

Whew. The more that I read, write, and talk about sex, the more I realize that there will never be a time when I’ll learn all that there is to know. And honestly, that’s kind of what I like so much about it — sex has got layers and layers and even more layers to it. So, let’s use that to our advantage in 2022 by making this the year that we’re absolutely determined to have some of the best sex EVER, starting with implementing some monthly themes; ones that can help us to experience more when it comes to how we see ourselves, how to please our partner and how to enjoy sex on a whole ‘nother level!
JANUARY: Purging
Let me tell it, one of the main reasons why a lot of New Year’s Resolutions don’t work is because people try and implement new habits before purging out some of the old mindsets that caused the bad/unhealthy/counterproductive patterns in the first place. Sex fits into this point. Whether it’s poor sexual communication, faking orgasms, fantasizing about past sexual partners (while you’re engaging with your current sexual partner), getting horrible sex-related advice from other people, being too hard on yourself when it comes to your body image, or lack of sexual confidence (check out “10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem”) — whatever the case may be, use the first month of this year to really purge (to rid, clear or free) whatever you think is hindering you from having the best sex life possible.
If you need a little help with narrowing down what those things may be, “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)” and “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey” may be able to help you out.
FEBRUARY: Stamina
Here’s what’s a trip about this point. Whenever I’m in my sessions with couples, it’s not just the wives who talk about wishing that their husbands lasted longer. Once husbands get their second wind (with round two), a lot of them say that their wives become worn out quicker than they would like to as well. It’s actually pretty Google-able that men only need around five minutes to climax while we sit somewhere at around 20 (including foreplay). Yet who said that sex — especially when it’s really good sex — shouldn’t go for longer than even that? This is where stamina comes into play. Not just physical stamina (check out “We’ve Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity”) but mental stamina too (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation?”).
By honing in on ways to make sex last longer, it can help you and your partner to learn more about each other’s sexual needs and how to make sex about more than just “reaching the mountaintop” at the end. This includes all kinds of sex, by the way; not just intercourse (check out “12 Things You Should Do During Oral Sex (That You Probably Aren't),” “Want To Have Hotter Oral Sex? STOP Doing These 8 Things.,” “Are You Ready To Amp Up Your Oral Sex Game? Try This.,” “If Your Man Sucks At Oral Sex, This Is Probably Why,” “How To Make Him Better At Oral (Without Putting Him On The Spot)” and “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”).
MARCH: Daily Sex
So, here’s a question. When’s the last time you had sex, every single day, for a month straight? Whenever I’m dealing with a sexless couple (who is physically capable), this is oftentimes what I will recommend. The reason why is because, while there are dozens of reasons for why people in long-term relationships allow sex to become less of a priority, one of the main ones is they have simply stopped being intentional about it. It’s hard to get into the habit of treating something like it’s absolutely essential if it’s a part of your daily routine, so why not use the first month of spring to either get your sex life back on track or to find new ways to get closer to your partner by committing to some sort of sexual activity, every single day of March (and yes, I know that it’s 31 days)?
If you need a little help figuring all of this out, “Having Sex Every Day. For A Month. Straight. Can Transform Your Marriage.,” “10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex,” “How To Make Sex Easier (& More Fun) When You've Got Kids,” “Why Couples Should Engage In 'Midnight Sex' More Often,” “Here’s How To Make Morning Sex...Sexier,” and “The Truth About Period Sex” can offer up a few insights.
APRIL: Nostalgia
When it comes to the definitions of nostalgia, one that I personally like a lot is “a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life.” That said, isn’t it interesting that when we talk about taking walks down memory lane on the romance tip, recreating first dates immediately comes to mind but not really recreating first sexual experiences? When it comes to the first time you had with your partner, what are your favorite memories about it? When it comes to the best sex you’ve ever had with your partner, what qualifies it to have that title?
Setting the stage for some of your moment cherished and treasured times, sending each other random texts and emails to talk about it, returning to the “scene of the crime” by booking the exact same reservation in a hotel room that brings a big smile to your face — make that the theme for April. It will help to cultivate warmth and familiarity that can set the stage for May.
MAY: Experimentation
Aside from the fact that experimentation can help to keep boredom from settling into your sexual relationship, there are other benefits that come with trying things that you’ve never done before, entertaining ideas that you’re super curious about, and/or doing certain things that you haven’t experienced with your current partner as of yet. Sexual experimentation strengthens communication. Sexual experimentation helps you to learn more about your (and his) erogenous zones (check out “So, What If ‘Typical Erogenous Zones’ Annoy TF Outta You?”). Sexual experimentation can tear down walls of fear or intimidation that you may have about certain acts or activities. Sexual experimentation can intensify your orgasms. Sexual experimentation can introduce you to a side of yourself you may not have known existed — because you never really experimented before.
