Long-Term Couples: What Kind Of Sex Do You Want To Have This Year?
As we enter a new year, you and your partner are coming off of enjoying a few days off and you’re (hopefully) discussing some of the ways that you want to improve your relationship in the upcoming months, I hope that one of the topics that come up is your sex life. Because while a lot of people seem to treat sex like it’s the icing on the cake of their dynamic, I prefer to see it as an ingredient in the cake. It really can’t be said enough that one of the main things that (usually) set a long-term relationship apart from all of the other connections that people have is the sex — and since that makes sex exceptional, it should be treated as such…wouldn’t you say?
So, keeping this in mind, what kind of sex do you want to have this year? If what immediately comes to your mind is, “What do you mean? I want to have good sex” (duh), then I think you should read this all the way through. Because in order to have good, better or (again hopefully) off-the-charts sex, there are a few different points that should be explored — first.
What Grade Would You Give Your Sex Life Last Year?
Something that I say (and wholeheartedly believe) often is, “The problem with a lot of us is, we’re so used to experiencing an ‘F’ that we think a ‘C’ is an ‘A.’” While I typically apply this to relationships, sex can fit right in with it too. While when we first start having sex with someone new, the focus may be on how good or not-so-good it is, it’s pretty common that once you get into something serious, you don’t put as much thought into how great or not-so-great it might be or what could be done to make things better. You kind of just accept that this is who you’re with and this is the way sex is gonna be.
Listen, if you’re in a long-term dynamic, I’m assuming that you’re trying to be in it for the long haul, right? And if both of you signed up for exclusivity, that means you’re only going to be sleeping with each other. Therefore, you’d better care about if the sex is amazing — or not. That’s why I think it’s crucial that you both put your ego aside and put a grade on your sex life. Based on whatever the “score” is, both of you should explain it. Better to have a couple of minutes of uncomfortableness in hearing what’s up than to sign up for another year of C or below experiences (overall). Right?
Is Sex a Real Priority for You Both?
A wise person once said something that is oh so very true, across the board — “No one is busy. It just depends what number you are on their priority list.” This is why, when married couples talk to me about how they can’t recall the last time they had sex because of how “busy” they’ve been, while I try to keep from letting them see it, I do end up rolling my eyes. Sex is about intimacy. Sex is a profound form of communication. Orgasms have a ton of holistic benefits (check out “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day” and “10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently”). So, why is it that you can find time to do any and everything else but participate in some consistent copulation? Again, it’s all about priorities.
And what’s the indication that you prioritize sex? Word on the street is, if you have sex about once a week, you’ve got a pretty “normal” sex life. My take is, if you get that sex is a staple in any romantic relationship and you keep pushing lower on your to-do list, that is revealing more about your connection — or disconnection — with your partner than you might think. Going into the new year, prioritizing sex must be a topic of conversation. Don’t put it off. Do it as soon as you possibly can.
Are You and Your Partner Great “Sex Communicators”?
Speaking of conversations, good sex is all about great communication and communication is about imparting something and interchanging something. You know, there’s a husband I know who brags about how good of a communicator he is. His wife and I find that to be past hilarious because he honestly doesn’t seem to know the difference between a monologue (hearing himself talk) and a dialogue (exchanging ideas with others) and he absolutely sucks at listening. Interestingly enough, this very husband was the inspiration behind the article, “BDE: Please Let The ‘It Needs To Be Huge’ Myth Go” that I wrote last year because, another fascinating about him is, he seems to think that because he’s “packin,’” he’s automatically good in bed. Chile, LOUD and WRONG again.
It really should come as no surprise that a lot of people who are poor communicators outside of the bedroom are also pretty bad at doing it inside of the bedroom too. And just what are some indications of being a poor communicator? Making assumptions. Thinking that your voice is what’s more important. Refusing to compromise. Acting like your opinions should be treated like facts. Being patronizing or condescending. Not respecting what the other person is saying. See how that can make someone be bad in bed?
