

If Your Man Sucks At Oral Sex, This Is Probably Why
I'm a fan of oral sex. In fact, when I randomly have a discussion with someone who isn't, my eyes get wide, my mouth drops open, and I find myself being something that I rarely am—silent. What in the world? I mean, like really, how can you not thoroughly enjoy being on both the giving as well as the receiving end of oral?! That doesn't mean I don't have moments when I wonder where the practice of fellatio and cunnilingus came from, though. Oh, you too? I did some research, and this is what I discovered.
It would seem that, back in the day, if a man noticed that other men were interested in his lady, he would go down on her as a way to keep her from cheating. How far back in the day? Well, one article I read actually used the word "ancestors" so yeah, that's pretty far back. Do you know what tripped me out about that? It didn't say that women gave head in order to keep their man from cheating; it said that men went down on women. Who knew that it's very possible we were on the receiving end of oral sex—first? Today's society definitely doesn't make it appear that way. SMDH.
Anyway, there's that little pearl of insight.
I also read a psych study that confirmed what most of us already know—men typically have no problem climaxing from intercourse, while it's (much) easier for us to do it via oral sex. Then, when you add to the fact it also stated, "While 85 percent of men reported their partner had an orgasm during their most recent sexual activity, only 64 percent of women reported having had an orgasm," I said to myself, "All of this points to the fact that cunnilingus is king." Well, queen.
I immediately followed that up with the thought that, sadly, I know some people who say their man sucks at it. (Pun intended and not intended, if you catch my drift.) And, what are they doing about it? Laying down and taking it. And not in a good way.
If this is you, it's time to break free. It is my personal belief that no man is bad at oral sex "just because." There is a clear reason. Knowing what it is could be what points you in the direction of finding out how you can semi-quickly resolve the matter so you can be a huge fan of (receiving) oral sex, too.
He’s Selfish
If there are two things I loathe, it's a liar and a selfish person. There's no time to get into the whole lying thing, but let's unpack selfishness a little bit, shall we? When someone is selfish, they are self-consumed. Everything they do—or don't do—at the end of the day, is all about what they want (or don't want). If other people have to suffer in the process, so be it. On the sexual tip, I refer to these kinds of people as "Celie Sex" (you know, like the kind of sex that Celie in the movie The Color Purple had). And yes, some men suck at oral sex because they are very much just a selfish individual. Now selfishness can manifest in a few ways. He may not do it at all because he's selfish. He may only do it every once in a while because he's selfish. Or, he might do it the way he thinks that it should be done rather than how you want it to be done—again, because he is selfish (and an ego maniac).
The main problem with this particular reason is, a lot of the time, whatever is (or isn't) transpiring in the bedroom, points to whatever is (or isn't) happening in the other rooms of the house as well. What I mean by that is, if you're with someone who is sexually selfish, he's probably relationally selfish, too. I ain't gonna tell you what you need to do about that because each situation is different (especially if you're married). What I will say is don't chalk up a sexually selfish man to only being that way sexually. Chances are, you are being deprived in some other ways too and that definitely should not be ignored. Not one minute more.
He Hasn’t “Reprogrammed” His Mind
I actually know quite a few virgins, and something I tell them often is a blessing that comes with waiting until marriage is you don't have anyone to compare your partner to. One wife I know, who was a virgin (along with her husband) on her wedding day, once said to me, "I don't know if [he] is good in bed or not. He's all I know, so he's good to me." Indeed. But for the rest of us who didn't take that path in life, we've probably got somewhat of a roster and a really good memory. Same goes for the men that we choose to sleep with. And since every woman—including her vagina and clitoris—is different, so what worked for the women in his past may not be what works for the woman of his present.
This reality means that he might need a little reprogramming. If this is the case, be open to becoming his loving and patient instructor. Walk him through what pleases you and what doesn't. Only a sexual narcissist (or a really insecure man, which is one and the same, to a certain extent) would resent you for doing so. Oh, and since you've got a sexual past as well, be open to him doing the same for you. Oral sex is not a "one technique fits all" type of experience. It definitely has to be customized.
He’s Totally Oblivious to Your Cues
I'm a doula, and one of my clients was like the ultimate superhero during labor. She barely made any sounds at all; she would just hum through her contractions (and squeeze the heck out of my hand). What's crazy is that she rocked like a champ, with no epidural, until she was nine centimeters. Then she had to get one because she was so focused on "handling her contractions" that her pelvis wasn't opening up and her blood pressure was skyrocketing. Right as she was about to get to 10, she actually needed the epidural in order to relax.
My point? Some guys suck at oral sex for similar reasons. They are so into what they are doing that they don't even notice what our body language and the sounds we are making are actually conveying to them. If this is what you think is going on with your man, don't have a deep talk while he's actually down there. The focus? Good. The end result? Not so good. If this is the issue, wait until the two of you are on the couch or just hanging out.
