Last spring, I wrote a piece for the site entitled, "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be". If you're rushing and you just want the list that I provided, it's this: passionate, creative, fulfilling, emotionally mature, reciprocal, consistent, private and real. I still very much stand by those points. But the reason I'm opening this up with that article is because I must admit that when I sat down to write this one, I thought about back when I was a teen mom director for a nonprofit and how often the teenagers in there would tell me how "grown" they were. They'd say that they were having children because they were grown or that they were having sex without protection because they were grown. They'd say that they didn't need any of my advice because they were—yep, you guessed it—grown.
While grown and mature can seem like they are one and the same, that's not 100-percent the case. Grown is oftentimes about how something (or someone) appears to be, while maturity usually can't be faked. Circumstances and situations can easily reveal if a person is truly mature or immature. And when it comes to whether a woman is sexually mature—sexually developed mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally—I wanted to take out a few moments to provide some examples that are dead giveaways so that you can make choices based on being mature and not just…grown.
1. You Have Sex Because YOU Want to…First
While sex is a game that, at least most times, two can play, it's important that you partake in it because you want to more than anything else. I can't tell you how many times I've literally talked someone off of some sort of low self-esteem ledge, all because they had sex with someone, believing that, if they did, that would make the guy want them more or even feel the same way that they do. Not only is that a HUGE gamble (peep this All Def Digital skit Smash or Pass to get an idea of what I mean; sex really can be nothing but a physical act for a lot of people), but real talk—you're better than that. Empires have literally risen and fallen because of the power that lies between a woman's legs. Or, as a wise older woman once said, "You're sitting on a million dollars and giving it away for a Happy Meal." Unfortunately, we think the prize inside of that meal is a man's heart.
A sexually mature woman is fully aware that sex is something that isn't merely "for a man"; it's something that should be enjoyed, to the utmost, by both individuals. And since she is responsible for herself, it's important that she participates, more than anything, because she wants to. Not because it's expected of her, not because she's being pressured into doing it, and not because it will get a man to do what she wants him to outside of the bedroom. It's very immature—and by that, I mean underdeveloped—to believe otherwise. Please avoid this dangerous way of thinking.
2. You Don’t Use Sex As a Tool of Manipulation
"Coochie coupons". That's what I call them. If I get some push-back on this, that's fine, but it really bothers me when I hear a woman strategize getting something that she wants by using sex, or even worse, advising that other women do the same. You know, saying something along the lines of, "Girl, if you want him to get you those shoes, all you gotta do is give him some." Umm, does everyone know what the definition of prostitution is? It's engaging in sexual activity for money (or something that money can buy). Period. So naw, I'm not a big fan of going into the act of sex with a "give to get something monetary or tangible" mentality. No matter how you dice it, it's a form of manipulation (to put it nicely) and that is never a good look.
Am I saying that sex doesn't release stress and bring two people closer together which can result in a partner wanting to bless their companion? Indeed, it can. But how would you feel if a guy's only or even main reason for having sex with you was so that he could emotionally manipulate you or take advantage of you? Doesn't feel very good, does it? So, why would you do that to your partner?
Sexually mature people don't use sex as a tool to control someone; they use sex as a way to connect with them. Anything else is a bonus. NOT their motive.
3. You Are Able to Separate Good Sex from a Healthy Relationship
Guys know that many of us—not all, but many—have a hard time separating our heart from our parts. So much in fact that one guy I know—who has at least eight kids by four different women, last I checked—once told me that the way he was able to get out of paying child support was by continuing to sleep with all of the mothers of his children. It's not because he loves them; it's because it's his way of blurring the lines and preventing them from seeing matters clearly.
I once heard R&B singer Tank say in a pretty infamous interview (I don't feel right hyperlinking it; it's just that notorious) that he used to be known for having sex with women like he had been knowing them and was in love with them for years, even if that couldn't be further from the truth. He ain't the only man who's wired that way. That's one of the main reasons I wrote articles like "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner", "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'", and "Experts Believe Passion (Not Love) Makes Sex Better. You Agree?"