A man can be entirely in you (yes literally), with your permission, and you can still feel like the two of you are miles apart. Since I believe that sex is an ultimate form of communication and the closer that two people feel on a mental and emotional level, the better their relationship can/should become, definitely discuss how good the two of you are about communicating on a sexual level as far as speaking and being heard about what your wants and needs are. If you need a little help in this department, check out “9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.”. At the very least, it can help to put the two of you on the right track.
Do You Want More Passion or Intimacy?
Here’s the thing about passion — a lot of those crazy women on Lifetime television and that show For My Man are “passionate.” I’ve got a male friend right now who has a possessive AF girlfriend who constantly fights with him and then they have make-up sex that is passionate (check out “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good”). So, please don’t assume that if you’re climbing the walls during sex while thinking that you are about to lose your mind the rest of the time, that you’re in something that is good, healthy, or wise. One way or another, passion alone has destroyed many lives.
With those disclaimers out of the way, do I think that there is a good side to passion? Definitely. When powerful and strong emotions are tied into love (or at least deeply caring for someone) and that is expressed sexually, it can be a pretty beautiful thing. So, let’s start there. When’s the last time that you and your partner talked about how you feel about each other? Listen, just because you’re together, that doesn’t always or automatically mean that you feel the same way you did last year or that some things haven’t shifted so…discuss it. If you feel like some passion — that “I can’t wait to tear your clothes off because I’ve just gotta have you right here and now” sex — is missing, 7 times outta 10, that tends to be more about what’s going on in your head than the rest of your body parts.
And what about intimacy? One definition of that word is “a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.”; another is “a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.” A part of the reason why new couples need to date is to get to know each other. A part of the reason why long-term couples should is to get to know each other more and better. Only arrogant individuals presume that they know all that there is to know about everything and everyone.
That said, if intimacy during sex is what you desire to have more of in the upcoming year, you need to get more “detailed knowledge,” a “deeper understanding” and to become “(even) more affectionate” with your partner. Quality time is a huge part of what can make that happen, so definitely put more dates on your to-do list for the upcoming months (check out “10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home),” “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language” and “When's The Last Time You And Your Man Had A 'Sex Date'?”).
How “Risky” Are Things?
I will forever die on the hill that one of the most underrated reasons for why two people decide to call it quits is boredom. And when it comes to sexual boredom, it’s important that couples take more risks. Keeping this in mind, when’s the last time you and your partner checked something off of each other’s sex-themed bucket list, taped a sexual encounter, or went on a sexcation? When’s the last time you had sex outside of your bedroom or bathroom, tried a position that you’ve never done, or attempted a sexual goal that you’ve yet to reach (like maybe how many orgasms you can both have in one night)? A wise person once said that there can’t be rewards without risk. Your sex life can apply to this statement — ten-fold.
How Much Is Sex the “Glue” in the Relationship?
Glue is what holds things together and even the Good Book says that sex makes two people one (which is why people need to be very careful about who they “one themselves to” — Genesis 2:24-25, I Corinthians 6:16-20 — Message). Not only that but oxytocin is a natural hormone that literally makes two people feel closer to one another during physical acts of intimacy and affection. With that said, while I do think that it’s unhealthy to solely rely on sex to keep your relationship afloat, at the same time, I do think that it should be respected as a vital part of what keeps you and yours in a good space.
So, tell me something — how much is sex the “glue” in your relationship? How much do you look forward to it with your partner? How safe and secure within your bond does it make you feel? When it comes to the things that you enjoy the most about your connection, where does sex go on the list? You know, glue is a type of adhesive, one definition of adhesive is tenacious and to be tenacious is to “hold fast,” be “highly retentive” and “not easily pulled asunder.”
Unfortunately, we live in a culture that has gotten way too flippant and casual about sex. Still, if you look at it past the surface, it can help you and your partner remain unbreakably close. It can be a type of glue that makes your bond unmatched. If you let it.
