10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem

"Sexual self-esteem affects every sexual choice you make..."—Gila Shapiro


Although self-esteem is the kind of topic that you've probably read quite a bit about over the years, be honest—when's the last time you checked out an article that was totally devoted to developing your sexual self-esteem? I was inspired to do this because, one day, while a client was sharing with me a series of poor sexual encounters she experienced, I asked her if she felt that she loved herself. She didn't even pause before she responded with an emphatic, "Yes! I love myself a lot." I paused before saying, "How can that be when you chose such unhealthy partners?" She was dead silent for about a minute.

I know a lot of us don't want to face the reality that who we chose to date, have sex with and/or love says a lot about how we feel about ourselves and what we think we deserve, but ignoring the facts doesn't make them any less relevant or true. I can speak from very up close and personal experience that the more you strengthen, not just your overall self-esteem but your confidence as it directly relates to you and your sexuality, the more you'll make wiser decisions and, the better your sexual experiences will actually become. Are you ready to learn some specific ways to take your sexual self-esteem to a higher level? I've got 10 for ya.

10 Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Confidence

1. Look At Yourself Naked. Every Day.


I don't care what kind of impression the media tries to give you, as a marriage life coach, I can personally vouch for the fact that we as women tend to be way more critical of our bodies than men are; especially the men who are in committed relationships with us. Shoot, most of them are so excited, just to have the privilege and pleasure of being able to "partake" that they are not nearly as nit-picky about breast and booty size, "rolls" or stretch marks.

So, where do we get all of our judgment from? First of all, I don't know if anyone is more self-critical, by nature, than the female species. Then, if you add to that, comparing ourselves to other women, looking at social media pics that have filters on them and, forgetting the fact that a lot of celebrities have a cosmetic surgeon on speed dial—the fantasy of "perfection" can keep us from celebrating the reality of how we were designed, by our Creator, to be.

That's why I say the first thing that all women should do is make a point and purpose to look at themselves naked every day. I don't mean that fast glance you take when you're getting out of the shower. I mean, intentionally staring at yourself, in a full-length mirror, while verbally declaring how beautiful and fabulous you are. Take it up a notch by shouting out all of the things that make you distinctively you. If you're not used to doing this, it might feel weird or silly at first, but I promise you—the more you get used to affirming your body, the more confident you'll become and, the more comfortable you'll be whether you're having sex in the dark or—as a lot of men prefer it—in the light.

2. Conduct a Vaginal Self-Exam

I must admit that, it kind of floors me, just how many women have no idea what their vagina looks like. I mean, if you do any kind of DIY pubic hair maintenance, doesn't that automatically require that you get an up-close-and-very-personal view? Either way, for the sake of being proactive about your genital health and well-being, and so you can get more accustomed to your "lady parts", it's also a good idea to conduct a vaginal self-exam, at least once a month. On the health tip, it can get you used to what your vulva and vagina look like so that you can stay on top of any potential abnormalities. Sexually, well, if you are familiar with all that goes on down there, it can make it that much easier to give your partner a guided tour ("Why You Should Give Yourself A 'Vaginal Self-Exam'"). Feel me?

3. Take More Baths


Over in xoNecole world, we like taking baths so much that we've got articles like "Did You Know There's A Right & A Wrong Way To Take A Bath?", "5 Detox Baths For Ultimate Relaxation & Tranquility" and "Make 'National Bathtub Party Day' Your Favorite Day Of The Year" posted up on our site. We publish these types of pieces because baths are dope on so many different levels. They help to calm and relax us. They can boost our immunity while improving our heart health. They are even able to balance our hormones while moisturizing our skin. As far as our sexual self-esteem is concerned, soaking in a tub that contains essential oils and rose petals in it as we listen to some soft music and sip on a glass of red wine—does anything feel more feminine than that?

I recently watched some members of the All Def Digital team talk about all of the reasons why they would prefer to shower over taking a bath (you can listen to it here; it starts at the 49:46 mark). Personally, whenever people talk about floating in their own dirt, I always wonder, "Unless you've been sweating out in the sun all day or working out, how dirty are you?" But anyway, whether you hop right into the tub or you take a shower and then a bath, do your body and your sexual self-image a favor and treat yourself to a tub soak, at least once a week. There is something that is inexplicably sexy about doing it. There really is.

4. Sex Journal (More Often)

A part of the purpose of journaling, in general, is to recall certain memories and to gain some clarity about what you remember. This is why I'm such a fan of sexual journaling. Whether you're trying to figure out why you choose the partners that you do, how to come up with some sexual deal-breakers (which everyone should have, by the way), how to break some unhealthy patterns, or even what you like and dislike about foreplay, sex and afterplay, setting aside 30-45 minutes, once a week, to do nothing but sex journal can be another way to elevate your sexual self-esteem. Because when you see things clearly, you move…differently. (You can check out "The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)" for more of a breakdown on all of this.)

5. “Dress Up” Underneath


Lord. Before even getting into buying yourself some nice underwear, you might want to read "When Should You Replace Underwear, Make-Up, Bedding, Washcloths & Towels?", just to make sure you ain't been slippin' when it comes to getting some new stuff. One thing I am grateful that my mother ingrained in me is the importance of "dressing up" underneath. What I mean by that is, she was always saying, "A woman's underwear needs to be just as beautiful as the rest of her clothes, even if no one sees it but her." I've been abstinent for many years now, but I still make sure that my undergarment game is on point. And you know what? Doing so does have a way of making me feel pretty sexy. It also gives me the feeling that I've got a seductive secret going on, even if I'm rocking nothing more than a T-shirt and some jeans. (In fact, that's often when I'm wearing the sexiest kind of bra and panties!)

