Married Couples, You Can Revive Your Sex Life With The Help Of 'Sex Vows'
Whenever I get ready to take on a new couple as clients, I make sure that the introductory “test the waters first” session consists of speaking to each of them individually; that way, I can get the unedited version of what’s really going on without them worrying about what their partner thinks about, well, their thoughts. And I kid you not, 7.5 times out of 10, sex always comes up as a more-than-minor issue. Someone isn’t getting enough. Someone’s desires have shifted. Someone hasn’t been honest about their needs and feelings for years. Someone is unfulfilled. Someone doesn’t want to, umm, engage as much anymore…if at all.
And while, to a certain extent, certain sexual issues are normal, after close to 20 years of being in this marriage life coaching thing, if there’s one thing that I wholeheartedly believe, it’s that a lot of husbands and wives struggle when it comes to sex in their marriage due to the fact that they were ill-prepared for the responsibility that comes with being sexually active in such a long-term dynamic. It ain’t casual. It ain’t shallow. And it ain’t for the selfish, entitled, or relationally inconsistent. Sex in marriage is some really serious stuff — straight up.
So much in fact that let me tell it, whoever came up with the original traditional wedding vows did everyone a grave disservice by not mentioning sex once beyond the “be faithful only unto him/her” part — which really deals more with infidelity than coitus. And as a direct result, couples didn’t really vow anything about sex — an act that is literally designed to set marriage apart from all other relationships. And you know what? They should’ve.
I can’t do anything about the past and what other folks are on. All I can do is contribute where I can now in order to help people where they currently are. And that’s why I’m all for encouraging couples to exchange what I call sex vows. Like any other type of marital pledge, these aren’t set in stone and can certainly be “adjusted” to your own liking. However, my main objective is to show you why creating vows when it comes to addressing sexual intimacy can be highly beneficial, not just when it comes to your sex life but your relationship with your spouse overall.
“I will prioritize your needs.”
GiphyBack when I was writing my first book, my editors tried to “sell me” on naming it Single Sex. There are a few reasons why, yet the one that specifically applies to this article is my editors and I all agreed that, when you’re a single person, sex can be extremely selfish and self-centered. It’s all about having it when you feel like it and seeking out someone who meets your needs more than anything else.
When you’re married, that drastically changes — or at least, it should. Even the Bible says that you then are to share your body with your spouse, that neither should not deprive the other of sexual intimacy and that you each should give each other the affection that is needed (I Corinthians 7:1-5). And yes, sex is a need — it’s an essential necessity in a marriage. Otherwise, why not just stay friends? Or why pledge fidelity on your wedding day?
And if we’re going to get out of the “kiddie pool” about sex, even when you stop to think about the fact that oftentimes (not all of the time, mind you), men have the higher libido, if you’re someone who believes that husbands are to be the main provider and protector in a marital dynamic — check out the many ways that sperm benefits you, as a woman, when you get a chance via “Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm.” One could say that a part of a man’s need for sex (the late and great Dr. Myles Munroe used to speak on it often) is the desire to give you so much of the scientifically-proven goodness that comes from having it (hmm…).
Again, single sex can have you out here seeing sex as only a want when that simply isn’t the case. Not only that, but sexless marriages, overall, are not healthy ones. A big part of the reason why is that when you pull that type of intimacy out of a marital dynamic, it reveals all kinds of other issues and problems within the relationship. And so, one way to not be a statistic in this way is to prioritize your partner’s sexual needs as they do the same thing for you — the amount, the kind, and the reasons why both are so important to them. Because yes, in marriage, sex is a legitimate and relevant need.
“I will not treat sex as only a physical release.”
GiphyWhenever I listen to our culture talk about sex, pardon the pun but, for the most part, it’s a turn-off instead of a turn-on. Sorry, but the way a lot of people broach the subject sounds like just a step up from dogs being in heat — and sex is designed to be so much more than that. Bringing Scripture back into the mix, another thing that the Good Book says is that “Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact.” (I Corinthians 6:16—Message).