What Is Your Sex Mission Statement?
A philanthropist by the name of Andrew Carnegie once said, “If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy, and inspires your hopes.” That said, from both a personal and professional perspective, I am all about mission statements because they’re a great way to set goals, remove distractions (and excuses) and stay focused. So…where’s y’all’s sex mission statement at? Straight up. If you want to have a better and more fulfilling sex life in the upcoming year, it’s important that you and your partner get together to jot down a couple of paragraphs about what kind of goals you want to set surrounding your sex life and the mutual commitment that you both will make to achieve said-goals. Then put the statement somewhere where you both can see it on a regular basis.
Research says that you have a 42 percent greater chance of reaching your goals when you write them down. That said, please determine in your mind to go into 2022 with an official sex mission statement. It’s a bona fide way to end this year with a bigger smile on your face than you started it with. I can almost guarantee it!
Featured image by Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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7 Black Men On TikTok Making Everyday Living Look ThirstTrappy
You know how many of us, ladies, keep wondering why men don’t have the same sexy, handsome looks of yesteryear? That look from the ‘60s to the ‘90s? I FOUND THEM. And guess what? They’re doing what “real” men do best…simply making themselves handy (and not just in the traditional, gendered sense of the word). These fellas make it easy to fantasize about the reality that there are still good men out there – men who come into the lives of women and make it easier and softer by contributing every day but meaningful ways.
No, I don’t know them in real life because I found them via TikTok, but that’s the fun of fantasizing. You get to take one piece of the pie and make up the rest of it as you go alone. It’s like a game of MASH–choose your fighter and then go from there.
When I was watching their videos, I was totally unaware that my libido had been laying so low OR how attractive a useful man was until I tuned in to these guys (it started with Cam, and you’ll see why shortly). And I don’t mean to make it sound like men are only as good as what they can do for you, but I think it’s safe to say that far too many men are weaponizing their incompetence and enjoy being cared for but aren’t as quick to pour back into the women keeping their day-to-day afloat. Not even in minimal ways.
That said, these men seem to be a breath of fresh air on a sunshiny day. And, allow me to be wholesome and candid for a minute but they made me optimistic that there is hope for us after all. That we can find husbands and fathers who allow us to exist in this world with less harm and hope.
And, on a less wholesome note… never mind. I choose to keep it cute, but you’ll soon know exactly why this feels like a helluva task in just a moment. The other refreshing thing about many of these videos is the ASMR vibes – very cathartic to watch; really brings a sense of peace and calm over you. And, not to gas it, but if watching a man in action in that way via TikTok does that, JUST imagine what having the real thing would be like. My God.
Here are seven Black men on TikTok making everyday living look thirstrappy AF.
Cam
@renaissancecam subsist ⚙️ #vlog #dailyvlog #sundayvlog #peace #adayinthelife #gardening #handyman #rotties #bbq #pitmaster #juicing #health #healthy #fruit #fyp #explore #foryou #viral #menshealth #farming #country #outdoors #dogs #landscaping #food #vibes
Not only does Cam (28 and single) understand the assignment when it comes to carefully selecting Sunday’s cleaning playlist but he also was handcrafted by God himself, giving us #TradMan in only the best ways possible. Based on my lurking/Inspector Gadget deep dive through his content, he chops wood, gardens, fishes, and cooks–it’s no mistake that his handle is Renaissance Cam. And, ladies, I was able to get a few other little details about him because we all know curiosity kills the cat. No need to stay curious when we can just know. Yes, he’s single. He’s a Leo. And his ideal first date is a picnic at his favorite sunset island near one of the spots where he likes to fish.
Derwynn
@lifeofdwho Look how dirty my washing machine was 🤢🤮 . . #sundayreset #sundayroutine #cleaninghacks #cleaningmotivation #homefragrance #fyp #explorepage
Next up is Derwynn, who is more of a modern man. His content centers on his Sunday resets which entail deep cleaning his home–and, if you know, you know–Black household law is that this type of cleaning must occur on Sundays. And, man, ol’ man, does he make cleaning look good. It’s no wonder more men don’t do this willingly. Most have speculated that he’s a Virgo, but he’s actually a Cancer (but maybe he has other Virgo placements throughout?)