6. Recall Your Best Sexual Memories. “Burn” the Others.

Unfortunately, it's a proven fact that our minds automatically lean towards negativity. That's why, it doesn't surprise me in the least that, whenever I listen to people talk about their sexual past, oftentimes it's the not-so-good stuff that they typically focus on. While, on one hand, it can be helpful to think back to what you did (or who you picked) that you would and wouldn't do (or pick) again, if you only dwell on the "bad", not only could it cause you to overlook the good but it could taint or even jade your overall sexual perspective.

Keeping this in mind, that's why I think it's a good idea to take out a couple hours to actually recall your best sexual memories and jot them down. Reflect on what made them good, how those moments made you feel and why they rank so high to you. Next, ponder the compliments that you've been given, not just when it comes to your performance, but your overall appeal too. Recalling all of the good stuff has a way of making the not-that-great pale in comparison while it helps you to keep your memories in balance. Oh, and as far as the negative stuff, try to not give all of that a lot of energy. Whenever I'm ready to let something go, sometimes what I'll do is to write down what it is and why it's time to release it on a piece of paper; then I burn it. While that doesn't make the recollections go away forever, it is an exercise that lets me feel like I've gotten some of my power back. And that is a confidence booster, on a whole 'nother level, chile.

7. Share Your Sexual Needs with Your Partner (Beforehand)


There are a lot of ways to settle in a relationship; let me share one that isn't discussed nearly as much as it should be—the women who go into sex being more concerned about whether they will please their partner than if their partner will be capable of pleasing them in return. And because this is the mindset that they are in, when they happen to be displeased—or, at the very least, not impressed—and then suppress or internalize their emotions (and desires), it can cause them to wonder if their own sexual needs and wants even matter. And that? That can put a real toll on one's sexual self-esteem.

That's why I'm such a huge advocate of couples sharing what their sexual expectations are before engaging in sex together for the first time. Hey, great sex is simply another form of good communication. How fair is it to expect someone to "get you there" if you're not even open to discussing what that requires beforehand? Sexually confident women already know that this is essential. Therefore, they do it without an apology or hesitation.

8. Cultivate Sexual Rituals

Some people are freaked out by the word "ritual", but they shouldn't be. If you go to church every weekend, that's a ritual. In context, a ritual is about a procedure that a religion practices or it's about creating your own type of ceremony. So, when I speak of creating sexual rituals, I simply mean doing things that help you to center in on your sexuality and its power. It could be engaging in some erotic self-focus. It could be meditating alone before participating in sex. It could be intentionally creating the right ambiance and mood for coitus to transpire. It could be adorning yourself with oils that will relax you and lingerie that will make you feel alluring and exquisite. It could be turning on some sexy music and sitting in silence as the grooves take you in. Whatever it is, just make sure it's something that makes you feel sexy, tranquil and wonderful. Pick a practice that reminds you of just how special and provocative you are. Because the more you believe it, the harder it will be to let anyone make you think otherwise.

9. Keep a Realistic Perspective


If you're relying on movies, television, R&B songs (c'mon, who really has non-stop sex all night long?) or even your friends' sexual escapades to serve as a forecast for what your sex life will or even should be like and, at the same time, you're not super confident when it comes to sex and your sexuality, that makes total sense. After all, you are living in a fantasy world, a fairy tale, and both of those things are anything but realistic. I'm not saying that sex can't be good, totally amazin' even, but there are tons of people out here who are disillusioned and bitter about all things sex-related, simply because they didn't approach it from a mature and reasonable perspective.

The real is that sometimes sex is awkward. The real is sometimes people have "off nights". The real is that it might take a while for you and your partner to truly get in sync. The real is some of your past partners may be better than your current in certain areas and aspects. The real is that you are human, your partner is as well, and so coitus isn't always gonna be perfect all of the time. But you know what? If you're with a mentally healthy and emotionally sound person, "performance" isn't gonna be nearly as important as connection. And knowing that you are sharing your being with someone who wants to be with you, for you, is one of the best ways to boost your sexual morale.

10. Never Fake It

One of the reasons why I wrote the article, "Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP" is because, while I get why a lot of people do fake it, I don't really think that it's a wise or beneficial thing to do. The definitions of the word "fake" are enough to illustrate my point:

Fake: prepare or make (something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent); to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive

How can you have a high sense of sexual self-worth if you're out here deceiving your partner into thinking the sex is all good, just so they will find you (more) attractive, interesting and/or valuable? Uh-uh, sis. You and your body are way too precious for some foolishness like that.

Love yourself, your body and your time enough to commit to not faking sexual satisfaction. Be confident enough to express when you are pleased and when you are not (do it gently and kindly but do it). The right partner will want you to be pleased, so they will respect you for speaking up. And when you are encouraged to be as open and honest as possible, that is a sexual self-esteem booster like no other!

Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:

These 10 Hacks Will Help You Love Your Body More

What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be

What Loving Yourself Actually Looks Like

What Your Vagina Wishes You Would Do More Often

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.


We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
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