
6 Solid Reasons To Consider A Season Of Abstinence In The New Year

A couple of months ago, I was catching up with a male friend of mine who knew me back when I was throwin’ it back. OK, I guess I need to qualify that a little better because, he has never known me in the biblical sense; what I mean is, he knew me back when I was sexually active. “OK, so how many years is it about to be?” he asked. What’s funny is he sounded more stressed out about my abstinence than I did! It’s actually going to be 15 years this coming January 9 and chile, CHILE. I never would’ve thought. As far as my own journey, you can read about some of it via an article that I wrote on the topic a whopping three years ago (“I've Been Abstinent For 12 Years. Here's How.”).
And while I know that a lot of y’all probably think that it is beyond insane that I’ve been “without” for so long when I write about sex so much, to that I’ll just say — when I was having sex, I was having sex (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”). Plus, I did used to work with a ministry that people out of porn (check out “Working For A Porn Ministry Got Me Over Watching Porn”) and I do work with couples for a living as a marriage life coach. All of this can serve as a myriad of cautionary tales.
Don’t get me wrong — I like sex. I LIKE SEX A LOT (yes, I am yelling it!). It’s just that my season of abstinence has taught me how to approach it differently, including how to see it from more angles than merely relational maintenance and physical pleasure. The 15-year bit (or bid — LOL) is more about, the more I learn about myself, the purposes of sex and watch how the world is damn near losing its mind over the “surface level benefits” of it, I just want to make sure that I don’t return to the hamster wheel from which I came. Not only that but I value “her” (you know what I mean) more than I ever have.
Plus, it can help me to share all of what I’m about to say from so-much-clearer perspective. Because while I get that most of y’all will never (EVER) wanna say you’ve gone without some good-good for 15 years of your life, I do hope (if you’re single, of course) that you’ll consider at least a few months to a year of abstinence at some point in the game. Here’s why.
1. You Can Fully “Detox” Your Past
For the most part, I’m cool with all of my past sex partners. I’m not saying that we’re homies or anything yet there is enough peace between us to the point that we can run into each other and genuinely be happy to see each other too (check out “Why Every Woman Should Go On A 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back' Tour”; it helped). In fact, not too long ago, I ran into a past partner and we chopped it up in a grocery store parking lot for about an hour or so. It was actually really refreshing to be in his space, laugh and joke, and then walk away not…feeling some type of way, especially since he was one of my “climbing the ceiling” guys (it was good and I ain’t ashamed to say it). While we were both fully aware that we had been sexually involved for a few years back in the day, it now seemed like a lifetime ago and whatever happened/didn’t happen back then was pretty much irrelevant now.
The same thing goes for my first love. After us both emotionally going round and round and round for decades (literally), I finally came to a place where I didn’t want to try and relive anything. I’m pretty sure you’ve heard that until you learn your lesson, the universe will keep on bringing it back to you. Well, there has always been a part of me who wanted us to get back together because he was young the first round and I wanted to because I was “green” the first round. Sex was not exempt from this. However, because I have been able to purge him out of me — him, along with the other 13 guys — I can now see things, not from the angle of being on my back (pun intended) but a 30,000 feet view of sexual sobriety. I have been able to separate how the sex made me feel from how the relationship did and why I chose the people that I did. It has been revelatory like a mug too.
Detoxing is literally about going through a process of getting toxins out of your system so that you can overcome physical as well as psychological dependence on something — or someone. It’s real easy to say (or think) that you don’t need to do this when it comes to sex and people…until you’re actually abstinent and can look at things from the perspective that it provides.
2. You Can Figure Out What You Want Besides Good…Well, You Know
Another article that I once wrote for the platform is about casual sex and why I think that term is one of the greatest oxymorons of our time (you can check it out here). One of the reasons why it literally grates my soul is because casual means things like “without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing” and “seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned” and even if, for some reason, you see sex this way, why in the world would you want someone to approach you in this kind of headspace and heart space?
When you’re out here getting good D, you can kind of rationalize your way out of this point, even if it’s ultimately to your detriment, because sometimes how a person makes you feel during the act of sexual intimacy causes you to think that they value you in other ways when that isn’t always, automatically or necessarily the case at all. I believe I’ve shared with y’all before that I’ve got a male friend of mine who once told me (after I asked him how guys can just have sex with folks and not care about them whatever), “Do you think it’s intimate if I jack off in the shower? Jack off in the shower, jack off in a girl. One just feels better than the other when there is no connection.”
