

Let’s dive right in. When you know that you’re about to get some, what do you do prior to it, in order to prepare? If some of y’all are looking at your screen and shrugging your shoulders, I mean, if “nothing” has been working for you this long, I guess all that I can say is, “Do you, sis.” If the rest of you are like, “I mean, I take a shower” (good) and sometimes dress up (cool), this might be something that you’ll want to check out. Because what I am about to share are 15 things that you can do, pre-sex, that could actually make sex even better for you and your partner. Because while I know that the saying is that the devil is in the details, I tend to think that mind-blowing orgasms are. Real talk.
1. Hand-Wash Your Delicates
Gain (the detergent) and I have an interesting relationship. I like the price. I like the smell. It cleans well. However, when it comes to my undies, it can irritate my va-jay-jay like no other. It’s in “honor” of my love/hate relationship with it that my first recommendation for pre-sex rituals is that you handwash the lingerie that you play on wearing because there is nothing worse than itching during sex or a couple of days after, all because your detergent was too harsh on your “gentle parts.” By the way, if you want to learn how to make your own detergent (especially if you have really sensitive skin), there are some recipes and instructions here, here, and here.
2. Apply Some Waterproof Mascara and Sweet Almond Oil to Your Eyelids
A full face of make-up during sex seems like a lot (to me). I do think that there is something to be said for putting on a couple of coats of mascara and a little bit of sweet almond oil on your eyelids, though. Mascara is dope because it has a way of opening up your eyes and making them appear sexy and seductive. The oil is cool because it can make your eyes look alluring (almost like you have eyeshadow on but…don’t). Just make sure that your mascara is waterproof. The last thing you want to be doing is squinting hard because it’s running into your eyes and irritating them.
3. Exfoliate Your Lips
Last year, I wrote an article for the site entitled, “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?”. Everybody’s grown and definitely to each their own, yet I personally can’t imagine having sex — especially great sex — without A LOT of kissing going down. And who wants to do that on rough, chapped lips? That’s why I think that another important sex ritual is to exfoliate them ahead of time. You can do it with your toothbrush, you can rub some brown sugar on them (while they are wet) or you can make an exfoliant. Homemade for Elle is a site that features 13 different recipes right here.
4. Drink Some Fruit Juice
No matter what you’ve got planned for the evening, I’m pretty sure your mouth is going to be involved on some level (wink). That’s why it needs to be properly hydrated. Water will certainly do the job. Personally, I recommend fruit juice (even if it’s half water/half fruit juice) because it will add some flavor to your mouth. Speaking of mouths, I once read that something a particular woman does as a part of her own pre-sex ritual is to massage her jaws beforehand. Again, everyone is grown, so I’m pretty sure you get why. Anyway, I think that’s a wise tip, right there. Definitely worth considering.
5. Put Some Shea Butter on Your Nipples
The reason why I wrote “So, What If ‘Typical Erogenous Zones’ Annoy TF Outta You?” for the site is because, while I personally am sitting at a whopping 36H, interestingly enough, my nipples aren’t even in the top five of erogenous zones for me. And yet, not one of my past sex partners avoided treating them like a trip to Six Flags. Since anybody’s spit can dry out skin, it’s a good idea to “lube up” your nipples with some shea butter. Because there is nothing worse than dry and/or itchy nipples following a sexcapade. Trust me.
6. Dab a Little Essential Oil Down Below
When a male friend and I were discussing cunnilingus one day, he said that what irritates him isn’t the taste of a woman’s vagina but the fact that she will put “smell goods” on every other part of her body but where his face is going to be for (if she’s lucky) 10-15 minutes (LOL). Good point, sir. That said, don’t forget to put some of your (or his) favorite perfume on your inner thighs and on your buttocks. As far as smell goods go, I personally would recommend essential oils (check out “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last”). It has multiple health benefits, it tends to last longer and the blend of pumpkin and lavender oils has the great reputation of increasing blood flow to a man’s shaft by as much as 40 percent (you’re welcome).