One of the best ways to get this month going is to either create or share your sexual bucket list with your partner. And because this month is all about experimentation, try doing the things (on his list as well as yours) that challenge you the most…first. You know, one of the best things about experimenting, sexually, is it’s all about trust — and the more you trust your partner, in every facet of your relationship, the better your relationship will become over time.
JUNE: Nudity
There is something special about people who don’t mind having sex in the daytime or with the lights on. Whether they realize it or not, it conveys a level of self-confidence that only makes sexual interaction that much better…and hotter. Besides, it’s absolutely no secret that most men are stimulated visually, and trust me, it’s also the case that we tend to be WAY HARDER on our bodies than they are about them (men tell me this all of the time). So, meet up for midday sex and refuse to close your blackout curtains. Cook dinner sometimes with nothing or only panties on. If you’re not sleeping naked already, what the heck is holding you up?
If it’s been a minute since you’ve TOTALLY DISROBED (because I know people who like to keep something on during sex, every single time) or even took off your wig or weave (I also know men who have NEVER seen their partner’s natural hair) — it’s June which is the first month of summer. It’s hot, so why not use this as an opportunity to wear as little as possible, for as long as possible. Your partner won’t complain one bit. I can promise you that.
JULY: Orgasms. Lots and Lots of Orgasms.
Since I’ve been writing for this platform, there really is no telling how many articles I’ve written on orgasms. The reason why I’m so passionate about making sure that we tackle this particular topic, just as thoroughly as possible, is because if there is one thing that all women deserve to have, as much as absolutely possible, it’s orgasms. Not because sex can’t be good without them but because if you’ve ever had one before, you know the kind of true fulfillment an orgasm can bring. So yeah, in the month when fireworks are going off more than any other time of the year, strive to have as many orgasms as possible. Can’t think of a more satisfying way to live life. Can you?
AUGUST: Dirty Talk
Personally, my top love language is words of affirmation, so it doesn’t shock me in the least that I am a HUGE fan of dirty talk. I mean, HUGE. If you want a scientific reason for why a lot of us are turned on by “dirty” words, it’s because hearing them stimulates the part of our brain that brings us to physical sexual arousal; this makes complete and total sense when you consider the fact that the biggest sex organ that all of us have is our brain. That said, just like there are some people who hate kissing (what in the world?), I know some who aren’t turned on by, as Kelly Rowland once put it, verbal “Motivation” either (again, what in the world?).
Still, if you’re someone who doesn’t participate in dirty talk because you are self-conscious or scared of “not doing it right,” this month has your name written all over it. Start off my reading erotica with your partner (take turns with chapters). Verbally describe what you like doing to him and what you like him to do to you. Talk about the last sexual memory you have that drove you up the wall in the best way possible. Think about the words that you like to hear most when you’re aroused and ask him to whisper them during copulation. Amp up your sexting game (check out “Let's Talk About Sext: 30 Sexts You Can Send To Bae Right Now”).
If you’ve never really done much dirty talking before, I get how the thought of it could make you a little shy. Look at it this way, though — if you’re comfortable with letting someone literally enter you, stepping out of your comfort zone to verbally “go there” shouldn’t seem quite as frightening or frustrating. I don’t know one man who hates some nasty dialogue. And personally, I can’t think of one way that dirty talking would make sex worse instead of better.
SEPTEMBER: Mindfulness
When you get a chance, check out “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?.” Something that I have always been a fan of is mindfulness because it’s all about 1) staying in the moment; 2) being self-aware; 3) getting still; 4) remaining focused; 5) becoming curious; 6) being attentive and 7) getting out of your head and enjoying things as they come — and how can any of this not be the recipe for great sex? So y’all, September is pretty simple. Get together with your partner to discuss things that you both can do, sexually, that check off the boxes of what it means to be mindful.
Take all of the clocks out of your bedroom. Talk about what your deepest sexual desires and urges are. Do some deep breathing and mutual massaging. Be intentional about not allowing anyone or anything to distract you while you’re cultivating intimacy with your partner. Explore each other. Ask non-triggering sex-related questions that you’ve always been wanting the answers to. Pay attention to your partner’s responses and reactions to different things that you do. Don’t overthink your actions or techniques — just have fun. Sexual mindfulness is pretty underrated but it shouldn’t be. Use this entire month to make it something that you become a lasting fan of.