Let him know that you see the effort that he's putting in and you appreciate it, but you really need him to relax and concentrate more on you than his actions. If he's taught—and by 'taught,' I mean you encourage him, not become a roaring dictator—how to pick up on your cues, I'm pretty confident that he could go from a C- to at least a B+ fairly quickly.
He Hates Doing It
Ugh. The only thing worse than a selfish lover is one who hates to go down. Wait, there is actually something worse—a guy who expects you to do it, but he won't reciprocate. Grow all the way up, sir. The interesting thing about the word "hate" is, one definition of it is "unwilling." If your man is unwilling or if he performs oral in a way that conveys that he is barely tolerating it, don't let that slide. If you ask him "What's up?" and he tells you that it's something that he's never liked to do, ask him why. To tell you the truth, it could be a myriad of reasons. His past experiences have been subpar. The women he's done it to had poor hygiene. He was raised not to do it. His hypermasculinity is showing and he thinks that "the D" is all you need. He's not a big oral person, period (even when it comes to kissing). Whatever the case may be, knowing why can help you figure out how to go from there. Hmph. What I do know is if he wants to keep you around, he'll figure out how to compromise. If he doesn't, well…tell him that you would hate to lose him but…we'll holla.
You’re Not Providing the Right, Umm, Atmosphere
Alright, all of my liberated sistahs out here. Yes, it is your vagina, and yes, you should be free to do whatever you want with it. But I recall when a wife once told me how disgruntled she was by her husband not going down on her often and him then telling me, "I don't want to put my face in a jungle. She needs to consider turning it into a golf course." For a while, she put up a fight. She was on the tip of, "It's my vagina. Deal with it." Uh-huh. But you're not the one who has to literally have your face down there; he does. So, this battle basically boils down to what Dr. Phil used to ask on a regular basis—"Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?" She eventually went with happy and mowed that "lawn" down. She got a lot more cunnilingus because of it, too.
Pubic hair length. The smell of a vagina. Whether or not to add a little flavor into the mix via flavored lubricant or something like blending cinnamon oil and coconut oil together. (Cinnamon has a natural sweetness to it that is totally bomb, by the way.) These are all things that can make or break an oral sex experience for a man.
Listen, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking your partner about what he needs appearance-wise and even hygiene-wise (other than you washing it, of course; hopefully, you do that), in order to make going down on you more enjoyable. He's gonna see your va-jay-jay more than you ever will. It can only work in your favor to personalize things to his liking a bit.
Women in the Past Have Faked It
I've shared before on this platform that an ex of mine used to say that faking orgasms is a form of witchcraft. It cracks me up every time I think back to that, although his reasoning behind saying it was actually pretty serious. According to him, a lot of women do it as a form of manipulation; they feel that if they can make their partner think they are sexually satisfied, they can get him to do all kinds of things that they want him to do. Hmm. We'll have to get into sexual manipulators (both male and female) at another time. One of the reasons I strongly discourage faking orgasms is that a guy can't learn if you are lying to him. And no matter what your motive or reason may be for faking sexual pleasure, being fake is deceptive.
A guy who is bad at oral sex, who sleeps with a woman who only acts like she is sexually fulfilled? I am not mad at him; I'm annoyed with her. He's only doing what he's been given the impression is working. The only way to turn this particular boat around is to stop lying and start being real.
You’re Not Speaking Up
Closed mouths don't get fed. They don't get eaten well either. A person should only be held accountable for what they know, not what they don't know. If you are spending more time internalizing your disappointment, venting to your girlfriends, or (worse) reminiscing about some ex who actually did know what he was doing rather than communicating with your partner, then that's your bad. I personally know a lot of good men but let me tell you what they don't spend a lot of time doing—trying to read their woman's mind.
If your man is bad at oral sex, in a kind, approachable and productive way, convey that. I wouldn't advise you coming at him like, "Looka here, your head game is trash." Take more of the approach of, "I really love being with you. Can we try out some things in the oral sex department, though? I haven't cum yet, but I want to." If he's a good (and humble) man, he'll want you to, too. He'll want to do whatever will keep him from sucking…unless, of course, you want him to.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?
6 Oral Sex Positions That'll Elevate You Even When You're On Your Knees
Featured image by Jordi Salas/Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Jodie Turner-Smith Files For Divorce From Joshua Jackson After Nearly 4 Years Of Marriage
2023 has become the year of celebrity breakups with headlines breaking left and right about celebs filing for divorce or ending high-profile relationships. The latest couple to announce their dissolution? British actress Jodie Turner-Smith. TMZ reported that Jodie has filed for a divorce from her husband, Dawson Creek alum Joshua Jackson.
