OK, so when I sat down to write this, there were two songs that immediately came to mind — "Wanna Make Love to You All Night Long" by Lillo Thomas and "One Minute Man" by Missy Elliot (feat. Ludacris). If you're familiar with either one (preferably both), I'm sure you can get, from the title alone, why my memory was triggered by them. Because you know what? Due to my own sexual experience, the clients I work with, the random conversations that I've had and all of the reading and research that I do on the topic of sex, if there's one conclusion that I've confidently come to, it's that women don't a man who can physically have sex all night long nor do we want someone who lasts for only a couple of minutes. The ideal sex partner lands somewhere in between — and actually a lot closer to the "minute man" side than many would care to admit.
And just how much closer are we talking about? From a study that I read, you just might be surprised. Let's unpack this just a little bit further, shall we?
What’s Up with This “All Night Long” Ish?
Anyone who is a true R&B fan knows that there are literally countless songs that talk about having sex/making love all night long. Yet unless you've actually been with a partner who's attempted to make this happen, you'll never get how much something can sound great in theory and yet be annoying AF in real-time. While it might be TMI if any of you read my article "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners", you already know that I kinda get down that way, so it's whatever. That said, one of those 14 is who introduced me to the revelation that some people really can go on forever…and ever…AND EVER. He wasn't small in size (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go"), he was freaky as all get out and pretty aggressive too. While when we first started having sex, it was like a true adventure, after a few months, it was more vaginally irritating and a bit like Chinese water torture, the sex version, if I'm to be completely honest. I think it was because he was so focused on going on forever that it stopped being all that pleasurable.
Hmph. Come to find out, ole' boy had a low-key cocaine habit that I didn't know about which connected the dots for all of those things. Oh, but he wasn't the only one who was like this. Another ex of mine would pull out and wait, go back in and rinse and repeat. After about an hour, I was ready to bring things to some sort of conclusion while he was acting like he had something to prove — in his mind, the longer things took, the more memorable, in the best way possible, he would be.
Yeah, you've gotta watch those guys who may not bring drug (or heavy alcohol) influence into the bedroom but instead, they go with their ego — oftentimes, they aren't having sex with you at all; they are having sex at you so that they can tell themselves how good they were…regardless of what your opinion may be.
Does that mean that I am totally against all-night-long sex? Eh. I'm not much of a fan of the literal notion of that. Meaning, I don't think I would ever want to have sex, without stopping, for more than 60 minutes or so. Now, having sex, spooning for a catnap, going at it again, spooning for a few more hours, and going at it again — oh, I think there should be a holiday for that. But thinking that a man being able to go for a billion minutes plus tax is the sign of a good lover really needs to be left in the movies — and even those are only a couple of hours long. The bottom line here — it's not only unrealistic to want a man to go all night but, if we're really honest with ourselves, a lot of us don't like it when it comes even close to happening anyway. So, what exactly is the timeframe that brings us pleasure and joy? Good question.
How Long Do Most of Us Actually Want Sex to Be?
I write about sex quite a bit on here, so while I can't recall exactly which articles, I know I've shared, on more than a few occasions, that when it comes to how long it takes a man to climax, he can do it in five minutes while it generally takes us around 20 minutes (including foreplay). Well, according to a study that was conducted last year, the time that we need has gotten down to something very specific. Apparently, what we need in order to reach a full-on orgasm are 13.41 minutes.
OK, but that's how long it takes to "see the mountain." Based on what a different study revealed, how long do most of us actually want sex to last? 25.51 minutes (do you agree?). Here is what's interesting about that, though. Another study that was published byThe Journal of Sexual Medicinestated that there is actually an ideal time for vaginal intercourse to transpire and it's shorter than both of the times that I just stated — between 7-13 minutes. Yep, according to the journal, we all should be able to get the job done (and feel all the better for it), in less time than it takes to watch half of an Insecure episode.