I know what it's like for sex to be so outstanding that you think your partner is good for you simply because they might feel good to you (some of y'all will catch that later). But experience (first) and maturity (second) have taught me that there is a difference between climaxing and intimacy and, just because a man is good in bed, that doesn't automatically make him a worthy candidate for a relationship. If you don't believe me, check out a few episodes of the podcast, Advice From A F*ck Boy. If that doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.
4. Your Entire Self-Worth Is Not Based on Your Sexiness or Sexual Performance
Although I am a big fan of linking sources, something else that I'll spare you from is a tweet that I recently saw—one that, as much as I read, research, and talk about sex, still had me over here like, "Wow. Really?" At my age (45), it's hard to tell the difference between what 15 and 20 looks like at this point, but what I do know is the girl on the video was young. What I also know is whoever filmed her performing fellatio on—wait for it—a gas nozzle (she even took the time to put a whole condom on it) is NOT her friend. Shoot, the girl doing the act isn't her own friend, either. As I was reading the comments, what I noticed is a lot of folks were calling her a clout chaser. Perhaps. But the first thing that came to my mind is how much she must base her self-worth in her sexuality.
Is that an extreme example of this particular point? Lord, I hope so. But let's not act like sex doesn't sell and that a lot of women base their self-esteem on how sexy they are or on how good their sexual performance may be. I know I used to be that way. It actually took becoming abstinent to realize that being told that I'm sexy is nice and being told that I ain't too shabby in bed is cool, but if a man doesn't see my worth and value beyond that, something is very dysfunctional within our dynamic. More importantly, if I don't see my worth and value beyond that, something is very, very awry within myself.
5. Your Sex Life Is Part of Your World but It Doesn’t Consume It
One definition of mature is "completely developed". Now, I talk about sex…a lot. I mean, a lot. But it's still considerably less than I used to. One day, when I took out a moment to ponder why that was the case, I realized it was because I used to always lead with the thing that I felt the most comfortable with and confident in. I was knowledgeable about sex, I had been told that I was good at it and, my self-esteem at the time was constantly looking for ego boosts so—sex, sex, sex is all that would come out of my mouth. But as I began to nurture other parts of my being, I saw how immature that way of thinking and approach was—how immature it is to be a one-dimensional being, period. Because, again, to be mature is to be developed and a completely developed person brings more than one topic or issue to the table. They don't always lead with just one thing and they encourage their own selves to expand their horizons.
If you choose to look at sexual maturity, just from this angle alone, and then think about how much sexually related stuff that you see on Instagram on a daily basis, it might make you wonder how many sexually mature people actually exist. The good news is you have the power to be one of them—and then to model what that looks (and acts) like to others.
6. Your Holistic Health and Well-Being Trumps Everything
A couple of years ago, I wrote "Each Of My 14 Sex Partners Taught Me Something New" for the site. While I get that everyone might not want to put their entire sex life on blast, I do recommend doing a little sex journaling on the topic. For one thing, make no mistake about it, soul ties are very real. It's a good idea to take "inventory" on how your sex partners and patterns have and/or are affecting you. Another reason why it's a good idea is because, we're all sexual beings. Because we consist of a mind, heart and body, sex affects all three.
That said, oftentimes, there is "sexual imbalance" (if not straight-up mayhem) in our lives because we lack the wisdom, insight and yes, maturity to realize if there is a sexual activity or sexual partner who is only benefiting one part of us, they're not really doing us much good.
An example of where I am coming from is, if sex is good to your body but it's got you constantly stressed out and heartbroken too, at the end of the day, it's not doing you much good at all. Sexually immature individuals ignore this fact while sexually mature people tend to nip the sex in the bud because nothing is worth sabotaging their holistic health and well-being. Sexually mature people know that good sex is easier to come by than finding oneself after it's been "lost" in another person.
I'll be the first to say that sex is beautiful, breathtaking and magnificent. But it's this and so much more when the two people having it are sexually mature. When they approach sex from the angle of being emotionally well-developed, spiritually cultivated and mentally sound. This year, make it a goal to either become or remain a sexually mature woman. Then require that your partner be nothing less. Feel me? Something tells me that you totally do.
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