A couple of weeks ago, while in an interview, someone asked me one of those "pageant questions"—you know, like "What do you wish for the world?" My answer? It wasn't world peace. As someone who works with married couples, many of which who have some of the worst sex lives that I've ever seen (well, not seen but you know what I mean), I said, "I wish more people would make having a fulfilling sex life more of a priority than they tend to do." Sex, especially when you're in a long-term committed relationship, is important. It speaks volumes to the level of intimacy, connection and desire two people have for one another. It also reminds us that we were created to be sexual beings so, just like we need to be "good" in other areas of our lives, we need to be satisfied sexually as well.
That's why, there was no way that I could let 2020 arrive without at least encouraging y'all to set some sex goals for the year ahead. Things that will make you have sex more often, things that will bring you and yours closer together—things that will make you see sex as being just as important as all of the other things that you've got on your to-do list. Are you ready to make 2020 the year when you have the best sex—EVER? Let's do this.
Sex Goals You & Your Partner Need For A Better Sex Life
1. Extend the Foreplay
The late comedian Joan Rivers once said, "Women don't blink during foreplay…there's not enough time." That's funny but you know what they say—there's truth in all humor. Along these lines, another truth that should be stated is a partner who isn't into foreplay is a partner who could stand to become a better lover. Just like good food prep makes for a better meal, good foreplay makes for a far more pleasurable sexual experience.
In 2020, be intentional about turning foreplay into a real art form. Flirt over the phone and text throughout the day. Give each other sensual massages with some aphrodisiac essential oils. Do strip teases. Incorporate "sex condiments" like honey and syrup (which are even better when some sweet almond oil is mixed in and warmed up first). Set the right ambiance. Explore uncommon erogenous zones. Strongly consider saying "grace" first like model Ashley Graham and her husband do (if you consider sex to be a spiritual act, that shouldn't freak you out in the least). Tell each other your fantasies. Kiss—passionately and a lot. TAKE. YOUR. TIME. A Kinky Quotes quote that I like is, "When you go from foreplay to sex and back…over and over." Make that a mantra for your sex life this year and I promise you, there will be absolutely no regrets.
2. Start a “New Position of the Week” Private Club
According to one site that I checked out, there are approximately 245 different sex positions. This means that if you tried one position a day, it would take about nine months to knock 'em all out. According to certain studies, so long as you and yours are gettin' it in once a week, you should be all good.
My advice would be to shoot for having sex, one day a week more than you currently do. While you're in the process of doing that, at least one of those times, test out a new position.
Hey, a lot of couples say that boredom is one of their greatest sexual challenges; if you know that some never-been-attempted-before action is always on the horizon, this should curb that issue. At least a little bit.
3. Schedule Sex (If You Tend to Have It Less than Once a Week)
Whenever I'm dealing with a couple who tells me something along the lines of, "Girl, we looked up one day and realized that we haven't had any in weeks", my first question is usually, "Why?" If they tell me that the sex is good, they just don't seem to have time, my follow-up is, "Why don't you create a sex schedule?" Sometimes they'll frown at the thought of how "not romantic" that is but the way I see it, I'd rather have orgasms with a little less spontaneity than be sexually pissed because I'm waiting for some Hallmark moment to transpire.
Besides, scheduling sex is all about perspective. While on one hand, it can come off as being rigid and planned, it can also give you and yours some much-needed quality time to look forward to. Knowing that Tuesday nights (for instance) are marked on your calendar, that could be all that you need to go from being sexless to being sexually satisfied.
4. Get a New Piece of Lingerie a Month Too
It's interesting because, while a lot of women would never give someone a present that wasn't wrapped first, they don't get what the big deal is about lingerie. To me, it's the same concept. Every woman is a gift and dressing that gift up makes the sexual experience that much more exciting—to the giver and the receiver. For one thing, it encourages the art of seduction (there really is something sensual about slowing taking off your clothes or slowly having them taken off). Also, it tends to bring in the element of surprise. I really can't tell y'all how many husbands are resentful about how much effort their wives take into going out while coming to bed looking a hot mess.
One way to change that in the new year is to create your own "Lingerie of the Month" club. One month, you can purchase something, the next month, your man can purchase something for you. And what about him? I mean, what do you like to see him in? Add that to the monthly list as well. You also might want to invest in some Manscaped. Let KevOnStage tell it (here at the 20:00 mark), it's brought new life to his, umm, testicles. Clearly, it's all the rage because comedian Big Jahh recently did a skit about it too.
Something else that's cool is to get him something from Hawthorne. I learned about it from the guys over at Dam Internet, You Scary (around the 21:00 mark). Apparently, your man can answer some questions on the site and get some cologne, body wash or other smell good customized for him. A good smelling man is erotic AF. Whew…let me reel it back in. Anyway, use their code DIYS and receive 10 percent off of your first order.
5. Put a Sex Bucket List Together
So, according to the website BucketList.net, there are at least 10 benefits that come from creating bucket lists; five of them include—they excite us, motivate us, makes us more interesting, keeps us active and, my personal favorite, force us to figure out what we really want. I don't know about you, but that sounds like some really good reasons to come up with a customized 2020 sex bucket list.
As far as what you should put on there, the possibilities run the gamut. Some ideas may include—going on a country-wide hotel tour; having oral sex in a public place; writing an erotic story together; being naked for an entire day (together, of course); joining the mile high club; going skinny dipping; having sex for 30 days straight; mastering multiple orgasms; seeing how many times you can have sex in one weekend, and/or taking a sensual massage class.
