A couple of weeks ago, while in an interview, someone asked me one of those "pageant questions"—you know, like "What do you wish for the world?" My answer? It wasn't world peace. As someone who works with married couples, many of which who have some of the worst sex lives that I've ever seen (well, not seen but you know what I mean), I said, "I wish more people would make having a fulfilling sex life more of a priority than they tend to do." Sex, especially when you're in a long-term committed relationship, is important. It speaks volumes to the level of intimacy, connection and desire two people have for one another. It also reminds us that we were created to be sexual beings so, just like we need to be "good" in other areas of our lives, we need to be satisfied sexually as well.
That's why, there was no way that I could let 2020 arrive without at least encouraging y'all to set some sex goals for the year ahead. Things that will make you have sex more often, things that will bring you and yours closer together—things that will make you see sex as being just as important as all of the other things that you've got on your to-do list. Are you ready to make 2020 the year when you have the best sex—EVER? Let's do this.
Sex Goals You & Your Partner Need For A Better Sex Life
1. Extend the Foreplay
The late comedian Joan Rivers once said, "Women don't blink during foreplay…there's not enough time." That's funny but you know what they say—there's truth in all humor. Along these lines, another truth that should be stated is a partner who isn't into foreplay is a partner who could stand to become a better lover. Just like good food prep makes for a better meal, good foreplay makes for a far more pleasurable sexual experience.
In 2020, be intentional about turning foreplay into a real art form. Flirt over the phone and text throughout the day. Give each other sensual massages with some aphrodisiac essential oils. Do strip teases. Incorporate "sex condiments" like honey and syrup (which are even better when some sweet almond oil is mixed in and warmed up first). Set the right ambiance. Explore uncommon erogenous zones. Strongly consider saying "grace" first like model Ashley Graham and her husband do (if you consider sex to be a spiritual act, that shouldn't freak you out in the least). Tell each other your fantasies. Kiss—passionately and a lot. TAKE. YOUR. TIME. A Kinky Quotes quote that I like is, "When you go from foreplay to sex and back…over and over." Make that a mantra for your sex life this year and I promise you, there will be absolutely no regrets.
2. Start a “New Position of the Week” Private Club
According to one site that I checked out, there are approximately 245 different sex positions. This means that if you tried one position a day, it would take about nine months to knock 'em all out. According to certain studies, so long as you and yours are gettin' it in once a week, you should be all good.
My advice would be to shoot for having sex, one day a week more than you currently do. While you're in the process of doing that, at least one of those times, test out a new position.
Hey, a lot of couples say that boredom is one of their greatest sexual challenges; if you know that some never-been-attempted-before action is always on the horizon, this should curb that issue. At least a little bit.
3. Schedule Sex (If You Tend to Have It Less than Once a Week)
Whenever I'm dealing with a couple who tells me something along the lines of, "Girl, we looked up one day and realized that we haven't had any in weeks", my first question is usually, "Why?" If they tell me that the sex is good, they just don't seem to have time, my follow-up is, "Why don't you create a sex schedule?" Sometimes they'll frown at the thought of how "not romantic" that is but the way I see it, I'd rather have orgasms with a little less spontaneity than be sexually pissed because I'm waiting for some Hallmark moment to transpire.
Besides, scheduling sex is all about perspective. While on one hand, it can come off as being rigid and planned, it can also give you and yours some much-needed quality time to look forward to. Knowing that Tuesday nights (for instance) are marked on your calendar, that could be all that you need to go from being sexless to being sexually satisfied.
4. Get a New Piece of Lingerie a Month Too
It's interesting because, while a lot of women would never give someone a present that wasn't wrapped first, they don't get what the big deal is about lingerie. To me, it's the same concept. Every woman is a gift and dressing that gift up makes the sexual experience that much more exciting—to the giver and the receiver. For one thing, it encourages the art of seduction (there really is something sensual about slowing taking off your clothes or slowly having them taken off). Also, it tends to bring in the element of surprise. I really can't tell y'all how many husbands are resentful about how much effort their wives take into going out while coming to bed looking a hot mess.
One way to change that in the new year is to create your own "Lingerie of the Month" club. One month, you can purchase something, the next month, your man can purchase something for you. And what about him? I mean, what do you like to see him in? Add that to the monthly list as well. You also might want to invest in some Manscaped. Let KevOnStage tell it (here at the 20:00 mark), it's brought new life to his, umm, testicles. Clearly, it's all the rage because comedian Big Jahh recently did a skit about it too.
