“We rush into situations and we think that sex is the only way to build a connection. Sex does not build love. Don't get me wrong, sex is great, but it's not a “real love maker." A lot of women feel that if they can give a man good sex that she'll get his 'good love in return.' No queen, that's not how love works. You're not going to get what you want by simply laying down and playing house with someone. Partnership is bred from communication, understanding, commitment, honesty, friendship, and trust. Those things build true love." – Alex Elle
For a very long time, I thought the only way to attain intimacy in my relationship with my partner was to be intimate in the physical sense of the word. Intimacy is a word that has a few definitions, and although sexual intercourse can be one of them, the closeness and familiarity it alludes to is not limited to bedroom acts.
I love sex, but once writer and author Alex Elle took me to church and brought that point about intimacy home for me, I became a different woman when it came to being intimate with my partners. The girl who for so long felt like physicality was the only way to show my love had to grow into a woman who understood there's more to this thing than doo wop that thing.
But how does one establish and build intimacy when sex was all they knew?
Here are some simple yet effective ways to express love in your relationships without being physical:
Take a Long Walk
Sometimes, life hits you at full force and communication and quality time with your partner can easily become one of those things that see the backburner more often than not. A walk is a perfect cost-effective way to experience something together, catching up on one another's days, and enjoying the scenery along the way. It can be a perfect once a week check-in for couples on the go. Take things a step further by unplugging from your phones and social media throughout the duration of the walk. Challenge yourselves to be fully in the moment with your partner and see how connected you feel.
Kiss the Cook
Turn a chore or a mundane weeknight routine into an opportunity to spend time together one on one. Go through all of the steps of choosing a meal you'd like to share together, shopping for ingredients for the recipe, and then finally getting into the kitchen, taking turns with who tackles which component over a glass of wine. Cooking together is one of my favorite ways to connect and is incredibly underrated. When you take the time to bond like that, closeness is sure to follow.
It Takes Two to Make the Thing Go Right
Closeness builds intimacy and shared experiences help to further strengthen that. The hobby that you and your partner choose can be as simple as binge-watching a new favorite show together on Netflix or a little more complex and adventurous like ziplining, traveling, or taking a class in attempt to learn something new together. At least once a week, you and bae can partake in some bonding time together, sharing an experience mutual and exclusive to the two of you.
We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off
I think by far one of my favorite ways to build intimacy with my partner is in the bedroom and no, that doesn't necessarily mean sex. We lay in bed together, sometimes making our way to a cuddle position, but other times, indulging in silence as we sleep or look into each other's eyes and talk. Showing one another our current favorite songs is also on the agenda. It's beautiful to me because it's effortless. We just care about one another's presence in those moments. So laying together and forgetting the world can be yet another simple way to reinforce relationship intimacy.
What are some of your favorite ways to build intimacy with your love?
Sheriden Chanel is the Managing Editor at xoNecole.com, covering all things love, life, beauty, and wellness. She has an affinity for travel, self-care, and anything BTS touches. Keep up with her on social
@sheridenchanel.
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Listen, as someone who grew up in an entertainment home and also as someone who got my start as a writer in the entertainment industry, I will be the first to recommend that you not get too invested in celebrities. No matter what you see in the media, you don’t really know them (unless you actually do) and that’s enough of a reason to not get super caught up in whatever it is that they’ve got going on.
However, at the same time, as with all things humanity, something that I look for when it comes to famous folks is consistency — and that is why, every once in a while, I will shout a person or a couple out, specifically. Today, it’s actors Ryan Destiny and Keith Powers. Why? Well, you caught the headline. I recently read (and then found a clip of what I read) that Ryan went on record saying that after three years of she and Keith being apart (shucks), they are back together (yay!) — and dammit, you would’ve thought that I was their blood auntie for real when she shared the news.
Video Credit: @rydersxsourc on TikTok
Why the need for such unspeakable joy? LOL. I love — love, LOVE — Black love, so we can start there. They’ve always come across as genuine BFFs and I’m a huge advocate of that when it comes to romantic dynamics. Then there are some things that Ryan said about why they decided to become an official couple again that inspired me to do what I try to do whenever I write on anything celebrity-related: tie in a lesson for the rest of us to apply to our own daily lives.
You know, someone once said that getting back with an ex is like hopping out of the shower and putting your old underwear back on. And while that is, without question, a semi-grossly graphic cautionary tale to consider — LOL — at the same time, I don’t think that it’s a one-size-fits-all resolve.
If you and an ex are dancing around the idea of giving it a go one mo’ time again, I just want you to strongly consider five things first. Just so you can be sure that there are some new-in-real-time benefits that come with getting that old thing back.