The spirit speaks to a part of you that is connected to something that is far greater than yourself. Synonyms for spiritual include words like divine, sacred, and pure. Ah, so that brings in yet one more Bible verse on marriage — Hebrews 13:4 tells us that the marriage bed is undefiled, which basically means that it is pure.
And since the Word says that sex between a husband and his wife brings forth unexplained or unknown revelations (which is basically what a mystery is) — can you see how marital coitus is about so much more than just “getting off” or “getting some?" When you come together with the person who you vowed to love for the rest of your life, there are some divine, sacred, and pure insights that can come through that act that you might not receive any other way.
Hmph. No wonder the Bible also says that sex should only pause if mutual prayer and fasting are going on — God wants you to enjoy discovering certain insights, together in one of the most pleasurable ways possible. I can totally dig it.
“I will periodically ‘check in’ to see if your desires have changed.”
GiphyI am indeed a quotes girl, so they are something that I use, on repeat, especially in sessions with couples. One of my favorites is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” Sho ‘nuf, one of the hardest things about being married is trying to share your life with someone while you may be evolving in one way and they are in another. It requires a type of patience, maturity, and finesse that many prefer to avoid, so, unfortunately, they choose to leave their union instead of sticking it out…to figure it out.
And you know what? Just like you and your partner can (and will) change when it comes to certain perspectives, interests, and needs, that doesn’t happen in every area of your life but the bedroom. Indeed, the kind of sexual needs that the both of you had 20 years ago may have shifted drastically over time. And if that is indeed the case, the two of you need to discuss what has changed and what is desired in this season and stage of your sexual being. Never assume that things are all good. Never take on the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality. Assuming is rarely a beneficial act.
So, how often should you and your husband “take each other’s temperature” in this way? My two cents would be no less than twice a year. Sometimes what I recommend is scheduling an annual sexcation where two people can openly talk about all of their thoughts surrounding their sex life — since the vacation is sex-themed and sex-focused anyway.
Listen, I’ve had more than a few people tell me that they have ended up resenting their spouse, and it was all because they started to see sex differently than they once did. It’s not your spouse’s job to read your mind, nor is it your job to try and figure out what is transpiring in theirs. If you want the doors of sexual communication to remain open, vow to be proactive with each other about if the two of you are on the same page when it comes to the bedroom — or…not.
“I will encourage us both to remain mutually physically appealing.”
GiphyAnyone who tries to tell someone else that physical attraction isn’t — or even shouldn’t be — a big deal in a long-term relationship they are gaslighting. It is extremely essential. And that’s why I wholeheartedly believe that many spouses gaslight each other when they went into their relationship looking one way, over the years, they started to care less and less, and then they try to make their partner feel bad for not being as physically attracted to them as they once were.
Please hear me very clearly, when I say that someone can still love you and not find you as physically appealing as they once did. I’m working with a couple right now where the wife is dissatisfied with her husband’s weight gain, and the husband is fit-to-be-tied by how his wife looks when she gets ready for bed. And both issues have caused their sex life to tank.
This point makes me think of one of my favorite quotes from the movie The Fault in Our Stars. It’s when one of the characters said, “Oftentimes, people don’t understand the promises they make when they make them.” Say a word, SAY — A — WORD. And when someone promises to not have sex with anyone but you for the rest of their life, it’s not ridiculous to be intentional about remaining appealing so that they’ll want to. In fact, it’s wise that you do.
Not too long ago, during an interview, I was asked what I think is a rising cause of divorce these days. For years, I would say “boredom” and I continue to believe that to be the case. Oh, but one that truly is on the rise is LAZINESS. To be lazy is to be averse to activity and idle. Some synonyms for lazy include apathetic, careless, inattentive, indifferent, and passive — and many couples get this way, yes, sexually — and it’s not good for their marriage.
Just think about it: when you were dating or even when you first started having sex with your man, how much thought did you put into your appearance? Just because you’ve been together for a while, that is no excuse to stop being just as intentional as you used to be. In fact, since he signed up to not be with anyone else but you…that is all the more reason to care more than you ever have before — as he does the exact same thing for you, chile. No wiggle room on this logic either.
“I will be intentional about not getting stuck in sexual ruts.”