You know, we’ve really gotta free ourselves from thinking that just because we want sex to affect or alter our dynamic with someone then that means that it will. We also need to take some personal accountability for when we ignore what I just said and things don’t go as planned.
Abstinence played a huge role in me getting — and I mean, really getting — these points into the depths of my spirit. It’s also a part of the reason why I can write about sex all day long, sometimes like I just had it last night, and not feel rushed to run out and get some, just to do so. I’ve had good sex — great sex, even — multiple times. What I have only had a handful of, though, is holistically healthy and fulfilling relationships. And like I say often until there is a condom for the heart, I have to make sure that I protect — and by “protect”, I mean fully value — all of me. More has to be good than just the d--k.
Abstinence has helped to raise this bar. Exponentially so.
3. You Can Get Your Health Fully on Track
I do interviews fairly often. Whenever the topic of my past sex life comes up, something that I am sometimes asked is what my "ultimate low” was. Now that I’ve made peace with not having children, I’d probably have to say that my four abortions top the list (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”). Another sucky time was when I found out that I had chlamydia, mono, and strep throat, all at the same time, and was told by my doctor that the STD appeared to have been dormant in my system for a couple of years (chile). Oh, and then there’s the Thanksgiving week when I had unprotected sex with three of my exes (by “exes”, I mean, one ex-boyfriend and two former sex partners). I’m not sure why I did that. What I can say is the sex with all three was physically great in different ways and I remember just not wanting to do a lot of thinking or feeling during that time.
Anyway, during those seasons (and honestly, so many other times too), between bladder infections (check out “BDE: Please Let The ‘It Needs To Be Huge’ Myth Go”), yeast infections (condoms and I weren’t always the best of friends), playing around with different kinds of birth control, pregnancies and pregnancy scares, abortion recovery — my body was pretty worn out. I needed some time to just…be to myself, get to know my body (check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey” and “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) and get my pH and hormones back on track. The last time I had sex, I was 32 and I must say that from about 36 on, my reproductive health is better than it’s ever been. Honestly, my health, period, is better than it’s ever been.
Sometimes you need a season of abstinence, just to learn about your grown woman self from a physical- and health-related standpoint. You need time to prioritize your well-being outside of sex with a man so that you can understand your womanhood on a whole ‘nother level.
4. You Can Reconcile Your Sexuality with Your Spirituality
Chalk it up to my age if you want to. Maybe my church upbringing has something to do with it too. But to me, it’s really sad how much people think that sex is ONLY a physical act. It’s like folks are out here really thinking that they are no more than talking dogs in heat (which is a part of the reason why I will never get down with calling men “dogs” or us “bitches;” there are many ways subconscious “programming” affects and infects us) when actually, for us humans, sex is supposed to be out so much more than that.
While, on some levels, unfortunately, a lot of us tend to only associate things being spiritual with them being about a particular religion, you can check out articles like “7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone”, “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?” and “Here's Exactly How To Start Protecting Your Spirit” to know that I think it goes way past that. For instance, what I’ve oftentimes read is the spirit is defined as being our intellect, emotions, fears, passions, and creativity.
And while yes, I do believe, in part because the Bible says so (I Corinthians 6:16-20 — Message), that there is some sacredness to sex, even if you move past holy books (because the Torah and Quran pretty much advocate for the same points about sex as the Bible does), shoot the mere fact that copulation is an act that can create new human life — doesn’t that mean that it deserves to be approached from a very spiritual space? Doesn’t it make sense that it can affect — and, if we’re not careful, even infect — things like our intellect and emotions…that, if we’re not careful, it can cultivate fear, that it definitely taps into our passions and, it can even expand how we see things creatively?
Sometimes, when you’re too busy out here having sex, you can’t really process things on this kind of level. Committing to a season of abstinence to pray, meditate and consider how it is affecting your life on a spiritual level? That is never not a good thing to do.
5. You Can Define What Good Sex Is to/for You
A couple of articles that I’d like you to check out when you get a chance are “Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner”, “What If The Sex Is Great? But The Relationship Sucks.” and “What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be”. Oh, and one more —“Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?”. Back when I first became sexually active with my first love and then with, as my first book calls it, another guy who was my first lust, sex was super fascinating to me because I was discovering so many things that I hadn’t experienced before. Because of that, I wasn’t really wondering if sex was good FOR me or not; since it was good TO me, that’s all I really cared about.
