BDE: Please Let The "It Needs To Be Huge" Myth Go
There are a lot of things that I enjoy about being a marriage life coach. One of them is, you get to hear some of the "back in the kitchen" truths about husbands and wives. Stuff that, outside of a counseling session, you might not discover (outside of being married) any other way; especially when it comes to sex-related issues. Take penises, for example. I can't tell you how many times a couple, one who is on the verge of being sexless, has included a wife who has looked me dead in my eyes and said, "Girl, a big d—k ain't all it's cracked up to be. Believe that."
And you know what? She's right. As someone who, back in my sexually active days, used to make it my mission to make sure that a man was long and strong (with a side of girth, similar to the girls featured in this skit right here), I've got to say (and believe I've shared before) that the one who ended up giving me the most vaginal orgasms was someone who was, for the most part, smaller than all of the rest. We were tight (at the time). He was sexually curious, adventurous and giving. And yes, I'm sure that all played a part in my pleasure too. But I'll be honest with you—if I only factored in his member alone, I'd still say that he played a real role in dispelling the ridiculous myth that if a man ain't huge, he need not apply.
If you read what I just said and you're saying to yourself, "Girrrl, please", this article was written with you in mind. Matter of fact, I got a couple of women in my life to share that while it might be popular to say that a man needs a large penis in order to truly (sexually) satisfy a woman, at the end of the day, he actually…doesn't.
Who First Told You That You “Needed” A Large Penis?
I don't think we realize, just how much outside voices influence—and sometimes even infect—us. I mean, it's not like we all came out of the womb with a natural longing for a man with a big penis; it's not like it's a natural part of our DNA. But media, porn and conversations either we've had or eavesdropped on that brought up the subject (oh, and don't even get me started on how much Black people has been sexualized and fetishized in America) have all played a clear role in making us think that if a man isn't at least 8-9 inches, he's not worthy of getting any action.
Don't believe me? Somehow think that you came to that conclusion all by yourself? If so, take out your journal and think back to the first time you thought about male genitalia in a sexual way. When size and/or sexual pleasure came into the picture, if you thought that your partner(s) needed to be huge in order to please you, where did you get that idea from? I'd be shocked if it was internal. I'd also be surprised if you even pondered if that conclusion was even true—or not. Let's keep going.
Penises, on Average, Are Much Smaller Than You Think
So, before sharing with you some of the thoughts that a wife, who has a husband with a huge penis, has to say on the topic, let's discuss reality for a moment, shall we? First, I'm thinking that it's pretty common knowledge at this point that roughly 75 percent of women struggle with experiencing a vaginal orgasm (which is an orgasm that comes strictly from vaginal penetration). So already, if penetration doesn't automatically "do it for ya", what do you need a big member for? OK, but let's keep going.
Also, did you know that our most intense vaginal nerve endings are within the first two inches of our vagina? Technically, this means that if a guy is three inches or more when he's erect, he can still get the job done. Good thing too because (brace yourselves) reportedly less than 20 percent of men have a penis that is larger than six inches (erect). As far as someone who is seven inches or more? Penises only fall into that "very large" category with only three percent of guys (you can read more about this here and here).
I've been knowing all of this for quite some time. That's why, whenever I hear a man brag about how much he's "packin'", the first thing that comes to my mind is, "Somehow, I doubt it", followed by, "Have you ever actually measured it, sir?". The reason why I say this is because, if a man is simply going on assumption (or hyping himself up), how does he actually know if he's small (under five inches), average (between 5-6") or large (7" or up). This brings me to my next point.
Because You Don’t Need a Big D*ck. You Really Don’t.
Just like a lot of guys believe that they are "huge" without really knowing for sure if that is the case at all, tons of women automatically assume that their partner is large-and-in-charge too. For those ladies, the same points apply—how do you know how big your partner really is, if you haven't measured his penis before? Because now that actual inches have been shared, have you considered that maybe you've been with a lot of "5s" (or girthy instead of long penises) and so, in walks a "barely 7" and your mind is blown, when really…it's still just a 7? Either way, now that you know that over three inches can actually stimulate the part of your va-jay-jay that needs to get off, what is the big freakin' deal about a big d—k anyway? Especially if you're not someone who has vaginal orgasms from them to begin with.
