Is Scheduled Sex Really Better Than No Sex At All?
For most of my twenties, I've feared several red flags that I felt signaled I had unfortunately left the "young, fresh and fly" building and had my swipe card ready for the boring bus to adulting.
Some of these warning signs included not being able to tell the difference between rappers like Lil' Yachty and Travis Scott (are they a part of The Migos?), starting sentences with, "Back in my day…", and finally scheduling sex with my spouse.
First off, scheduling sex means you're clearly not having enough of it. You don't hear people who are bumping up more than a teenage boy with a Proactive regimen talking about scheduling oral for Thursday at 3:00 pm. Also, sex drives aren't quite that cooperative. At 2:55, it's not like your body is like, "Time to get horny. Sex is about to happen."
But juggling sex with marriage, parenting, and career is hella hard and social media star Devalle Ellis recently got real on his Instagram about why he and his wife Khadeen choose to focus on the quality of intimacy as opposed to the frequency. The couple are parents to three boys and are featured on the second season of OWN's Black Love. In his post, Devalle shares that real intimacy in any relationship is about taking time to genuinely connect and that even if you are having sex 24/7, it's not necessarily an indicator you're winning at love:
"Spouses owe it to each other to remain present sexually. And so often people believe intimacy is defined by frequency. So wrong."
Devalle shares even if it's five seconds of grabbing his wife's booty, maintaining a sexual connection doesn't always have to be solidified with a the grand act of penetration. It was a statement that resonated with me, especially given the guilt I've experienced lately at the realization that having sex with my own husband has become a novelty itself.
Believe me, when you get married, you swear you're going to be that same woman your husband fell in love with. The same one with her hands in his pants not even five minutes into the previews in the latest Marvel movie. The same one who actually made an effort to match her lacy black panties with an accompanying bra and shave her whole damn body because you just know it's about to go down.
But then, something happens called parenthood.
And you better believe that the same Ciara that was slithering, twerking, and having a whole "Body Party" in front of Future shortly before her first child is born, now two kids later is turning over in bed in a durag some nights and telling her hubby Russell Wilson "not tonight" because she's too tired.
It's because toddlers are the ultimate birth control.
While deep inside of me there still lives a woman that literally would suck on my husband's finger to indicate I wanted some, a whole c**k-blocking three-year-old later, and he can't look at my draws without her crying, "Mommy!" from the next bedroom. With this said, parents who are in the same boat as me, or on the sinking Titanic of sex because they have more than one child, might see scheduling sex as the only way to ensure that their genitals don't dry up and completely fall off.
Honestly, it's not even that you don't want to have sex, but when you become a parent, sleep will win over sex drive on the hierarchy of needs every damn time. And let's not forget that most days, especially as a mom, there's a toddler whose mission in life is to make sure their limbs are touching you in some way at all times. So when you do get a few moments to yourself, the last thing you want is to be touched. But Devalle is right. There is something about scheduled sex that just nails the coffin shut on my idea of what being grown and sexy would be like.
As I said before, my libido can't be scheduled.
And much of being sexually active while married with kids has to do with reinventing your idea of what sex has to look like. I had to abandon the idea that every hair had to be plucked from my body for sex to be enjoyable. It even took constant reassuring from my husband that sex with my hair wrapped in a scarf was just as sexy as "fresh from the salon" sex. As a result, we may not get our Skinemax on as regularly, but every few weeks, there's a moment when the kid is asleep or away and we realize that we still have some damn energy and the sexual urge to match. And to be honest, that sex is way better than any session that starts with an Outlook reminder because it's organic and based on passion and not a need to check something off on a list because we think that's what a perfect marriage involves.
A healthy sexual connection doesn't always have to come courtesy of some bomb penetration complete with the perfect climax.
Shoutout to the people that can maintain Grade A sex while juggling full-time jobs AND parenting. For the record, I don't know anyone that works 40 hours a week with toddlers that still get it on like a season of Power, but when it comes to sex, I truly believe that it's better when your heart is in it.
The other parts of your anatomy are nice, but if you're having sex just to say you did it, in my opinion, it's not really worth having.
That goes for whether your sex drive has you constantly pulling over to bump and grind in the backseat or for spouses like me who are forced to put it in park so you can do things like pick up salmon for dinner and pay bills. However, a girl always appreciates a nice booty slap while frying chicken, a lewd comment on the ride home from work that goes completely over the kids' heads but right between your thighs, and just any genuine reminder that her husband thinks she looks like Beyoncé in booty shorts even when she's in sweats and bubble facial.
Because when it comes to making a real sexual connection, if the body party can't get started without an Outlook invitation or before my clothes even come off, what are we really doing?
Featured image by Shutterstock
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage