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9 Women And 6 Men Tell Me What Qualifies As 'The Best Sex' They've Ever Had
I’d say that somewhere around 70 percent of my article pitches/ideas come out of random conversations that I have with clients or just people I encounter along the way. It happens so regularly that my friends tend to trip out on the fact that even complete strangers will tell me some of their deepest and darkest secrets.
Exhibit A: two servers I encountered recently who first started talking to me about what they loved about their partners; then the convo transitioned into one of them sharing some details about their amazing sex life and what caused their partner to earn that title. It was a truly fascinating discussion.
As I started to ask some other people about what made them want to give someone a four-star rating when it comes to coitus, I just knew that I had to share some of my findings with y’all. Because, just like the server who told me that the combination of strong sexual chemistry, great oral sex technique, and never not being in the mood to have sex is what made their best be THE BEST, the 15 people (per usual, middle names are used) you’re about to hear from had some somewhat layered reasons for how that special someone made it to the top of their “best sex list” too. Can you relate?
Anais. 31.
“Remember how you once told me that men should look for women who enjoy sex more than women who are skilled at it? That is some solid insight right there because there is nothing like someone with a high sex drive and an insatiable curiosity. This girl in college was a lot like that. It didn’t matter when or where she was down — and the more creative stuff that I could come up with, the better. I never told her this, but I was turned out alright. Even while we’re talking about this, my toes are curling. Sh-t.”
Ravyn. 29.
“My best experience was with a best male friend of mine. There’s something about sex with someone who really knows you — all of you. It actually was so good, physically and emotionally, that we still double back a couple of times a year…and we started having sex in college. And it only gets better every time. I don’t know if I’ll ever go cold turkey with it. It’s just that mind-blowing, and it really hasn’t changed our friendship. Maybe we’re unicorns.”
Xoan. 26.
“The best experience I had was with someone no one would expect. She’s one of the most uppity women in my church and around my mom’s age. We had sex during the holiday season a couple of years ago after I spent a few weeks doing some random stuff for her around the house. That woman was nasty, and the fact that she acted so holy on Sundays made the sex even better. I would still be sleeping with her now if she hadn’t gotten remarried. I side-eye that n-gga every Sunday, I swear.”
Marleigh. 40.
“The best sex I’ve ever had is with my now ex-husband. I think we would’ve divorced a lot sooner if the sex hadn’t been so good. Hmph. I also don’t think we would’ve gotten married had I not been so into him sexually. Even though I basically can’t stand him now, it’s still hard to turn down that good ‘d’ that he’s got. Let me be a cautionary tale that just because a man knows how to handle your body, that doesn’t mean he knows what to do with your heart.”
Murray. 49.
“My wife made me wait until we got married — and I was pissed about that. Turns out, she’s my best, and my favorite and I’m not just saying that because we’re together. It’s like the moment we said our vows and shared our first night together as a married couple, an entirely different side of her personality came out. She’s a beast. She kind of scared me at first because I didn’t know if I would have what it took to please her, especially long-term. She told me that she had a pattern of having ‘married sex’ with men in the past. When I asked her what married sex was, she said, ‘Only husbands deserve a certain level of freak. You’ve earned it. And you’re gonna get it for the rest of your life’…and I have been. Sixteen years in now.”
Yvonne. 37.
“There’s this guy at my job who I can’t stand. He’s arrogant. He’s condescending. He’s fine, though, so when he asked me out last year, I agreed, thinking that it was a free meal and that maybe he was only putting on a front at work. He wasn’t, but something about his nasty-ass attitude off of the clock intrigued me. So, we went on a couple of more dates, and one night, we had sex. It was like the more he got on my nerves, the more orgasms I had. And that mouth that won’t shut TF up in the office is a walking library of dirty words in the bedroom. I still can’t stand him, and I’ll never tell him that he’s the best that I’ve ever had — but he really is. Hmph. A—hole.”
Maceo. 33.
“My best was a virgin. I don’t know what to tell you other than she didn’t tell me until it was over that she even was one. I was shocked because she brought it. She said that people assume that just because virgins may not have had intercourse that it doesn’t mean they haven’t done other things or haven’t studied things about sex — that they’re not stupid. I’ve never thought that, but after her, I’m sold. Don’t underestimate ‘em. Some will teach you a thing or two. I don’t know what books she was reading but sh-t, girl.”
Cassian. 29.
“I’ve got an ex who we had better sex once we broke up than when we were together. What’s wild about that is, a part of the reason why I decided to call it quits is because I felt like I was gonna cheat because the sex was only okay. He and I talked about how it ended up playing out, and he said that he thinks that the pressure of being in a relationship is what broke us. Maybe. And before you ask why I would give an ex some, we didn’t break up on bad terms. He’s still a good friend, and so I trust him to do some stuff that I wouldn’t with someone new. I can come up with all kinds of wild ideas, and I’m not embarrassed or scared. ‘Ex sex’ can be underrated, and I will forever die on that hill.”