GiphyI truly can’t believe that it’s been three years since I wrote the piece, “7 Signs You're In A ‘Sex Rut’ & How To Get Out Of It” for the platform. And while there will be times when schedules aren’t in sync, life’s demands will cause your sex routine to shift, and you may go through some health issues or physical challenges that could affect frequency or intensity, none of those factors actually qualify as being a “sexual rut.” By definition, a rut is about settling into a situation or state of mind where things are so blah and boring that you end up losing interest — and when it comes to sex, it can happen a lot easier than you might think.
I can’t tell you how many couples — both husbands and wives — have told me that they cheated on their spouse, and a “rut” had a lot to do with it. Because what are you supposed to do when your partner shows zero interest in sex while your needs are totally off the charts? Indeed, some things aren’t justifiable, yet they are indeed explainable — and it’s pretty ridiculous to think that your partner should be fine with a sexless marriage just because, for whatever the reason, you seem to be.
Nothing worth having comes without some level of intentionality and effort. Sex bucket lists. Sexcations. Making sex more romantic. Doing things that will prevent you from falling into a sexual rut is another vow that can help to protect your marriage in ways that are truly underestimated by most.
“I will remember that intimacy is a part of our sexual experience.”
GiphyOne more Bible point because it’s relevant to this one. I always liked the fact that when it comes to the King James Version, when it speaks of husbands having sex with their wives, the word “know” is oftentimes used to define sex. For instance, Genesis 4:1(KJV) says, “And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord.”
Knowing speaks to a level of intimacy that goes beyond an exchange of body parts. By definition of know, when you know someone, you clearly understand them, you have a vast amount of knowledge about them, you are aware of some very unique and private things about them — and to get to that kind of place and position, you have to be proactive about learning about your spouse on a daily basis.
This requires quality time. This requires speaking their love language(s) fluently. This requires dating them more than once every couple of months. This requires asking questions and not thinking that you have the answers all of the time. This requires prioritizing them. This requires ever remaining in a state of humility by admitting, both to yourself and to them, that there will always be more about them that you need to get to…know.
Couples who remain curious about their partner oftentimes have a healthier level of intimacy with them because they are constantly looking for ways to go deeper in their connection. And when that happens, that can make their partner feel cherished, loved, and desired — and that definitely can lead to a more satisfying and fulfilling sex life. Indeed, great sex has a lot of intimacy in it — and intimacy is all about what you really and truly know.
“I will want you to feel wanted — always.”
GiphyThis last one might be phrased a bit odd, yet it’s by design. Live on this earth long enough, and you’ll realize that it’s no one’s job to MAKE someone feel or be ANYTHING. This includes making them happy because, listen, if you haven’t mastered how to make your own self happy 24 hours a day, why should you put that kind of pressure (which is really more like a burden) onto anyone else?
Along these same lines, you can’t MAKE someone feel WANTED, either. In fact, oftentimes, the people who think this way have such a low sense of self-worth that they think it’s another person’s responsibility to overcompensate for that fact. Not only is that unrealistic and totally draining, but it’s also extremely unfair. So no, it’s not your job to make your partner feel wanted. If they know that they are something special within themselves, they won’t need you to do so anyway. At the same time, however, if your mission is to make sure that you cosign on how good they feel about themselves, that is a healthy frame of mind to be in.
Compliment them. Flirt with them. INITIATE SEX WITH THEM. No one on the planet believes that their partner wants them if they are the one who has to initiate intimacy all of the time (you have no idea how many men tell me that this is one of the greatest issues in their relationship). Wanting your partner to feel wanted means that you are in the head and heart space of affirming them and celebrating them — that you enjoy expressing that you enjoy them on a myriad of different levels.
And someone who feels like their partner enjoys being with them typically will reciprocate that kind of energy…and what better place for two married people to do that than in their bedroom?
____
Remember, a vow is more than just “saying something”. A vow is a promise, pledge, and personal commitment. A vow is rooted in maturity and integrity. A vow is sacred and special. And when you chose the partner that you did, vows were put into place to help the two of you go the distance. That’s why it makes all of the sense in the world to express some SEX VOWS to one another.
For the sake of the longevity of your relationship, sis, please make sure that you do.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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