Oh, but let a little bit of time and a higher sense of self come into the mix and you really do start to ask yourself — both in and outside of the bedroom — if the things that you are doing are actually good for your mind, body and spirit long-term. When it comes to sex specifically, if it’s doing more for you other than making you feel good for a few minutes…you really begin to ask yourself if the days, weeks, and months following can confirm that an hour of your time was really worthwhile.
Only you can answer that. What I will say is when something is good FOR you, it makes you holistically a better person. It doesn’t just make you feel good, it helps to elevate you as a human being. When it comes to this point, not just the act of sex needs to be factored in, so does who you’re having sex with. Again, only you can answer this question; to this, what I will say is you tend to be biased when you’re actually having sex. Going without for a season can help you to be far more objective — about the act and your partner.
6. You Can Figure Out How Sex Should “Fit” into Your Future
One of the main questions that I get asked about my abstinence is when do I think it will end? Ideally marriage, mostly because I’ve done it in every other relational dynamic (including engagement; my fiancé died a long time ago). I just like the level of commitment that comes with that type of union. Plus, this culture is getting stranger and stranger in that lane and the STDs just keep getting more and more resistant to treatment since I was active. We’ll see, though, because something else that life has taught me is, you really do need to be careful about the use/misuse of “always” and “never”. I’d like to be married but I’m in no rush to jump a broom (another article for another time) and so…like I said, we’ll see.
I will say this, though — never again will I take a casual, flippant, or even popular-in-this-society approach to sex. I know, far too well, how an act in the present can totally alter my future. It’s happened a myriad of times before. These days, sex needs to come with as much inner peace as it does physical pleasure. Until I’m as sure as possible that it will play out that way…I’m good.
As for you, whether it’s a couple of months, a year, or more, I promise you that once you return to sex, you too will think about if how you’re doing it and who you’re doing it with is best for you as it relates to who you are, where you are in your life and what you want for yourself, moving forward. A part of the reason why is because a season of abstinence is actually about “reprogramming yourself” to think long and hard with the future in mind. It’s about processing how you want sex to fit into your lifestyle as you continue to evolve.
This was a lot. I already know. Yet you know what? Contrary to popular belief (or ignorance), SEX IS A LOT. Refraining, even just for a little bit, can never be a bad thing when you see all of the good that can come from it. So, as you prepare to go into another year, at least give being abstinent some thought. Anything that can cause you to become a better person is always worth it, even if it takes some getting used to…right? Most definitely.
I am certainly a testament to that.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your February 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Self-Love & Soulful Alignment
Explore your sign’s 2025 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
February is a coming together, as a culmination of community and abundance is evident. Some significant planets go direct this month after being retrograde since this past year, and we can finally take a deep breath. We walk into the month in Aquarius season, and the focus during this time is on coming together with the people you resonate with on a soul level, opening your heart to love, and gaining perspective in the process. When the Sun is in Aquarius, everything feels more electrified and inspiring, and this is one of the best months of the year to manifest and set your intentions.On Feb. 4, Venus enters Aries, Jupiter goes direct in Gemini, and the energy and passion return. Venus in Aries is fiery, dynamic, and puts self-love first. While Venus is in Aries for the entire month, February is all about going after the things you want in love, and trusting that you will be supported here. Jupiter goes direct on the same day after being retrograde since Oct. 9, and we can see our blessings manifest more effortlessly now, especially regarding communication matters, networking, short travels, education, and the mind. Jupiter finishes its Gemini transit on Jun. 9, so over the next few months, this is a good time to expand your mind and your vision, get creative, and meet new people.
What February 2025 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
The Full Moon of February occurs in Leo on the 12th, and this is the Snow Moon of the year. This Full Moon brings emotions to the surface and creates self-clarity and honesty in the process. This Full Moon is a time to let go of old versions or ideas of yourself that don’t align with who you are today and to focus on what feels authentic and empowering for you right now.
On Valentine's Day, Mercury enters Pisces until Mar. 3, and the mind is on love right now.
While Mercury is in Pisces, we speak in words of poetry and spirituality, and mental connections turn into romantic ones. This is a beautiful energy to walk into on the day of love, signifying an urge to be around people who truly understand you right now.
