Sexual Compatibility Is As Important As Spiritual Compatibility
In most households, "sex" is a dirty and forbidden word. It's an act that is not to be carried out unless it's done under the Christian code of conduct, and is said to be a sacred union that was created only for procreation.
Many of us who were raised In religious households have learned to feel shame in regards to our sexuality due to the Western ideology that preaches Christian core values as a primary belief system. This rhetoric of sexual repression makes it easier for us to devalue the importance of sexual compatibility. We've come to value spiritual, religious, and political compatibility, but tend to overlook how important it is to ensure that our general views on human sexuality are aligned with the person we hope to spend our lives with.
As women, we still are expected to act as though sex is a non-factor because our mothers and grandmothers taught us that this sinful act only serves one purpose. It's important to remember that the reality for previous generations of women were much different. Their perception of sexuality was stifled by arranged marriages, where daughters were sold off like cattle to live barefoot and pregnant.
Sexual compatibility was obviously not a priority, ultimately making this concept uncharted territory for younger generations. Thus, the burden falls on us to gain a greater understanding, and dare I say, finish the work that was started in the 60s (without the drugs?).
As we strive to break away from some traditions and maintain others, it seems that we're conflicted by diverging messages of hookup culture and the ideology of our parents who preached abstinence and celibacy.
The shift in societal norms, along with the independence that women have gained both personally and professionally, are significantly relevant to how we view sex in 2018.
Unlike the women and men that come before us, we've begun to depart from the ideology that casual, lustful sex is a sin; our disdain for relationships and the longer waits for marriage have prompted us to explore self-pleasure without the restrictions of tradition.
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This new way of life makes it difficult to ignore sexual incompatibility, simply because you can't forget what's in Pandora's Box once it's been opened.
After we've been given the opportunity learn and understand what turns us on sexually through casual encounters and situationships, we have a tendency to revert to the unknown when it's time to settle down.
Unfortunately, you can only ignore sexual incompatibility for so long. I think this is why sex is one of the most cited reasons for divorce.
Sexually aligning yourself with a partner requires a level of authenticity and transparency that we find shameful. It's an honest process that is not currently required of us because deep communication is not necessarily a prerequisite for hooking up.
Sexual compatibility isn't just getting it in all day every day, it means knowing your hard and soft limits when it comes to trying new things in the bedroom.
How much sex do you need to maintain a sense of happiness, and how much does your partner require? Is spontaneity important? Are you willing to try new things? Is simply trying them enough to appease your partner? What are your views on sexual assault?
What are the expectations on communication when you're not into the sex? What are your beliefs regarding sex education for your children? What are their feelings on homosexuality and transexuality? Would they embrace a child who felt uncertain of their sexuality?
It's important that you know your partner's answers to all of these questions, that is, unless you want to live a life of frustration and sexual repression.
Personally, I know that I need a partner who is most always in the mood and open to exploring my kinks. For me, this may seem like a fair request, but for others it may seem unreasonable.
I believe that sexual compatibility is more essential to a relationship than views on religion or politics. Sex is so tied into self, that the inability to reciprocate pleasure in a way that satisfies both parties could do some serious damage.
Featured image by Julian Myles on Unsplash
Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy