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The Problem With The Body Count Question & Why It's Nobody's Business

I don't have time for it.

Her Voice

As a chronic serial dater, I have always loathed those typical "getting to know you questions".

You know, the:

"What do you like?"

"What are you looking for?"

"What do you do for fun?"

"What do you do for work?"

Etc. Etc. Etc.

But the one I hated the most was:

"What's your body count?"

tiffany pollard drinking GIF Giphy

Yes, like some of you out there, I've had many a guy ask me that damn dumb-ass question. Some were even so bold as to question me about it as early as the first or second date. And not that I was trying to hide anything from anyone, but I'm sorry, the number of people who I have slept with was none of theirs or anyone else's business. And to be quite honest, no matter the response, it would never be right.

If the number was too low, it was interpreted as me being inexperienced. If it was too high, I was considered a freak, loose, or a hoe.

I can recall dating one guy who often liked to question me about my sexual history. He wanted to know everything from if I had been with women, if I was down for a threesome, and of course, how many men I had been with prior to him. And whenever I asked why, he would always say that he "just wanted to know".

Lies.

yeah right girl please GIF by buzzfeedladylike Giphy

I then followed up by asking how many partners were too many, to which he replied that anything over 25 makes you a hoe. Then, he said that although he didn't make the rules, that's just how it is. So I simply told him that while I would not confirm or deny whether my number was over or under 25, I have not, am not, and will never be anybody's hoe.

Nevermind the fact that if a man has a high body count, he is praised. But for us girls, it is deeply frowned upon, and oftentimes leaves us open to criticism, and not just from the men. Unfortunately, women do their fair share of judging and can be some of the biggest critics.

It's a shame how we do our fellow women sometimes, but I digress.

Now, I can understand having an open and honest dialogue regarding the history of your sexual health. You and your partner should be informed of each other's STI/HIV status, if either of you contracted anything in the past, and the date of your most recent check. But as far as the number of partners, that is very personal and should only be shared if and when YOU feel like discussing it. Not because someone "just wants to know".

Because chances are, in my opinion, whoever is asking either:

  1. Has serious insecurities within themselves.
  2. Looking for something to hold over your head.
  3. Wants to use your body count as a way to determine your value, morals, and/or slut-shame you.

All of which no one has time for.

Also, at this stage in the game, with most of us being women of a certain age, I'm pretty sure that we've all lived a little. So any number that we have, regardless of how high or low, is pretty much expected and has nothing to do with who we are deep down on the inside.

Giphy

In short, ladies, please stop letting these guys or anyone else for that matter determine your worth based on your number of sexual partners. And please, feel free to walk away from anyone who dares to question you about it in the first place. Because at the end of the day, however many people you've been with and how often you were with them is a best-kept secret that is to remain between you and your body.

And anyone who has something to say can simply kiss your beautiful ass. Have fun, be safe, and let your freak flag fly!

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Featured image by Shutterstock

You know what? Sometimes, you've got to push a few coins aside and determine in your mind that you're going to invest into your sex life (if you had a sex jar, this would be easier to do, by the way. You can read more about what that is all about here). If you're someone who is totally down to do that, but you don't have a clue where to begin, boy have you come to the right place! Between the joy of being a writer who sometimes gets samples sent to me, the constant research that I do for the couples I work with and having folks shout-out certain items semi-often, I've compiled a list of 12 sex-related items that may seem random AF (a pun is kind of intended there) and, at the same time, can make sex so much better between you and your partner. Where's your pad at? You're definitely gonna wanna take note.

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