How many of y'all remember the beginning scene in the movieObsessed where Sharon (played by Beyoncé) and her husband Charles (played by Idris Elba) walked into their new home and saw a mirror on the ceiling of their bedroom? Sharon wanted it to come down because it was tacky, but, as you're about to see in just a sec, she probably should've left it up there and then added a few more throughout the house.
Erotic self-focus. I already know that some of y'all read the title and thought, "Shellie, where do you get some of this stuff from?" Here's the thing—while this is not something that is a daily topic of conversation, believe it or not, it's actually been the center of several scientific research studies (like this one, this one and this one). Men's Health once even did a feature entitled, "Erotic Self-Focus | Why She Wants You to Watch"—so yeah, it's a bigger deal than you might think.
It also might be a practice that can take your sex life to new heights. Here's why I say that.
Poor Body Image Issues: A Main Cause of Sexual Dissatisfaction
When you've been a marriage life coach for as long as I have, it's kind of a trip what you tend to hear over and over again. On the sex tip, a lot of wives say they wish their husbands were more spontaneous. As far as husbands go, guess what I hear more than just about anything? That they want to have sex with the lights on more often. It makes sense when you think about the fact that men are stimulated visually. And since reportedly, 56 percent of women aren't satisfied with their overall appearance, I also get why this can be so much of a challenge.
The solution? First, I would recommend having very open and honest communication with your partner. Real talk ladies, we tend to be FAR MORE (I'm capitalizing that on purpose) critical of our bodies than men are. I know guys who find bellies, stretch marks (remember when Kendrick Lamar shouted them out?) and even cellulite to be mad sexy. Why? A big reason is because they're real. Real men like real women (imagine that!). It really is a reality check to admit that, a lot of us are hard on ourselves, not because of what men think but because of what the media crams down our throats and because we put ourselves in competition with other women. But goodness, that's another conversation for another time. My bottom line is this—don't project your own insecurities onto your man, just because. You might be floored by hearing what he loves about your body, if you'd just ask them.
That said, yes, if you do happen to struggle with loving your body, just as it is, I know that getting to a place where you are able to celebrate it may not happen overnight. Well, that is where the second "remedy" comes in.
Erotic self-focus is all about getting you to a point and place where you are excited about looking at your own damn self and absolutely loving what you see. And yes, sis, that is indeed very possible. And in order to have a consistently fulfilling sex life, very necessary.
What Exactly Is Erotic Self-Focus and Why It Can Help with Sexual Pleasure
With articles out here is cyberspace like "Women Want To Be Desired" (and them saying things like, "If a woman's desire significantly decreases 2 or 3 years into a relationship, it's quite likely because she is no longer being courted in the same way where she feels the heat and passion of being desired. She may become somewhat bored with the same old partner if their sexual intimacy has become routine and uninspired.") and "Men Need to Feel Desired by Their Partners, Too" (with them saying things like, "Men who wanted a more egalitarian pattern of sexual initiation indicated that they found initiating regularly was too demanding and that they wanted to be seen as an "object of desire" by their partners.), it's clear that desire plays a very relevant and essential role in sexual pleasure and fulfillment. As it relates to this particular topic, two definitions of desire are "a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment" and "sexual appetite or a sexual urge".
Y'all, even as I'm typing this, Tweet's old-school jam "Oops (Oh My)" is playing softly in the back of my mind. Although I'm pretty sure that it's 100 percent about masturbation, there are a few lines in it— "I looked over to the left/A reflection of myself/That's why I couldn't catch my breath"—that definitely can apply to erotic self-focus. The reason why I say that is because, in a nutshell, erotic self-focus is the practice of desiring yourself, just as much as you want your partner to (and probably does).
So, how do you go about putting erotic self-focus into actual action? Because the true practice of it isn't just about "liking what you see", but tapping into all of your senses (sight, hearing, touch, smell and taste) as much as possible, here are a few suggestions:
SIGHT: Put that mirror up! Even if you don't want your bedroom to feel like a 70s hotel room by putting a mirror up on the ceiling, at least make sure that there's an adjustable mirror nearby. Position it to where you can get a good view of yourself during foreplay and the act itself. While it might seem awkward at first, you might be surprised by how sexy you find your reflection to be during certain acts and positions. As a bonus, you'll definitely enjoy paying attention to how your partner looks when he's turned on by you.
HEARING: In the article, "We've Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity", something that I shout out is the powerful relevance of dirty talk in the bedroom. In fact, there's a science to it in the sense that it stimulates the biggest sex organ that we have—our brain. I know a lot of people who use "dirty words" in order to turn on their partner, but next time you're gettin' it on and in, pay attention to what you're saying—and how you're saying it. Chile, there have been many times when I've taken my sexual experiences to another level, just by listening to my tone, my breathing and my words. (If you need some inspiration, check out Kinky Quotes. They've got "nasty" one-liners for days!)
TOUCH: One of my male friends tells me often that nothing turns him on more than watching his partner touch herself. I get it. Women are beautiful and to witness a lady enjoying her own company can be a very sensual experience. The ladies here at xoNecole ain't even a little bit shy about talking about masturbation, but even if that's not personally your thing, do make it a point to pay attention to the parts of your body that are stimulated the most by your own touch. It can help you to learn how much pressure you want or don't want in certain areas. Plus, as they say, the best one to teach what turns you on is you.
SMELL: A lot of times, women put on a perfume, cologne or essential oil that they think will turn on their partner. But I'm here to tell you that if you are turned on, your partner is going to be regardless. So, the next time that you're out shopping for a fragrance, look for something that not only smells good to you but makes your mind…wander. I don't know about you, but to me, there's something about being in a room that has a luxurious scent that makes me want to swing from the chandeliers a whole lot quicker.
TASTE: Epicurean—"fond of or adapted to luxury or indulgence in sensual pleasures, especially with eating and drinking". That's the word that comes to mind when I think of this last point. If you were to bring a condiment into the bedroom, which one would you enjoy most? Chocolate syrup? Whipped cream? Honey? Incorporating a flavor that you like can also be a major turn-on. It can also make it easier to do some additional, umm, exploring (check out "Are You Ready To Amp Up Your Oral Sex Game? Try This." and "Oral Fixation: 6 Ladies Share Their Best Oral Sex Tips and Tricks").
Remember, erotic self-focus isn't vain or arrogant. It's simply a practice that gets you used to embracing how sexy you are which ultimately builds your confidence. And a confident woman in the bedroom? She's a beast. In the best way possible. Ask any man that you know—he can totally co-sign on that.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be
10 Secrets To Feeling Super Sexy (When You Don't)
Reclaim Your Sexy Just In Time To Shut Down Uncuffing Season
15 Things I Bet You Didn't Know About Your Own Vagina
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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