Why Being Over 40 And Still Single Is Not The Red Flag You Think It Is
I feel the need to preface all of this by saying that, yes, I am single, over 40, and have never been married.
No, it does not make me a red flag when it comes to me being perceived as “dateable" or “un-dateable". I think it is only fair that I debunk a few assumptions typically affiliated with women of my status:
One: I do want to get married someday.
However, divorce runs more-than-rampant in my family and I have no desire to continue the tradition. I'm being selective in my choice and if that means getting married at 60 and dying at 80, hey, it was still a good 20-year run. I'm good with that.
Two: It's not for a lack of opportunity.
As a marriage life coach, I've seen people “talk themselves into" getting married whether it's because they're horny, their biological clock is ticking, they're afraid to be alone, or they think they can't do better than the one who asked. Listen, if you have to convince yourself to marry someone, you both deserve better.
And more.
Three: It wasn't in my plans to be 42 and still single.
However, I do a lot of research and I know that getting married under 25 doesn't bring the best results. I also know that biblically, 30 symbolizes “maturity for ministry" so somewhere in the 30s is a really nice age to even start to consider marriage, especially when it comes to men. Plus, sometimes life is just so MUCH, so FULL, and so DEMANDING, that time flies.
So, with all of that out of the way, I'm going to spare you a hyper-defensive rant about how I don't need a man or want one. I love men! I need and want one. Just not in a needy way and being in my 40s helped to bring me to that place of peace where I can see myself needing a man without any of the needy behaviors that once came with it.
Below are the lessons I learned along the decades about love and relationships and ultimately why I am OK with waiting for the love I deserve:
When you're in your 20s, you want someone who is cute.
This doesn't apply to all 20-somethings, but it was my (and my friends at the time) personal experience that during that decade, you're still trying to figure out who the heck you are. Sometimes, unfortunately, you'll allow others---whether it's unhealthy friends, bad boyfriends, or the media---tell you who you are. And if you believe the lying hype and you don't think you're pretty enough, smart enough, worthy enough, whoever tells you that you are, you're so thankful for their validation that you settle. Or, you don't think you're attractive, so you go on a mission to find someone who comes in a pretty package to prove that you're not as ugly as you think you are.
20-somethings reading this, listen: I dated a lot of cutie pies. They about took my uterus out. Aim higher.
When you're in your 30s, you want a relationship.
Honestly, for me, my 30s was about healing from my 20s! No joke. And when you're in the process of getting your own self (back) together, it's an act of love to do it in solitude. The “broken you" tends to see life very differently than the whole you. That means you tend to be attracted to different kinds of people too. My last boyfriend was around 31. We stopped having sex when I was 32. I liked the comfort of being in a relationship, but it always felt like something was missing.
And there was.
In your early 30s, you realize you want a relationship. In your late 30s, you realize you want an awesome relationship---or not one at all. At least those of us who've learned from our past come to this conclusion.
When you're in your 40s, you want someone who can fix your car.
It's funny but true. Although I'm in my early 40s and I'm sure I'll have some revelations at 50 about this statement, for now I know this: In your 40s, you've been there/done that more than you'd like to admit. You've seen the romantic chick flicks and had your fair share of trying to imitate them in real life. Now you're more practical. You still want love. You still desire passion. Shoot, I've been not gettin' any for too long now to not expect some mind-blowing sex!
But you want someone who complements your life, who you can be honest with about your dreams, and who will rub your feet when you've been grinding the payment all day.
Someone who you won't have to worry about calling AAA about regarding your car because he's got the solution, who you can pillow talk with, pray with, conquer the world better together than apart with.
Looks are a bonus.
Character means more.
Charming is not a priority.
Being spiritually solid is.
Mature, proactive, intentional. These are the words you find yourself using when describing what you're looking for.
My 40s have brought me to this place – a place of not wanting the fairy tale, a place of wanting to be a whole woman with a whole man in a real love.
My being 42 and not married is not some red flag. It's a badge of honor. Real talk.
I wrote a book about my over 10 and under 15 sex partners, and four abortions in my first bookInside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
Although I've made some mistakes, I've been abstinent for going on a decade now. To get something you've never had, do something you've never done, right? These four decades taught me some things, that have made me, me.
My being 42 and not married is a blessing. For my present self and my future beloved.
Same goes for any other woman who can feel me.
Do you feel me?
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Franco Zulueta
'Tis The Season For Nail Glam: Holiday Manis For Every Festive Mood
The holidays are an exciting time to enjoy our family and decorate our hearts out. Our Christmas tree, dining table, and style all begin to reflect the joy we feel in the season, but what about our nails? Our nails are the star of the show this time of year. They are the part of ourselves people will see when we pass around presents and Christmas dinner.
Gifting ourselves the self-care we always deserve is a no-brainer, but sometimes we can become overwhelmed with choices.
There are many different nail designs and shapes to choose from, so it can be hard to settle on one. Kia Stewart is a talented celebrity nail artist. Her love for prioritizing nail health and design has gained her an immense amount of respect in the industry. Stewart is always mindful of paying attention to her audience for trends, which has helped her stay ahead of the game. “Recently, full chrome has made a significant comeback, and the classic French manicure remains timeless. 3D nails are trending on TikTok daily, though cat-eye and airbrush styles seem to have taken a backseat this year,” says Stewart.
As far as shapes, Stewart has noticed a huge trend in almond shapes. She believes this is due to the shape being timeless and truly chic. This includes sizes of all kinds. Tis the season to indulge in short and long almond-shaped nails. “Longer styles reminiscent of the ‘90s, complete with deep French tips and vibrant reds. I enjoy the diversity in preferences, as it keeps my work interesting. But the most common trend is self-expression, everyone is wearing nails that speak to them. I champion that it’s a mood.” Keep reading to see Stewart’s work for nail inspiration this holiday season.
Almond Bliss
Want your nails to reflect the gifts under the Christmas tree this year? Try this simple, yet totally festive nail design. Stewart uses the colors red and green to create a minimal nail design that gets its point across. This style can be approached with your natural nails or acrylic if you’re looking to add length.
French Manicure
As Stewart mentioned, a French manicure will never go out of style. However, if you’re looking to spice things up, we recommend playing with color. Incorporating a deep red French tip can be just as chic as traditional white. You can even add a present design (as seen here) if you want your French to be bold. The beauty of this is that you have the freedom to express yourself as you wish.
Deep Red
If Beyoncé is doing deep red, then we should definitely do it too! This deep red seems to be the color of the fall and winter seasons. Keep things elevated with a classic deep red on your hands, or mix it up! You can pair this deep red with white, like in this photo. Having deep red as your base will keep things interesting without having to try as hard.
Chrome
These nails are perfect New Year's Eve inspo for the season. The gold and black are giving us more reason to celebrate this year despite its difficulties. Get into the season with effortless chrome nails and a cool design to match. Watch out, 2025; we are coming for you!
Vibrant Red
The best part about the holiday season is that we can embrace the colors and put our nudes to rest. This vibrant red with gold chrome undertone is a fun way to enter into the happiest time of the year. Leave the red as it is, or add white stripes to create a candy cane look. Either way, you cannot go wrong with this traditional holiday color.
Don’t Be So Green
It’s time green enters the chat this holiday season. Adding a shape of deep green to your nail aesthetic can be a different approach to typical holiday designs. We also love the hint of gold and glitter in this design to add texture and contrast. Step into your green era and go outside the traditional holiday box.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by @tylauren, courtesy of Kia Stewart @__luxk