Do They Complement Where Your Life Is…Now?
Credit: @jenniferhudsonshow on TikTok
Okay, so when it comes to all of the video posts throughout this, I am sharing each one by strategic design because I am actually going to use certain things about Ryan and Keith’s life to illustrate my points. First up: Did you notice all that Ryan has already accomplished in just 30 years of life? And y’all, she has gotten back with Keith in the midst of all that is currently on her plate. This means that not only is she making time for the relationship (what we value, we MAKE time for), it would appear that she doesn’t feel like he or the relationship would be a hindrance to all of her plans, her goals — her purpose.
Currently, I (yes, personally) know someone who is a celebrity in her own right. She is trying to make something work out with an ex — only there are red flags galore. One of them is the fact that, although he says that he is in support of her career, he makes unrealistic demands on her time, and he stresses her out when it comes to where he thinks that he should currently fall on her list of priorities right now and he likes to pull semi-passive aggressive stunts in order to get her attention. Thing is, back when they were dating years ago, she was in a different season, so there wasn’t as much going on as she has now.
And sadly, as much as she doesn’t want to accept it, although they may still love each other — or they’re addicted to the feelings of nostalgia which can seem like love sometimes — they don’t really complement each other’s lives or lifestyles. There are things that he wants that she cannot provide (yes, literally) and there are things that she needs that he doesn’t seem very good at adapting to. And so, for them to try and make things work in this season, it would be a literal disaster. So much writing is already on the wall to prove it.
Five years ago, when I wrote, “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life” for the platform, a part of the reason was because complement is a word that I bring up a lot when dealing with dating couples who are thinking about taking things to another level.
To complement is to help to complete in the sense of adding to your life, bringing balance to your world, and enriching you. If you can’t say this, with your entire self, about you and your ex — both directions, I might add — it’s not time to get back together. Whether that’s now or ever…in the wise words of DeBarge, time will reveal.
Does the Universe Seem to Be a Fan of the Idea?
Video Credit: @xmood.editss on TikTok
The Alchemistis one of my favorite books. No question. My brother introduced me to it many years ago. Anyway, the author is Paulo Coelho and one of the quotes from the book is also a fave of mine: “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." Okay, did you peep what Gabrielle said on a damn press junket about Keith and Ryan — A PRESS JUNKET?
Y’all, not everyone is going to have the kind of love story where everyone in their life is on board with them being together. I counsel folks like this and they have still had a strong relationship in spite of it. Oh, but when others admire the connection? When they see your dynamic as a standard? When those you care about can get with what you are doing and rally behind it? That is something that is beyond precious and is definitely a huge green flag. So, definitely keep this point in mind.
Moving on, if you’ve been consistently reading my content long enough, you know that me and my first love, chile — me and my first love…CHILE. LOL. Just over Super Bowl weekend, a guy he grew up with was still being a hype man for us. In fact, in a prior convo, he said something that really stayed with me: “It wasn’t until I got with my fiancée that I understood how a man could love a woman like [insert my first love’s name here] loves you.”
Listen, I wrote an entire article about why there is no need to chase anything in this life (check out “Chase Nothing, Sis: Why The Things You Want In Life Don’t Require A Chase”). Sometimes, just like with the perfect chocolate chip recipe, you’ve got to accept that you can’t do time’s job. Cookies need to sit in the oven and sometimes “the universe” needs to do its thing and fit other puzzle pieces together — ones that you don’t have access to.
However, another great indicator that you and your ex might need to consider taking another shot at love is if it seems like things are coming (back) together, without you having to do so much work — or is it toiling? — to make it happen.
Are You Both on Damn Near the Exact Same Page?
*Side note: I just adore this exchange between Keith and his dad*
My mother has always called me her “signs and wonders” child and so, it is totally on-brand for me to look at this and wonder if a part of the reason why Keith was so drawn to acting is because it was a “puzzle piece” in connecting him to Ryan — because y’all, if this does indeed work out in a jump the broom sort of way, it’s a reminder that one of the biggest decisions you will EVER make in life is who you are going to do life, for the rest of your life, with.
That said, though, the reason why this clip is relevant to this particular point is because, well, you heard what Keith’s dad said that Keith said, right? “If your heart is in it, you are going to give your all.” AND — AND YES, I AM YELLING THIS — IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXTEND THE TIME, EFFORT AND ENERGY TO SPIN THE BLOCK AND GET BACK WITH AN EX…BOTH OF YOU BETTER BE PREPARED TO GIVE YOUR ALL.
