

15 Pre-Sex Rituals That Could Make Sex A LOT More Pleasurable
Let’s dive right in. When you know that you’re about to get some, what do you do prior to it, in order to prepare? If some of y’all are looking at your screen and shrugging your shoulders, I mean, if “nothing” has been working for you this long, I guess all that I can say is, “Do you, sis.” If the rest of you are like, “I mean, I take a shower” (good) and sometimes dress up (cool), this might be something that you’ll want to check out. Because what I am about to share are 15 things that you can do, pre-sex, that could actually make sex even better for you and your partner. Because while I know that the saying is that the devil is in the details, I tend to think that mind-blowing orgasms are. Real talk.
1. Hand-Wash Your Delicates
Gain (the detergent) and I have an interesting relationship. I like the price. I like the smell. It cleans well. However, when it comes to my undies, it can irritate my va-jay-jay like no other. It’s in “honor” of my love/hate relationship with it that my first recommendation for pre-sex rituals is that you handwash the lingerie that you play on wearing because there is nothing worse than itching during sex or a couple of days after, all because your detergent was too harsh on your “gentle parts.” By the way, if you want to learn how to make your own detergent (especially if you have really sensitive skin), there are some recipes and instructions here, here, and here.
2. Apply Some Waterproof Mascara and Sweet Almond Oil to Your Eyelids
A full face of make-up during sex seems like a lot (to me). I do think that there is something to be said for putting on a couple of coats of mascara and a little bit of sweet almond oil on your eyelids, though. Mascara is dope because it has a way of opening up your eyes and making them appear sexy and seductive. The oil is cool because it can make your eyes look alluring (almost like you have eyeshadow on but…don’t). Just make sure that your mascara is waterproof. The last thing you want to be doing is squinting hard because it’s running into your eyes and irritating them.
3. Exfoliate Your Lips
Last year, I wrote an article for the site entitled, “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?”. Everybody’s grown and definitely to each their own, yet I personally can’t imagine having sex — especially great sex — without A LOT of kissing going down. And who wants to do that on rough, chapped lips? That’s why I think that another important sex ritual is to exfoliate them ahead of time. You can do it with your toothbrush, you can rub some brown sugar on them (while they are wet) or you can make an exfoliant. Homemade for Elle is a site that features 13 different recipes right here.
4. Drink Some Fruit Juice
No matter what you’ve got planned for the evening, I’m pretty sure your mouth is going to be involved on some level (wink). That’s why it needs to be properly hydrated. Water will certainly do the job. Personally, I recommend fruit juice (even if it’s half water/half fruit juice) because it will add some flavor to your mouth. Speaking of mouths, I once read that something a particular woman does as a part of her own pre-sex ritual is to massage her jaws beforehand. Again, everyone is grown, so I’m pretty sure you get why. Anyway, I think that’s a wise tip, right there. Definitely worth considering.
5. Put Some Shea Butter on Your Nipples
The reason why I wrote “So, What If ‘Typical Erogenous Zones’ Annoy TF Outta You?” for the site is because, while I personally am sitting at a whopping 36H, interestingly enough, my nipples aren’t even in the top five of erogenous zones for me. And yet, not one of my past sex partners avoided treating them like a trip to Six Flags. Since anybody’s spit can dry out skin, it’s a good idea to “lube up” your nipples with some shea butter. Because there is nothing worse than dry and/or itchy nipples following a sexcapade. Trust me.
6. Dab a Little Essential Oil Down Below
When a male friend and I were discussing cunnilingus one day, he said that what irritates him isn’t the taste of a woman’s vagina but the fact that she will put “smell goods” on every other part of her body but where his face is going to be for (if she’s lucky) 10-15 minutes (LOL). Good point, sir. That said, don’t forget to put some of your (or his) favorite perfume on your inner thighs and on your buttocks. As far as smell goods go, I personally would recommend essential oils (check out “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last”). It has multiple health benefits, it tends to last longer and the blend of pumpkin and lavender oils has the great reputation of increasing blood flow to a man’s shaft by as much as 40 percent (you’re welcome).
