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A Fling In Mexico With A Man 12 Years Older Helped Boost My Self-Confidence

Sex

Have you ever been on the verge of pouring your feelings out to a sexual partner because of how good he and his dick were making you feel?

By "good", I don't just mean him dicking you down so well that he makes your legs shake, your toes curl and your vagina pulse. I also mean him making you feel so feminine and comfortable in your skin that you can't remain spiritually unaffected by such an encounter. Well, I have.

It happened during my post-Spring Break vacation in Playa del Carmen, Mexico, with a man I met in Coco Bongo, a famous night club. Let's call him Jermaine.

Normally, my rule is to avoid one-night stands and any other kind of dick appointments. Not that I've made some type of celibacy commitment or anything, but my sexual appetite is so strong that I'm afraid casual sex would easily make it on the list of my unhealthy addictions. And considering that, before that night, I used to take a lot of pride in my low body count, I didn't really mind being on a no-sex diet. Moreover, a part of me always liked to think that sex is only worth it if it involves two people who are in love with each other... Anyway.

Just like any other diet that I've been on, it wasn't easy and required me to remain focused on and committed to my goal at all times. Thankfully, it doesn't always have to be that hard, considering that being on a diet also means that you're allowed to have a good cheat meal from time to time. And back in Mexico, I was craving one.

I hadn't had a cheat meal in 753 days.

Needless to say, I could unfortunately relate to any of those hilarious #dayswithoutsex memes. To be fair, it's my insecurities that allowed me to last for so long. My insecurities – these negative beliefs that I used to have about myself after a severe weight gain. These negative beliefs that led me on a hateful, unstoppable self-body shaming journey that's done nothing but damage my self-esteem.

These love handles? Hate. Those back rolls? Hate. Those flabby arms? Hate. This fat belly making my breasts look even smaller? Hate, hate, hate.

The 45 pounds that I gained two years ago transformed my body so much that it had me dreading the day I wouldn't be able to resist my thirst for sex. I'd pictured this scene in my head so often... Me letting a man touch and see the parts of me that I hate the most, only for him to end up hating them just as much. It turned into one of my fears.

Oh, I wish someone had told me sooner that it could also go the other way around... That I could also let a man touch and see the parts of me that I hate the most for him to teach me how to love them more. That man was Jermaine. Jermaine taught me.

When Jermaine and I met, I knew that if I was to bring things further, it wouldn't be for us to just play cards. He confirmed my thoughts when he licked his way up from my collarbone to my ear and whispered, "I've been on you all night. You're so sexy."

His words of affirmation immediately caused a waterfall between my legs. I must admit, it made me feel a little more confident, but I still believed that it was going to be all fun and games until he'd want to take off my shirt. Which is why, despite how I deeply wanted to have sex with him, I still made the decision to leave it at that for the night and promised I'd call him the next morning like he asked me to. I went to bed smiling like an idiot, eager to wake up a few hours later to see whether or not Jermaine and I would meet again.

His resort's beach was within a walking distance from mine, so we agreed to meet each other halfway. Although I was thrilled to see him, it didn't take a minute before I started feeling nervous. The night before, Jermaine and I met in a dark room and alcohol was involved; I wasn't sure he'd still be attracted to me in the daylight and the tropical weather only made things worse. Clearly, it was way too hot and humid to wear any kind of clothes or makeup. What Jermaine was about to get was the rawest version of me. But our short little beach date went better than I thought it would: no awkward greetings, the conversation flowed naturally and there was a lot of laughter.

Honestly, I didn't even think of the way I looked once. I was being myself and it felt good. I guess that's what happens when you date someone 12 years older than you; you don't really have time for that insecure ish.

As it was already late in the afternoon when we met, we headed back to my resort straight away. By the time we arrived, most vacationers had left to start getting ready for dinner. Soon, it was just Jermaine and I, and what was left unfinished in the club continued unabated on the beach. I sat on him as he was laying on a sunbed and pressed my forehead on his. His arms were wrapped around my waist and mine around his neck. As our tongues were swirling around each other's, his hands moved down to my butt cheeks. He squeezed them and pulled me closer. He slightly took off my bikini top and started licking my breasts. I gasped. Hurting him was my way to show him how thirsty I was, so I bit him hard in the neck. I couldn't contain myself anymore and risking being seen by anyone made everything even more exciting.

Eventually, my hands ended up in his shorts, which forced us to get a room. Everything about him and his attitude made my entire being feel beautiful and respected. He was calm, peaceful and wasn't trying to rush into it. He kept talking to me as he took off my shorts and bikini top, making eye contact. Every part of my body that he touched, he nicely complimented, starting from my lips to, well... my private parts.

When he penetrated me, it was as if he had entered a sacred temple. A sacred temple that he somehow helped me rediscover with every one of his kisses and caresses.

That night, Jermaine taught me that people don't view you the way you view yourself. The truth is, people can even be more comfortable with your body than you are. And for the first time in years, I felt enough. I felt wanted. I felt desired. The sex was amazing and overwhelming. Along with every stroke came waves of emotions. The kind of emotions that you feel when your soul heals: elevation, lightness and passion. Perhaps, it's the fact that I knew that there was going to be no tomorrow, perhaps it's the fact that he gave my body the appreciation it's been seeking, but what I'm sure of is that I didn't fear him seeing my body anymore. The more pleasure he was giving me, the more pleasure I wanted to give him. And I wanted him to be able to witness that. I wanted him to see how wonderful he was making me feel. I turned the lights on.

Alexa, play "Rocket" by Beyoncé.

Sometimes, dick with no complications is what you need.

If this piece isn't about reconsidering wrong beliefs and limiting thoughts, then I don't know what it is. Remember when I told you that my low body count mattered and that sex is only worth it if it involves two people in love with each other? I didn't know what I was talking about. The only reason I wanted to keep a low body count was because I didn't want my (nowhere-to-be-seen) future husband to marry someone perceived as "promiscuous". Announcement: men that are husband material don't care. Ask them.

Bigger announcement: our value as women don't decrease based on the number of sex partners we've had.

It's our right to explore our female sexuality, gain the experience we're looking for and take pleasure in doing so. I'm no scientist, nor a psychologist, but I know for a fact that allowing outside determinants to prevent you from living and enjoying your sexuality on your own terms will cause you a lot of frustrations. As for the part of me that liked to think that sex is only worth it if it involves two people in love... that drives from me being a spiritual person. Making sure that my soul is abundantly nurtured on all the things it needs is essential to me, and I know that it's real love that it craves, not sex.

However, I'd been missing the fact that taking care of my soul includes taking care of its house. And while my sole purpose was to relieve my sexual appetite that night, I discovered that sleeping with a stranger exceeded by far all the ways I could've learned how to properly worship my body. Jermaine and I were definitely not in love. But was it worth it? Heck yes.

Would I do it again? Absolutely.

xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.

Featured image by Savannah Taider/Instagram

ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

Featured image by Shutterstock

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