7. Pumice Your Feet
Do y’all remember when Taylor Swift once said that shaving cream is basically soap, so she doesn’t see the need to actually wash her legs? Then she added to that that she doesn’t wash her feet either? Chile. The way that Black Twitter damn near had a heart attack about that leads me to believe that I don’t have to emphasize how important it is to do both, whether you’re planning on having sex or not. What I will say, though, is if it’s been over a week since you’ve had a pedicure, make sure that you pumice your feet; especially your heels. Afterplay is something that’s really important when it comes to sex. No one really wants to cuddle up to rough ass feet, though. Straight up.
8. Tug on Your “Hairs”
OK, so what am I talking about? What do you think that I’m talking about? Hair is constantly shedding, even in the pubic region and so most of us have gotten a couple of those in our mouth at some point or another.
While it’s perfectly normal, that doesn’t mean there aren’t things that can be done to avoid it too. One is to make sure that you gently “tug” on your pubic hairs (especially the ones that are covering your inner lips, just to see if any loose ones come out. It might be something that you’ve never considered before but it’s worth the extra couple of minutes of effort.
9. "Seal" Your Skin
Soft silky skin is a must if you want to have a wonderful night. One of the best ways to achieve that is by “sealing your skin” while you’re in the shower. All that means is after you do your final rinse and before you get out to towel yourself dry, you apply some type of carrier oil to help to “lock in” the moisture that the water provided. Coconut, avocado, grapeseed, jojoba, or sweet almond oil are all great at getting the job done. I’d avoid olive oil, though; it has a slight stench to it.
10. “Scent Up” Your Bedding
The same perfume or essential oil that you used on your thighs and butt is the same that you should put on your bedding. Aside from rolling around on really comfortable sheets, there is nothing like the lure of ones that have an enticing scent to them. Some scents to consider include jasmine, vanilla, rose, sandalwood, and cinnamon.
11. Pull Your Hair Back
Listen, I don’t know what kinda sex y’all be having but I don’t see the point in my hair being all in my face the entire time. While there is nothing like a good hair tug, as you can see from the feature pic in the article “Contrary To Popular Assumption, Black Women LOVE Getting Their Hair Pulled During Sex,” a ponytail can get that accomplished. Just something to think about.
12. Pee and Then Use a Perineal Bottle on Your Vulva
Even when I watch movies where a couple is about to get it in and one of them stops and says they have to pee, a part of me turns up my nose when they just come out and immediately simulate oral sex because toilet paper doesn’t always get rid of all of the urine. Let’s be real.
That’s why, even though it is a good idea to pee before sex (you should do so before and after because it flushes bacteria out of your urethra), it’s a good idea to follow that up with a quick lil’ “flush” via a perineal bottle. It’s basically the kind of bottle that a lot of new moms use after giving birth in order to soothe their vulva and vagina with water. Typically, they aren’t very hard to find. Many drugstores carry them.
13. Put Some Sex Condiments by Your Bed
One time, in a land far away, I went on a date with a guy at a restaurant that doesn’t exist anymore (The Cooker). They used to have something called The Cooker Pie that was, whew lawd. Anyway, if you ordered it to go, you would get the toppings for it in little containers. Some of them included caramel, fudge, and whipped cream. When we went back to my hotel room, right before I hovered (some of y’all will catch that later), I put some of those toppings on my vulva. “OH MY!” he said. It was hilarious — and amazing if you know what I mean. While I do agree with an ex of mine who once said that if you have to rely on condiments to make your food taste good, you didn’t prepare it right, I am totally for sex condiments — because clean skin tastes great. With a little bit of honey or frosting, though? Even better (check out “12 ‘Sex Condiments’ That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”).
14. Turn Down Your Thermostat
In the article, “So, Guess How Long (Many) Women Want Sex To Last?”, I shared that, according to some research, it would appear that many of us want sex to be around 13.41 minutes. Whether that makes perfect sense to you, you’d prefer to add an hour of foreplay to it, or you like to go more than a couple of rounds, each and every time, it never hurts to turn that thermostat down. You know, I’ve got a friend who says that while she thoroughly enjoys sex with her husband, he literally sweats buckets which can be annoying as all get out. If you can relate, a “hack” around that is to make sure your thermostat is no higher than 65-68 degrees. At least until y’all get the job done.