7. Pumice Your Feet
Do y’all remember when Taylor Swift once said that shaving cream is basically soap, so she doesn’t see the need to actually wash her legs? Then she added to that that she doesn’t wash her feet either? Chile. The way that Black Twitter damn near had a heart attack about that leads me to believe that I don’t have to emphasize how important it is to do both, whether you’re planning on having sex or not. What I will say, though, is if it’s been over a week since you’ve had a pedicure, make sure that you pumice your feet; especially your heels. Afterplay is something that’s really important when it comes to sex. No one really wants to cuddle up to rough ass feet, though. Straight up.
8. Tug on Your “Hairs”
OK, so what am I talking about? What do you think that I’m talking about? Hair is constantly shedding, even in the pubic region and so most of us have gotten a couple of those in our mouth at some point or another.
While it’s perfectly normal, that doesn’t mean there aren’t things that can be done to avoid it too. One is to make sure that you gently “tug” on your pubic hairs (especially the ones that are covering your inner lips, just to see if any loose ones come out. It might be something that you’ve never considered before but it’s worth the extra couple of minutes of effort.
9. "Seal" Your Skin
Soft silky skin is a must if you want to have a wonderful night. One of the best ways to achieve that is by “sealing your skin” while you’re in the shower. All that means is after you do your final rinse and before you get out to towel yourself dry, you apply some type of carrier oil to help to “lock in” the moisture that the water provided. Coconut, avocado, grapeseed, jojoba, or sweet almond oil are all great at getting the job done. I’d avoid olive oil, though; it has a slight stench to it.
10. “Scent Up” Your Bedding
The same perfume or essential oil that you used on your thighs and butt is the same that you should put on your bedding. Aside from rolling around on really comfortable sheets, there is nothing like the lure of ones that have an enticing scent to them. Some scents to consider include jasmine, vanilla, rose, sandalwood, and cinnamon.
11. Pull Your Hair Back
Listen, I don’t know what kinda sex y’all be having but I don’t see the point in my hair being all in my face the entire time. While there is nothing like a good hair tug, as you can see from the feature pic in the article “Contrary To Popular Assumption, Black Women LOVE Getting Their Hair Pulled During Sex,” a ponytail can get that accomplished. Just something to think about.
12. Pee and Then Use a Perineal Bottle on Your Vulva
Even when I watch movies where a couple is about to get it in and one of them stops and says they have to pee, a part of me turns up my nose when they just come out and immediately simulate oral sex because toilet paper doesn’t always get rid of all of the urine. Let’s be real.
That’s why, even though it is a good idea to pee before sex (you should do so before and after because it flushes bacteria out of your urethra), it’s a good idea to follow that up with a quick lil’ “flush” via a perineal bottle. It’s basically the kind of bottle that a lot of new moms use after giving birth in order to soothe their vulva and vagina with water. Typically, they aren’t very hard to find. Many drugstores carry them.
13. Put Some Sex Condiments by Your Bed
One time, in a land far away, I went on a date with a guy at a restaurant that doesn’t exist anymore (The Cooker). They used to have something called The Cooker Pie that was, whew lawd. Anyway, if you ordered it to go, you would get the toppings for it in little containers. Some of them included caramel, fudge, and whipped cream. When we went back to my hotel room, right before I hovered (some of y’all will catch that later), I put some of those toppings on my vulva. “OH MY!” he said. It was hilarious — and amazing if you know what I mean. While I do agree with an ex of mine who once said that if you have to rely on condiments to make your food taste good, you didn’t prepare it right, I am totally for sex condiments — because clean skin tastes great. With a little bit of honey or frosting, though? Even better (check out “12 ‘Sex Condiments’ That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”).