Is there anything that alters this conclusion? Sure. Things like the state of two people's health, what their personal preferences are and even the current state of their connection with one another could result in sex being much shorter or longer than — rounding off here — 10 minutes long. However, the bigger point (at least to me) is this kind of data is important because the belief that good sex — or a good sex partner — is someone who has to be the Energizer Bunny — you know, going on…and on…and on — is wrapped up in fallacy. Sex doesn't have to be long in order to be good. Not by a long shot.
Remember That It Should Always Be About Quality over Quantity
And this is why I think quickies should get more respect than they oftentimes do. If sex, for us, is typically preferred when it's between 7-13 minutes long, that means that morning sex, shower sex, and pulling stuff up and down when you've got a few minutes to spare in the kitchen or car— these things shouldn't be seen as sexual consolation prizes. In fact, after reading all of what I just said, there should be more reasons to treat them as top-tier activities because what all of this intel revealed, more than anything else, it's that more women are into quality sex than how much time someone takes in the bedroom (quantity).
In fact, dare I say, that the reason why those of us who want more time push for it, it's so that "he" will get more minutes (or hours…geez) to figure out what we need to get where we want things to go (if you catch my drift). Meaning, if he hits it right, we don't need an hour; we're actually extending an hour so that he can — and will.
Again, just so we're clear, I'm all about having more than one round in a night. All of these studies and what I've shared aren't talking about that. But that on…and on…AND ON one round of sex stuff? If a man says he's doing it for us, share with him this article because, according to the sourced data, something in that buttermilk ain't clean. We'd rather have 10 minutes of really good intercourse than an hour of subpar pounding. Words to live by. Lie down on too. #wink
For more love and relationships, sex, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
Featured image by Giphy
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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There's something about snuggling up in your favorite blanket and watching a comfort show or movie on Netflix, and what better time to do just that than in December? As the weather outside gets cooler, staying in becomes more of the norm. Thus, Netflix and Chill is a go-to. Luckily, Netflix has released new Black films and series on their popular streaming platform.
From Tyler Perry's historical drama The Six Triple Eight, starring Kerry Washington, to the Will Packer-produced comedy starring Marsai Martin, Regina Hall, and Issa Rae, Little, this season is looking up.
See the full list below.
Little (12/1)
Regina Hall's character is a bossy tech mogul who has everyone scared of her, including her assistant, played by Issa Rae. However, when she transforms into her younger self (Marsai Martin), she learns how to be more kind to others.
Daddy Day Care (12/1)
Eddie Murphy stars in this film as a father who decides to open a daycare after losing his job.
30 For 30 Collection (12/2)
30 For 30 is an ESPN docu-series highlighting some of sports' legendary figures and moments. Some of the episodes include Winning Time: Reggie Miller Vs. The New York Knicks and Celtics/ Lakers: The Best of Enemies.
Jamie Foxx: What Had Happened Was (12/10)
In this special, the multi-talented Jamie Foxx returns to stand-up to give an unforgettable performance.
Blood, Sweat & Heels S2 (12/13)
The short-lived Bravo reality TV series documented the lives of a group of girlfriends making it in NYC. The show starred model-turned-podcaster Melyssa Ford, author Demetria Lucas, and the late TV host Daisy Lewellyn.
The Equalizer S1-3 (12/16)
The hit CBS show starring Queen Latifah is now available on Netflix. Watch the beloved actress kick ass and take names in this popular drama.
The Six Triple Eight (12/20)
The new Tyler Perry film starring Kerry Washington is a true story about the first and only Women’s Army Corps unit of color during World War II.
Christmas Game Day Ravens Vs. Texans (12/25)
While many will tune in to watch the Baltimore Ravens vs. Houston Texans game, others will tune in to watch Beyoncé perform during halftime.
Michelle Buteau: A Buteau-ful Mind At Radio City Music Hall (12/31)
Comedian Michelle Buteau's comedy special will focus on her life with twins, going viral, and much more.
Evil S3 (12/31)
While Evil was unfortunately canceled by CBS, viewers can rewatch the series on Netflix, with season three premiering December 31st.
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