What is the difference between bad, average, and great sex? If I ask thirty people this question, I would get thirty different answers. As someone who's had their fair share of both good and not-so-good sex, I understand that there is no one size fits all answer to this question. "Great sex" can mean different things to different people. Case in point, I once had an amazing sexual experience with a guy that a mutual “friend” had a horrible experience with. Great sex is subjective AF! According to the mutual friend his sex was subpar at best. One person’s trash is another one’s treasure. Great sex boils down to what is good for you and your partner at the moment. No two people are the same so no two sexual experiences will be the same either.
Even though what constitutes great sex differs from person to person, there are some common denominators we all share. I find that most people need: honest communication, vulnerability, and chemistry regardless of age, sexual orientation, and relationship status for great sex to take place. Rarely are penis size and earth-shattering orgasms a determining factor of great sex. I know for me, the older I get the more I realize great sex is less about big dicks and more about chemistry and connection.
But you don’t have to take my word for it here’s what some of my social media followers had to say about what makes sex great for them.
"I can honestly say, for me, now that I’m older, great sex is based off of mental stimulation. If we aren’t able to obtain this, the sex is just okay."
"Chemistry/attraction, communication, skills, he needs to have rhythm in his hips and talk dirty, be dominant, and submit sometimes when I feel like being dominant. There needs to be some music going on in the background, eye contact, not be in a rush if it’s not a quickie, reciprocity, and adventurous. Be vocal, silent sex doesn’t do it for me, like what is this, a cemetery? Open your mouth and let those pleasure sounds out, hunny."
"Genuine chemistry. Yes, sex can still be bomb when someone checks off your physical boxes: big ass, tall, dad bod... Whatever makes your sex organs tingle. But when you actually like them AND they are good in bed, then it's greatness."
"When it feels like an effortless, sensual, passionate dance. When we flow seamlessly communicating without words with our bodies. The chemistry, connection, and attraction inside of the bedroom [are] only an extension of the feelings outside of the bedroom."
"Paying attention to my body, talking me through my orgasm, not just pounding blindly like I'm some kind of sex toy, taking time to make sure I'm satisfied, and flipping my big ass like I'm a gyatdamn pillow."
"Feeling free enough to act/try things in a non-judgmental environment. Openness to criticism or direction. Accepting not everyone is the same and not everything is enjoyed or not by everybody. Our experience is OURS. And what we like with each other we may not like [with] others. We have to find our wave."
"After being with my husband for 35 years (since 10th grade) and married for 23, intimacy is key. We take our time and really enjoy each other. I’m not only still in love with him, but I still LIKE him."
"A safe space, trust, emotional awareness, intimacy, vulnerability, knowing each other's love languages, open communication, chemistry, and paying attention to each other's bodies, wants, and desires in and out of the bedroom."
"Willingness to communicate and adjust even during the act. Don’t give excuses that you were so caught up in what was going on that you didn’t pay attention. Great sex also includes willingness to quit expecting to duplicate what you see in porn, especially when the other person says they’re not interested."
"Total connection...meaning you wrap yourself around me, in me...try to see through me. Experience me...let me Experience you...your sounds. Guttural, ancestral...your smell...your released...come undone."
"The transcendent feeling when the world stops around you, there's no sound but you two, and there is no longer a goal. The pleasure is so all-consuming you remember how powerful it can be to surrender."
"True intimacy. It’s something that happens naturally when people are kind to each other. Attentiveness to the body. Equal satisfaction (because men that don’t like eating coochie are not fair partners to me), great foreplay, great aftercare (I make my partner clean me up before I get up to do anything and I do the same at times)."
"You have to be comfortable with the person. Sex should be fun, exploring what feels good instead of what you think pleasure should look like. Taking your time. Folks are in such a hurry to get to it, they miss all the good stuff that makes getting there even better. It's not a race. Intimacy...in all its forms."
"Bravery. Vulnerability. Softness (from the dominant/masculine partner). Boldness (from the feminine/submissive partner). Actually LIKING who you are with. (I don’t mean chemistry. I mean actually LIKING the person). And communicating after leaving each other’s presence. I LOVE a good recap or something to let me know that it’s still lingering on you!"
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Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Okay, so let's start here. Did you know that approximately 75 percent of Americans suffer from dehydration? And, while you might think that this article is running during the summertime because that is when we tend to be outside and perspiring the most, the reality is this could actually be published any time of the year. Why?
Because there is no time on the calendar when our bodies don't need a good amount of fluids running through them—you know, being that we're made up of around 65 percent water ourselves.
When your body has the right amount of fluids running through it, not only can that help to keep you nice and cool, but it can also keep your muscles and joints working at their optimal levels (you know, like while you're swimming or taking long walks along the beach 'n stuff). Plus, spending a lot of time out in the sun can definitely put you on the road to being dehydrated—quick, fast, and in a hurry.
If you're wondering if you already are dehydrated, but you're not sure what signs to look for to confirm it, here are 10 that tend to get overlooked, far more than they ever should.