14. Turn Down Your Thermostat
In the article, “So, Guess How Long (Many) Women Want Sex To Last?”, I shared that, according to some research, it would appear that many of us want sex to be around 13.41 minutes. Whether that makes perfect sense to you, you’d prefer to add an hour of foreplay to it, or you like to go more than a couple of rounds, each and every time, it never hurts to turn that thermostat down. You know, I’ve got a friend who says that while she thoroughly enjoys sex with her husband, he literally sweats buckets which can be annoying as all get out. If you can relate, a “hack” around that is to make sure your thermostat is no higher than 65-68 degrees. At least until y’all get the job done.
15. Get Mindful
At the end of the day, being mindful is simply about being fully present (orgasmic meditation is something that can help to make this happen, by the way). You know, I recently read a study that said that when married couples remain in the moment and are intentionally non-judgmental towards their partners, it helps them to have more consistent orgasms. Present with your partner. Loving on them without judgment. I can’t think of a better way to end this pre-sex ritual tips article, can you? Yeah, me neither. Have fun! #wink
Featured image by Giphy
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
They say you can’t heal in the same place that made you sick. And I couldn’t.
The year was 2019, and I knew I had to go. My spirit was calling me to be alone and to go alone. It was required in that season. A few months prior, I had quit my job. And it was late 2017 when I had met trauma.
I was completely broken, and every part of me hurt. I was no longer the lighthearted Camille that everyone loved and knew me to be. I remember a family friend saying, “You’re not the same.” And I wasn’t. I no longer recognized the girl looking back at me in the mirror. I needed major healing.
It was 2018 when I found the courage to seek mental health therapy. At that point, I knew there was nothing more that my friends could do for me. I was all cried out, and the silence was killing me. At the time, I was diagnosed with clinical anxiety, depression, and PTSD. How?
How did I let trauma take complete control of my life? But I had to forgive myself for all the things I did not know.
At the time, my therapist introduced me to journaling as a coping mechanism. Words ultimately became my best friend. In many ways, I would like to think that writing saved me. I am in love with words, and I always have been. My writing was and still is my safe space. It unlocked opportunities I never imagined – like writing for xoNecole.
And with this gift, I can now tell you a story about my own trauma, healing, self-discovery, and the journey to learning how to celebrate myself.
Starting a Healing Journey
In early Spring 2019, I was told by a Reiki healer that I was going to embark on a journey. She told me it was going to be lonely, but I was never alone. The thing is I never once mentioned to this woman my travel plans. It was August 2019 when I planned my solo trip to Europe. It was going to be 38 days alone on a continent I knew absolutely nothing about. By the end of summer and a nine-hour flight later, I touched down in London.
I fell in love with every single thing. I fell in love with everything I could see – colors, cobblestone streets, spiral staircases, adorned windows, architecture, garden terraces, nature, and people. I fell in love with everything I could hear – accents, language, history, and music. I fell in love with everything I could taste – wines, foods, and desserts. I fell in love with everything I could feel – ocean breezes, white sands, and well-designed buildings. I fell in love with everything that fed my soul. People, stories, and connections. I fell in love with myself.
I traveled to England, Portugal, Spain, France, and Italy. And with every conversation and every connection I made – I found healing.
I always say women have the ability to heal others naturally. It was here in my travels that I started to pay attention to the concepts of purpose, connection, energy, alignment, and universal signs. I began to truly realize not only my strengths and universal gifts but also how to use them too. I started to step into my authentic self. I began to realize who Camille really was. A free spirit with a heart of gold.
Courtesy of Camille Ali
A New Season
By the time I had returned from Europe, it was late Fall 2019, and I was a completely different person.
I spent most of my time pouring into myself. Self-development and self-love became key. Everything that I previously settled for in family, friends, and relationships – I went and gave to myself. Read that again. I became completely in love with who I was becoming, and I still am. I had let go of tradition, conditional beliefs, people pleasing, and living my life to make my parents proud.
I had let go of being a “straight arrow,” and the idea of having it all figured out. I outgrew tradition and cultural norms. Sometimes, those things can be so blinding.