OCTOBER: Fulfilled Fantasies
An aphorist by the name of Mason Cooley once said, “Fantasy mirrors desire. Imagination reshapes it.” I think all of this is a great way to set the stage for October’s sexual theme because I personally believe that having fantasies and wanting to fulfill them with your partner is an essential part of having a satisfying sex life because it does just what the quote says — taps into desires and builds on imagination. I can assure you that both you and your partner have some fantasies that have gone unfulfilled; it’s just that rarely do these things come up unless one is prompted to discuss them.
So, whether it’s playing dress-up, having sex in a “taboo” location, experimenting with certain toys, taping a session (check out “Before You Make A DIY Sex Tape, Read This.”), engaging in some prostate milking (check out “What In The World Is 'Prostate Milking'? And Chile, How Do You Do It?”), becoming a squirting expert (check out “Is Squirting Really Worth The Hype?”) — whatever is running around in that brain of yours — so long as it won’t damage the integrity of your relationship and you both are down to try it — use this month to make it happen. Fulfilled fantasies are always fun!
NOVEMBER: Emotional Intimacy
Last fall, I wrote an article for the site entitled, “6 Genuine Signs You're Making An Emotional Connection With Your Sex Partner.” One of the points that I made in it is, I don’t care if it’s a man or a woman or what the age of the individual might be, I don’t personally know anyone who doesn’t think that sex is better when there is some sort of emotional connection that’s established. So, if it seems like there is a bit of a “disconnect” between you and yours, set aside some time to get back on the same page. Go on some dates. Share some recent aspirations and goals. Affirm one another. Talk about your current feelings and be a good sounding board for him to do the same.
Do gestures that express appreciation. Toast each other with glasses of wine or apple cider. Turn off all of your gadgets (at least a few times a week) so that you can engage in some pillow talk. Admit when you’re wrong (without justifying or deflecting) and apologize. Forgive him when he does the same. Come up with a list of things neither one of you has ever done before (outside of sex) and do them together. Emotional intimacy cultivates safety and sex is oh so good when you feel safe with the one you’re having it with.
DECEMBER: Topping Yourself
After 11 months of themes and exercises, it’s my hope that your sex life has only gotten better. Prove that to one another by using all of December to create the environment to have some of the best sex either of you has ever had — not just with one another but in your entire lives! In fact, if you can, try and plan some sort of sexcation. It’s January now, so you’ve got plenty of time to save some coins and book a reservation. I’m telling you — when it’s purposed in your mind to make each experience better than the one before, there’s no way that sex can’t become more pleasurable, more exciting, and more gratifying than ever!
Oh, and if you’re like me and you try to support Black-owned businesses as much as possible, Condé Nast published an article last spring entitled, “Black-Owned Hotels Throughout the World” that I’m thinking could definitely be the icing on the cake of your sexcation, chile. ENJOY!
Featured image by Giphy
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Ladies, have you ever noticed that anytime we break up with an ex, we cleanse our spaces and bodies – mentally and physically?
First, we remove the things that remind us of them because there is no need to cling to a toxic or unnecessary past. I’m not sure about you, but something about getting rid of clutter that weighed me down is so refreshing; I rebuke all negative energy in my personal space. Next, we cleanse ourselves by taking a natural, detoxifying bath or journal to release those emotions safely and effectively. However, what do you do when it comes to spiritually detoxing yourself? Can you recognize when it is time for something like that?
Detoxes concentrate on drawing out bad toxins and energies and realigning us with our purpose. Usually, when my energy is low, or I experience constant uneasiness, I know I need to take steps to detox spiritually. Luckily, I remembered a Reiki healer who worked with a close friend years ago; therefore, I started there.
I checked in with Reiki Practitioner Tamara Angela (@loveandfaerymagic) for her top ten recommendations on how to spiritually detox. I appreciate Tamara’s advice because she uses Reiki as “maintenance, not crisis [management],” thus, helping me realize I can prevent “spiritual clutter” from progressing.
Reiki practitioner Tamara Angela
Photo courtesy of Tamara Angela
According to Tamara, "Reiki is a Japanese healing art. It [Reiki] comes with the understanding that we are all energy. And the way I describe it is Reiki covers you like your grandma’s prayer.” And we all know how vital our grandmother’s (or elders’) prayers are, especially growing up.
Ways To Spiritually Detox
Tamara explained that her nine steps all work together and detoxify your spirit and help you maintain the work you put into cleansing your spirit. We apply many of these steps to our daily routine, not realizing how crucial they are for our spiritual health. Each step ties into the other, and all are necessary.
