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If Your Man Sucks At Oral Sex, This Is Probably Why

It is every woman's right to get some good head. If you're not, this could be the reason.

Sex

I'm a fan of oral sex. In fact, when I randomly have a discussion with someone who isn't, my eyes get wide, my mouth drops open, and I find myself being something that I rarely am—silent. What in the world? I mean, like really, how can you not thoroughly enjoy being on both the giving as well as the receiving end of oral?! That doesn't mean I don't have moments when I wonder where the practice of fellatio and cunnilingus came from, though. Oh, you too? I did some research, and this is what I discovered.

It would seem that, back in the day, if a man noticed that other men were interested in his lady, he would go down on her as a way to keep her from cheating. How far back in the day? Well, one article I read actually used the word "ancestors" so yeah, that's pretty far back. Do you know what tripped me out about that? It didn't say that women gave head in order to keep their man from cheating; it said that men went down on women. Who knew that it's very possible we were on the receiving end of oral sex—first? Today's society definitely doesn't make it appear that way. SMDH.

Anyway, there's that little pearl of insight.

I also read a psych study that confirmed what most of us already know—men typically have no problem climaxing from intercourse, while it's (much) easier for us to do it via oral sex. Then, when you add to the fact it also stated, "While 85 percent of men reported their partner had an orgasm during their most recent sexual activity, only 64 percent of women reported having had an orgasm," I said to myself, "All of this points to the fact that cunnilingus is king." Well, queen.

I immediately followed that up with the thought that, sadly, I know some people who say their man sucks at it. (Pun intended and not intended, if you catch my drift.) And, what are they doing about it? Laying down and taking it. And not in a good way.

If this is you, it's time to break free. It is my personal belief that no man is bad at oral sex "just because." There is a clear reason. Knowing what it is could be what points you in the direction of finding out how you can semi-quickly resolve the matter so you can be a huge fan of (receiving) oral sex, too.

He’s Selfish

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If there are two things I loathe, it's a liar and a selfish person. There's no time to get into the whole lying thing, but let's unpack selfishness a little bit, shall we? When someone is selfish, they are self-consumed. Everything they do—or don't do—at the end of the day, is all about what they want (or don't want). If other people have to suffer in the process, so be it. On the sexual tip, I refer to these kinds of people as "Celie Sex" (you know, like the kind of sex that Celie in the movie The Color Purple had). And yes, some men suck at oral sex because they are very much just a selfish individual. Now selfishness can manifest in a few ways. He may not do it at all because he's selfish. He may only do it every once in a while because he's selfish. Or, he might do it the way he thinks that it should be done rather than how you want it to be done—again, because he is selfish (and an ego maniac).

The main problem with this particular reason is, a lot of the time, whatever is (or isn't) transpiring in the bedroom, points to whatever is (or isn't) happening in the other rooms of the house as well. What I mean by that is, if you're with someone who is sexually selfish, he's probably relationally selfish, too. I ain't gonna tell you what you need to do about that because each situation is different (especially if you're married). What I will say is don't chalk up a sexually selfish man to only being that way sexually. Chances are, you are being deprived in some other ways too and that definitely should not be ignored. Not one minute more.

He Hasn’t “Reprogrammed” His Mind

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I actually know quite a few virgins, and something I tell them often is a blessing that comes with waiting until marriage is you don't have anyone to compare your partner to. One wife I know, who was a virgin (along with her husband) on her wedding day, once said to me, "I don't know if [he] is good in bed or not. He's all I know, so he's good to me." Indeed. But for the rest of us who didn't take that path in life, we've probably got somewhat of a roster and a really good memory. Same goes for the men that we choose to sleep with. And since every woman—including her vagina and clitoris—is different, so what worked for the women in his past may not be what works for the woman of his present.

This reality means that he might need a little reprogramming. If this is the case, be open to becoming his loving and patient instructor. Walk him through what pleases you and what doesn't. Only a sexual narcissist (or a really insecure man, which is one and the same, to a certain extent) would resent you for doing so. Oh, and since you've got a sexual past as well, be open to him doing the same for you. Oral sex is not a "one technique fits all" type of experience. It definitely has to be customized.

He’s Totally Oblivious to Your Cues

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I'm a doula, and one of my clients was like the ultimate superhero during labor. She barely made any sounds at all; she would just hum through her contractions (and squeeze the heck out of my hand). What's crazy is that she rocked like a champ, with no epidural, until she was nine centimeters. Then she had to get one because she was so focused on "handling her contractions" that her pelvis wasn't opening up and her blood pressure was skyrocketing. Right as she was about to get to 10, she actually needed the epidural in order to relax.

