I’d say that somewhere around 70 percent of my article pitches/ideas come out of random conversations that I have with clients or just people I encounter along the way. It happens so regularly that my friends tend to trip out on the fact that even complete strangers will tell me some of their deepest and darkest secrets.
Exhibit A: two servers I encountered recently who first started talking to me about what they loved about their partners; then the convo transitioned into one of them sharing some details about their amazing sex life and what caused their partner to earn that title. It was a truly fascinating discussion.
As I started to ask some other people about what made them want to give someone a four-star rating when it comes to coitus, I just knew that I had to share some of my findings with y’all. Because, just like the server who told me that the combination of strong sexual chemistry, great oral sex technique, and never not being in the mood to have sex is what made their best be THE BEST, the 15 people (per usual, middle names are used) you’re about to hear from had some somewhat layered reasons for how that special someone made it to the top of their “best sex list” too. Can you relate?
“Remember how you once told me that men should look for women who enjoy sex more than women who are skilled at it? That is some solid insight right there because there is nothing like someone with a high sex drive and an insatiable curiosity. This girl in college was a lot like that. It didn’t matter when or where she was down — and the more creative stuff that I could come up with, the better. I never told her this, but I was turned out alright. Even while we’re talking about this, my toes are curling. Sh-t.”
“My best experience was with a best male friend of mine. There’s something about sex with someone who really knows you — all of you. It actually was so good, physically and emotionally, that we still double back a couple of times a year…and we started having sex in college. And it only gets better every time. I don’t know if I’ll ever go cold turkey with it. It’s just that mind-blowing, and it really hasn’t changed our friendship. Maybe we’re unicorns.”
“The best experience I had was with someone no one would expect. She’s one of the most uppity women in my church and around my mom’s age. We had sex during the holiday season a couple of years ago after I spent a few weeks doing some random stuff for her around the house. That woman was nasty, and the fact that she acted so holy on Sundays made the sex even better. I would still be sleeping with her now if she hadn’t gotten remarried. I side-eye that n-gga every Sunday, I swear.”
“The best sex I’ve ever had is with my now ex-husband. I think we would’ve divorced a lot sooner if the sex hadn’t been so good. Hmph. I also don’t think we would’ve gotten married had I not been so into him sexually. Even though I basically can’t stand him now, it’s still hard to turn down that good ‘d’ that he’s got. Let me be a cautionary tale that just because a man knows how to handle your body, that doesn’t mean he knows what to do with your heart.”
“My wife made me wait until we got married — and I was pissed about that. Turns out, she’s my best, and my favorite and I’m not just saying that because we’re together. It’s like the moment we said our vows and shared our first night together as a married couple, an entirely different side of her personality came out. She’s a beast. She kind of scared me at first because I didn’t know if I would have what it took to please her, especially long-term. She told me that she had a pattern of having ‘married sex’ with men in the past. When I asked her what married sex was, she said, ‘Only husbands deserve a certain level of freak. You’ve earned it. And you’re gonna get it for the rest of your life’…and I have been. Sixteen years in now.”
“There’s this guy at my job who I can’t stand. He’s arrogant. He’s condescending. He’s fine, though, so when he asked me out last year, I agreed, thinking that it was a free meal and that maybe he was only putting on a front at work. He wasn’t, but something about his nasty-ass attitude off of the clock intrigued me. So, we went on a couple of more dates, and one night, we had sex. It was like the more he got on my nerves, the more orgasms I had. And that mouth that won’t shut TF up in the office is a walking library of dirty words in the bedroom. I still can’t stand him, and I’ll never tell him that he’s the best that I’ve ever had — but he really is. Hmph. A—hole.”
“My best was a virgin. I don’t know what to tell you other than she didn’t tell me until it was over that she even was one. I was shocked because she brought it. She said that people assume that just because virgins may not have had intercourse that it doesn’t mean they haven’t done other things or haven’t studied things about sex — that they’re not stupid. I’ve never thought that, but after her, I’m sold. Don’t underestimate ‘em. Some will teach you a thing or two. I don’t know what books she was reading but sh-t, girl.”
“I’ve got an ex who we had better sex once we broke up than when we were together. What’s wild about that is, a part of the reason why I decided to call it quits is because I felt like I was gonna cheat because the sex was only okay. He and I talked about how it ended up playing out, and he said that he thinks that the pressure of being in a relationship is what broke us. Maybe. And before you ask why I would give an ex some, we didn’t break up on bad terms. He’s still a good friend, and so I trust him to do some stuff that I wouldn’t with someone new. I can come up with all kinds of wild ideas, and I’m not embarrassed or scared. ‘Ex sex’ can be underrated, and I will forever die on that hill.”
“I once had a girlfriend who had sex themes in her apartment. Every time I would get ready to come over, she would text me to pick a room. Then she would meet me at the door with a blindfold, take me into the room, and we’d have sex. It was creative, and that was sexy as hell. But it was also like she was trying to outdo her own self every time we were together. That woman never got boring, and sex with her never got old.”
“My first still holds that position, and I had sex with him in college. He was so interested in learning about every part of my body, and the way he kissed my mouth is exactly the way he kissed me everywhere. It was like he made it his personal mission to give me more orgasms every time we were together, and he really got me to like my body. No man has topped him since. Not sure if any guy ever will.”
