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We Gave Up Sex After Having Our First Child
There is this order that life is supposed to follow.
Meet him.
Date him.
Love him.
Marry him.
Reproduce with him.
I've just never been that cookie-cutter. I tend to be sporadic and off-centered.
I was the type of woman who knew she wanted to be a mom and while dating, I quickly eliminated any guy who didn't fit my vision of what a father should be. When we found each other, we clicked. We vibed. We were also a bit of inseparable. I knew this man would be the father of my child. The question was, when? Would it be before or after the wedding? After the careers, after the courtship? I didn't know but I knew that I wanted it to happen when I felt ready and when I was at a time of my life when I could be the best motherly version of myself.
The one thing that I was most certain about was the fact that in the event that something happened to me, or if our relationship failed, my unborn child would have an amazing father in the man that I chose. I knew that I would have the most amazing parenting partner; one who would never leave me to be a "single parent" no matter if I were married or unmarried, if I was in a relationship with him or not. That was enough for me because I wanted to be a mom. Whether I got to be a wife and a mom would be a bonus but I definitely wanted to be a mom. It was enough for me.
So much so that at age 29, when I began to have strong feelings about wanting to become a mom, we chose not to rush into a marriage. Instead, we decided to plan a pregnancy and we decided to focus on parenting. Even while friends and family deemed my pregnancy a mistake or when people would say I got “knocked up" because they didn't see a ring, I knew that this was very well thought out. Six months of trying to get pregnant and the stress of that “two-week wait".. this was far from a mistake.
I knew that I decided to become a mom at a time in my life when I was ready and I didn't want to wait until someone gave me permission or rush those other areas in my life that I didn't consider ready. We were not ready for marriage. We knew it would come but we were not there yet. We were ready for parenthood and that is the direction we went in. Ass-backwards right? Maybe not, but definitely unconventional.
My son was 4 months old when I turned 30. Parenthood took his dad and I on a ride unlike anything we could have ever imagined but it made us stronger. It brought us closer. We learned so much about each other and we overcame many tests. After focusing on our son for the first year of his life, we were now ready to focus on us. Individually and as a unit. We had many nights of pillow talk about our new life and he spoke to me about how he had become a new man and wanted to be a better leader. I had evolved as well.
Motherhood brought this sense of serenity to my life. In the middle of all the chaos, I feel so much peace. I wanted to learn about this new person I had become. I was so proud of my decision to become a mom. It was the best decision that I had made, it made me better and I wanted to get to know this new me as quickly as possible. For me, that meant tuning in and listening closely. Eliminating distractions and becoming one with my spirituality. I began to meditate more and spend time alone.
For us, that meant getting passed the physical attraction that we had for one another and find ways other than sex to show our affection and adoration. We began to listen more, date more, and laugh more. We chose to be present in each moment we were together and we are falling more deeply in love every day.
For us, first came love, then came the baby, then came the house for our family with marriage next on our list.
Now, after the baby, we are challenging ourselves to remain abstinent until our wedding night and we are so excited about this journey. Sex is so easy when you are into each other but finding alternative ways to show that love takes a deep understanding of self and your partner. You have to be so deep into each other and willing to drown yourself in the overflow of love just to stay near.
I am in deep.
I won't let go.
What this has taught me is that things don't always work out the way society says it should. Do what feels right. Keep the end goal in mind and switch the middle part up if that makes you happy.
Kimberly Fleming is an author, speaker, and self-proclaimed motivator. Her life's mission is to encourage people to be the best versions of themselves while presently choosing happiness at each stage of their journey. Her work lives on her personal writing stage, graylove.com and on Instagram/Twitter @iam_KIMf.
Featured image by Getty Images
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This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
'Love Island USA' Star JaNa Craig On The Reality Of Black Women On Dating Shows
Love Island USA just wrapped up its sixth season, and it has been the talk of the town. According to Nielsen, it's the No. 1 show on streaming, proving it's just as entertaining as the UK version. One of the reasons this season has been successful is due to the authentic relationships formed between the islanders in the villa.
You have the sisterhood between Serena Page, JaNa Craig, and Leah Kateb, aka PPG, and the real relationship moments between couples like Serena Page and Kordell Beckham, who were named the winners of this season. The other finalists include Leah Kateb and Miguel Harichi, Nicole Jacky and Kendall Washington, and JaNa Craig and Kenny Rodriguez.
While JaNa made it to the finale with her boo Kenny, her journey in the villa was far from perfect. Viewers saw the Las Vegas native get her heart stomped on a few times after many of her connections didn't work out.
At one point, it even looked like she was getting kicked off the island. While she had a lot of support from people watching the show, it was clear that she was in a position that many Black women on reality dating shows find themselves in: not being desired.
It has been an ongoing conversation among Black women watching reality dating shows as we see time and time again that non-Black women or racially ambiguous-looking women are often chosen over Black women, especially dark-skinned women. In a discussion with Shadow and Act, JaNa opened up about the support she received from viewers.
@cineaxries i love them 🤧 #janacraig #janaandkenny #loveislandusa #foryou #peacock #loveisland #janaloveisland #xybca #kennyloveisland #janaedit #loveislandedit #janaedits #loveislandusaedit #viral #loveislandusaseason6 #foryoupage #peacocktv
"You know what’s so crazy? I’m so grateful, because when I got my phone, the way they’re making us The Princess and The Frog…I felt honored. I will be that beautiful chocolate queen if I need to be. And the comments like 'beautiful chocolate girl,' I’m like, all Black women are beautiful. There’s the whole light skin versus dark skin, which breaks my heart. I just really don’t understand that, but I will take pride and represent us well," she said.
She also candidly discussed her experience as a dark-skinned Black woman on the show. JaNa and Serena had been in the villa since the first episode, and they were the only dark-skinned Black women there. As new men aka bombshells came into the villa, they found themselves not being wanted by many of them.
"Me and Serena literally had a heart-to-heart before Kenny came in and she’s like, I just don’t think it’s fair that the Black girls don’t get enough fair chance.' Every islander that came in, we were not their top pick. And we just [thought], maybe because we’re Black girls, and the dark-skinned Black girls. It sucked," she said.
"I’m like, 'Serena, we know what we bring to the table. We’re great personalities. A guy’s going to come in for us.' That’s when we manifested what we wanted, and that’s when I manifested Kenny."
@ashleyvera__ We love to see it 🥰 #loveislandusa #loveisland #loveisland2024 #janaandkenny #loveislandseason6 #peacock #realitytv #fypage
After many failed connections, Kenny came in and immediately turned JaNa's experience around. America watched the model get the care and attention that she deserved.
"I’m not going to hold you. When I was in the bottom for a quick second, I’m like, ‘There’s no way America doesn’t [ride for us]. I know Black America had to ride for me, but maybe because I’m a dark-skinned … hmm … maybe … you feel me? And you saw the Casa Amor lineup. Beautiful, beautiful light-skinned [women]," she said.
"We looked at each other like, 'Damn, Love Island did their big one with this. And every single Casa Amor girl was like, 'You girls are gorgeous, you guys are stunning.' They expressed love. You guys are beautiful and it felt good."
Although she and Kenny came in third place, JaNa is happy that she got her man in the end. "I think the thing I’m most grateful about is the fact that this is a beautiful love story like you guys complement each other and there’s no hate toward the skin color. It’s all love and support. I love that more than anything," she said.
"That’s why I was like, 'I won,' even though I didn’t win. And the fact that Serena won, we were like, 'Yeah, run that.' Either way, we won. And I love the support from all communities."