“We rush into situations and we think that sex is the only way to build a connection. Sex does not build love. Don't get me wrong, sex is great, but it's not a “real love maker." A lot of women feel that if they can give a man good sex that she'll get his 'good love in return.' No queen, that's not how love works. You're not going to get what you want by simply laying down and playing house with someone. Partnership is bred from communication, understanding, commitment, honesty, friendship, and trust. Those things build true love." – Alex Elle
For a very long time, I thought the only way to attain intimacy in my relationship with my partner was to be intimate in the physical sense of the word. Intimacy is a word that has a few definitions, and although sexual intercourse can be one of them, the closeness and familiarity it alludes to is not limited to bedroom acts.
I love sex, but once writer and author Alex Elle took me to church and brought that point about intimacy home for me, I became a different woman when it came to being intimate with my partners. The girl who for so long felt like physicality was the only way to show my love had to grow into a woman who understood there's more to this thing than doo wop that thing.
But how does one establish and build intimacy when sex was all they knew?
Here are some simple yet effective ways to express love in your relationships without being physical:
Take a Long Walk
Sometimes, life hits you at full force and communication and quality time with your partner can easily become one of those things that see the backburner more often than not. A walk is a perfect cost-effective way to experience something together, catching up on one another's days, and enjoying the scenery along the way. It can be a perfect once a week check-in for couples on the go. Take things a step further by unplugging from your phones and social media throughout the duration of the walk. Challenge yourselves to be fully in the moment with your partner and see how connected you feel.
Kiss the Cook
Turn a chore or a mundane weeknight routine into an opportunity to spend time together one on one. Go through all of the steps of choosing a meal you'd like to share together, shopping for ingredients for the recipe, and then finally getting into the kitchen, taking turns with who tackles which component over a glass of wine. Cooking together is one of my favorite ways to connect and is incredibly underrated. When you take the time to bond like that, closeness is sure to follow.
It Takes Two to Make the Thing Go Right
Closeness builds intimacy and shared experiences help to further strengthen that. The hobby that you and your partner choose can be as simple as binge-watching a new favorite show together on Netflix or a little more complex and adventurous like ziplining, traveling, or taking a class in attempt to learn something new together. At least once a week, you and bae can partake in some bonding time together, sharing an experience mutual and exclusive to the two of you.
We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off
I think by far one of my favorite ways to build intimacy with my partner is in the bedroom and no, that doesn't necessarily mean sex. We lay in bed together, sometimes making our way to a cuddle position, but other times, indulging in silence as we sleep or look into each other's eyes and talk. Showing one another our current favorite songs is also on the agenda. It's beautiful to me because it's effortless. We just care about one another's presence in those moments. So laying together and forgetting the world can be yet another simple way to reinforce relationship intimacy.
What are some of your favorite ways to build intimacy with your love?
Featured image by Getty Images
- 11 Non-Sexual Ways To Increase The Intimacy In Your Relationship ... ›
- 11 Ways To Be Intimate Without Having Sex | Essence.com ›
- Intimacy Without Intercourse | HealthyWomen ›
- 7 Ways to Show Intimacy Without Having Sex | Her Campus ›
- Sex Without Intimacy/Intimacy Without Sex | Psychology Today ›
- Increasing Intimacy in Relationships Without Sex | CBN.com ›
- Sex Without Intimacy: No Dating, No Relationships : NPR ›
- Intimacy without Sex : asexuality ›
- I want to be intimate, but not have sex. Is this possible? - Sex, Etc. ›
With a multi-layered approach to her artistry, just as she did on that winter day in December 2013 with the infamous digital drop of her self-titled album, she changed the game again on February 1, 2023, when she announced her world tour in support of Renaissance, her seventh studio album. Her cultural impact set the internet ablaze, with everyone trying to gather their coins, barter for presale codes, and figure out which cities to attend. The group chats were lit, and the Beyhive was stressed trying to get their hands on tickets.
Beyoncé's Renaissance tour stop in L.A.
Photo courtesy of Dontaira Terrell
Unfortunately, I was in that number. As the concert dates passed by and the one in my city drawing near all roads led to disappointment. With time ticking on the day of the Miami show and less than two hours to spare, my wallet bit the bullet, and I purchased three last-minute tickets, costing roughly $700.00 a piece (including fees) for me, my 9-year-old and 16-year-old nieces in Section 121 at the Hard Rock Stadium. With 10 minutes before showtime, we eagerly awaited the Queen to take the stage. A sea of metallic fringes, cowboy hats, disco fans, and western boots were in full effect and filled the entire stadium.
Dontaira with her nieces at Beyoncé's Renaissance tour stop in Miami.
Photo courtesy of Dontaira Terrell
As the lights dimmed, a flood of emotions instantly overtook my body. It continued with each note she belted, along with nearly 50,000 roaring fans. The reverberating sound of the music through the stadium transported me from one era of my life to the next. As a teen girl in her bedroom daydreaming about her first love to blossoming into an unapologetic Black woman who is still on a road of self-discovery while learning to lean into the power anthem of "You won't break my soul." For over two hours, and with each set, I felt joy, love, peace, and a commanderie with fellow concertgoers. It was therapeutic as I danced like no one was watching and sang as if I were alone in my bathroom mirror.
There were no bars held, and I realized at that moment, "Nobody can judge me but me." The "Renaissance World Tour" proved to be so vast, and my Black girl joy was re-invigorated. It was magnetic and liberating, and I had to attend again, but this time, I needed to be up close and personal; I needed to be on the floor. In the days that passed, I watched more social media clips in different cities and asked myself if I would really splurge again to attend another Renaissance show.
Beyoncé's Renaissance tour stop in Miami.
Photo courtesy of Dontaira Terrell
After all, this would be my thirteenth time (maybe more because I lost count) seeing Beyoncé live, whether she was on tour with Destiny's Child, as a solo artist, or doing a live appearance. I contemplated for a while, but it worked itself out on its own. I was gifted two tickets and the next thing I knew, I was off to LA to attend another Renaissance show with floor seats at SoFi Stadium during Beyonce's 42nd birthday weekend! This time, things were different: no kids were allowed. It was adults only this go round.
Although the energy at the Miami and Los Angeles shows was empowering, infectious, and a celebration of life, happiness, and identity, they each provided their own unique experience. However, both concerts were what I needed for my well-being, leaving me with sore feet from dancing the night away, on vocal rest for the next few days from screaming at the top of my lungs, and on an indefinite high on life.
My introduction and love for Beyoncé began in 1996, while my older sister lived in Houston, TX, right before Bey hit the scene in 1998 with "No, No, No" as a budding R&B member. Her evolution twenty-seven years later as an international superstar and into womanhood has been an incredible journey to witness. As Mrs. Carter reminds each of us in the audience every night before the curtain closes, "I want you to remember this moment, where you're standing, who you came with, and take it with you. I hope you feel inspired."
I truly felt inspired, so thank you, Queen Bey. You awakened my inner child, and I will definitely remember these moments and take them with me.
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Feature image by Kevin Mazur/WireImage for Parkwood
