As we enter a new year, you and your partner are coming off of enjoying a few days off and you’re (hopefully) discussing some of the ways that you want to improve your relationship in the upcoming months, I hope that one of the topics that come up is your sex life. Because while a lot of people seem to treat sex like it’s the icing on the cake of their dynamic, I prefer to see it as an ingredient in the cake. It really can’t be said enough that one of the main things that (usually) set a long-term relationship apart from all of the other connections that people have is the sex — and since that makes sex exceptional, it should be treated as such…wouldn’t you say?
So, keeping this in mind, what kind of sex do you want to have this year? If what immediately comes to your mind is, “What do you mean? I want to have good sex” (duh), then I think you should read this all the way through. Because in order to have good, better or (again hopefully) off-the-charts sex, there are a few different points that should be explored — first.
What Grade Would You Give Your Sex Life Last Year?
Something that I say (and wholeheartedly believe) often is, “The problem with a lot of us is, we’re so used to experiencing an ‘F’ that we think a ‘C’ is an ‘A.’” While I typically apply this to relationships, sex can fit right in with it too. While when we first start having sex with someone new, the focus may be on how good or not-so-good it is, it’s pretty common that once you get into something serious, you don’t put as much thought into how great or not-so-great it might be or what could be done to make things better. You kind of just accept that this is who you’re with and this is the way sex is gonna be.
Listen, if you’re in a long-term dynamic, I’m assuming that you’re trying to be in it for the long haul, right? And if both of you signed up for exclusivity, that means you’re only going to be sleeping with each other. Therefore, you’d better care about if the sex is amazing — or not. That’s why I think it’s crucial that you both put your ego aside and put a grade on your sex life. Based on whatever the “score” is, both of you should explain it. Better to have a couple of minutes of uncomfortableness in hearing what’s up than to sign up for another year of C or below experiences (overall). Right?
Is Sex a Real Priority for You Both?
A wise person once said something that is oh so very true, across the board — “No one is busy. It just depends what number you are on their priority list.” This is why, when married couples talk to me about how they can’t recall the last time they had sex because of how “busy” they’ve been, while I try to keep from letting them see it, I do end up rolling my eyes. Sex is about intimacy. Sex is a profound form of communication. Orgasms have a ton of holistic benefits (check out “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day” and “10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently”). So, why is it that you can find time to do any and everything else but participate in some consistent copulation? Again, it’s all about priorities.
And what’s the indication that you prioritize sex? Word on the street is, if you have sex about once a week, you’ve got a pretty “normal” sex life. My take is, if you get that sex is a staple in any romantic relationship and you keep pushing lower on your to-do list, that is revealing more about your connection — or disconnection — with your partner than you might think. Going into the new year, prioritizing sex must be a topic of conversation. Don’t put it off. Do it as soon as you possibly can.
Are You and Your Partner Great “Sex Communicators”?
Speaking of conversations, good sex is all about great communication and communication is about imparting something and interchanging something. You know, there’s a husband I know who brags about how good of a communicator he is. His wife and I find that to be past hilarious because he honestly doesn’t seem to know the difference between a monologue (hearing himself talk) and a dialogue (exchanging ideas with others) and he absolutely sucks at listening. Interestingly enough, this very husband was the inspiration behind the article, “BDE: Please Let The ‘It Needs To Be Huge’ Myth Go” that I wrote last year because, another fascinating about him is, he seems to think that because he’s “packin,’” he’s automatically good in bed. Chile, LOUD and WRONG again.
It really should come as no surprise that a lot of people who are poor communicators outside of the bedroom are also pretty bad at doing it inside of the bedroom too. And just what are some indications of being a poor communicator? Making assumptions. Thinking that your voice is what’s more important. Refusing to compromise. Acting like your opinions should be treated like facts. Being patronizing or condescending. Not respecting what the other person is saying. See how that can make someone be bad in bed?
A man can be entirely in you (yes literally), with your permission, and you can still feel like the two of you are miles apart. Since I believe that sex is an ultimate form of communication and the closer that two people feel on a mental and emotional level, the better their relationship can/should become, definitely discuss how good the two of you are about communicating on a sexual level as far as speaking and being heard about what your wants and needs are. If you need a little help in this department, check out “9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.”. At the very least, it can help to put the two of you on the right track.
Do You Want More Passion or Intimacy?