"I’ve only technically had one one-night stand. Why I use ‘technical’ is another conversation, but what I will say is, I don’t know her last name, and because we decided to end hours of talking with a hotel reservation, I don’t know where she lives either. It was a couple of years ago. I had a messy breakup a couple of months before meeting her, and she was newly divorced. She was basically all of the things that I wished my ex was, and she said the same thing about me. The sex was touching on all kinds of points. I don’t know if it was more about feeling truly understood about her or how it felt to have no-attachments sex, but there [were] no reservations, and we both went out of our way to please each other. We spent the night and then kind of agreed that it would be no more than that. I’ve never seen her since. Sometimes, I even wonder if it ever happened…even though I know that it did.”
“Nerdy tech guys who only seem like nice guys, get you one. Those men are nasty as hell! My first tech guy said they’re that way because they work with their fingers so much during the day that being a finger master in sex is like an occupational hazard. Girl, I don’t know what it is, but the men you would assume know what is going on are usually the disappointment, while the shorter quiet dude is who will pick you up and f-ck you against the wall as you yell out his middle name. My first tech guy is probably the best, but I’m kind of hooked on that demographic now. I’m not convinced that anyone will beat ‘em.”
“I’m with the person I’ve had the best sex with — my boyfriend. I’ve only been with two other people, but both of them seemed to be more about what they could get from me, not how I can be pleased. My boyfriend is different. Sometimes, he doesn’t even ‘finish,’ and he’s okay with that. I’m not really, but he says that sometimes he just wants me to be pleased. He’s like that outside of sex, too — just a selfless guy. I won’t lie. The fact that he likes to go down but isn’t much of a fan of receiving head is a bonus. I don’t know guys my age could be like him. I’m completely happy.”
“How a man handles me after sex is what I rate them on. I’m not talking about after he leaves the house — I’m talking about what is his round two game like, how is he when it comes to pillow talk, and does he know how to wake me up for more. Remember when Salt said in ‘Whatta Man’ that her man would knock her out with one shot? I’m not that woman. I might have been that way in my 20s, but my best sex partner came around 32, and he was a great seducer. His stamina was incredible, and he seemed to enjoy everything that led up to sex even more than sex itself. He raised the bar for me, and I haven’t settled since. If you can’t bring your ‘A’ game, leave me be to my wine and Tubi.” (Shellie here: She laughed when she said Tubi. So did I.)
“My study partner while I was in law school holds the title. I haven’t thought about all of the reasons why until now. Of course, the stress release tops them because law school will damn near kill you. But it was also how smart he was, witty he was, and supportive he was. We had a lot in common, down to enjoying the same kind [of] strains of weed, liking the same kind of rap music, and, when the topic of sex would come up, enjoying the same kind of sex positions. At first, we’d just discuss sex, but one night, when I invited him to stay at my place after a long study session, we started kissing on the couch, and things kept going from there.
"Every time, it was intense, long, and it started to become an immediate go-to after sessions. We seemed to be on the same page in a lot of ways — and that translated into our sex life. We’re still in touch now, and sometimes we’ll reminisce. A part of what made the sex so good, I’m sure, is the timing. Not sure it would be exactly the same now…but for what and when it was, I don’t have one regret.”
As I’ve taken my own stroll down this particular memory lane, it has reminded me that my “personal best” has some layers to it all too. And you know what? If you think about yours, it probably does as well.
Just one more reminder that sex isn’t as black and white, cut and dried, or one-dimensional as some folks try and make it out to be. What makes sex great and a person “the best” comes with a lot of insights and levels.
Sex — especially really good sex — always does, chile.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Russell and Nina Westbrook are one of those low-key, unproblematic couples we don’t talk about enough. They met in college and got married in 2015. They also have a beautiful family with three kids. While Russell is an NBA star, Nina is a licensed family and marriage therapist and a mental health advocate.
She recently launched the podcast The Relationship Chronicles with Nina Westbrook, and in the latest episode, she had none other than her husband on as a guest. The college sweethearts dived into important topics from marriage to children and how they navigate it all.
One of the topics they touched on was dealing with resentment in your relationship. The former MVP highlighted the sacrifices his wife has had to make in order for him to pursue a career in the NBA, and that’s why it’s also important for him to support his wife whenever he can.
“For me is respecting and understanding what your partner do and the time it takes,” Russell said. “Not kind of downplaying what they do, understanding the time and energy and effort they're doing to make sure whether it’s their job or making sure home is taken care of, and understanding that, I think that is the challenge of not being resentful.”
Nina agreed and also shared her thoughts on resentment. According to her, one of the best things couples should do is have their own identity and passions outside of the relationship in an effort to be fulfilled.
“I also think that when you’re in a relationship, that’s why it’s so important that each individual kinda pursue their own passions and follow their own dreams as I feel like it only becomes or leads to resentment when one person is not feeling fulfilled in what they're doing in their lives,” she explained.
“And so, they will start to look at the other partner who’s happy or excelling or promoting or moving along in their journey, then they’re left feeling stuck like they sacrificed themselves, their happiness, their career, their future and have not pursued it in the name of the relationship or their partner. So, it’s so much easier to avoid those feelings of resentment when you’re each equally pursuing your passions.”
The couple has many passions that they work on together and separately. Outside of basketball and his family, Russell has become known for his eclectic style and started the fashion brand Honor The Gift. Nina has her podcast, and she also started the mental health website Bene. Together, they run the Why Not? Foundation, which works with kids in underserved communities.
“I’m a firm believer that one person can’t be everything to you, so you have to sort of seek out those different friendships or groups or hobbies or activities that help to fulfill you,” Nina concluded.
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Feature image by Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images for Religion of Sports