Because truly, why in the world would you return to something that you’ve already experienced and half-step it? That’s completely insane.
And honestly, I think that’s what’s up with me and my ex: we really just need to get married or leave each other alone and I think he knows what I deserve (yes, am qualified for) on the marriage tip. Am I waiting on him in the meantime? Nope. Not at all. Is the door completely shut, though? Due to my own convictions about the covenant of marriage, honestly, only if he gets married would that be the case (and it would be shut forever, even if he got a divorce).
However, we’re not on the same page right now because we’re not doing what Keith is talking about: giving our all. Either direction. We’re living our lives. You can love someone and still live your own life (someone needed to hear that).
And perhaps — I don’t know but perhaps — that is why Keith and Ryan broke up in the first place: because, indeed, it is an act of love to release someone when you know that you either can’t give them what they want or you don’t want the same things that they do.
Anyway, again, if you’re considering getting back with your ex, casually dating seems a bit ridiculous. Didn’t y’all already do that? It’s time to discuss if you both want the same things, at the same time now. If yes, awesome. If not, well — officially getting back together could prove to do more harm than good. Maybe it’s time to not write another chapter and just find another book (if you know what I mean).
Okay, so I went to see the movie The Fire Inside which is the true story of female boxer Claressa Shields. I salute Ryan because she was really, really good in it. Aight but what does this clip from her press run have to do with today’s topic? For starters, if you’ve followed Ryan’s career for a while, you know that she is very thoughtful and intentional about the roles that she plays. And, although, in many ways, she and Keith are pretty private about their relationship, when they do speak on it, it seems as if the same point applies.
They seem to want to be friends, they seem to want to be each other’s support system, and they seem to want to see each other win. They choose to have that kind of dynamic. Can you and your ex say the same thing? Not one or the other — both of you. Not back in the day…right now?
Next up: She said she believes that she possibly spoke The Fire Inside role into existence. Even Scripture says that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) — and you know what? Find me one clip where Ryan was wearing Keith out after they broke up or where Keith was telling all of her business when things ended. Even in the break-up, there was integrity.
Uh-huh. Let’s not act like there aren’t several other celebrity couples who seemed to go on press tours just to dog out their ex — and somehow, they ended up back together. Still, doesn’t it seem like you could trust someone so much more if you ended things “clean”? Aren’t you far more open to considering reuniting with an individual who “covered your character” even when the two of you were apart?
My point? Before getting back together with your ex, how did you break up, how did both of you handle the ending of the relationship and, along with feeling like you love each other, can you honestly say that you both respect (and respected) each other too — in words and in deed?
Speaking things into existence? Sometimes, the way we handle things of our past shows that we can be trusted for them to re-enter into our present. Words to live by.
Are You Not “Forcing It” to Happen?
So, according to YouTube, this clip was six years ago — and the way that Keith’s face lit up when he spoke of Ryan then — Google him; he has the same energy when being in her presence now. And as we wrap this up, although I kind of touched on this when speaking of my own ex, it’s worth really honing in on: if you’re trying to force you and your ex to get back together, you probably shouldn’t be.
Ain’t it a trip how Keith said that first they met, then they casually chatted on social media, then they would spontaneously hang out, and then things transitioned into something more? No pressure. No Old Testament scroll of demands and expectations. No drama. Just vibes. LOL. Awesome.
I can’t tell you how many times someone has told me that they were thinking about getting back with an ex and — it all just seemed so stressful. She was telling me all of what he would need to do to prove himself. He would tell me all of the reservations that he still kind of had. Both of them would keep bringing stuff from the past up. This? This is what it looks like when you’re trying to force a past relationship to happen again.
What Ryan and Keith seem to speak on is, that although they weren’t “official” for a while, they were still friends — and just like how they smoothly moved into a relationship in the beginning, it would appear that they smoothly moved into getting back together as well. Y’all, if you are going to get back with your ex, it shouldn’t wear you out to do it. Breaking up was hard enough. Getting back together shouldn’t be. Feel me?
____
Although I do think that a lot should be seriously considered when getting back with an old flame, I’m definitely not totally against it. Like I said, Ryan and Keith are back together, and I think that is a beautiful thing.
When it comes to your own life, though, just make sure that if you are going to bring your past into your present that it shows many signs of blessing and not cursing your future. These five signs, hopefully, will help to bring clarity to that. Because if you’re going to be with your ex again — it needs to be a good thing…the right thing. Not just something to do…again.
I’m pretty sure that Ryan and Keith would agree.
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Featured image by Emma McIntyre/Getty Images for ELLE