This brings me to the wife that I was telling you about a little while ago. Let's call her Angela. Angela has been with her man for over 25 years and married to him for almost 20. I actually call her "the penis whisperer" because she has the uncanny ability of being able to guess a man's size (more from the angle of being small, medium or large than the actual inches) without ever seeing his penis (she's been spot-on with some of my exes). Anyway, according to her (and her man when he's being obnoxious), her hubby is really large—shoot, even larger than that. At the same time, she makes it very clear that having a man with a big d—ck is certainly not all that it's cracked up to be.
"I've been with small and large penises. One guy, his was abnormally small due to an injury. My husband, he is one of the largest I've had. The smaller guy was much more satisfying than all of the big men I've been with. One reason is because guys with big d—ks typically have a lot of ego, even in bed. They think that they can just 'bang you out' and you'll automatically be satisfied, while the smaller guy, the sex was far more sensual. His penis wasn't all that he brought to the experience and so he focused on more than believing his d—ck was enough. Plus, if you're someone who has truly had a big penis before, you know that it can take a while to get fully adjusted to it. With the smaller guy, I could totally relax and 'take him in' without any awkwardness or pain. Our bodies are made to adjust to any size, but personally, I think a lot of us have been conditioned to think that a big d—ck is a big deal when, at the end of the day, all you really end up with is a sore p—sy and a hurt back."
Hey, she's not alone in this conclusion. I read an article on Medical News Today's site that not only said that men are far more concerned with penis size than women are, but the majority of women don't need a big d—ck in order to be sexually satisfied either. Surprise, surprise.
Care More About What a Man Can Do Than What He’s “Got”
This brings me to another woman who I interviewed for this particular piece. Let's call her Monica. She too is married, only her husband is smaller than most of her past sexual partners; considerably so.
"I remember when I saw my husband's penis for the first time. In my mind, I was like, 'Dude. Where's the rest of it?' But 10 years in, I can tell you, while some of my 'big d—k guys' were OK in bed, more than anything, I ended up with bladder infections and UTIs than orgasms. Meanwhile, my husband is awesome because he is so giving, his stamina is amazing and he cares more about pleasing me than impressing me with his member, you know?
"It takes maturity to realize that hypersexualizing Black men is something else that white culture has done. The Mandingo complex is played out. If a man is making love to you, truly making love to you, trust me—you will prefer that over some large penis any day."
Amen. I totally agree. While a big d—k isn't a "bad" thing, when it comes to deciphering the criteria that you need in order to be sexually fulfilled, it is so important to have higher expectations than that alone. What else do you need—shoot, more than need; require—in order to thoroughly enjoy your sexual experiences. What kind of foreplay do you like? What kind of afterplay experiences do you desire? How does your partner need to embrace your erogenous zones? What's your oral sex preferences? What makes you feel the most sexy? If you really stop and take these types of questions in, do you really need a HUGE MAN in order to fulfill you? If you're really honest with yourself, somehow, I seriously doubt it.
Embrace That “Average” Can Still Be Really (REALLY) Good
While this is the kind of topic that I really could go on and on about, my bottom line is actually quite simple—if penis size truly matters to you, I get that. Just try and not make it matter so much that you program yourself into thinking that unless a man is gigantic, you won't be pleased. Because, for all of the reasons that I just shared with you (and so many more), that's just not true. Just like a woman doesn't need huge tits or a big clitoris in order to sexually satisfy a man, the same apples on the flip gender side. Believing otherwise isn't based on facts; it really is just a myth.
So, if you've got a man who is 5-6" down below and somehow, in the back of your mind, you find that to be some sort of sexual concession prize, please don't. So long as those first two inches inside of your vagina are thoroughly getting tended to, your partner gets off on pleasing you and you both accept each other fully, you can have some really great sex. Hmph. Better than a lot of women who've got a big ole' d—ck in their bed. And that's real talk right there, sis.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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