15. Get Mindful
At the end of the day, being mindful is simply about being fully present (orgasmic meditation is something that can help to make this happen, by the way). You know, I recently read a study that said that when married couples remain in the moment and are intentionally non-judgmental towards their partners, it helps them to have more consistent orgasms. Present with your partner. Loving on them without judgment. I can’t think of a better way to end this pre-sex ritual tips article, can you? Yeah, me neither. Have fun! #wink
Featured image by Giphy
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
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Feature image by Antonio Livingston.
Social Media Has A 'Man's First Love' Theory. I Asked 10 Guys About It.
Let me just put it right on out there and say that my first love and I couldn’t be more ridiculous — and yes, ridiculous is absolutely the right word. Ever since 1993, when we first laid eyes on each other in a friend’s dorm room, it’s been a series of situations, experiences, run-ins, phone calls, declarations — over and over and over again with the latest one actually being about a year ago.
We both happened to be in a part of Nashville, debating about which restaurant to go to, literally debating between the same two, only to ultimately run into each other…again. Googly-eyed and flirting…AGAIN.
This is an intro, so I don’t have a lot of time to get into why marrying someone who has been married before will absolutely never be an option for me (unless they are a widow) and honestly, because neither one of them has yet to jump a broom, I think that’s why there is still a part of us who romanticizes the notion that life may someday cultivate another chance for us. I don’t know — I’ve been humbled enough by his fineness and our undeniable chemistry to not pull a Brandy and “never say never” anymore (some of y’all will catch that later — LOL).
For now, I’ll just say that I’m only sharing all of this because of something that he — and many other men in my world over the course of my life — has said to me before: “I’ve only really loved you and one other woman”…and trust me, there have been MANY, so that statement is…something.
That’s why the man’s first love theory, something that has been generating quite a bit of chatter on social media these past few months, has intrigued me so. Because, even as a woman, I believe that men don’t “fall in love with love” that often. Not only that but, contrary to a lot of rambling gibberish that I oftentimes see on TikTok and Instagram, I also believe that when easily 80 percent of men genuinely love a woman, they take it far more seriously than they are given credit for.
Y’all don’t have to take my word for it, though. Let’s first unpack what the “theory” is all about and then hear what 10 men have to say about it all.
*Middle names are always used in my interview pieces so that people can speak freely*
First, What Is the “Man’s First Love” Theory?
@jayoffline♬ original sound - JB
Honestly, what this guy just said pretty much covers the theory in a nutshell: once a man has experienced true love for the first time, it’s hard for him to ever fully shake it. Okay, but what intel is there to support this notion beyond his post?
Well, a USA Today article on the topic said that this could be true due to the fact that since men are typically not encouraged to process their emotions in the same way that women are, that could be why their first love oftentimes has such a lasting impact on them. Beyond that, I once watched a social media post where a man said that since men are called to provide and protect and women expect men to do that, men love women like they do their daughters while women love men like they do their fathers — and since fathers are (mentally and emotionally) expected to die before daughters, that’s why men and women process love differently in the sense that women can see love ending and surviving it while men? Not so much. Pretty deep, right?
And I mean, the mere fact that 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women? That may help to prove that perspective to be pretty accurate (just sayin’). There’s also scientific research that says women tend to experience love more than men and that women tend to “fall out of love” before men do, although, interestingly enough, men reportedly “fall in love” faster than women and say “I love you” three times quicker (bet y’all didn’t see that last part coming).
What do I think personally? Well, I do think that women are oftentimes more relationship-minded and driven than men which makes sense when you think about the fact that we have a strong nurturing gene within us — and because of that, we’re probably more intentional about having a serious relationship and even more resilient should said-relationship come to an end.
On the flip side, I have talked to so many men about this topic over time that I will stand 10 toes down that I think that when it comes to real, genuine, and lasting love, most men probably have three of those max: their first love, their wife and perhaps someone in between or after (should the marriage end).
That’s just my thoughts on all of this, though. And so, I decided to actually ask 10 guys — guys with different relationship statuses — to share with me what they think about the man’s first love theory…based on what they believe and how they now feel about their own first love.
Here’s what they had to say.