1. Thirst
If you've ever heard the saying, "If you're thirsty, you're already dehydrated," there is actually a significant amount of truth to that. When there is a lack of fluid in our system (or too much sodium in our body), the amount of water volume that we need in order for our body to work correctly drops, which makes us want to drink more.
You can stay on top of this by drinking 2-3 cups of water per hour (when you're awake, of course). If you do that, you should avoid feeling thirsty or parched. And, when it comes to your body "flowing" smoothly, that's a good thing.
2. Fatigue
Word on the street is that when you're at the point of dehydration, you've already lost somewhere between 2-3 percent of your own body fluid. If that happens, it makes total sense that you would start to feel tired, drained, lethargic, and fatigued. When there isn't enough fluid in your system, your blood volume drops, and that keeps your brain from getting all of the blood (and oxygen) that it needs.
Plus, dehydration makes your heart pump faster than it needs to as well. So yeah, if you want an energy pick-me-up, drinking more fluids is a surefire way to go.
3. A “Pop Off” Spirit
If you feel like you're about to snap on somebody, drink something first. A couple of glasses of water, if you can. While it might sound crazy on the surface, another bona fide indication of dehydration is that you're in a bad mood. How do the two dots connect?
When your fluid levels are low, the neurons in your brain are able to easily detect that. As a result, they will signal to other parts of your brain what's up, including the area that regulates your moods. Hmph. Considering 75 percent of Americans are chronically dehydrated, it makes you wonder how many are irritable, short-tempered, and just plain mean, simply because they don't have as much fluid in their body as they should, huh?
4. Blurred Vision
Have you ever had moments when, while scrolling through your Instagram or trying to watch television, your eyes suddenly became blurry? Before you freak out, drink more. Our eyes need fluids in order to remain moist and comfortable. This means that when we are dehydrated and our body fluid levels drop, that can result in dry and irritated eyes. This is just one more reason why drinking more water is such a good idea.
5. Sugar Cravings
If you want to get a grasp of just how serious sugar addiction in this country is, check out Healthline's "America's Deadly Sugar Addiction Has Reached Epidemic Levels." But if you're typically not someone who is big on sugar, and yet, you find yourself having moments when you can't seem to get enough of it, this could be another sign that you're dehydrated.
Something that our organs need is a healthy amount of glucose. Well, when we don't have enough liquid in our body, that can make it difficult for organs like our liver to release glucose and provide our bodies with an energy boost. As a result, we might think that we need a sugar rush when really, all we need is to drink more. How crazy is that?
6. Unexplainable Breakouts
Whenever I get pimples that have nothing to do with my period, it's usually a heads-up for me that I need to drink more water. Something else that drinking more does is flush toxins out of our system and help to keep sebum from clogging up our pores. A lot of us are out here thinking that if we put everything under the sun on top of our zits that they'll go away. But the reality is, if we drank more good ole' H20, we probably wouldn't have so many pimples to deal with in the first place.
7. Bad Breath
There is someone I went to high school with who had the worst breath ever. Well, she and a guy I went to college with actually ran neck and neck with this particular "award." In hindsight, something that I realize they had in common is that I rarely, if ever, saw them drinking water. It was juice, soda—anything but. Here's the thing about that—when we don't get enough fluid into our system, that keeps us from producing the amount of saliva that we need in order to flush out oral bacteria.
When bacteria linger, not only does that create a breeding ground for tooth decay, but it can make our breath smell pretty damn tart as well. Just one more reason to drink more; more specifically, drink more water. For your sake and the sake of those around you.
8. Constipation
Quiet as it's kept, one of the leading causes of constipation is dehydration. We eat our food, it goes into our colon, and, if we don't have enough fluids in our body, our colon takes in the water from the food waste, making it harder for the waste to pass through us.
Constipation can ultimately lead to everything from hemorrhoids (from straining to having a bowel movement) and stomach aches to a lack of appetite and bad breakouts. All of it sucks. Avoid this by getting at least 6-8 glasses of water in on a daily basis.
9. Muscle Cramps
Do you ever get random Charley horses in your leg? Aren't they the absolute worst, especially if they happen in the middle of the night? That used to happen to me until I got more water into my system. What I discovered is that whenever I'm dehydrated, the lack of water (and sodium) that my muscles need can result in them tightening up in a way that oftentimes feels just like cramps.
This is really important to keep in mind, especially if you work out (and sweat) a lot or you plan on spending a lot of time outdoors where you'll lose a fair amount of body fluid.
10. Dry Skin
As we age, something that we definitely need to do is get more fluids into our system. When we don't, our skin starts to lose elasticity, which can lead to sagginess and wrinkles. Not to mention the fact that if our skin's pores don't get enough fluid, the natural sebum that we produce can decrease, resulting in our skin becoming mad parched and looking super dry.
So, if you want your skin to be soft, supple, and moist, you already know what I'm gonna say, right? Water will help to prevent your skin from looking and feeling parched, which can keep you looking younger than ever for longer than expected. Drink up, sis.
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Originally published on July 8, 2020