I began to shift. I adopted and altered the things that aligned with my purpose and values.
I became risk-tolerant instead of risk-averse.
I canceled my fears.
I welcomed uncertainty, knowing I would always land on my feet.
This newfound level of confidence came out of nowhere. It was no longer a question of if I can do this. The question became, how can I do this? I stayed open to possibilities and opportunities in whichever form they came to me. I became selective and intentional with my time and energy, too. I went from being a 9 to 5 government employee, then a corporate consultant, to a small business owner not once but twice by 2021.
If you ask me who I am now, I would say I am authentically a creative. I write from my heart, and I speak from my core. My voice is my power, and my words hold weight. By trade, I am a paralegal and a business consultant.
How Trauma Shows Up in the Body
Even though I was able to heal my heart, my mind, and my spirit, I wasn’t quite done healing. And I didn’t even know it. In the last seven years, I gained weight. This was a direct result of a broken heart, emotional trauma, mental health issues, stress, and poor lifestyle choices. I was a good 50 pounds overweight, too. I knew something was wrong with my body when it stopped responding to my dietary and lifestyle efforts.
I started to advocate for my health in the winter of 2022 to get clarity and answers. I sought the care of medical specialists, asked the right questions, requested second opinions, and tested and retested my blood. Not one doctor could properly diagnose me, either.
When Western medicine failed me, I chose holistic medicine. What I learned and what I understood was that my physical health issues were a straight-up trauma response. I cried. I was always conscious about my health, and now I’m sick with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. Yes, PTSD triggers and is linked to autoimmune diseases.
I remember thinking, “I did this to myself, and I have to fix it.”
I spent the majority of 2023 detoxing with Chinese herbs, making every lifestyle change possible. My body was holding on to dead weight – it had to go for me to continue to become.
Courtesy of Camille Ali
Celebrating Myself
Summer 2023 couldn’t come any faster. I completed my holistic detox with sacrifice and ease. While everyone saw just a “body transformation,” for me, it was an emotional release.
I was no longer reminded of what transpired. I cried again.
There were so many days, months, and years that I thought I would never get me back. And I believed it. I mean, who wouldn’t? Medical experts adamantly told me that there was nothing wrong with me. All I wanted was to feel like myself again. I missed me so badly.
I looked for me everywhere. I couldn’t find her until I paused and did the inner work.
I wouldn’t change one thing about my healing journey. It all had to happen so I could be in this current moment. And this girl right here – I know exactly who she is. I know what she stands for through and through. And I’ll never stray from that.
I’ve grown so much, yet in some ways, I’m rediscovering who this girl is again. It’s so intoxicating.
Courtesy of Camille Ali
Returning to Europe
I have always wanted to go back to Europe. Europe is a magical place to be. It's the energy, the people, and the lifestyle for me. But the timing wasn’t right. It took the wedding of a close friend of mine to make my return happen. I returned to Europe in August 2023. This time to Greece.
At first, I didn’t realize the significance of the timing. But make no mistake, this was alignment, a full circle moment, and a testimony to myself. I started a healing journey in August 2019, and I returned as a completely different person this year.
Happy, whole, and healed. Resilient and confident.
I knew I was meant to share a pivotal moment in my friend’s life and celebrate myself. My word for 2023 was joy, and I wanted all of it. More importantly, I deserved it.
I fell in love with everything all over again. Everything that I can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste, that is. I created moments and memories. And I felt each moment and memory deeply in new places and with new faces. Greece owed me absolutely nothing. Europe will always and forever have a special place in my heart.
My five-year healing journey taught me to always choose myself. I am grateful because my entire journey brought me home to myself. And one thing about me is that when I am in the right environment — I thrive. Always.
The journey to self-discovery is worth the uncomfortable moments and ugly crying. It’s worth the undoing, redoing, and reprocessing to finally come to a place of happiness, peace, and being comfortable in your own skin.
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Featured image by AzmanJaka/Getty Images