As far as her reason for calling it quits, Jodie cited "irreconcilable differences," according to TMZ, and has requested joint custody of the couple's daughter, Juno Rose Diana Jackson. Late last year there were rumblings of there being "trouble in paradise" for the couple after the media realized they were no longer following each other on Instagram.
Those rumors were more than laid to rest when Jodie and Joshua went to the 2023 Oscars together earlier this year, and even more recently, when they celebrated her birthday together last month during the September unveiling of the Lotus Emeya.
Jodie Turner-Smith celebrates her birthday with husband Joshua Jackson at the unveiling of the new fully-electric Lotus Emeya on September 07, 2023 in New York City.
Brian Ach/Getty Images for Lotus
Despite seeming particularly happy and in love, perhaps the writing was already written on the wall even then. In the past, Jodie has been very celebratory publicly about her love for her estranged husband, even boldly recounting their love story for the books in a 2021 interview with Seth Meyers.
When Jodie and Joshua met, it was while at his birthday party in 2018. Their relationship was hot and heavy from the start, with Jodie openly noting that they began as a "one-night stand." During her 2021 interview with Seth Meyers, she jokingly referred to their love story as a "three-year one-night stand." She shared:
"First of all, I saw him before he saw me and when I saw him, I was like, 'I want that.' And then when he saw me, I just pretended like I didn't see him. He had to yell across the room to me, and I was wearing this T-shirt from a movie called Sorry to Bother You and [actress] Tessa Thompson plays a character called Detroit, and she has this T-shirt that says, 'The Future Is Female Ejaculation.'
"And so, he shouts across the room, 'Detroit!' He comes over and… does this really cute, charming thing that he does and just all night -- he just basically followed me around the party."
The couple were together from that moment forth, and even made things "Instagram official" less than two weeks later while on a dinner date. Joshua would later clarify to Insider that the night they met in 2018 was not a 'one-night stand' or a 'three-year one-night stand' like his then-wife joked but instead, it was "technically a three-night stand."
"It was sealed with a kiss that night and then we didn't leave each other's sides for, well, three years now," Joshua continued at the time.
In a July 2021 interview with Jimmy Fallon, Joshua dropped more details about the why behind getting married. He revealed that he didn't know he wanted to get married to Jodie until "the moment she asked me."
"She asked me on New Year's Eve. We were in Nicaragua. It was very beautiful, incredibly romantic, we were walking down the beach and she asked me to marry her."
He added, "I did not know [she would propose], but she was quite adamant and she was right. This is the best choice I ever made."
Joshua Jackson Reveals Jodie Turner-Smith Proposed To Him
Jodie received quite a bit of flack for proposing to Joshua because it goes against tradition and what society sees as acceptable for a woman to do to a man, and proposing isn't one of them. No matter how much time has passed, the viewpoints around who should do the proposing and who should be proposed to are still very traditional.
After being on the receiving end of such backlash, Joshua would later clarify to the media in a separate interview that it wasn't just Jodie's proposal to him that sealed the deal of them getting married, he proposed to her too. She might have initiated it, but Joshua followed through.
"I accidentally threw my wife under the bus because that story was told quickly and it didn't give the full context and holy Jesus, the internet is racist and misogynist," he explained to Refinery29 that same year. "We were in Nicaragua on a beautiful moonlit night, it could not possibly have been more romantic."
David M. Benett/Dave Benett/Getty Images
He continued, "And yes, my wife did propose to me and yes, I did say yes, but what I didn't say in that interview was there was a caveat, which is that I'm still old school enough that I said, 'This is a yes, but you have to give me the opportunity [to do it too].'"
"She has a biological father and a stepdad, who's the man who raised her. [I said], 'You have to give me the opportunity to ask both of those men for your hand in marriage.' And then, 'I would like the opportunity to re-propose to you and do it the old-fashioned way down on bended knee.' So, that's actually how the story ended up."
Joshua and Jodie would eventually marry in December 2019. Shortly thereafter, Jodie gave birth to the couple's first child, Janie, in 2020.
In a recent interview with Elle UK, Jodie shared the ways becoming a mother to Juno helped to heal her of her wounds from colorism she experienced in the past. "It's interesting because I had a lot of resistance to becoming a mother and, throughout my life, I always said if I were to have children, I wanted to have Black, Black babies so that I could affirm them as children with the love that I felt I needed to have been affirmed with by the outside world," Jodie shared with the outlet.
She continued, "Then I fell in love with my husband and we talked about having kids. I did have this mini pause, where I was like, 'She's going to be walking through the world not only having an experience that I did not have, but looking like people that, in a way, I'd always felt a little bit tormented by.' Now that I've got this little, tiny, light-skinned boss, I feel like it’s the universe teaching me lessons. I've been given a daughter who looks this way to heal my own conversations around colorism."
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Featured image by Amy Sussman/Getty Images