Deon
@chakmahtheking Brcome someone you woukd be proud of‼️ Don’t settle, you’re a KING! Follw me on IG @chakmahtheking #fyp #diy #motivation #jackofalltrades #king
Mister DIY himself, in living color! Admittedly, I did have to mute that Rocky music, but all the fix-it action 100 percent makes up for that. I don’t know him, but it’s giving “my man, my man, my man” type of delusion the minute I saw him handle that power tool (like my little pun). Unlike the first two, Deon isn’t quite as subtle in his understanding that he is indeed a prize (not to be confused with thee prize, y’all). But, he is, in fact, a man that adds value in many ways. And, this is what we mean when we say bring back these men – the good with their hands, easy on the eyes type men – and we’ll bust out the apron and the table settings.
Oklahoma Cowboys
@oklahomacowboys0 🤠 #oklahomacowboys #rodeo #blackcowboys #fyp #explorepage #cowboy #blacktiktok #fypシ #losangeles #countryboy #billpickettrodeo #race
When Destiny’s Child said, “they always be talkin’ that country slang,” I imagine these are the type of men they had in mind. Cause the video alone gone bring out my Southern ancestors in my spirit, and I was born and raised in Michigan. Babbbby, this is a retro type of man, and I’m here for it. It’s also a personal belief of mine that it speaks volumes about a man’s ability to nurture in the way that they care for animals and, in turn, the way animals respond to them. What’s that they say about animals and children being the best judges of character? Unfortunately, we don’t have a name for this cowboy, but fortunately, this page is action-packed with other cowboys.
John Doe
@atvmvp #honda #hondaaccord #carsoftiktok #cars #bodywork #painting #spraypaint #restoration #accidentrepair #southcarolina #blackmen #cartok #cartiktok #7thgenaccord #blackentrepreneur #blackdudes #budgetfriendly #voiceover #countryboy
While it’s always safest to have a bald-headed daddy to handle all your car issues, it definitely doesn’t hurt to have a car-fixing zaddy on call, too. Well, here you go! Out in the garage, in the hoop shorts and the slides – now him coming inside smelling like outside, car parts, and fading cologne. We also stan a frugal, problem-solving king! Peep how he purchased a used car and a five-dollar can of spray paint and got to work. The definition of getting it out the mud, if you ask me.
Stephen
@styleunrivaled #fyp #trending #viral #atx #car #ignitioncoil
Impressive, I must say. This gentleman, Stephen, walks us through replacing his ignition coils, but he also makes himself useful in other ways. That’s word to his other TikTok, where he offers the young fellas who want to argue about why women aren’t submissive instead of giving them something worth submitting to advice.
Lee
@leeshomeimprovement Deck for the chicken coop #fyp #foryou #dmv #blacktiktok #watchthis #explore #HousestoHomes #HomeImprovement #BuildingstoCompanies #blackmenbuilds #building #constructing #StayFocused #menwithdreads #follow #share #baltimore #HGTV
While this video doesn’t quite show Lee’s face, it does show his craftsmanship. I mean, it looks secure enough–I don’t know too much about building decks, but I do know this looks about right.. As for the rest, I scoped out the facecard on his other videos, and he is worthy of this list.
These men were difficult to come by, and I’m not sure if it has to do with the ratio of podcast mics to rakes/power drills/etc. Or because they’re simply not documenting themselves. But you should know that we’re looking for some more of these men folk to lust after while they check off the one honey-do list item within their reach through the internet … the one with my Rosé. Send more over! Tag them. I might even start a Make Men Great Again campaign on behalf of these brothas.
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Feature image by @renaissancecam/ Instagram, @steviie_j/ Instagram, @derwynnwho/ Instagram