Quantcast

A Letter To My Teenage Self During Her Hoe Phase

By the age of eighteen, roughly fifteen boys will have known you.

Her Voice

Dear You:

Dalton.

Khalante.

Khlante's good friend CJ.

Calil.

Denzel.

Some white boy - maybe Tyler?

A more familiar white boy, Andrew.

Two boys in one night.

Two at a business competition, separately.

You will sit, at seventeen, assigning each boy that has been inside you a finger. You soon run out of digits, and return to your left thumb to reassign.

You will know the gynecologist at the free clinic you're going to tomorrow will ask you how many. You have insurance, but you're going there so your parents will not ask you, “How many?"

By the age of eighteen, roughly fifteen boys will have known you.

Known you more than six inches deep.

They will have gathered data from late night rounds of 21 Questions, known bits and pieces of the pidgin English your parents speak, they will have known that either because of their jealousy or your selfishness or some combination of the two, you just couldn't seem to keep a girlfriend.

Three were boyfriends.

One was a best friend.

One was a lover.

The rest, buddies, desires, escapes, f*ck-it-I'm heres or f*ck-it-why-nots.

These boys and their collective knowing will be a secret you keep until your quarter life, because teenage girls are known to be fast, but the way you broke the speed limit was nearly felonious.

And I mean, if your body count is news, your criminality is too.

But like crime, the shaming of adolescent sexuality a construct, one well-intentioned at best and harm-inducing at worst.

You did not f*ck out of a place of deep despair or desperation.

You did not f*ck because your father loved you wrong or not enough or not at all.

None of the normal tropes of teenage angst spread your legs.

You f*cked because you could.

You f*cked because you liked it.

You f*cked because it was the one thing you should not have as you filled your life with shoulds.

You climbed out windows and off decks, into Ford Explorers and into unmade beds to make a life outside your accomplishments.

As you racked up A's and awards, theatre roles and presidencies, you just wanted the freedom to be as average as everyone else was allowed to be.

You will hear people talk about their hoe phases as sin and scandal and it will make you cringe.

Your hoe phase was an enlightenment.

You learned who you let in you could hurt those on the outside.

You learned that sex could leave you feeling like a goddess or like nothing at all.

You learned to be vocal and unabashed and relentless in your pursuit of satisfaction.

But perhaps it was a miracle that you walked away from fifteen boys physically unscathed, unscarred, un-scorched.

If you could do it again, you'd have slid two or three more condoms down three or four more shafts.

If you could do it again, you would have needed to procure a pack less of Plan B.

You'd treat your body like the fragile thing you know it to be now.

And, on an unrelated note, you'd skip out of Andrew's uncircumcised, pink peen.

But because you did the best you could while the world told a black girl to be sexless and sexy and available and unattainable all at once, because you did the best you could when dating was prohibited, while hormones flowed uninhibitedly, you, at your quarter life, will be okay.

You will be better for your hoe phase.

Love,

You.

xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.

You know what? Sometimes, you've got to push a few coins aside and determine in your mind that you're going to invest into your sex life (if you had a sex jar, this would be easier to do, by the way. You can read more about what that is all about here). If you're someone who is totally down to do that, but you don't have a clue where to begin, boy have you come to the right place! Between the joy of being a writer who sometimes gets samples sent to me, the constant research that I do for the couples I work with and having folks shout-out certain items semi-often, I've compiled a list of 12 sex-related items that may seem random AF (a pun is kind of intended there) and, at the same time, can make sex so much better between you and your partner. Where's your pad at? You're definitely gonna wanna take note.

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine about someone who once told me that they had an annual week-long summer rendezvous that lasted for over 15 years with someone else. Yep — this individual would meet up with another person who lived in a different state, solely to have sex for a week straight, and then return to their city as if nothing ever happened. According to them, the only reason why this ritual romp eventually came to an end is because the other person decided to get serious about someone else; however, it wasn't until it ended that the person who told me the story realized how attached they actually had become to their sex partner (a cautionary tale). After I completed my lil' tale, my friend simply said, "Oh, I do that s — t every cuffing season. There are some people who I only talk to around this time of year, we f — k around and then that's that until the season comes around again."

Keep reading... Show less

How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks about love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.

When it comes to sexuality, there have always been societal limitations centered on what is "acceptable." However, with more honest conversations about how fluid sexuality and sexual expression can be, now there are so many more opportunities for self-exploration and taking back ownership of our identities again. One couple that is living their truth and being sexual beings unapologetically while living and loving their lives are Jasmine Johnson and King Noire.

Keep reading... Show less

I'm so excited because one of my favorite unscripted shows is back. OWN's Ready to Love is a dating series that follows professionals over 30, looking for long-lasting relationships. Hosted by Nephew Tommy, it follows singles who desire true connections and are grouped together to find them.

Keep reading... Show less

Social media influencer and actress Tabitha Brown has garnered viral fame through her inspirational and vegan videos on Instagram, thanks to her cheerful personality and infectious smile. Now, she is entering a new phase in her life as an author. The 42-year-old released Feeding the Soul on Sept. 28 and recently shared an emotional video of herself after finding out her book was number one on the New York Times Best Sellers list.

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Jill Scott Talks Balance, 'Highway To Heaven' & Not Burning Herself Out To Produce

In this exclusive, the actress dishes on executive producing the reboot, and balancing business and motherhood.

Latest Posts