Something else that's cool is to get him something from Hawthorne. I learned about it from the guys over atDam Internet, You Scary (around the 21:00 mark). Apparently, your man can answer some questions on the site and get some cologne, body wash or other smell good customized for him. A good smelling man is erotic AF. Whew…let me reel it back in. Anyway, use their code DIYS and receive 10 percent off of your first order.
5. Put a Sex Bucket List Together
So, according to the website BucketList.net, there are at least 10 benefits that come from creating bucket lists; five of them include—they excite us, motivate us, makes us more interesting, keeps us active and, my personal favorite, force us to figure out what we really want. I don't know about you, but that sounds like some really good reasons to come up with a customized 2020 sex bucket list.
As far as what you should put on there, the possibilities run the gamut. Some ideas may include—going on a country-wide hotel tour; having oral sex in a public place; writing an erotic story together; being naked for an entire day (together, of course); joining the mile high club; going skinny dipping; having sex for 30 days straight; mastering multiple orgasms; seeing how many times you can have sex in one weekend, and/or taking a sensual massage class.
Again, the ideas are totally up to you, but if you want to avoid the rut of ho-hum sex, one way to do that is to come up with a list that will keep you on your toes—well, rather on your back (or him on his).
6. Get More Morning Sex In
One of the benefits of being a marriage life coach is I'm able to gain true pearls of wisdom that I probably wouldn't hear any other way. One of my favorites comes from a wife of over three decades that has her hubby's co-sign—"A little head in the morning makes everything alright. The bills don't stress you out as much. The kids are a little less on your nerves. You're just in a zen frame of mind." Again, she's been married for over 30 years at this point, so why not take what she said to heart? Whether it's oral sex or full-on intercourse, morning sex can give you more energy, make you more productive throughout the day, and definitely keep your cortisol levels down. So yeah, get your partner a blank greeting card and write in it that you are committing to participating in morning sex more often. You might be surprised by how much brighter your world becomes if/when you do.
7. Have One Sexcation a Season
There are some married people I know who haven't gone on a romantic vacation since their honeymoon. Not only that but, whether it was due to their limited budget or not being able to schedule enough time away, even that wasn't really all that they dreamed it would be. If you are someone who is shaking your head in agreement because you can totally relate, seize the day and plan some sexcations for the upcoming year. These are NOT to be mistaken for family trips where you try and sneak a quickie in before the kids get up. These are vacations that are devoted to NOTHING BUT SEX. This means you need to research a sexy hotel, Airbnb, vacation house or resort. You need to set at least a weekend aside. And you need to rest up before you go because, again, this isn't about sleeping and ordering room service the entire time. It's all about reconnecting, sexually—no more, no less.
Oh, and why not literally swing for the fences—and by that, I mean bedposts—by not scheduling just one sexcation? Instead, plan out one for each season. Hey, there are 52 weeks in a year. Surely, with some forethought and budgeting, four of those can be reserved for your sex life. If it's a priority, that is. In 2020, let's make sure that it is.
8. Affirm Each Other’s Bodies, AS IS, More Often
Earlier this year, while spending some time on one of my favorite shopping sites (Etsy), I peeped a sweatshirt that I plan on purchasing—"Start a Revolution. Stop Hating Your Body". I can't tell you how many women have told me that they hate having sex with the lights on (even though their partner loves it) because they are insecure about their body (or body type). There have also been quite a few men who've told me that they don't initiate as much as they used to because they don't feel as virile as they used to due to some of the extra poundage (weight) that they've put on over the years. If you check out the article "What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?" on our site, you'll see that the way a person looks isn't really on the list. Sexual compatibility is about energy, desire and connecting on both a mental as well as emotional level.
I agree with what Lamman Rucker's character told Jill Scott's character in Why Did I Get Married? He said, "If you don't like your body, change it." But don't cause your sex life—and ultimately your relationship—to suffer, simply because you are self-conscious about your breasts that aren't as perky as they used to be (ladies) or the love handles that may be in abundance (fellas).
And couples, if you know that your partner is not currently comfortable with their bodies, implement the Golden Rule and treat them how you'd want to be treated. Focus on what you do love—and lust. Although some of us are drawn to words of affirmation more than others, it can never hurt to receive compliments from the one we're most intimate with. Words to live by, that's for sure.
9. Openly Discuss a Sex Wound—Then Strive to Heal It
There's a woman I know who has been married for almost forty years at this point who has a less than fulfilling sex life. A big part of the reason why is because she was sexually assaulted in college yet has never told her husband. I can only imagine how freeing it would be for her and how much it would connect the dots for him if she revealed that bit of information.
My point? According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lifetime, and one in three women and one in six men will experience some type of sexual violence. As someone who has been sexually molested and assaulted, I know firsthand that if you don't process and heal the pain that is associated with these types of violations, it will have a direct reflection on your relationship—and your sex life.