Pisces season begins on Feb. 18, and we move into a time of closure, healing, creativity, and introspection. On Feb. 23, Mars goes direct in Cancer after being retrograde here since Jan. 6, and being retrograde in general since Dec. 6. With Mars now direct, there is more energy and direction at our disposal, and less confusion on where to go from here. Mars will be direct in Cancer until Apr. 18, and there is a lot of love, support, and intuition to be felt right now. Mars in Cancer supports others while also cherishing boundaries, and this is a good time to feel more stability in matters of the home and heart.
We end the month with a New Moon in Pisces on Feb. 27, and this is a time of magic, dreams coming to fruition, and romance in the air.
A New Moon in Pisces reminds us that what has been lost always comes back around in a new form, and helps us see what our heart is grateful for right now. This is a great New Moon to set your intentions for the future and to dream the dream. Overall, February is an inspiring and enlightening month, and your heart is the one leading the way right now.
Read for your Sun and Rising Sign below to see what February has in store for you.
ARIES
February is all about love for you, Aries. You are thriving within relationship matters as Venus is in your sign for most of this month. Venus moves into Aries on Feb. 4 and will be here until Mar. 27, however, Venus will be going retrograde in your sign on Mar. 1. So, use February to walk into some new beginnings in love, but remember to take your time with things here as well. You are overall feeling more reciprocity, support, and positive recognition now, and self-love is key this month.
On Feb. 12, we have a Full Moon in fellow fire sign Leo, and this Full Moon occurs in your 5th house of romance.
This is a beautiful Full Moon for seeing love bloom and for experiencing a sense of fulfillment that brings you closer to another. Before the month ends, Mars goes direct after being retrograde in an area of your life having to do with the home, family, close loved ones, and emotional stability. With Mars now direct here, new foundations can be built in your world, and you feel more supported and secure as you end the month.
TAURUS
This month is a time to reflect, accept, and move into your new beginning, Taurus. There is a lot to process this month, and with the Sun in your 10th house for most of February, a lot of your focus right now is on your goals, purpose, and life path. The Full Moon happening mid-month is an opportunity for you to see things clearer in the home, and to create space for more support and nourishment here. You are letting go of what is weighing you down or making your emotional world feel more difficult to process this month.
Mercury enters your 11th house of hope, community, friendship, and manifestation on Valentine’s Day this year, and you move into a time of inspiration. You are thinking of all the things that make you feel empowered, loved, and in tune, and it’s time to create more of this energy around yourself. We have a New Moon in this same area of your chart before the month ends on Feb. 27, and you are ready to look forward in life rather than at the past of what could have been.
Overall, this month is about listening to your heart and spending more time taking care of yourself.
GEMINI
February is a chance to take a break, Gemini. You need more time to process and prepare for what’s ahead of you, and you are taking the time to do so this month. February begins with Jupiter going direct in your sign after being retrograde here since Oct. 9. Jupiter, the planet of blessings, will be direct in your sign until Jun. 9, and won’t be here again for another decade. This is your opportunity to set intentions, focus on your dreams, and make some important achievements happen.
Extra good luck and support from the universe are with you now, and the key for you is to let things come to you naturally through patience and dedication.
On Feb. 12, there is a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication, and some important culminations are coming through in matters of the mind. You are coming to some conclusions about something, and it’s changing your perspective overall. Before the month ends we have a New Moon in an area of your life having to do with your career, professional world, and reputation, and this is a good time to set your intentions for what goals you want to see through right now.
CANCER
February is a month of enlightenment, Cancer. You are aligned with the path you are walking on right now, and everything is starting to make a little more sense to your heart. This month we have a Full Moon in your 12th house of closure, and you are moving away from an emotionally heavy space. You are letting go of a lot of what has kept you conflicted, and there is a sense of peace that is being obtained in the process. This is your month of inspiring others through your resilience and gift of forgiveness.
Mars goes direct in your sign on Feb. 23 after being retrograde here since Jan. 6. With Mars retrograde in your sign since we began the year, there has been a lot for you to reflect on and emotionally process, and you are seeing yourself and your life with a new perspective and passion. Mars will be in Cancer until Apr. 18, and this is the time to take action on the things that you haven’t been ready to move forward with these past few months. On Feb. 27, we have a New Moon in Pisces, and you are leaving the month in the mood for an adventure.
This is the time to get out of your comfort zone, travel, or do something fun.
