of you. Taking an original approach to life provides being single with limitless possibilities.
3.Exclusive
People know that if I ever use the word "monogamy", I never apply it to couples who aren't married. That's because, in spite of how much the word may be misused, monogamous means to be married; more specifically, to be married to one person for a lifetime. So, what's the word I prefer when it comes to those who are in a long-term relationship? "Exclusive". In a nutshell, it means that you aren't considering anyone else other than the one you are currently with.
As it relates to this article, "exclusive" is another synonym of "single". One of its other definitions is "belonging to a particular individual".
As a single woman, everything about you—mind, body and soul—is exclusive. It belongs to you and you alone. And, should you ever decide to share an exclusive part of yourself, because it is so limited and private, the person on the receiving end should feel highly privileged. Access to exclusivity isn't easy to come by. Treat yourself as such.
4.Special
Not too long ago, I wrote an article on here about how the right man will complement you. Well, if you really want someone to do that, to be the ideal fit for you and your world, sometimes that takes time because, let's all be real for just a sec—if all we wanted was a date or a warm body to be around, that comes a dime a dozen. What most of us want is something much more special than that. Sometimes, we have to be single for a while in order for that to happen.
There's another definition of this synonym for "single" that I want you to take special note of, though. Did you know that "special" also means "having a specific or particular function, purpose, etc."? All of us are God's children and, according to Psalm 33:15(NKJV), "He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works." You don't have a specific purpose once you are in a relationship. You have a calling on your life regardless of whether you ever end up with someone or not. By the mere fact that the Most High has appointed you to something that absolutely no one else can do, especially in the way that you can do it, that makes you very special. For now, a very special single person. Never forget that.
5.Peerless
Once upon a time, there was a guy I loved who couldn't decide how he felt about me. More specifically, he couldn't figure out what to do about the feelings that he had. Every few months or so, he'd tell me that although he wasn't ready for the kind of relationship that I wanted (marriage), he couldn't deny the fact that a woman like me doesn't come around every day. Of course, she doesn't, sir.
I am peerless. All single women who know their worth and value are.
Is "peerless" another synonym for "single"? Absolutely. It means that you have no rival or competitor. Keeping this in mind, even on the lonely days, when it seems like everyone and their grandma has someone in their life but you, don't look at it as being overlooked. Choose to instead see it as you being so supreme (another definition of "peerless") that it doesn't make sense for you to be out here just dating "anybody". You are deserving of the kind of man who is like, "Damn girl, I can't let you get away because I'll never run up on a woman like you again!" Then nod in agreement because he's right. After all, you are peerless.
6.Exceptional
This is a synonym for "single" that is also pretty dope. To be exceptional is to be more than the average of something. To be exceptional is also to be extraordinary, and to be extraordinary is to be remarkable, noteworthy and "beyond what is established".
There is something that I really like about being exceptional as it specifically relates to being single. It's the fact that my status gives me the opportunity to represent single living in a way that goes beyond folks thinking that something is wrong because I'm not married or a mom (a great read about this very point is "Tracee Ellis Ross Doesn't Subscribe To Society's Deadlines").
"Single" is not some sort of relational purgatory or holding pattern until a man comes along. Singleness affords me the time and space to do some things that my married friends aren't always able to do with the same amount of focus and ease.
Single women (and men) are out here accomplishing some pretty amazing things. In part, because their relational status affords them the ability to do so. Honey, you are exceptional. And don't sleep. In many ways, being single is an exceptional thing to be too.
7.Rare
"Rare" is another synonym for "single". Amazing, huh? When I was reviewing its definitions, something that kept coming up was the word "unusually"—unusually great, unusually excellent…stuff like that. This means that to be rare is to be uncommon; in its proper context, that can be a really good thing.
All of this is interesting to me because, when I think of "rare" as it relates to being single, virginity comes to mind. Not in the sense of singleness and virginity going hand in hand (I'm single and ain't nowhere close to being a virgin!); it's more like, I know virgins who don't like being uncommon in the sense of never having had sex before and I know single women who are super uncomfortable with being uncommon in their circle when it comes to not being in a relationship or married.
In both instances, I'm kinda like, "Why don't we alter our perspective a bit here?" Just because you're not (currently) sexually active and/or seeing someone, that doesn't mean something is wrong with you. By choosing not to settle, by waiting until the man and time are truly right for you, that automatically makes you unusually great and unusually excellent. Waiting will bring you the kind of rareness that you, yourself, already are. Never lose sight of that.
8.Private
Privacy speaks to something belonging to one individual only. I remember a wife once telling me, "Girl, the loneliest night in bed alone beats being in a miserable marriage any day." Say that, sis! It's important to also keep in mind that private is synonymous with "single". This means that when we think of being single, we should relish in the fact that what we have is ours and ours alone. We don't have to share our bed, our resources, our time or anything else in the name of compromise in order to make a relationship work or last.
Like oh so many married women tell me, while marriage does have its benefits, the privacy of singleness is something that all of them grieve from time to time. Because of that, they make sure to tell me to never take for granted. I don't.
9.Individual
Another definition of "single" is individual. On the surface, you probably get the gist of what it is to be an individual. However, let this definition simmer on your spirit for just a moment—"separate or distinct, especially from others of its kind". Something that really does bother me is how many single women overlook their individuality and, instead, compare themselves to other women. According to what this definition of "single" is, whenever any of us do that, we're not living out the true meaning of the word.
A woman who revels in her singleness does so, in part, because she knows that her status alone defines her as being someone who is supposed to be and live unlike anyone else.
Being single is all about celebrating one's individuality. How often do you do that?
10. Without Equal
The final synonym for single that I want to round all of this out with is "without equal". When something or someone is equal to something or someone else, it basically means that it's just as great as it is; that it brings balance to it.
Until someone comes along who you can, without question or hesitation, profess that he is as great as you are, be "without equal". And be OK with that. As you've just seen, all that it means in the meantime is that you're single. And girl, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with that!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
If You're Not In Love With Being Single, Ask Yourself These 6 Questions
Quick & Easy Self-Esteem Hacks That Will Have You Feeling Yourself
7 Daily Affirmations Every Single Woman Needs To Speak Over Their Lives
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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