My point? Some guys suck at oral sex for similar reasons. They are so into what they are doing that they don't even notice what our body language and the sounds we are making are actually conveying to them. If this is what you think is going on with your man, don't have a deep talk while he's actually down there. The focus? Good. The end result? Not so good. If this is the issue, wait until the two of you are on the couch or just hanging out.

Let him know that you see the effort that he's putting in and you appreciate it, but you really need him to relax and concentrate more on you than his actions. If he's taught—and by taught, I mean you encourage him, not become a roaring dictator—how to pick up on your cues, I'm pretty confident that he could go from a C- to at least a B+ fairly quickly.

He Hates Doing It

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Ugh. The only thing worse than a selfish lover is one who hates to go down. Wait, there is actually something worse—a guy who expects you to do it, but he won't reciprocate. Grow all the way up, sir. The interesting thing about the word "hate" is, one definition of it is "unwilling." If your man is unwilling or if he performs oral in a way that conveys that he is barely tolerating it, don't let that slide. If you ask him "What's up?" and he tells you that it's something that he's never liked to do, ask him why. To tell you the truth, it could be a myriad of reasons. His past experiences have been subpar. The women he's done it to had poor hygiene. He was raised not to do it. His hypermasculinity is showing and he thinks that "the D" is all you need. He's not a big oral person, period (even when it comes to kissing). Whatever the case may be, knowing why can help you figure out how to go from there. Hmph. What I do know is if he wants to keep you around, he'll figure out how to compromise. If he doesn't, well…tell him that you would hate to lose him but…we'll holla.

You’re Not Providing the Right, Umm, Atmosphere

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Alright, all of my liberated sistahs out here. Yes, it is your vagina, and yes, you should be free to do whatever you want with it. But I recall when a wife once told me how disgruntled she was by her husband not going down on her often and him then telling me, "I don't want to put my face in a jungle. She needs to consider turning it into a golf course." For a while, she put up a fight. She was on the tip of, "It's my vagina. Deal with it." Uh-huh. But you're not the one who has to literally have your face down there; he does. So, this battle basically boils down to what Dr. Phil used to ask on a regular basis—"Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?" She eventually went with happy and mowed that "lawn" down. She got a lot more cunnilingus because of it, too.

Pubic hair length. The smell of a vagina. Whether or not to add a little flavor into the mix via flavored lubricant or something like blending cinnamon oil and coconut oil together. (Cinnamon has a natural sweetness to it that is totally bomb, by the way.) These are all things that can make or break an oral sex experience for a man.

Listen, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking your partner about what he needs appearance- and even hygiene-wise (other than you washing it, of course; hopefully, you do that), in order to make going down on you more enjoyable. He's gonna see your va-jay-jay more than you ever will. It can only work in your favor to personalize things to his liking a bit.

Women in the Past Have Faked It

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I've shared before on this platform that an ex of mine used to say that faking orgasms is a form of witchcraft. It cracks me up every time I think back to that, although his reasoning behind saying it was actually pretty serious. According to him, a lot of women do it as a form of manipulation; they feel that if they can make their partner think they are sexually satisfied, they can get him to do all kinds of things that they want him to do. Hmm. We'll have to get into sexual manipulators (both male and female) at another time. One of the reasons I strongly discourage faking orgasms is because a guy can't learn if you are lying to him. And no matter what your motive or reason may be for faking sexual pleasure, being fake is deceptive.

A guy who is bad at oral sex, who sleeps with a woman who only acts like she is sexually fulfilled? I am not mad at him; I'm annoyed with her. He's only doing what he's been given the impression is working. The only way to turn this particular boat around is to stop lying and start being real.

You’re Not Speaking Up

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Closed mouths don't get fed. They don't get eaten well either.

A person should only be held accountable for what they know, not what they don't know. If you are spending more time internalizing your disappointment, venting to your girlfriends, or (worse) reminiscing about some ex who actually did know what he was doing rather than communicating with your partner, then that's your bad. I personally know a lot of good men but let me tell you what they don't spend a lot of time doing—trying to read their woman's mind. If your man is bad at oral sex, in a kind, approachable and productive way, convey that. I wouldn't advise you coming at him like, "Looka here, your head game is trash." Take more of the approach of, "I really love being with you. Can we try out some things in the oral sex department, though? I haven't cum yet, but I want to." If he's a good (and humble) man, he'll want you to, too. He'll want to do whatever will keep him from sucking…unless, of course, you want him to.

Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:

Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?

6 Oral Sex Positions That'll Elevate You Even When You're On Your Knees

What?! Only 35 Percent Of Men Go Down? Say It Ain't So.

10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

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