Enoch. 26.
“I once had a girlfriend who had sex themes in her apartment. Every time I would get ready to come over, she would text me to pick a room. Then she would meet me at the door with a blindfold, take me into the room, and we’d have sex. It was creative, and that was sexy as hell. But it was also like she was trying to outdo her own self every time we were together. That woman never got boring, and sex with her never got old.”
Seren. 35.
“My first still holds that position, and I had sex with him in college. He was so interested in learning about every part of my body, and the way he kissed my mouth is exactly the way he kissed me everywhere. It was like he made it his personal mission to give me more orgasms every time we were together, and he really got me to like my body. No man has topped him since. Not sure if any guy ever will.”
Samson. 40.
"I’ve only technically had one one-night stand. Why I use ‘technical’ is another conversation, but what I will say is, I don’t know her last name, and because we decided to end hours of talking with a hotel reservation, I don’t know where she lives either. It was a couple of years ago. I had a messy breakup a couple of months before meeting her, and she was newly divorced. She was basically all of the things that I wished my ex was, and she said the same thing about me. The sex was touching on all kinds of points. I don’t know if it was more about feeling truly understood about her or how it felt to have no-attachments sex, but there [were] no reservations, and we both went out of our way to please each other. We spent the night and then kind of agreed that it would be no more than that. I’ve never seen her since. Sometimes, I even wonder if it ever happened…even though I know that it did.”
Unique. 31.
“Nerdy tech guys who only seem like nice guys, get you one. Those men are nasty as hell! My first tech guy said they’re that way because they work with their fingers so much during the day that being a finger master in sex is like an occupational hazard. Girl, I don’t know what it is, but the men you would assume know what is going on are usually the disappointment, while the shorter quiet dude is who will pick you up and f-ck you against the wall as you yell out his middle name. My first tech guy is probably the best, but I’m kind of hooked on that demographic now. I’m not convinced that anyone will beat ‘em.”
Olivia. 25.
“I’m with the person I’ve had the best sex with — my boyfriend. I’ve only been with two other people, but both of them seemed to be more about what they could get from me, not how I can be pleased. My boyfriend is different. Sometimes, he doesn’t even ‘finish,’ and he’s okay with that. I’m not really, but he says that sometimes he just wants me to be pleased. He’s like that outside of sex, too — just a selfless guy. I won’t lie. The fact that he likes to go down but isn’t much of a fan of receiving head is a bonus. I don’t know guys my age could be like him. I’m completely happy.”
Gabriella. 42.
“How a man handles me after sex is what I rate them on. I’m not talking about after he leaves the house — I’m talking about what is his round two game like, how is he when it comes to pillow talk, and does he know how to wake me up for more. Remember when Salt said in ‘Whatta Man’ that her man would knock her out with one shot? I’m not that woman. I might have been that way in my 20s, but my best sex partner came around 32, and he was a great seducer. His stamina was incredible, and he seemed to enjoy everything that led up to sex even more than sex itself. He raised the bar for me, and I haven’t settled since. If you can’t bring your ‘A’ game, leave me be to my wine and Tubi.” (Shellie here: She laughed when she said Tubi. So did I.)
Heleena. 38.
“My study partner while I was in law school holds the title. I haven’t thought about all of the reasons why until now. Of course, the stress release tops them because law school will damn near kill you. But it was also how smart he was, witty he was, and supportive he was. We had a lot in common, down to enjoying the same kind [of] strains of weed, liking the same kind of rap music, and, when the topic of sex would come up, enjoying the same kind of sex positions. At first, we’d just discuss sex, but one night, when I invited him to stay at my place after a long study session, we started kissing on the couch, and things kept going from there.
"Every time, it was intense, long, and it started to become an immediate go-to after sessions. We seemed to be on the same page in a lot of ways — and that translated into our sex life. We’re still in touch now, and sometimes we’ll reminisce. A part of what made the sex so good, I’m sure, is the timing. Not sure it would be exactly the same now…but for what and when it was, I don’t have one regret.”
____
As I’ve taken my own stroll down this particular memory lane, it has reminded me that my “personal best” has some layers to it all too. And you know what? If you think about yours, it probably does as well.
Just one more reminder that sex isn’t as black and white, cut and dried, or one-dimensional as some folks try and make it out to be. What makes sex great and a person “the best” comes with a lot of insights and levels.
Sex — especially really good sex — always does, chile.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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