6 Signs You're A Sexually Mature Woman

Sex really is so much better when you approach it with a mature perspective.


Last spring, I wrote a piece for the site entitled, "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be". If you're rushing and you just want the list that I provided, it's this: passionate, creative, fulfilling, emotionally mature, reciprocal, consistent, private and real. I still very much stand by those points. But the reason I'm opening this up with that article is because I must admit that when I sat down to write this one, I thought about back when I was a teen mom director for a nonprofit and how often the teenagers in there would tell me how "grown" they were. They'd say that they were having children because they were grown or that they were having sex without protection because they were grown. They'd say that they didn't need any of my advice because they were—yep, you guessed it—grown.

While grown and mature can seem like they are one and the same, that's not 100-percent the case. Grown is oftentimes about how something (or someone) appears to be, while maturity usually can't be faked. Circumstances and situations can easily reveal if a person is truly mature or immature. And when it comes to whether a woman is sexually mature—sexually developed mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally—I wanted to take out a few moments to provide some examples that are dead giveaways so that you can make choices based on being mature and not just…grown.

1. You Have Sex Because YOU Want to…First


While sex is a game that, at least most times, two can play, it's important that you partake in it because you want to more than anything else. I can't tell you how many times I've literally talked someone off of some sort of low self-esteem ledge, all because they had sex with someone, believing that, if they did, that would make the guy want them more or even feel the same way that they do. Not only is that a HUGE gamble (peep this All Def Digital skit Smash or Pass to get an idea of what I mean; sex really can be nothing but a physical act for a lot of people), but real talk—you're better than that. Empires have literally risen and fallen because of the power that lies between a woman's legs. Or, as a wise older woman once said, "You're sitting on a million dollars and giving it away for a Happy Meal." Unfortunately, we think the prize inside of that meal is a man's heart.

A sexually mature woman is fully aware that sex is something that isn't merely "for a man"; it's something that should be enjoyed, to the utmost, by both individuals. And since she is responsible for herself, it's important that she participates, more than anything, because she wants to. Not because it's expected of her, not because she's being pressured into doing it, and not because it will get a man to do what she wants him to outside of the bedroom. It's very immature—and by that, I mean underdeveloped—to believe otherwise. Please avoid this dangerous way of thinking.

2. You Don’t Use Sex As a Tool of Manipulation


"Coochie coupons". That's what I call them. If I get some push-back on this, that's fine, but it really bothers me when I hear a woman strategize getting something that she wants by using sex, or even worse, advising that other women do the same. You know, saying something along the lines of, "Girl, if you want him to get you those shoes, all you gotta do is give him some." Umm, does everyone know what the definition of prostitution is? It's engaging in sexual activity for money (or something that money can buy). Period. So naw, I'm not a big fan of going into the act of sex with a "give to get something monetary or tangible" mentality. No matter how you dice it, it's a form of manipulation (to put it nicely) and that is never a good look.

Am I saying that sex doesn't release stress and bring two people closer together which can result in a partner wanting to bless their companion? Indeed, it can. But how would you feel if a guy's only or even main reason for having sex with you was so that he could emotionally manipulate you or take advantage of you? Doesn't feel very good, does it? So, why would you do that to your partner?

Sexually mature people don't use sex as a tool to control someone; they use sex as a way to connect with them. Anything else is a bonus. NOT their motive.

3. You Are Able to Separate Good Sex from a Healthy Relationship


Guys know that many of us—not all, but many—have a hard time separating our heart from our parts. So much in fact that one guy I know—who has at least eight kids by four different women, last I checked—once told me that the way he was able to get out of paying child support was by continuing to sleep with all of the mothers of his children. It's not because he loves them; it's because it's his way of blurring the lines and preventing them from seeing matters clearly.

I once heard R&B singer Tank say in a pretty infamous interview (I don't feel right hyperlinking it; it's just that notorious) that he used to be known for having sex with women like he had been knowing them and was in love with them for years, even if that couldn't be further from the truth. He ain't the only man who's wired that way. That's one of the main reasons I wrote articles like "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner", "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'", and "Experts Believe Passion (Not Love) Makes Sex Better. You Agree?"