LEO
February is about protecting your energy and what you are bringing to fruition in your life, Leo. With a Full Moon in your sign mid-month, you are moving through a time of culmination, release, and inner clarity, and there is a lot to reflect on right now. You are recognizing your need to create boundaries from those who don’t serve you or your life path and are focusing on the things that feel good for you.
With the Sun in your 7th house of love for most of the month as well, you are gaining clarity on the relationships you want to move forward with, and where you need to create more space.
Venus is in Aries and in your 5th house of romance, self-expression, creativity, and joy for most of the month, and your heart is yearning for some excitement. When it comes to love in February, opportunities are coming to the surface for you to get out of your head and into your heart, heed the call. At the end of the month, Mars goes direct in your 12th house of closure, and you are moving into a breakthrough. You end February with less weight on your shoulders and more energy to just be.
VIRGO
Trust your intuition this month, Virgo. February is a month of getting organized, gaining clarity, and feeling purposeful. With Jupiter going direct in your 10th house at the start of the month, blessings follow through regarding your career and professional world. The intentions you have been setting and going over these past few months, are coming to fruition for you now, and you are being recognized and supported for your efforts here. This is a month of feeling a level up in your life, and like you are where you want to be.
Mars goes direct on Feb. 23, after being retrograde in an area of your life having to do with friendship, community, and your hopes and dreams over the past month or so. With Mars now direct in Cancer, it’s easier for you to feel hopeful and to see and experience the magic in life. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in your sister sign Pisces on Feb. 27, and love takes on a new beginning. This New Moon is one of the best of the year for you to set your intentions for love, and trust where your heart is being called to right now.
LIBRA
February is all about perspective and the intentions you are setting in your life through the thoughts you are thinking, Libra. The Sun is in your house of romance and Venus is in your house of partnership for most of the month, and there is a lot to look forward to right now. New developments are coming to fruition within your relationships, and you are reaping what you have sown, feeling grateful for what has come to fruition for you.
This is a beautiful month for travel, moving forward in your partnerships, and feeling more commitment and support in doing so.
With Jupiter also going direct this month, your home life and foundations see improvements and expansion. Anywhere you have been feeling limited here is being lifted for you now, and you are able to breathe and think bigger about what is possible for you and your sense of stability in life. The Full Moon happening on Feb. 12, is a chance for you to connect with the people who inspire you, and to let go of anything that doesn’t feel authentic to who you are today or how you feel about things.
SCORPIO
February is a month of feeling loved, Scorpio. Everything's coming together for you exactly how you have envisioned it, and with the Sun in your house of family, support, and foundations, you are feeling closer to your loved ones in the process. We have a Full Moon in your 10th house of career in mid-February, and culminations are coming through in your professional world, as recognition for your efforts and hard work are here for you now. This Full Moon is about taking the time to congratulate yourself for how far you have come and to feel gratitude for your progress in life.
On Feb. 23, Mars goes direct in fellow water sign Cancer, after being retrograde in an area of your life having to do with travel, adventure, spirituality, and education over the past month or so. With Mars now direct, travel plans follow through and it’s easier for you to see the bigger picture. The New Moon of the month takes place on Feb. 27, and this is a beautiful time for you to experience joy and pleasure. You are ending the month by making your inner child happy, showing up, and connecting with the love that surrounds you now.
SAGITTARIUS
This month is a transition month for you, Sagittarius. You are moving on from what has been, and a few of you may even be moving physically or traveling during this time. This is a month of getting into new energy and letting things go where it is needed. February begins with your ruling planet Jupiter going direct after being retrograde since last fall, and you are able to experience more of the blessings in love that you have been looking for.
Love turns a new page this month, and it’s because you are no longer settling for things that don’t align with what you want for yourself or your future.
On Feb. 12, a Full Moon is happening in an area of your life that has to do with your passion, inspiration, travel ventures, and perspective, and you are getting the full picture right now. This Full Moon is about accepting the truths that have come to the surface and following through on plans that you have had for yourself. Mars goes direct in your 8th house of transformation on Feb. 23, and you end the month experiencing a personal breakthrough. A lot is changing for you in February, and you are the one leading these efforts forward because you are owning the life you deserve.