Again, the ideas are totally up to you, but if you want to avoid the rut of ho-hum sex, one way to do that is to come up with a list that will keep you on your toes—well, rather on your back (or him on his).
6. Get More Morning Sex In
One of the benefits of being a marriage life coach is I'm able to gain true pearls of wisdom that I probably wouldn't hear any other way. One of my favorites comes from a wife of over three decades that has her hubby's co-sign—"A little head in the morning makes everything alright. The bills don't stress you out as much. The kids are a little less on your nerves. You're just in a zen frame of mind." Again, she's been married for over 30 years at this point, so why not take what she said to heart? Whether it's oral sex or full-on intercourse, morning sex can give you more energy, make you more productive throughout the day, and definitely keep your cortisol levels down. So yeah, get your partner a blank greeting card and write in it that you are committing to participating in morning sex more often. You might be surprised by how much brighter your world becomes if/when you do.
7. Have One Sexcation a Season
There are some married people I know who haven't gone on a romantic vacation since their honeymoon. Not only that but, whether it was due to their limited budget or not being able to schedule enough time away, even that wasn't really all that they dreamed it would be. If you are someone who is shaking your head in agreement because you can totally relate, seize the day and plan some sexcations for the upcoming year. These are NOT to be mistaken for family trips where you try and sneak a quickie in before the kids get up. These are vacations that are devoted to NOTHING BUT SEX. This means you need to research a sexy hotel, Airbnb, vacation house or resort. You need to set at least a weekend aside. And you need to rest up before you go because, again, this isn't about sleeping and ordering room service the entire time. It's all about reconnecting, sexually—no more, no less.
Oh, and why not literally swing for the fences—and by that, I mean bedposts—by not scheduling just one sexcation? Instead, plan out one for each season. Hey, there are 52 weeks in a year. Surely, with some forethought and budgeting, four of those can be reserved for your sex life. If it's a priority, that is. In 2020, let's make sure that it is.
8. Affirm Each Other’s Bodies, AS IS, More Often
Earlier this year, while spending some time on one of my favorite shopping sites (Etsy), I peeped a sweatshirt that I plan on purchasing—"Start a Revolution. Stop Hating Your Body". I can't tell you how many women have told me that they hate having sex with the lights on (even though their partner loves it) because they are insecure about their body (or body type). There have also been quite a few men who've told me that they don't initiate as much as they used to because they don't feel as virile as they used to due to some of the extra poundage (weight) that they've put on over the years. If you check out the article "What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?" on our site, you'll see that the way a person looks isn't really on the list. Sexual compatibility is about energy, desire and connecting on both a mental as well as emotional level.
I agree with what Lamman Rucker's character told Jill Scott's character in Why Did I Get Married? He said, "If you don't like your body, change it." But don't cause your sex life—and ultimately your relationship—to suffer, simply because you are self-conscious about your breasts that aren't as perky as they used to be (ladies) or the love handles that may be in abundance (fellas).
And couples, if you know that your partner is not currently comfortable with their bodies, implement the Golden Rule and treat them how you'd want to be treated. Focus on what you do love—and lust. Although some of us are drawn to words of affirmation more than others, it can never hurt to receive compliments from the one we're most intimate with. Words to live by, that's for sure.
9. Openly Discuss a Sex Wound—Then Strive to Heal It
There's a woman I know who has been married for almost forty years at this point who has a less than fulfilling sex life. A big part of the reason why is because she was sexually assaulted in college yet has never told her husband. I can only imagine how freeing it would be for her and how much it would connect the dots for him if she revealed that bit of information.
My point? According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lifetime, and one in three women and one in six men will experience some type of sexual violence. As someone who has been sexually molested and assaulted, I know firsthand that if you don't process and heal the pain that is associated with these types of violations, it will have a direct reflection on your relationship—and your sex life.
If there is something that you are holding back from your partner—whether it's a childhood memory, something that happened in college or something else sexually-related that you know has caused you to build up a wall or be afraid to trust your partner fully, decide that 2020 will be the year that you will be open, honest and real with them. The best sex starts with intimacy and authentic intimacy is strong when there is a solid emotional connection at the root of it all.
10. Climax. EVERY TIME.
Uh-huh. See, this is what we ain't gonna do this year. We ain't gonna be content until as many of our readers as possible are resolved to not fake orgasms or to concede to not having orgasms at all. Orgasms release stress. Orgasms bring "feel good hormones" into your system. Orgasms make you feel closer to your partner. Orgasms are the total bomb.
If you've been struggling in this area, mere words cannot express how much we got you, starting with "This Is How You Master The Female Orgasm", "Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream" and "How To Orgasm With Your Partner At The Same Time". Then spend some time sharing with your partner how vital climaxing is to you. If he's a good man and lover, it will be just as, if not more, important to him. Setting the goal to make you cum and then for you to cum each and every time—at the very least will make you feel sexy, relished and a part of something that has your best interest at heart.
A lot of women don't orgasm every time because it's not a goal. Make it one and watch how happy your yoni becomes. Start now and watch how 2020 blows your mind. Setting and reaching sex goals always do. #wink
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Are You Ready To Amp Up Your Oral Sex Game? Try This.
Experts Believe Passion (Not Love) Makes Sex Better. You Agree?
These Steamy Positions Will Reinvigorate Your Sex Life
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RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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Featured image by PeopleImages/Shutterstock