

I’d say that somewhere around 70 percent of my article pitches/ideas come out of random conversations that I have with clients or just people I encounter along the way. It happens so regularly that my friends tend to trip out on the fact that even complete strangers will tell me some of their deepest and darkest secrets.
Exhibit A: two servers I encountered recently who first started talking to me about what they loved about their partners; then the convo transitioned into one of them sharing some details about their amazing sex life and what caused their partner to earn that title. It was a truly fascinating discussion.
As I started to ask some other people about what made them want to give someone a four-star rating when it comes to coitus, I just knew that I had to share some of my findings with y’all. Because, just like the server who told me that the combination of strong sexual chemistry, great oral sex technique, and never not being in the mood to have sex is what made their best be THE BEST, the 15 people (per usual, middle names are used) you’re about to hear from had some somewhat layered reasons for how that special someone made it to the top of their “best sex list” too. Can you relate?
Anais. 31.
“Remember how you once told me that men should look for women who enjoy sex more than women who are skilled at it? That is some solid insight right there because there is nothing like someone with a high sex drive and an insatiable curiosity. This girl in college was a lot like that. It didn’t matter when or where she was down — and the more creative stuff that I could come up with, the better. I never told her this, but I was turned out alright. Even while we’re talking about this, my toes are curling. Sh-t.”
Ravyn. 29.
“My best experience was with a best male friend of mine. There’s something about sex with someone who really knows you — all of you. It actually was so good, physically and emotionally, that we still double back a couple of times a year…and we started having sex in college. And it only gets better every time. I don’t know if I’ll ever go cold turkey with it. It’s just that mind-blowing, and it really hasn’t changed our friendship. Maybe we’re unicorns.”
Xoan. 26.
“The best experience I had was with someone no one would expect. She’s one of the most uppity women in my church and around my mom’s age. We had sex during the holiday season a couple of years ago after I spent a few weeks doing some random stuff for her around the house. That woman was nasty, and the fact that she acted so holy on Sundays made the sex even better. I would still be sleeping with her now if she hadn’t gotten remarried. I side-eye that n-gga every Sunday, I swear.”
Marleigh. 40.
“The best sex I’ve ever had is with my now ex-husband. I think we would’ve divorced a lot sooner if the sex hadn’t been so good. Hmph. I also don’t think we would’ve gotten married had I not been so into him sexually. Even though I basically can’t stand him now, it’s still hard to turn down that good ‘d’ that he’s got. Let me be a cautionary tale that just because a man knows how to handle your body, that doesn’t mean he knows what to do with your heart.”
Murray. 49.
“My wife made me wait until we got married — and I was pissed about that. Turns out, she’s my best, and my favorite and I’m not just saying that because we’re together. It’s like the moment we said our vows and shared our first night together as a married couple, an entirely different side of her personality came out. She’s a beast. She kind of scared me at first because I didn’t know if I would have what it took to please her, especially long-term. She told me that she had a pattern of having ‘married sex’ with men in the past. When I asked her what married sex was, she said, ‘Only husbands deserve a certain level of freak. You’ve earned it. And you’re gonna get it for the rest of your life’…and I have been. Sixteen years in now.”
Yvonne. 37.
“There’s this guy at my job who I can’t stand. He’s arrogant. He’s condescending. He’s fine, though, so when he asked me out last year, I agreed, thinking that it was a free meal and that maybe he was only putting on a front at work. He wasn’t, but something about his nasty-ass attitude off of the clock intrigued me. So, we went on a couple of more dates, and one night, we had sex. It was like the more he got on my nerves, the more orgasms I had. And that mouth that won’t shut TF up in the office is a walking library of dirty words in the bedroom. I still can’t stand him, and I’ll never tell him that he’s the best that I’ve ever had — but he really is. Hmph. A—hole.”
Maceo. 33.
“My best was a virgin. I don’t know what to tell you other than she didn’t tell me until it was over that she even was one. I was shocked because she brought it. She said that people assume that just because virgins may not have had intercourse that it doesn’t mean they haven’t done other things or haven’t studied things about sex — that they’re not stupid. I’ve never thought that, but after her, I’m sold. Don’t underestimate ‘em. Some will teach you a thing or two. I don’t know what books she was reading but sh-t, girl.”
