A Letter To My Teenage Self During Her Hoe Phase
Dear You:
Dalton.
Khalante.
Khlante's good friend CJ.
Calil.
Denzel.
Some white boy - maybe Tyler?
A more familiar white boy, Andrew.
Two boys in one night.
Two at a business competition, separately.
You will sit, at seventeen, assigning each boy that has been inside you a finger. You soon run out of digits, and return to your left thumb to reassign.
You will know the gynecologist at the free clinic you're going to tomorrow will ask you how many. You have insurance, but you're going there so your parents will not ask you, “How many?"
By the age of eighteen, roughly fifteen boys will have known you.
Known you more than six inches deep.
They will have gathered data from late night rounds of 21 Questions, known bits and pieces of the pidgin English your parents speak, they will have known that either because of their jealousy or your selfishness or some combination of the two, you just couldn't seem to keep a girlfriend.
Three were boyfriends.
One was a best friend.
One was a lover.
The rest, buddies, desires, escapes, f*ck-it-I'm heres or f*ck-it-why-nots.
These boys and their collective knowing will be a secret you keep until your quarter life, because teenage girls are known to be fast, but the way you broke the speed limit was nearly felonious.
And I mean, if your body count is news, your criminality is too.
But like crime, the shaming of adolescent sexuality a construct, one well-intentioned at best and harm-inducing at worst.
You did not f*ck out of a place of deep despair or desperation.
You did not f*ck because your father loved you wrong or not enough or not at all.
None of the normal tropes of teenage angst spread your legs.
You f*cked because you could.
You f*cked because you liked it.
You f*cked because it was the one thing you should not have as you filled your life with shoulds.
You climbed out windows and off decks, into Ford Explorers and into unmade beds to make a life outside your accomplishments.
As you racked up A's and awards, theatre roles and presidencies, you just wanted the freedom to be as average as everyone else was allowed to be.
You will hear people talk about their hoe phases as sin and scandal and it will make you cringe.
Your hoe phase was an enlightenment.
You learned who you let in you could hurt those on the outside.
You learned that sex could leave you feeling like a goddess or like nothing at all.
You learned to be vocal and unabashed and relentless in your pursuit of satisfaction.
But perhaps it was a miracle that you walked away from fifteen boys physically unscathed, unscarred, un-scorched.
If you could do it again, you'd have slid two or three more condoms down three or four more shafts.
If you could do it again, you would have needed to procure a pack less of Plan B.
You'd treat your body like the fragile thing you know it to be now.
And, on an unrelated note, you'd skip out of Andrew's uncircumcised, pink peen.
But because you did the best you could while the world told a black girl to be sexless and sexy and available and unattainable all at once, because you did the best you could when dating was prohibited, while hormones flowed uninhibitedly, you, at your quarter life, will be okay.
You will be better for your hoe phase.
Love,
You.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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