Hormones. Adjusting to your new baby's all-over-the-place schedule. A lack of sleep. Internal body image issues. The low-key fear of getting pregnant again before you're ready (real talk). When you've just had a baby and you're trying to get back into the swing of what helped you to conceive in the first place, it can present all sorts of obstacles and issues that aren't talked about (in a public setting), nearly as much as it should be. It's not that you don't ever want to have sex again; it's more like you need some help getting from "wanting to want" to do it to actually doing it—again.
As a doula, I've helped many women (and patient partners) navigate their way through all of this. Whether you're just had a baby, you're weeks out from giving birth, or you're thinking about getting pregnant and you're wondering how it will affect your sex life on the back end, these 10 tips are practical ways for you to ease back into coitus after conceiving.
1. Get Cleared by Your Doctor
While it's a pretty standard assumption that a woman should wait for six weeks to have sex again after giving birth to a child, you might be surprised to know that many health professionals actually say that many ladies are good to go after three. It all depends on how well you're healing and if you're physically (and emotionally) up to it. But whether you experienced a vaginal birth or a cesarean (in all honesty, you probably will need six weeks in this case), it's important that you get a personal green light from your own physician before you get the party started again. Otherwise, you run the risk of contracting a uterine infection or even having some level of postpartum hemorrhaging.
2. Take a Probiotic
While this particular tip might seem a little odd, I'll break down why adding a probiotic to your diet regimen is so important. One thing that has been the reality for you, pretty much since you saw a positive sign on your pregnancy test, is your hormones have been all over the place. Well, aside from flushing out your system by eating fresh fruits, veggies and lots of water (so that detoxing can balance you back out), something else that can bring some balance to your hormonal system is a probiotic.
Since around 70 percent of our immune system is actually located in our gut, a probiotic can help to bring more good bacteria to that area of your body which will ultimately help to balance your hormones so that you can get to feeling more like your old self again.
As far as the best probiotics to take, click here for the kind of strains on the back of the bottle that you should be on the lookout for.
3. Do Some Kegels
If you had a cesarean, one thing you won't have to worry too much about is getting your vagina back into tip-top shape. But if you did experience a vaginal birth, kegels can really come to be your best friend when it comes to tightening your vaginal walls back up. While the reality is that your vagina will probably not fully return back to its pre-birth shape, time and kegels can get you close to around 80-90 percent. To tell you the truth, kegels is something that all women should do on a regular basis because, if a baby doesn't "shift" our vaginal walls, aging can cause our pelvic floor to become weaker and more fragile as well. Besides, kegels can do all sorts of other things for you like increase blood circulation to your vaginal area (which can intensify your orgasms), help to stop any bladder leakage that you might be experiencing and help to give your back and hips some additional support. For tips on how to do kegels correctly, click here.
4. Openly (and Mutually) Share Your Emotions
When you have a baby, everything is a "new normal"; to a certain degree, this includes your sex life. While it can certainly help to share what you're feeling with your physician and close friends (especially if they happen to be mothers too), the reality is they aren't the one who's having sex with you; your partner is. That's why it's so important to be willing to share your thoughts, concerns and maybe even fears with him and that you allow him to do the same with you. This isn't the time to get super defensive, self-conscious or to put up walls.
A foundational component of a thriving sex life is open communication.
The more you both allow the other to share their feelings, no matter how potentially awkward those feelings may be, the greater the chances are that the two of you will develop a newer sense of trust for one another—the more you'll feel wanted and needed on an unconditional level that goes way beyond the physical. And when two people are at this point and place, the sex has the potential to be so much better than it ever was before.
5. Bring the Romance Back In
It's kind of crazy that someone who is (usually) under 10 pounds can literally take over an entire house the moment they come inside of it. Suddenly it's like, whatever your baby wants, they cause you to forget that you have your own wants and needs too. This is another area where finding a sense of balance is so crucial. Although it may be a while before you're either up to going out and down to fully trust someone to watch your child while you do it, don't forget that you and your partner can still bring romance into your home. For starters, check out my article, "10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)". Beyond that, be intentional about speaking each other's love languages, participate in some orgasmic meditation, give your man a nice massage (then have him return the favor). In a thriving sex life, before sex, there's foreplay and before foreplay, there's romance. As you ease back into having sex again, following this pattern can make getting back into the swing of things, so much easier for you to do.
6. Be Open to a Lil’ Oral Warm-Up First
If intercourse feels too uncomfortable, the first couple of times that you try to get back into the saddle of things, remember that oral sex is always an option. It's a pretty dope one too since a lot of women are able to experience orgasms a little quicker (and easier) that way. Not only that, but if you focus on receiving cunnilingus more during this time, that can help to bring more natural lubrication back into the picture as, again, your body is getting back used to you having sex again on the regular (if you need to bring in some lubrication during sex, by all means do, please). As a bonus, fellatio can be a good way for your partner to be able to get some of his own sexual pressure off until you're feeling better about having sex more consistently. Shoot, it's not like his sperm doesn't come with some health benefits for you in the process (check out "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm"). Just sayin'.