Cassian. 29.
“I’ve got an ex who we had better sex once we broke up than when we were together. What’s wild about that is, a part of the reason why I decided to call it quits is because I felt like I was gonna cheat because the sex was only okay. He and I talked about how it ended up playing out, and he said that he thinks that the pressure of being in a relationship is what broke us. Maybe. And before you ask why I would give an ex some, we didn’t break up on bad terms. He’s still a good friend, and so I trust him to do some stuff that I wouldn’t with someone new. I can come up with all kinds of wild ideas, and I’m not embarrassed or scared. ‘Ex sex’ can be underrated, and I will forever die on that hill.”
Enoch. 26.
“I once had a girlfriend who had sex themes in her apartment. Every time I would get ready to come over, she would text me to pick a room. Then she would meet me at the door with a blindfold, take me into the room, and we’d have sex. It was creative, and that was sexy as hell. But it was also like she was trying to outdo her own self every time we were together. That woman never got boring, and sex with her never got old.”
Seren. 35.
“My first still holds that position, and I had sex with him in college. He was so interested in learning about every part of my body, and the way he kissed my mouth is exactly the way he kissed me everywhere. It was like he made it his personal mission to give me more orgasms every time we were together, and he really got me to like my body. No man has topped him since. Not sure if any guy ever will.”
Samson. 40.
"I’ve only technically had one one-night stand. Why I use ‘technical’ is another conversation, but what I will say is, I don’t know her last name, and because we decided to end hours of talking with a hotel reservation, I don’t know where she lives either. It was a couple of years ago. I had a messy breakup a couple of months before meeting her, and she was newly divorced. She was basically all of the things that I wished my ex was, and she said the same thing about me. The sex was touching on all kinds of points. I don’t know if it was more about feeling truly understood about her or how it felt to have no-attachments sex, but there [were] no reservations, and we both went out of our way to please each other. We spent the night and then kind of agreed that it would be no more than that. I’ve never seen her since. Sometimes, I even wonder if it ever happened…even though I know that it did.”
Unique. 31.
“Nerdy tech guys who only seem like nice guys, get you one. Those men are nasty as hell! My first tech guy said they’re that way because they work with their fingers so much during the day that being a finger master in sex is like an occupational hazard. Girl, I don’t know what it is, but the men you would assume know what is going on are usually the disappointment, while the shorter quiet dude is who will pick you up and f-ck you against the wall as you yell out his middle name. My first tech guy is probably the best, but I’m kind of hooked on that demographic now. I’m not convinced that anyone will beat ‘em.”
Olivia. 25.
“I’m with the person I’ve had the best sex with — my boyfriend. I’ve only been with two other people, but both of them seemed to be more about what they could get from me, not how I can be pleased. My boyfriend is different. Sometimes, he doesn’t even ‘finish,’ and he’s okay with that. I’m not really, but he says that sometimes he just wants me to be pleased. He’s like that outside of sex, too — just a selfless guy. I won’t lie. The fact that he likes to go down but isn’t much of a fan of receiving head is a bonus. I don’t know guys my age could be like him. I’m completely happy.”
Gabriella. 42.
“How a man handles me after sex is what I rate them on. I’m not talking about after he leaves the house — I’m talking about what is his round two game like, how is he when it comes to pillow talk, and does he know how to wake me up for more. Remember when Salt said in ‘Whatta Man’ that her man would knock her out with one shot? I’m not that woman. I might have been that way in my 20s, but my best sex partner came around 32, and he was a great seducer. His stamina was incredible, and he seemed to enjoy everything that led up to sex even more than sex itself. He raised the bar for me, and I haven’t settled since. If you can’t bring your ‘A’ game, leave me be to my wine and Tubi.” (Shellie here: She laughed when she said Tubi. So did I.)
Heleena. 38.