CAPRICORN
A new month is here, and you are looking forward to all of the new experiences you are about to get into, Capricorn. February is an inspiring, passionate, and eye-opening month for you and you are making a lot of progress. With the Sun in your 2nd house of finances, values, and self-confidence for most of the month, you are spending a lot of your time developing new plans and intentions for yourself, especially financially. Mid-month we have a Full Moon in your 8th house of shared resources, and the support that you need to thrive and expand financially right now is becoming clearer to you.
Towards the end of the month, Mars goes direct in your sister sign Cancer, after being retrograde in an area of your life having to do with love, partnership, and harmony over the past month or so. With Mars moving forward again, so are you in love, and your relationship dynamics feel a little more balanced and empowered for you. On Feb. 27, we have a New Moon in Pisces to close out the month, and this New Moon for you is all about setting your intentions regarding communication, networking, and the ideas you want to build off of right now.
AQUARIUS
Your season is here, and everything is falling into place for you now, Aquarius. This is a month of feeling a positive culmination of everything you have been working towards, and seeing the rewards for your efforts. With the Sun in your sign until the 18th, all eyes are on you and you are focused on your personal goals, investments, and self-courage. Jupiter goes direct as we begin the month, turning things around for you in love and helping you see things with a new perspective here.
Blessings and understanding within relationship matters bloom for you now, and you can finally take a break from the confusion here.
With Venus in your 11th house of friendship for most of February, this is the month for connecting with the people who you resonate with on a soul level and giving your heart more time to enjoy the company. The Full Moon happening mid-month occurs in your opposite sign, highlighting your romantic life and sense of partnership. Love comes full circle as you let go of the past here and see the gifts of the partnerships you have been building in your life.
PISCES
February is your month of abundance and opportunities, Pisces. There is a lot to tend to this month, but you have the empowerment and passion to do so. Jupiter goes direct in your 4th house as the month begins, and you are feeling stronger foundations emotionally and within the home right now. Progress is being made in the spaces that are close to the heart, and you are feeling the blessings of support and stability in your life. The Full Moon happening on Feb. 12, is about letting go of unhealthy daily routines or habits and giving yourself more space to figure out what feels right for you.
On Valentine's Day this year, Mercury enters your sign, and your mind is focused on love, understanding, and connection. The conversations you are having now are fulfilling your heart and inspiring you, and you are gaining clarity in relationship matters as well. Pisces season officially begins on Feb. 18, and it’s your time to shine, to love, and to be loved in return.
Before the month ends we have a New Moon in Pisces on Feb. 27, and this is one of the best times of the year for you to set your personal intentions, manifest, and reinvent yourself.
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When you work with couples (especially married ones), you’re gonna hear just about everything (relationship-related) eventually. Here’s what I mean: About six months ago, while in a session with a couple, after asking them both to rate their sex lives on a scale of 1-10, while the wife said “8,” the husband gave a surprising answer. “Well, the sex is like a 9 if you’re talking about intercourse but it’s like a 5.5 overall.” Huh? What does that mean? “She is silent in bed and I hate it. And no matter how much I bring it up, nothing changes.”
After about three sessions, we were able to figure out what was going on. She was self-conscious in that area, plus, she also thought that hearing wasn’t a sense, in sex, that should be a big deal. If you’re on her team, you can check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever” to grasp why that is absolutely not true. Not only does research tell us that sex sounds can help us to perform better, it can boost our (sexual) self-esteem, help us to communicate pleasure (and sometimes, displeasure) and it can also be a form of reassurance for (and from) your partner.
All of this got me to thinking: although a lot of people do actually enjoy sounds and/or words during sex, out of random curiosity, I wanted to know which ones they are — and why. And so, I got together 12 people (six men and six women) who told me what they enjoy hearing most during coitus. After reading this, please feel free to hop in the comments to share if you can relate — or if other things work for you instead.
*Middle names are used in my interview pieces so that people can speak freely*
1. Haven. 34. In a Serious Relationship.
“Cue Destiny’s Child’s ‘Say My Name,’ girl! There is nothing better than a man being inside of you and saying your name at the same time. There’s a sneaky hack to this too: It’s been my experience that men who don’t say a woman’s name then is because they don’t want to mess up and say her name with some other chick. If he says yours, there’s no one else or he doesn’t care about slipping up. Don’t challenge me on this until you’ve thought it through and tested it out. It has always worked for me.”
2. Nathaniel. 28. Single.
“I never got why people were into porn. Mostly all they are doing is moaning and screaming a lot and even that sounds fake. I like words. Tell me what feels good and what you want more of. Say it in a way that is sexy not like you’re a military instructor. I don’t like silence but if you’re gonna just make sounds and not say anything, I’m not turned on as much.”
