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Why Being Over 40 And Still Single Is Not The Red Flag You Think It Is
I feel the need to preface all of this by saying that, yes, I am single, over 40, and have never been married.
No, it does not make me a red flag when it comes to me being perceived as “dateable" or “un-dateable". I think it is only fair that I debunk a few assumptions typically affiliated with women of my status:
One: I do want to get married someday.
However, divorce runs more-than-rampant in my family and I have no desire to continue the tradition. I'm being selective in my choice and if that means getting married at 60 and dying at 80, hey, it was still a good 20-year run. I'm good with that.
Two: It's not for a lack of opportunity.
As a marriage life coach, I've seen people “talk themselves into" getting married whether it's because they're horny, their biological clock is ticking, they're afraid to be alone, or they think they can't do better than the one who asked. Listen, if you have to convince yourself to marry someone, you both deserve better.
And more.
Three: It wasn't in my plans to be 42 and still single.
However, I do a lot of research and I know that getting married under 25 doesn't bring the best results. I also know that biblically, 30 symbolizes “maturity for ministry" so somewhere in the 30s is a really nice age to even start to consider marriage, especially when it comes to men. Plus, sometimes life is just so MUCH, so FULL, and so DEMANDING, that time flies.
So, with all of that out of the way, I'm going to spare you a hyper-defensive rant about how I don't need a man or want one. I love men! I need and want one. Just not in a needy way and being in my 40s helped to bring me to that place of peace where I can see myself needing a man without any of the needy behaviors that once came with it.
Below are the lessons I learned along the decades about love and relationships and ultimately why I am OK with waiting for the love I deserve:
When you're in your 20s, you want someone who is cute.
This doesn't apply to all 20-somethings, but it was my (and my friends at the time) personal experience that during that decade, you're still trying to figure out who the heck you are. Sometimes, unfortunately, you'll allow others---whether it's unhealthy friends, bad boyfriends, or the media---tell you who you are. And if you believe the lying hype and you don't think you're pretty enough, smart enough, worthy enough, whoever tells you that you are, you're so thankful for their validation that you settle. Or, you don't think you're attractive, so you go on a mission to find someone who comes in a pretty package to prove that you're not as ugly as you think you are.
20-somethings reading this, listen: I dated a lot of cutie pies. They about took my uterus out. Aim higher.
When you're in your 30s, you want a relationship.
Honestly, for me, my 30s was about healing from my 20s! No joke. And when you're in the process of getting your own self (back) together, it's an act of love to do it in solitude. The “broken you" tends to see life very differently than the whole you. That means you tend to be attracted to different kinds of people too. My last boyfriend was around 31. We stopped having sex when I was 32. I liked the comfort of being in a relationship, but it always felt like something was missing.
And there was.
In your early 30s, you realize you want a relationship. In your late 30s, you realize you want an awesome relationship---or not one at all. At least those of us who've learned from our past come to this conclusion.
When you're in your 40s, you want someone who can fix your car.
It's funny but true. Although I'm in my early 40s and I'm sure I'll have some revelations at 50 about this statement, for now I know this: In your 40s, you've been there/done that more than you'd like to admit. You've seen the romantic chick flicks and had your fair share of trying to imitate them in real life. Now you're more practical. You still want love. You still desire passion. Shoot, I've been not gettin' any for too long now to not expect some mind-blowing sex!
But you want someone who complements your life, who you can be honest with about your dreams, and who will rub your feet when you've been grinding the payment all day.
Someone who you won't have to worry about calling AAA about regarding your car because he's got the solution, who you can pillow talk with, pray with, conquer the world better together than apart with.
Looks are a bonus.
Character means more.
Charming is not a priority.
Being spiritually solid is.
Mature, proactive, intentional. These are the words you find yourself using when describing what you're looking for.
My 40s have brought me to this place – a place of not wanting the fairy tale, a place of wanting to be a whole woman with a whole man in a real love.
My being 42 and not married is not some red flag. It's a badge of honor. Real talk.
I wrote a book about my over 10 and under 15 sex partners, and four abortions in my first bookInside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
Although I've made some mistakes, I've been abstinent for going on a decade now. To get something you've never had, do something you've never done, right? These four decades taught me some things, that have made me, me.
My being 42 and not married is a blessing. For my present self and my future beloved.
Same goes for any other woman who can feel me.
Do you feel me?
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."