7. Try Positions That Leave Your Breasts Out of It
Any woman who's ever had a baby before (especially if she decided to breastfeed once her child was born) can vouch for the fact that figuring out how to "process" breasts is no easy feat. When you were growing up, they were all yours. When you got into a relationship, you sexually shared them with your partner. Now, you've got a little person who wants to cling to them constantly for sustenance's sake.
Shifting between all of those gears can be confusing and a little overwhelming, at times (not to mention the fact that your breasts don't actually feel the sexiest or most comfortable while they are engorged with milk). So, if you kind of want your breasts to sexually be off limits for a while, don't feel the least bit guilty about that. The workaround is to get into sex positions where your breasts aren't a major focal point.
Ones that immediately come to mind are spooning, the corkscrew, the flatiron, doggy style and the leapfrog (which is a variation of doggy style). If all of these names have you looking at your screen like, "huh?", Women's Health has offered up 46 sex positions, including pictures. You can check 'em out here in order to grasp a greater concept of what each position looks like.
8. Don’t Decide How Your Partner Sees You on Your Own
Not too long ago, I checked out the movieConception. Although it had no Black people in it (I know, right?), it really was cute and offered up some super realistic moments when it comes to how women handle body image struggles after giving birth. As a doula, I'll be real with you—more times than not, bodies do change after having a baby; ones that take some time to get used to. Your breasts may not be as firm. Your tummy will probably not be as tight. You might have stretch marks. Your skin may have some discoloration. We already touched on the fact that your vagina may be looser. Listen, you just gave birth to a whole human being; that alters things.
But if there's something that a lot of women concern themselves with, if there's one thing that they really shouldn't obsess too much over, it's the feeling that their partner will not desire them in the same way because of all of the changes. Girl, that couldn't be further from the truth. First, if you're someone who wasn't really up to having sex during your entire pregnancy, your third trimester or even simply a few weeks leading into your due date, if you add to that the weeks of healing following giving birth, your partner has been waiting for a minute. He's gonna be nothing short of thrilled to get some again, regardless. And secondly, most of the men I've worked with (via being a doula) finds the woman who delivered their child to be a superhero. No joke. The fact that their partner was able to handle physically bringing a child into this world, earns that woman a level of respect and admiration that didn't exist prior to their son or daughter being born. And that can be really sexy to a man.
So, don't create fictional movies in your mind by assuming that just because you are feeling a little self-conscious (which is totally understandable) that your partner is looking at you with the same critical eye. Oftentimes, those full breasts, extra thickness and tiny lines are sexy AF to your partner. Hey, if you don't believe me, ask him.
9. Ease Slowly into It
Do you remember back when you gave your virginity (I don't like to use the word "lost" unless it's related to trauma; we know where our virginity "went")? If you were with an unselfish person who truly cared about you, he was prepared to take things slow because the first few times getting used to sex was probably awkward, uncomfortable and maybe even painful. That moment in time can actually help you to prepare for this one. While you do pretty much know what to expect when it comes to sex, getting used to it while your body is still getting readjusted can also result in awkwardness, uncomfortableness and maybe even a little bit of pain. There's no need to rush into what you're not fully ready for. Take your time. The more patient that you and your partner are with one another, the more at ease you will become, and the better sex can be (again).
10. Remember, Your Baby’s Too Young to Know
When you're trying to balance your sex life with a new baby, sometimes, you've gotta get in where you fit in. While I'm personally not a fan of babies being in the bed, pretty much from day one (co-sleepers are a dope alternative, though), whether your baby is in your bed or in the room with you, don't worry about if you've got to have sex with them in your presence. A lot of professionals say that babies don't start to cultivate lasting memories until around the 14-18 month mark and even then, it's usually nothing too substantial (lasting memories start to occur around three or so). So, have sex…whenever. Your baby won't remember a thing. Promise.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up. We drop xoNecole events and special opportunities into our Tribe first.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- How To Fix A Sexless Marriage - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love ... ›
- Here's How Your First Time Having Sex Can Still Affect You ›
- I'm Too Tired To Have Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love ... ›
- Best Time Of The Month: Sex & Conception - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- A Sexpert & Mother Of Five Shares 7 Bedroom Tips That Are Perfect ... ›
- Motherhood Made Me Lose My Sex Drive - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- The Reason We Stopped Having Sex After Our First Child ... ›
- Best Sex Positions That Are Safe For Pregnant Women - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Sex after a baby: 10 questions to ask yourself | NCT ›
- When Can You Have Sex After Having a Baby? ›
- Sex After Birth: How Long After Birth Can You Have Sex? ›
- Sex After Birth: What to Expect and How Long to Wait ›
- Sex After Birth: What to Do When It Just Doesn't Feel the Same ... ›
- 11 Ways To Ease Back Into Sex After Giving Birth ›
- 8 Surprising Truths About Sex After Birth | Parents ›
- Having sex after giving birth can be painful — here are 6 ways to help ›
RELATED
Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock