15 Pre-Sex Rituals That Could Make Sex A LOT More Pleasurable
Let’s dive right in. When you know that you’re about to get some, what do you do prior to it, in order to prepare? If some of y’all are looking at your screen and shrugging your shoulders, I mean, if “nothing” has been working for you this long, I guess all that I can say is, “Do you, sis.” If the rest of you are like, “I mean, I take a shower” (good) and sometimes dress up (cool), this might be something that you’ll want to check out. Because what I am about to share are 15 things that you can do, pre-sex, that could actually make sex even better for you and your partner. Because while I know that the saying is that the devil is in the details, I tend to think that mind-blowing orgasms are. Real talk.
1. Hand-Wash Your Delicates
Gain (the detergent) and I have an interesting relationship. I like the price. I like the smell. It cleans well. However, when it comes to my undies, it can irritate my va-jay-jay like no other. It’s in “honor” of my love/hate relationship with it that my first recommendation for pre-sex rituals is that you handwash the lingerie that you play on wearing because there is nothing worse than itching during sex or a couple of days after, all because your detergent was too harsh on your “gentle parts.” By the way, if you want to learn how to make your own detergent (especially if you have really sensitive skin), there are some recipes and instructions here, here, and here.
2. Apply Some Waterproof Mascara and Sweet Almond Oil to Your Eyelids
A full face of make-up during sex seems like a lot (to me). I do think that there is something to be said for putting on a couple of coats of mascara and a little bit of sweet almond oil on your eyelids, though. Mascara is dope because it has a way of opening up your eyes and making them appear sexy and seductive. The oil is cool because it can make your eyes look alluring (almost like you have eyeshadow on but…don’t). Just make sure that your mascara is waterproof. The last thing you want to be doing is squinting hard because it’s running into your eyes and irritating them.
3. Exfoliate Your Lips
Last year, I wrote an article for the site entitled, “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?”. Everybody’s grown and definitely to each their own, yet I personally can’t imagine having sex — especially great sex — without A LOT of kissing going down. And who wants to do that on rough, chapped lips? That’s why I think that another important sex ritual is to exfoliate them ahead of time. You can do it with your toothbrush, you can rub some brown sugar on them (while they are wet) or you can make an exfoliant. Homemade for Elle is a site that features 13 different recipes right here.
4. Drink Some Fruit Juice
No matter what you’ve got planned for the evening, I’m pretty sure your mouth is going to be involved on some level (wink). That’s why it needs to be properly hydrated. Water will certainly do the job. Personally, I recommend fruit juice (even if it’s half water/half fruit juice) because it will add some flavor to your mouth. Speaking of mouths, I once read that something a particular woman does as a part of her own pre-sex ritual is to massage her jaws beforehand. Again, everyone is grown, so I’m pretty sure you get why. Anyway, I think that’s a wise tip, right there. Definitely worth considering.
5. Put Some Shea Butter on Your Nipples
The reason why I wrote “So, What If ‘Typical Erogenous Zones’ Annoy TF Outta You?” for the site is because, while I personally am sitting at a whopping 36H, interestingly enough, my nipples aren’t even in the top five of erogenous zones for me. And yet, not one of my past sex partners avoided treating them like a trip to Six Flags. Since anybody’s spit can dry out skin, it’s a good idea to “lube up” your nipples with some shea butter. Because there is nothing worse than dry and/or itchy nipples following a sexcapade. Trust me.
6. Dab a Little Essential Oil Down Below
When a male friend and I were discussing cunnilingus one day, he said that what irritates him isn’t the taste of a woman’s vagina but the fact that she will put “smell goods” on every other part of her body but where his face is going to be for (if she’s lucky) 10-15 minutes (LOL). Good point, sir. That said, don’t forget to put some of your (or his) favorite perfume on your inner thighs and on your buttocks. As far as smell goods go, I personally would recommend essential oils (check out “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last”). It has multiple health benefits, it tends to last longer and the blend of pumpkin and lavender oils has the great reputation of increasing blood flow to a man’s shaft by as much as 40 percent (you’re welcome).
7. Pumice Your Feet
Do y’all remember when Taylor Swift once said that shaving cream is basically soap, so she doesn’t see the need to actually wash her legs? Then she added to that that she doesn’t wash her feet either? Chile. The way that Black Twitter damn near had a heart attack about that leads me to believe that I don’t have to emphasize how important it is to do both, whether you’re planning on having sex or not. What I will say, though, is if it’s been over a week since you’ve had a pedicure, make sure that you pumice your feet; especially your heels. Afterplay is something that’s really important when it comes to sex. No one really wants to cuddle up to rough ass feet, though. Straight up.
8. Tug on Your “Hairs”
OK, so what am I talking about? What do you think that I’m talking about? Hair is constantly shedding, even in the pubic region and so most of us have gotten a couple of those in our mouth at some point or another.
While it’s perfectly normal, that doesn’t mean there aren’t things that can be done to avoid it too. One is to make sure that you gently “tug” on your pubic hairs (especially the ones that are covering your inner lips, just to see if any loose ones come out. It might be something that you’ve never considered before but it’s worth the extra couple of minutes of effort.
9. "Seal" Your Skin
Soft silky skin is a must if you want to have a wonderful night. One of the best ways to achieve that is by “sealing your skin” while you’re in the shower. All that means is after you do your final rinse and before you get out to towel yourself dry, you apply some type of carrier oil to help to “lock in” the moisture that the water provided. Coconut, avocado, grapeseed, jojoba, or sweet almond oil are all great at getting the job done. I’d avoid olive oil, though; it has a slight stench to it.
10. “Scent Up” Your Bedding
The same perfume or essential oil that you used on your thighs and butt is the same that you should put on your bedding. Aside from rolling around on really comfortable sheets, there is nothing like the lure of ones that have an enticing scent to them. Some scents to consider include jasmine, vanilla, rose, sandalwood, and cinnamon.
11. Pull Your Hair Back
Listen, I don’t know what kinda sex y’all be having but I don’t see the point in my hair being all in my face the entire time. While there is nothing like a good hair tug, as you can see from the feature pic in the article “Contrary To Popular Assumption, Black Women LOVE Getting Their Hair Pulled During Sex,” a ponytail can get that accomplished. Just something to think about.
12. Pee and Then Use a Perineal Bottle on Your Vulva
Even when I watch movies where a couple is about to get it in and one of them stops and says they have to pee, a part of me turns up my nose when they just come out and immediately simulate oral sex because toilet paper doesn’t always get rid of all of the urine. Let’s be real.
That’s why, even though it is a good idea to pee before sex (you should do so before and after because it flushes bacteria out of your urethra), it’s a good idea to follow that up with a quick lil’ “flush” via a perineal bottle. It’s basically the kind of bottle that a lot of new moms use after giving birth in order to soothe their vulva and vagina with water. Typically, they aren’t very hard to find. Many drugstores carry them.
13. Put Some Sex Condiments by Your Bed
One time, in a land far away, I went on a date with a guy at a restaurant that doesn’t exist anymore (The Cooker). They used to have something called The Cooker Pie that was, whew lawd. Anyway, if you ordered it to go, you would get the toppings for it in little containers. Some of them included caramel, fudge, and whipped cream. When we went back to my hotel room, right before I hovered (some of y’all will catch that later), I put some of those toppings on my vulva. “OH MY!” he said. It was hilarious — and amazing if you know what I mean. While I do agree with an ex of mine who once said that if you have to rely on condiments to make your food taste good, you didn’t prepare it right, I am totally for sex condiments — because clean skin tastes great. With a little bit of honey or frosting, though? Even better (check out “12 ‘Sex Condiments’ That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”).
14. Turn Down Your Thermostat
In the article, “So, Guess How Long (Many) Women Want Sex To Last?”, I shared that, according to some research, it would appear that many of us want sex to be around 13.41 minutes. Whether that makes perfect sense to you, you’d prefer to add an hour of foreplay to it, or you like to go more than a couple of rounds, each and every time, it never hurts to turn that thermostat down. You know, I’ve got a friend who says that while she thoroughly enjoys sex with her husband, he literally sweats buckets which can be annoying as all get out. If you can relate, a “hack” around that is to make sure your thermostat is no higher than 65-68 degrees. At least until y’all get the job done.
15. Get Mindful
At the end of the day, being mindful is simply about being fully present (orgasmic meditation is something that can help to make this happen, by the way). You know, I recently read a study that said that when married couples remain in the moment and are intentionally non-judgmental towards their partners, it helps them to have more consistent orgasms. Present with your partner. Loving on them without judgment. I can’t think of a better way to end this pre-sex ritual tips article, can you? Yeah, me neither. Have fun! #wink
Featured image by Giphy
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images