I know what it's like for sex to be so outstanding that you think your partner is good for you simply because they might feel good to you (some of y'all will catch that later). But experience (first) and maturity (second) have taught me that there is a difference between climaxing and intimacy and, just because a man is good in bed, that doesn't automatically make him a worthy candidate for a relationship. If you don't believe me, check out a few episodes of the podcast, Advice From A F*ck Boy. If that doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.

4. Your Entire Self-Worth Is Not Based on Your Sexiness or Sexual Performance


Although I am a big fan of linking sources, something else that I'll spare you from is a tweet that I recently saw—one that, as much as I read, research, and talk about sex, still had me over here like, "Wow. Really?" At my age (45), it's hard to tell the difference between what 15 and 20 looks like at this point, but what I do know is the girl on the video was young. What I also know is whoever filmed her performing fellatio on—wait for it—a gas nozzle (she even took the time to put a whole condom on it) is NOT her friend. Shoot, the girl doing the act isn't her own friend, either. As I was reading the comments, what I noticed is a lot of folks were calling her a clout chaser. Perhaps. But the first thing that came to my mind is how much she must base her self-worth in her sexuality.

Is that an extreme example of this particular point? Lord, I hope so. But let's not act like sex doesn't sell and that a lot of women base their self-esteem on how sexy they are or on how good their sexual performance may be. I know I used to be that way. It actually took becoming abstinent to realize that being told that I'm sexy is nice and being told that I ain't too shabby in bed is cool, but if a man doesn't see my worth and value beyond that, something is very dysfunctional within our dynamic. More importantly, if I don't see my worth and value beyond that, something is very, very awry within myself.

5. Your Sex Life Is Part of Your World but It Doesn’t Consume It


One definition of mature is "completely developed". Now, I talk about sex…a lot. I mean, a lot. But it's still considerably less than I used to. One day, when I took out a moment to ponder why that was the case, I realized it was because I used to always lead with the thing that I felt the most comfortable with and confident in. I was knowledgeable about sex, I had been told that I was good at it and, my self-esteem at the time was constantly looking for ego boosts so—sex, sex, sex is all that would come out of my mouth. But as I began to nurture other parts of my being, I saw how immature that way of thinking and approach was—how immature it is to be a one-dimensional being, period. Because, again, to be mature is to be developed and a completely developed person brings more than one topic or issue to the table. They don't always lead with just one thing and they encourage their own selves to expand their horizons.

If you choose to look at sexual maturity, just from this angle alone, and then think about how much sexually related stuff that you see on Instagram on a daily basis, it might make you wonder how many sexually mature people actually exist. The good news is you have the power to be one of them—and then to model what that looks (and acts) like to others.

6. Your Holistic Health and Well-Being Trumps Everything


A couple of years ago, I wrote "Each Of My 14 Sex Partners Taught Me Something New" for the site. While I get that everyone might not want to put their entire sex life on blast, I do recommend doing a little sex journaling on the topic. For one thing, make no mistake about it, soul ties are very real. It's a good idea to take "inventory" on how your sex partners and patterns have and/or are affecting you. Another reason why it's a good idea is because, we're all sexual beings. Because we consist of a mind, heart and body, sex affects all three.

That said, oftentimes, there is "sexual imbalance" (if not straight-up mayhem) in our lives because we lack the wisdom, insight and yes, maturity to realize if there is a sexual activity or sexual partner who is only benefiting one part of us, they're not really doing us much good.

An example of where I am coming from is, if sex is good to your body but it's got you constantly stressed out and heartbroken too, at the end of the day, it's not doing you much good at all. Sexually immature individuals ignore this fact while sexually mature people tend to nip the sex in the bud because nothing is worth sabotaging their holistic health and well-being. Sexually mature people know that good sex is easier to come by than finding oneself after it's been "lost" in another person.

I'll be the first to say that sex is beautiful, breathtaking and magnificent. But it's this and so much more when the two people having it are sexually mature. When they approach sex from the angle of being emotionally well-developed, spiritually cultivated and mentally sound. This year, make it a goal to either become or remain a sexually mature woman. Then require that your partner be nothing less. Feel me? Something tells me that you totally do.

Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:

9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.

10 Things Couples Who (Consistently) Have Great Sex Do

These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom

I Only Have One Rule In The Bedroom: I Come First.

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.


We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

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