“My study partner while I was in law school holds the title. I haven’t thought about all of the reasons why until now. Of course, the stress release tops them because law school will damn near kill you. But it was also how smart he was, witty he was, and supportive he was. We had a lot in common, down to enjoying the same kind [of] strains of weed, liking the same kind of rap music, and, when the topic of sex would come up, enjoying the same kind of sex positions. At first, we’d just discuss sex, but one night, when I invited him to stay at my place after a long study session, we started kissing on the couch, and things kept going from there.
"Every time, it was intense, long, and it started to become an immediate go-to after sessions. We seemed to be on the same page in a lot of ways — and that translated into our sex life. We’re still in touch now, and sometimes we’ll reminisce. A part of what made the sex so good, I’m sure, is the timing. Not sure it would be exactly the same now…but for what and when it was, I don’t have one regret.”
____
As I’ve taken my own stroll down this particular memory lane, it has reminded me that my “personal best” has some layers to it all too. And you know what? If you think about yours, it probably does as well.
Just one more reminder that sex isn’t as black and white, cut and dried, or one-dimensional as some folks try and make it out to be. What makes sex great and a person “the best” comes with a lot of insights and levels.
Sex — especially really good sex — always does, chile.
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'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
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Quinta Brunson Gets Real About Divorce, Boundaries & Becoming
Quinta Brunson is the woman who chooses herself, even when the world is watching. And in her June 30 cover story for Bustle, she gives us a rare glimpse into the soft, centered place she's navigating her life from now. From leading one of television's most beloved series in the last decade to quietly moving through life shifts, the creator of Abbott Elementary is walking through a personal evolution and doing so with intention, grace, and a firm grip on her boundaries.
Back in March, the 35-year-old filed for divorce from Kevin Jay Anik after nearly three years of marriage, citing "irreconcilable differences." The news hit the headlines of news outlets fast, but Quinta hadn't planned to announce their dissolution to the public so quickly.
Quinta Brunson On Divorce, Public Scrutiny & Sacred Boundaries
"I remember seeing people be like, ‘She announced her divorce,’" she told Bustle. “I didn’t announce anything. I think people have this idea that people in the public eye want the public to know their every move. None of us do. I promise you. No one wants [everyone] to know when you buy a house, when you move, when a major change happens in your personal life. It’s just that that’s public record information."
In regards to her private moves becoming tabloid fodder, Quinta continued, "I hated that. I hate all of it."
"I Am An Artist First": Quinta On Cutting Her Hair & Reclaiming Herself
Still, the diminutive phenom holds her crown high in the face of change and is returning to the essence of who she is, especially as an artist. "Cutting my hair reminded me that I am an artist first. I want to feel things. I want to make choices. I want to be a person, and not just stuck in having to be a certain way for business." It's giving sacred rebirth. It's giving self-liberation. It's especially giving main character energy.
And while the headlines keep spinning their narratives, the one that Quinta is focused on is her own. For her, slowing down and nourishing herself in ways that feed her is what matters. "It’s a transitional time. I think it’s true for me and my personal life, and it’s how I feel about myself, my career, and the world," Quinta shared with Bustle. “I feel very serious about focusing on watering my own gardens, taking care of myself and the people around me who I actually interact with day-to-day."
That includes indulging in simple rituals that ground her like "making myself a meal" which has become "really, really important to me."
That spirit of agency doesn't stop at the personal. In her professional world, as the creator, executive producer, and lead actress of the critically-acclaimed Abbott Elementary, Quinta understands the weight her choices carry, both on- and off-screen. She revealed to Bustle, "People used to tell me at the beginning of this that the No. 1 on the call sheet sets the tone, and the producer sets the tone — and I’m both of those roles."
She continued, "I understand now, after doing this for four years, how important it was that I set the tone that I did when we first started."
Quinta doesn't just lead, she understands the importance of curating the energy of any space she enters. Even amid a season of shifts and shedding, her power speaks loudly. Sometimes that power looks like quiet resistance. Sometimes that power is soft leadership.
And sometimes that power looks like cutting your hair and taking back your name in rooms that have forgotten you were an artist long before you were a brand.
Read Quinta's cover story on Bustle here to witness the fullness of Quinta's becoming.
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