If there is something that you are holding back from your partner—whether it's a childhood memory, something that happened in college or something else sexually-related that you know has caused you to build up a wall or be afraid to trust your partner fully, decide that 2020 will be the year that you will be open, honest and real with them. The best sex starts with intimacy and authentic intimacy is strong when there is a solid emotional connection at the root of it all.
10. Climax. EVERY TIME.
Uh-huh. See, this is what we ain't gonna do this year. We ain't gonna be content until as many of our readers as possible are resolved to not fake orgasms or to concede to not having orgasms at all. Orgasms release stress. Orgasms bring "feel good hormones" into your system. Orgasms make you feel closer to your partner. Orgasms are the total bomb.
If you've been struggling in this area, mere words cannot express how much we got you, starting with "This Is How You Master The Female Orgasm", "Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream" and "How To Orgasm With Your Partner At The Same Time". Then spend some time sharing with your partner how vital climaxing is to you. If he's a good man and lover, it will be just as, if not more, important to him. Setting the goal to make you cum and then for you to cum each and every time—at the very least will make you feel sexy, relished and a part of something that has your best interest at heart.
A lot of women don't orgasm every time because it's not a goal. Make it one and watch how happy your yoni becomes. Start now and watch how 2020 blows your mind. Setting and reaching sex goals always do. #wink
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Are You Ready To Amp Up Your Oral Sex Game? Try This.
Experts Believe Passion (Not Love) Makes Sex Better. You Agree?
These Steamy Positions Will Reinvigorate Your Sex Life
10 Things Couples Who (Consistently) Have Great Sex Do
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Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (email@example.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Amber Riley Is In Her Element
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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Text This Before You Ghost Them, Sis.
We’ve all been there at least once (or a few times) along our dating journey. Maybe you’ve had a date or two with a potential suitor, but the spark just wasn’t there. Perhaps you convinced yourself that just “one more” date would help you overlook a non-negotiable ick. At this point in the dating cycle, you’ve probably reached the point where you must decide to either communicate “why” things won’t be moving forward or simply ghost them.
What Is Ghosting?
“Ghosting” refers to the act of suddenly and unexpectedly cutting off all communication with someone you've been dating or talking to without any explanation or further contact. It typically occurs in the early stages of dating but can also happen after a few dates or even in more established relationships.
The act of ghosting has become quite a common practice in our modern dating culture and can manifest in a number of different ways. From days of ignored text messages and phone calls out of the blue to not showing up for pre-arranged plans and sometimes disappearing from someone's life without any notice or explanation.
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The Problem With Ghosting
Being ghosted may seem like a harmless act of “self-choosing,” but the person on the receiving end of your decision can be left feeling confused, rejected, and even abandoned, wondering what happened and where they went wrong.
And we get it, what explanation do you owe someone for leaving after a few cocktails and a $100 date? While that may seem like the perfect opportunity to cut and run, taking an alternative approach to fizzle out a fling is a great time to practice clear and effective communication that can pay off in the long run.
While there is a time and a place for ghosting (and even blocking) if your boundaries have been crossed or safety has been threatened, if we’re looking to live out our best healed, secure-girl summer, there are ways to date freely without leaving others with damage of their own to recover from.
Being honest and upfront about your feelings while being respectful of the other person's time is the best way to leave a situationship or fling with both parties emotionally unscathed. So if you’re looking for ways to break things off with care and consideration, we’ve provided five text scripts to send instead of ghosting somebody’s son:
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5 Texts To Send Instead of Ghosting Them
1. If you want to take the honest but gentle approach:
"Hey [Name], I've really enjoyed getting to know you, but I've been doing some thinking, and I don't see this going any further. I wanted to be upfront and honest with you rather than leaving you wondering. I wish you all the best."
2. If you want to express gratitude before saying goodbye:
"Hi [Name], I wanted to reach out and say thank you for the time we spent together. You're an amazing person, but I think we're better off as friends. I hope you understand and that we can still maintain a positive connection."
3. If you want to leave a note of appreciation:
"Hi [Name], I wanted to let you know that I've had a great time with you, but I don't think we're compatible for a romantic relationship. I appreciate the moments we shared, and I hope we can both find what we're looking for."
4. If a face-to-face convo is needed:
"Hey [Name], I've been doing some thinking, and I believe it's important for us to have an open conversation about where we stand. Can we find some time to talk about our relationship and how we both feel? I think it's important to address things honestly."
5. If you want to keep things cute and concise:
"Hey [Name], I've realized that we're not on the same page, and it's best if we part ways. Take care."
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