When you do a spiritual detox it's important to remember, it’s a lifestyle. Start slowly to create the level of peace you want and build the stability you need. Tamara shares, “You can do all nine steps and still experience chaos. That is why it is important to have a baseline, a level of peace,” Tamara says. “You have to create a baseline of stability that you can revert back to. ‘I am used to this level of peace.’ Someone came along to disturb it, and now I have to fix it. Now, I can come back to these [steps] and remove that energy and know how to properly.”
1. Turn off your phone notifications and alerts.
Those notifications keep you tethered to constantly looking out for things (i.e. a text from that one person you should have kept blocked), thus, making it harder to calm your spirits. “Instead, choose a time in the day when you’re checking notifications,” Tamara recommended.
2. Get proper rest.
We experience different levels of sleep, and getting proper rest allows your body to reset. Raise your hand if your off day consists of running multiple errands. Often, we do not rest on our off days; “something” comes up. That “something” can be as simple as your favorite reality show.
Feel seen yet? I surely did. Sitting down and binge-watching a TV show does not allow your mind to rest effectively. For proper rest, Tamara suggested that classical and jazz music or white noise is okay, but nothing with lyrics.
3. Clear and calm your nervous system
When you are constantly experiencing things, sometimes you need to calm your mind down. For example, when something goes wrong with the Wi-Fi, we reset the modem. We should do the same when it comes to our bodies. Unfortunately, we tend to not think like that regarding our body and nervous system. “We are in a constant sensory experience," Tamara explained.
"You have six senses. That is how you experience the world. So, when you are constantly experiencing things, sometimes you need to calm down. Sometimes you need to remove something. Sometimes you need to be aware of how much you have taken in or have the capacity to take in.”
According to Apollo Neuro, an overactive sympathetic nervous system can cause issues like muscle tension, jitters, insomnia, etc. It can also lead to hyper-vigilance, the tendency to detect danger, even in its absence. By contrast, excessive tiredness, depression, and an overactive gag reflex can signal parasympathetic dominance. Fortunately, steps eight and nine emphasize easing an overactive nervous system.
4. Enjoy the company of good friends with laughter
“Laughter is a way to express emotion; it’s a great release. You are not in an inadequate space when you’re there [with friends].” As we know, laughter is good for the soul; it releases endorphins and helps you release things.
5. Purge your living space/get rid of clutter
Also known as “spring cleaning.” Constant mess or clutter is draining, and cleaning removes that negative energy. A great example Tamara uses is opening a window as it “can let out negative, stagnant energy. Many people do not realize that this practice is hoodoo-based.”
6. Unplug
Completely unplug or pick a day or time, and unplug. One way to do this is by turning off your phone. You cannot scroll through social media, talk on the phone, etc. Tamara recommended starting with 15 minutes and progressing from there.
7. Set boundaries
My personal favorite as I’ve gotten older. From a former people-pleaser, this is not an easy task. A lot of the pleasing we wrap ourselves up in is one of the main reasons we are spiritually drained. Setting boundaries is healthy; do things are your terms.
8. Do some Reiki
“Reiki energy balancing allows you to center yourself and clear that [negative] energy,” Tamara said. She further explained that it's like a church mother “laying hands on you.” Reiki is an energy healing technique that promotes relaxation and reduces stress and anxiety through gentle touch. Reiki practitioners use their hands to deliver energy to your body, improving the flow and balance of your energy to support healing.
Reiki practitioners are a conduit between you and the universal life force energy source. The energy flows through the practitioner’s hands to you. However, your Reiki healer does not always have to touch you for Reiki to work physically. “You can receive Reiki healing from long distances, like on the phone,” Tamara said. Instead, clients experience the energy through heat, cold, tingling, or pulsing sensations.
There are many benefits to Reiki. Reiki can:
- Promote relaxation, stress reduction, and symptom relief to improve overall health and well-being.
- Bring on a meditative state.
- Foster tissue and bone healing after injury or surgery.
- Stimulate your body’s immune system.
- Promote natural self-healing.
- Relieve pain and tension.
9. Breath/breathwork
“Breathwork is extremely helpful in moving any stagnant energy,” and that is why Tamara gives the people she works with a two-minute meditation that consists of breathwork. One breathwork exercise is placing your hand on your heart and feeling the movement of your heartbeat. Doing this technique for two minutes will recenter you and can be performed anywhere – office cubicle, home, etc. Even a deep belly breath, hold, then release is a great way to release stuck emotions.
“The process of inhaling brings in what we need, and that full exhale is letting go of what we do not [need],” Tamara said.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Johnce/ Getty Images
Originally published on April 13, 2023