1. Elijah. 29. Single.
“I was late to the game when it comes to love. My first love was in college and she almost ruined my life. Not because she was a bad person — I just had never felt that way about anyone, so it was hard for me to focus on school, I was thinking about changing my plans to follow her around the country and I was even losing some of who I was to make the relationship work. Social media will have you thinking that men don’t know how to love when the truth is that when we fall, we fall hard and if it was painful, we’re just not in a rush to do it again. We’re capable. We just don’t want to be martyrs.”
2. Ian. 30. Engaged.
“My first love was my high school sweetheart. It wasn’t until I got with my fiancée now that I realized that I really did compare every woman after [my first love]to her. That wasn’t fair or even healthy but until her, I had never really seen women on such an ‘all in’ way and, since she broke up with me, it’s not like I had wanted the love to end. Men don’t just not forget their first love, the way that they look at other women is influenced by her. Guys who deny that are lying.”
3. Yosef. 25. Dating.
“The timing of this conversation is strange because I’m wondering if I’m about to have a first love now. I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and even though it’s not serious and there is no title, I can’t get her off of my mind. In high school, there was nothing serious. In college, things stayed casual because I was focused on getting out. Now, I’m ready to consider a relationship and this girl has me seeing women really differently. It’s wonderful and terrifying at the same time. Is that what having a first love is like?”
4. Claude. 45. Married.
“My first love experience is something that I still try to figure out because my actual first love and my wife are very different women — and when I met my wife, it made me wonder if my first love was the real thing. It’s not because I don’t think that my first love experience wasn’t real or even valid but the way I feel about my wife is so much more. I guess what I will say is, if nothing else, men will always be impacted by their first love — and if it was a good situation, they will be grateful that it happened.”
5. Mykal. 33. Single.
“I totally agree with the theory that men don’t fall in love often. For what? What women don’t think about is, once we love you, we don’t have plans to leave. That’s why many men have stories of things that they put up with, too often and too long, because what comes with our love is loyalty. First loves can make or break us — that’s how crucial they are. Only women would challenge that. Guys know.”
6. Jackai. 37. In a Serious Relationship.
“My first love broke my heart and that had me on the war path for a long time. I don’t think women get that once we love you, we see you as perfection and don’t even consider that you will do something that will change that. Once it happens, it shakes us to where either we avoid relationships or we keep things very shallow and surface. While y’all are talking about all we think about is sex, what usually is happening is a guy who is still trying to get over his ex.”
7. Dorian. 39. Dating.
“Funny, because I just talked to my first love recently. Whenever either one of us makes a big life decision, we reach out to update each other. I think it’s because, when we were together, we consulted each other a lot. Anyway, I think that answers your question: men are connected to their first love, one way or another. It’s a space that no one can really compete with. That’s just the way it is.”
8. Franklin. 28. Single.
“Whenever I think about my first love, I’m pissed. She cheated on me and I never saw that coming. It has taken me a long time to believe that all women aren’t like her because when you tell a woman that you love her and she says it back, you don’t even comprehend that she could hurt you. Women don’t get how serious men are about love when it happens…that’s why it doesn’t happen a lot.”
9. Cael. 42. Married.
“I’m lucky to say that I married my first love. It took us forever to get to that point because we’ve known each other since our freshman year in college. We dated for a year and broke up. After graduation, she moved away and got engaged while I dated someone for a few years. We always stayed in touch and when she ended her engagement, we talked more often. I always compared other women to her because she’s my favorite person. We’ve been married for eight years now. Marrying your first love is a pure experience.”
10. Westyn. 30. In a Serious Relationship.
“Your first introduction to anything is going to make up the fabric of who you are. How much you allow that to change you is a choice. A lot about how we love is a choice. But to say that a first love isn’t in the top five as far as life-altering matters? How could it not be? It teaches you about love for the first time. I don’t think any human, not just men, can forget something like that.”
____
You know what I appreciated so much about these answers? It’s because each man expressed that, yes, love is a very real thing to and for them, and their first time learning about it in a romantic way, it did indeed transform them on some level.
And that’s why, personally, I don’t think that the man’s first love theory is a mere theory at all. Men do love — and they love pretty hard whenever it happens. Especially when it transpires for the first time.
As you just saw.
“Theory” proven.
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