3. Xen. 40. Married.
“Cuss words. Dirty, filthy, on-repeat cuss words. It’s funny because I don’t cuss in ‘real life’ at all, so when I first got with my now-husband and I was screaming ‘F-ck me!’, he really didn’t know how to take it. It’s not that I have a problem with cussing. I’ve just always associated it with sex, so that’s where it comes up. I won’t get into what he says back…that’s between us. We’re quite fluent in the swear words and they are excellently positioned during sex, though. Know that.”
4. Douglass. 39. Dating.
“My favorite is to be told how good I taste and to hear how a woman responds when I say the same thing to her. I don’t think women realize how self-conscious it can make us if they turn up their face at the thought of swallowing or if they spit it out in front of us. Imagine if we were that way to you? A woman who is all-in, giving and receiving, with head? She’s a fan favorite.”
Shellie here: This actually reminds me of an Instagram post that I recently watched. It’s, eh, poetic enough that you can probably watch it at work. Umm, I think. LOL. You can check it out here. Oh, and cue Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop” song too.
5. Nori. 29. Dating.
“I don’t know what it is, but any time a man whispers, ‘Whose is it?’, that is going to make me bust right there! He can’t say it; he has to whisper it and, preferably, he needs to do it right when he enters and right before he knows that I’m about to cum. It’s kind of primal in a way. Since I like intense, animalistic sex — that tracks.”
6. Jacob. 27. Engaged.
“The first time I heard a woman say, ‘Pound my p-sssy, n-gga!’, I lost it — yes, ‘it’, right there! If you’re a man who gives even half of a damn, a lot goes through your mind during sex including making sure that you are being as gentle and comfortable as possible. When you come across a woman who doesn’t give a damn about sh-t like that, who wants you to let go and be free — you’re in for a great night. You just might get turned out in the process too.”
7. Vivyca. 43. Single.
“Who doesn’t like to hear how good they feel? Just make sure that you’re as descriptive as you can be. How warm am I? How wet am I? How do I feel on you? Moan and grunt a bit in between your words. Make me understand what I feel like because I don’t know unless you tell me. Is it getting hot in here? Damn.”
8. Keith. 35. In a Serious Relationship.
“I like humming. Hum in my ear. Hum on my ear. Hum on my penis. The sensation of humming is indescribable.”
Shellie here: I did some quick research on this one. According to science, humming improves our mood and feels really good — on the giving and receiving end. So, Keith might just be onto something with this one.
9. Queen. 24. Dating.
“You ever notice how men want to come out of you, right after they nut? That annoys me [insert laughter here]! I was so used to that, that when an ex of mine would hold my hips and say, ‘I’m not ready to leave yet’ — that would sometimes make me have another orgasm. Now I’m trying to figure out how to get other guys to say it. Suggestions?”
10. Erik. 43. Single.
“I’ve been with a few bi and multilingual women in my time. I’m always excited to find that out. A woman who moans in another language? Top-tier sh-t. The accent. The new words. All of it. Nothing has been better in my book yet and I’m middle-aged!”
11. Sloanne. 35. In a Serious Relationship.
“It might sound self-involved but my favorite thing to hear during sex is mostly myself. Damn, now that I said that out loud, it REALLY sounds arrogant but hear me out! I like hearing me enjoy ‘him’. Like when I tell my man that he makes me wet or he gets me to, what’s the word — coo, it arouses me more because it’s almost like I’m not in control of what comes out of my mouth. My job requires that I be hypervigilant with what I say — I just love the vocal release that comes from sex because I can let it all out.”
12. Reid. 30. Married.
“’Mercy sex’ is awful. Men endure it because, if that’s the only way that we’re going to get some — okay. But when you’re just having sex with us to get us to not want to for the next few days, your attitude and energy are going to show it. That’s why I like it when my wife tells me not to cum yet or to stop what I’m doing because she’s not ready to. That means she’s in the moment and doesn’t want to rush. Music to a married man’s ears!”
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Again, I’m always going to believe that…vocal activity during sex is going to make sex better because even reading this had me a little tingly inside. LOL. Seriously, though, the (main) purpose of this was simply to remind you that sex is best when EVERY PART OF YOU is involved. DIY sound effects included.
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