Here’s the thing about passion — a lot of those crazy women on Lifetime television and that show For My Man are “passionate.” I’ve got a male friend right now who has a possessive AF girlfriend who constantly fights with him and then they have make-up sex that is passionate (check out “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good”). So, please don’t assume that if you’re climbing the walls during sex while thinking that you are about to lose your mind the rest of the time, that you’re in something that is good, healthy, or wise. One way or another, passion alone has destroyed many lives.
With those disclaimers out of the way, do I think that there is a good side to passion? Definitely. When powerful and strong emotions are tied into love (or at least deeply caring for someone) and that is expressed sexually, it can be a pretty beautiful thing. So, let’s start there. When’s the last time that you and your partner talked about how you feel about each other? Listen, just because you’re together, that doesn’t always or automatically mean that you feel the same way you did last year or that some things haven’t shifted so…discuss it. If you feel like some passion — that “I can’t wait to tear your clothes off because I’ve just gotta have you right here and now” sex — is missing, 7 times outta 10, that tends to be more about what’s going on in your head than the rest of your body parts.
And what about intimacy? One definition of that word is “a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.”; another is “a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.” A part of the reason why new couples need to date is to get to know each other. A part of the reason why long-term couples should is to get to know each other more and better. Only arrogant individuals presume that they know all that there is to know about everything and everyone.
That said, if intimacy during sex is what you desire to have more of in the upcoming year, you need to get more “detailed knowledge,” a “deeper understanding” and to become “(even) more affectionate” with your partner. Quality time is a huge part of what can make that happen, so definitely put more dates on your to-do list for the upcoming months (check out “10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home),” “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language” and “When's The Last Time You And Your Man Had A 'Sex Date'?”).
How “Risky” Are Things?
I will forever die on the hill that one of the most underrated reasons for why two people decide to call it quits is boredom. And when it comes to sexual boredom, it’s important that couples take more risks. Keeping this in mind, when’s the last time you and your partner checked something off of each other’s sex-themed bucket list, taped a sexual encounter, or went on a sexcation? When’s the last time you had sex outside of your bedroom or bathroom, tried a position that you’ve never done, or attempted a sexual goal that you’ve yet to reach (like maybe how many orgasms you can both have in one night)? A wise person once said that there can’t be rewards without risk. Your sex life can apply to this statement — ten-fold.
How Much Is Sex the “Glue” in the Relationship?
Glue is what holds things together and even the Good Book says that sex makes two people one (which is why people need to be very careful about who they “one themselves to” — Genesis 2:24-25, I Corinthians 6:16-20 — Message). Not only that but oxytocin is a natural hormone that literally makes two people feel closer to one another during physical acts of intimacy and affection. With that said, while I do think that it’s unhealthy to solely rely on sex to keep your relationship afloat, at the same time, I do think that it should be respected as a vital part of what keeps you and yours in a good space.
So, tell me something — how much is sex the “glue” in your relationship? How much do you look forward to it with your partner? How safe and secure within your bond does it make you feel? When it comes to the things that you enjoy the most about your connection, where does sex go on the list? You know, glue is a type of adhesive, one definition of adhesive is tenacious and to be tenacious is to “hold fast,” be “highly retentive” and “not easily pulled asunder.”
Unfortunately, we live in a culture that has gotten way too flippant and casual about sex. Still, if you look at it past the surface, it can help you and your partner remain unbreakably close. It can be a type of glue that makes your bond unmatched. If you let it.
What Is Your Sex Mission Statement?
A philanthropist by the name of Andrew Carnegie once said, “If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy, and inspires your hopes.” That said, from both a personal and professional perspective, I am all about mission statements because they’re a great way to set goals, remove distractions (and excuses) and stay focused. So…where’s y’all’s sex mission statement at? Straight up. If you want to have a better and more fulfilling sex life in the upcoming year, it’s important that you and your partner get together to jot down a couple of paragraphs about what kind of goals you want to set surrounding your sex life and the mutual commitment that you both will make to achieve said-goals. Then put the statement somewhere where you both can see it on a regular basis.
Research says that you have a 42 percent greater chance of reaching your goals when you write them down. That said, please determine in your mind to go into 2022 with an official sex mission statement. It’s a bona fide way to end this year with a bigger smile on your face than you started it with. I can almost guarantee it!
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